Fated Children. Book One Of Destinies Child., Proposed book blurb. and other HELP

[anthorn]

Okay here is mine.

A score of centuries have passed since the Great War almost destroyied the land of Ona. The Council of Alexiamdra. succeeded in defeating the "Great evil" A sorceress named Anwyn. And as a result of this victory, history was rewritten, any text that did not suggest that Anwyn was all evil was destroyed. Laws were passed that prohibited women from becoming sorceresses.


Allmost A thousand years to the day that Anwyn fell the world is once more about to fall in to turmoil. For 500 years a rumour has circulated. That Anwyn, the deciever, the great betrayer will return. That upon the eve of the anniversery of the Great war. Anwyn will be reborn, in the womb of a child of Kuschev......

Faircaira, is that child Or so the council believe, and so have condemned her to die.

It falls to five unlikely people to save her.
An Alcoholic.
A thief
A singer
A harlot
and a mercinary.


But meanwhile a Jaded army officer plans to bring war upon the council.
And in the north a woman calling herself a sorceress and a goddess appears ready to bring ruin on the world

I've done Two book blurbs of a sort. Which ones do you like best?


A Thousand years ago a war was ended and a city was, as a result destroyed. While almost ruin was brought to the continent of Ona. The Council of Alexiamdra suceeded in defeating the "Great evil." A sorceress. and as the years passed and the world changed history was rewritten. Laws passed prohbiting women from becoming sorceresses.

A Thousand years later the world has moved on, but is once more stepping towards war. For Five hundered years a rumor has circulated. That Anwyn, the woman responsible for the almost ruin of Ona will return, reborn in the womb of a child of Kuschev..

Faircaira is that girl, or so it is believed. Condemned to die it falls to five unlikely people to save her.

Garrison. An Alcoholic desperate to escape the past.
Sorrel. A harlot seeking her daughter sold to slaves for bread more than eight years ago.
Faelii. A former Guardian come mercinary, who's sole purpose is to rescue Faircaira.
And Anthorn and Nikita. A thief and singer wanting to explore the world outside the Slums of the city.

But in the south a jaded army officer plots rebellion while in the north, into this world steps the first sorceress in a thousand years plotting bloody ruin.



That was the first one. Here is the 2nd.

A Thousand years ago the War of the Mystic Arts brought almost ruin to the land of Ona. Cities were levelled and the world forever changed. Only the combined might of the Council of Alexiamdras strongest Mancers was the "Great Evil." Anwyn defeated. As a result laws were passed prohibiting women from becoming sorceresses.

A Thousand years on the world has changed. Though once again the world is about to plunge into war. For five hundred years a rumor has existed, circulating across the land. That Anwyn, the woman responsible for the long ago war will be reborn in the womb of a child of Kuschev.

Faicaira a girl of 13 harvests is that girl, or so the council believe. All signs point to it. And so she is condemned to die. Unfortunately it has fallen to five unwilling people to save her.
Garrison. An Alcoholic desperate to escape his past.
Sorrel. A harlot seeking her daughter, sold for bread to slavers more than eight years ago.
Faelii. Once a Guardian now a mercinary, who's sole purpose is to save the child of Kuschev.
And Nikita. A Singer from the southern islands about to embark on a pilgramage and Anthorn a boy with no past that appeared during a firestorm.

But a jaded army officer cares not for rumors or legends, only vengence, and plots to bring down the council.
And into this world steps a sorceress and self proclaimed god plotting ruin.


I'm not sure what to go with.
I've worked out basic history. Months and how long they last. and i've decided that the main part of the first novel will take place over the 9 months of pregnancy of Faircaira. I just can't decide which blurb/plot to go with.

I like the 2nd one but also the 1st.

Any help and suggestions will be most aprreciated.

[Birol]

Originally Posted by anthorn

I've worked out basic history. Months and how long they last. and i've decided that the main part of the first novel will take place over the 9 months of pregnancy of Faircaira. I just can't decide which blurb/plot to go with.

Because of this, I have to ask, is the book finished yet? If not, why are you working on a blurb or summary at this time?

[anthorn]

Many writers do outlines to help them work out the plot. I use blurbs to help me put down the plot into a coherent piece so i have an idea of what i'm doing.

[Aes]

Perhaps you meant to put this under critiques? Anyway, I'd say the first one, but I won't lie; it needs a bit of cleaning before I'd be able to see it as professional grade.

Edit: I should be more specific: a few spelling errors (mercenary comes to mind immediately), you might want to redo the sentences so they flow a bit better, and you also should consider consolidating the whole thing a bit more. (You should be able to smash it into roughly two paragraphs. Unlike the rest of a novel, a blurb is better off being as concise as possible in my opinion, since that's what most people use when scanning new material to see if it's worth taking home, or putting back on the shelf.

Other than that, the story sounds like it could be pretty good.

[anthorn]

Thank you..... With the 1st one there was the problem of how to start it.
With Anthorn and Nikita being in the slums of the city.

[Birol]

Originally Posted by anthorn

Many writers do outlines to help them work out the plot. I use blurbs to help me put down the plot into a coherent piece so i have an idea of what i'm doing.

Yes, they do, but.... Both of yours are telling the same story. How it's written doesn't matter, just so it helps you focus and move forward.

[Lith]

Why is it always a thousand years? Why not Five-hundred-and-fifty-seven?

Thousand year rules and prophesied ones rule the day where fantasy's concerned. As such, making your novel stand out from the pack is going to be difficult, regardless of how well it may end up being written.

Also, I know we all like to write troubled characters, but not everyone living in a slum is a social outcast fighting inner demons.

Anyway, that's all I can say at this point. An outline is only the beginning, after all.

[anthorn]

Well mine does not have any prophecies about a chosen one.

[Lith]

For Five hundered years a rumor has circulated. That Anwyn, the woman responsible for the almost ruin of Ona will return, reborn in the womb of a child of Kuschev..

Such persistent rumors count as prophecy...

[The Bloated Shaganat]

For it to be a prophecy, would it not have to be attributed to someone? If not, isn't it a rumour?

I don't know I am just asking....


TBO

[Culhwch]

Moved to critiques.

Originally Posted by anthorn

I'm not sure what to go with.

I'm in agreement with Birol on this one. From what I can see they're both telling the same story, so what does it matter at this point? I can appreciate the goal of the blurb - probably better called a synopsis at this point - but so long as it outlines the story, it probably doesn't matter which you go with. Don't get carried away with honing the thing before you even start the novel. The finished product may little resemble what you've laid down here.

Beyond that, all three pieces are riddled with basic spelling and grammar errors that you'll probably want to fix up. The first one that hit me was 'Destinies' in the title, which I'm thinking should be 'Destiny's', no? There is a lot of random capitalisation, as well as frequent sentence fragments.

[timelord4]

You've said the same thing twice anthorn. And I think you're trying for a synopsis.

Too much information about the story, characters, what happens, etc. If it is a synopsis, encourage people to want to read the story by hinting at what the story's about and condense it into a couple of paragraphs, as Aes said. Leave a lot to the imagination. Then, the only way they're going to find out, is if they buy it.

However, if your 'backblurb', as you call it, is a strategy plan for writing your book, then this isn't it. You need to chart it out showing your peaks and troughs and many more variables that come into play.

It may work, the way you've done it, but it takes a lot of work. Better to write a few chapters and see where they're going. You'll probably find they'll head in a completely different direction than you planned it. And your original chapter 1 usually ends up chapter 4 or 5.

Good luck.

[Lith]

For it to be a prophecy, would it not have to be attributed to someone? If not, isn't it a rumour?

You mean that prophecy has to come from a single person's mouth? Like "so-and-so said such-and-such, 500 years ago"? Just clarifying...

But in a dramatic sense, such rumors function the same as prophecy. And they're always true.

[anthorn]

mine is'nt