Salutations...

[HardScienceFan]

chorizo and Pepper are mean guys.
coffee filters is sweet,she's from Wisconsin
a waitress
dreaming of better times to come
sorry,that's another thread,i just realized

[Sephiroth]

But what about two milk? And how does two milk cope with pepper's meanness?

[Giovanna Clairval]

Regarding critiques, I left a few comments for Jarshen (whose work I really liked).

I saw your comments. I also critiqued his last instalment. I don't think you commented that one. I'd like to hear what you think.

I worry, though, about coming across as too critical. Just because I have a very strong sense of what works and what does not, does not mean that it should be imposed on anyone else, and I'm a bit anal with it. So...it could come across as if I'm saying don't do it that way, do it my way!

Making critiques that are useful, but in an acceptable way, that's an exercise as well.

I can point out a million minor points that I would change and then feel guilty and think, well was that really fair, or even valid, suggesting that?

What's this self-tormenting streak? You sound like one of my characters, who loves pain...

I have a formal, almost academic style of writing, much of the time (not in narrative, I might add, but at all other times), which I think comes across as very serious, very grave. I try to mitigate it by writing more like I talk, sometimes.......

I definitely must see something of that. You piqued my curiosity, oh aluminous!

[Sephiroth]

Originally Posted by Giovanna Clairval

I saw your comments. I also critiqued his last instalment. I don't think you commented that one. I'd like to hear what you think.

No, I saw that you'd done quite a comprehensive edit and wasn't sure if there was much point in me doing one too...or if it might just complicate matters, but I said I would, and I think the work deserves it, so I will. I'm glad you're interested in my opinion.

Making critiques that are useful, but in an acceptable way, that's an exercise as well.

Yeah, I'm just slightly paranoid about it seeming like I know best. I'm not a published author, what the hell do I know?

What's this self-tormenting streak? You sound like one of my characters, who loves pain...

I do like pain as it happens, physical pain (within reason). Self-tormenting is what I do. It's why I have been so damn miserable so much of the time. But hey, I'm beginning to learn to do it less...

I don't like mental pain. That's where the torment comes in.

I definitely must see something of that. You piqued my curiosity, oh aluminous!

Well as I say, my narrative isn't so much like that, because I'm telling a story to you, we might be sitting by the fireside...but most of my other stuff is in the vein of academic prose, historical or scientific. Or pseudo-academic prose...

I will post something, I just can't say it will be tomorrow.

Oh, I would like to read something of yours, btw...

[Giovanna Clairval]

I don't like mental pain. That's where the torment comes in.

That's so right.
Did you read The Angel of Pain (I forgot who the author is)? A detail: there are werewolves in this novel... One might not like werewolves (I have "snidewolves" in my world).

I will post something, I just can't say it will be tomorrow.

You said it! I, with the help of snidewolves, will hold you to your words.

Oh, I would like to read something of yours, btw...

C'est de bonne guerre (it's fair enough)!
I've sent my novel to my editor, so I consider it in suspended animation (this is a interesting expression, but I'm not sure it makes sense in Anglish ), like Sleeping Beauty...

I'm just waiting to get the darped thing back full of blue, after which, I'll post a little chunk.
It's something near of superstition.

[Sephiroth]

*takes a deep breath after returning from critiques*

Originally Posted by Giovanna Clairval

That's so right.
Did you read The Angel of Pain (I forgot who the author is)? A detail: there are werewolves in this novel... One might not like werewolves (I have "snidewolves" in my world).

I haven't read The Angel of Pain, but will look out for it on your recommendation. I'm not overly fond of werewolves, but I'm not averse to them, either. As long as they're done well...

You said it! I, with the help of snidewolves, will hold you to your words.

*does not know what a snidewolf is (is it sort of a werewolf or something else entirely?), but is definitely scared of them*

I hear you...

C'est de bonne guerre

(it's fair enough)!

I've sent my novel to my editor, so I consider it in suspended animation (this is a interesting expression, but I'm not sure it makes sense in Anglish ), like Sleeping Beauty...

C'est de bonne guerre? With my limited knowledge of French I would translate that literally as 'It's the good war'. Am I even close?

I'm just waiting to get the darped thing back full of blue, after which, I'll post a little chunk.

It's something near of superstition.

I really look forward to that...

[Giovanna Clairval]

Naughty characters called me back to my writing, asking me to make things right in another scene. I indulged them.
It feels good to be God(dess).

"C'est de bonne guerre" really means "it's fair enough".
Both expressions meant, back in old times, that every move is fair in war or love.

And one has to tell the natives where their idioms come from!

On another Forum (Idioms, BTW) a Chronic (a Scot, perhaps?)
explained to me the difference between "eat" and "devour", "beg" and "pray". That was very considerate of him.

See the hour? Gosh!

[Sephiroth]

Ah, this is my time of day.

It gets too quiet around this time. This is when I am active!!!

"All is fair in love and war," is a saying here, too, now that I think about it.

For me, there is no difference between eat and devour, I am a ravenous person...

*wishes he had written a scene tonight*

[edit] I've just put fish fingers on, and am about to have a meal.

[Giovanna Clairval]

I just saw your post on the Warrior's thread.

So you didn't like my re-write?
The second one, I mean.

[Sephiroth]

Of course I did, don't be silly!

But I wanted to give my opinion of the same thing, by working back from Jarshen's original! There isn't much point in me correcting you, now, is there?



I have only the utmost respect for your opinion, and I do not disagree with anything you said. But your edit is your edit, and mine is mine. There's no right way or wrong way, after all. It's a purely personal thing, I think?

[Giovanna Clairval]

You Scots have no humour !

[Sephiroth]

*lmao*

Damn you, I........well, damn you!!!

Okay, you got me........

So did I make any points you really disagreed with?

[Giovanna Clairval]

Actually, yes.
The one I remember is the passive form in the first sentence.
Passive Form is the Devil...
But let me go back and see.

Okay, I didn't find anything else to grump about. The problem couldn't be solved by grammar and change of words. It needed simplification.
The fact is that the text showed great promise (the atmosphere of awe etc), and, also, that guy can write (did you see his other thread "New Character"?). But he was doing too much: the mark of the writer who's afraid of not being up to the job (the famous prologue that will sell or not the entire novel. I do understand him. Is he a he, btw?)
If you feel inspired by a text, try to re-write it, first as the author would have re-written it, and then in the way you would have written the beastie, using your own style and just stealing the idea. It's a great exercise.

[Sephiroth]

Originally Posted by Giovanna Clairval

Actually, yes.
The one I remember is the passive form in the first sentence.
Passive Form is the Devil...
But let me go back and see.

Tell that to the Japanese!!!

But okay, that's fair enough. I do use the passive form sometimes, and I don't consider it to be the devil. What can I say?

*waits with bated breath*

[Giovanna Clairval]

I completed my previous post, so you'll find the rest there.

Passive Form is not (always) the Devil.

It's weak, that's true.

I use it sparingly, but sometimes it's silly not to use it. When characters are concerned, it conveys a feeling of helplessness (wow, is this a word?).

"He was dragged down the pebbly road" can be better than "They dragged him". Am I making any sense here?

The Passive Form thou shall not impose on inanimate objects.