Rage

[Clavitz]

Well here it is: A 14 year old's attempt at fantasy writing :P. This is my first real attempt where I have some idea where I'm going with it. I expect there will be technical issues not only because I simply do not know certain things, but also, rather than Word, I have Open Office (a free substitute with a terrible Spell Check). I probably don't have to say this, but please don't treat me differently because of my age. Don't think you have to go easy on me because I'm inexperienced. If everyone does that, I'll stay that way forever. I hate when people tell me something I've written is good without really meaning it; I'd rather learn how to fix it.

Oh, and by the way, the parts that say (unknown) are names that I didn't take the time to think up yet. I've found before that I've gotten hung up on coming up with names, and then lost my motivation to write. Any suggestions would be nice

So with that out of the way, here's the beginning of chapter one:

Rage

Chapter 1

In the tranquil morning, (unknown) Forest was calm. Nothing was moving, including the limp body garbed in white robes lying on the ground. It was a boy no older than twelve, with scruffy brown hair laying wildly in the soil. Besides some small cuts and bruises, he showed no signs of any struggle.

A sentry bearing the crest of the King's Army was patrolling the area when he spotted what at first appeared to be a pile of Wizarding Robes. He saw it to be an injured wizard and rushed to their aid, wondering how one of them had stumbled into the human kingdom of (unknown), and specifically his domain. But as he was examining the child, his eyes flitted to his head and he gasped. This child did not have white hair. The sentry gaped at the impostor. He was so young. To die that young...

He would not allow it. Surely a child should not be put to death, no matter the circumstances. He stripped the boy of his illicit robes and wrapped his own cloak around the shivering body. The sentry then picked him up and carried him back to the inn in (unknown).

When they arrived the innkeeper payed him no heed; men of the King's Army often dealt with strange things. He was a tiny, ancient old man with a large nose who carried a cane but never used it. What was left of his white hair flew around aimlessly, and thick, round spectacles rested on his nose The sentry hoisted the still unconscious boy up the stairs and into his room. He laid him on the bed, and spent the next few hours pacing and worrying about the consequences of his decision. Perhaps the boy should hang? No doubt he's a thief and criminal. How else would be end up with Wizarding Robes?

When the boy finally awoke it was nearly dark, and by then the sentry had come up with such unpleasant outcomes for himself should the boy turn out to be a criminal that he had reached for his knife to simply end it several times.

“Where...am I? What is this place? Who are you?!” the boy inquired forcefully, at first curious but then afraid.

The sentry snapped around, his eyes bloodshot and slightly crazy looking. Ignoring the questions, he asked, “Why were you in (unknown), impersonating a wizard.” Despite his appearance, he sounded rational, but distant and unfocused. Potential torture can do that.

“I...what?”

The sentry pointed to a white bundle of clothing in the corner, “Those are yours. You were wearing them when I found you. Where did you get them?”

“I...don't know,”

“Don't lie to me, boy. I'll take you right back out there and let the hangman find you,”

“I really don't!” he pleaded, his eyes growing rather wide, “I can't remember anything before waking up a few minutes ago!” After a thought he added, “How do I know you didn't kidnap me?”

The sentry actually laughed, “What use would I have for a scrawny boy like you?” He paused before adding, “Listen, kid, I don't have time for your stories. If you turn out to be an impostor they'll put my neck right next to yours.” He sounded more worried than angry, and ran his hand through his hair.

“But...I'm telling the truth!” he pleaded. While all logic told the sentry to disbelieve the child, something in the way he talked was so utterly sincere, and he began to believe him. This kid was either telling the truth or the best liar he had ever seen.

Suddenly more sympathetic, he asked, “Is there anything you do remember?”

“My name,” he replied, “Milo.”

The sentry responded, “Dauste,” and held out his hand. Milo grasped it firmly and they shook. “It's getting late. Let's get some sleep and sort this all out in the morning,”

Milo nodded, but then asked, “Where will you sleep?” He glanced around the room. It was small, just enough room for one bed. To the right of the headboard was a small door, and across from it was a window with a dimly burning candle.

“Don't worry about it. I'll get a room next door,” the sentry answered. He exited, closing the door behind him. Milo had been laying there all day, but was for some reason he could not remember still exhausted, and was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Anger; intense and uncontrollable. White and red flashed. Blurred figures swiveled around him. They had done this to him. They had caused him this pain. He grabbed one by the neck and squeezed with terrible might, crushing his wind pipe instantly. The body crumpled on the ground. What awful power! A flash, brighter than all the rest, and suddenly he was in pain, and falling...

Milo violently awoke from his nightmare with a roar, slamming his head into something hard. His heart was racing, his breathing was heavy, and his head was throbbing. He grasped it, urging the pain to stop, and looked around. He was on a hard, wooden floor next to a door with a severely dented doorknob. His collision with it had jarred it open, and inside he saw his room.

“Sleepwalking...” Milo muttered.

“Milo!” Dauste came running out of a room a few doors down. Several heads were poking out of other rooms, wondering what the disturbance was about. Milo heard the innkeeper shuffling up the stairs angrily. Dauste reached Milo and, catching his glance, turned to the inn's guests and impressively proclaimed, “He's with me.” He was not wearing his crested armor, but most people recognized him anyway.

The innkeeper was now at the top of the stairs, staring along with the other guests. “What does the King need with a child?”

“The King's business is not public.”

The innkeeper raised his hands in defeat and hobbled his way back downstairs. The other guests followed suit and returned to their rooms, muttering rigorously among themselves. Dauste turned to Milo, “You all right?

“Yeah. Just a bump,”

“What was that roar all about?” Dauste asked.

“You tell me,” Milo replied.

[Thor_Doomhammer]

First of all, I thought it was pretty good (and no, I'm not taking it easy on you because you're young). I'd have kept reading.

A few suggestions:

1. The passage was in past tense, but a couple sentences weren't; it makes them sound awkward. (i.e. The rabbit was furry. It walks to its hole. It just doesn't fit. )
2. This Dauste seems to not be able to make his mind up about this kid - sometimes he's really mean and other times he's kind and caring.
3. Some of the sentences just sounded awkward in general - try saying them in a different way that flows with the rest of the text better.

Keep it up!

[Nik]

Okay, so it needs a bit of tidying, keeping cases etc consistent, but that should settle if you read it through a few more times.

To be honest, it is far better than the stuff I used to write.

D'uh, it is better than most of the stuff I still write !! You would not believe how much I daren't post...

And don't worry about Word vs Open Office etc: I've regressed to Notepad for the compact .txt format.

Also, after years of trying to educate spell-checkers' 'personal dictionaries', I've given up on them. My spiral-bound note-pads often have a list of 'commonly mispelled words' inside the cover. A Concise dictionary settles most arguments. My grammar is beyond redemption...

The tale ? Yes, more, please !!

[Clavitz]

Originally Posted by Thor_Doomhammer

First of all, I thought it was pretty good (and no, I'm not taking it easy on you because you're young). I'd have kept reading.

A few suggestions:

1. The passage was in past tense, but a couple sentences weren't; it makes them sound awkward. (i.e. The rabbit was furry. It walks to its hole. It just doesn't fit. )
2. This Dauste seems to not be able to make his mind up about this kid - sometimes he's really mean and other times he's kind and caring.
3. Some of the sentences just sounded awkward in general - try saying them in a different way that flows with the rest of the text better.

Keep it up!

1. I seem to do that often when I write. I cleaned most of it up before posting it here, but apparently I let some slip through...

2. Obviously he has to be angry with Milo at first, with the circumstances they met in, but eventually (soon, actually, so it's not much of a spoiler) they have more of a brotherly type of relationship. I think I tried to speed up the transformation up too much. So I guess I'll just have to keep him mean for a while yet :P

3. I'll look into that. As I write and edit more things should fall into place better.
@Nik: Recently I've just started using Google as a spell checker, and it actually works fairly well, it's just more of a pain. Plus I love using the synonyms feature on Word (especially for school projects; makes me sound like I know what I'm talking about XD), which is absent from Open Office. But I guess I can mostly rely on my own vocabulary, and there's always thesaurus.com.
Thanks both of you for reading my story and giving your comments/compliments/suggestions .

[Clavitz]

Originally Posted by Thor_Doomhammer

First of all, I thought it was pretty good (and no, I'm not taking it easy on you because you're young). I'd have kept reading.

A few suggestions:

1. The passage was in past tense, but a couple sentences weren't; it makes them sound awkward. (i.e. The rabbit was furry. It walks to its hole. It just doesn't fit. )
2. This Dauste seems to not be able to make his mind up about this kid - sometimes he's really mean and other times he's kind and caring.
3. Some of the sentences just sounded awkward in general - try saying them in a different way that flows with the rest of the text better.

Keep it up!

1. I seem to do that often when I write. I cleaned most of it up before posting it here, but apparently I let some slip through...

2. Obviously he has to be angry with Milo at first, with the circumstances they met in, but eventually (soon, actually, so it's not much of a spoiler) they have more of a brotherly type of relationship. I think I tried to speed up the transformation up too much. So I guess I'll just have to keep him mean for a while yet :P

3. I'll look into that. As I write and edit more things should fall into place better.

Thanks both of you for reading it and for your comments/compliments/suggestions .

[Thor_Doomhammer]

Originally Posted by Clavitz

...eventually (soon, actually, so it's not much of a spoiler) they have more of a brotherly type of relationship. I think I tried to speed up the transformation up too much.

Yes, I could tell that you were trying to progress them into a sort of bonded relationship......But yes, that was how I felt. That the transformation was a bit fast. In real life, these things take time.

By the way.....if you need someone to read more, I'd be glad to......

[Clavitz]

I'll be sure to remember you once I get more written .

I don't know when that will be, though, today being the first day of school and all. I'll try to squeeze some writing in between homework.

[timelord4]

Heck, that's really good for your age Clavitz. I'm likewise what Nik and TD said. You seem to have this writing bit happening very nicely.

OK. Some tips.
This is the first chapter. Your first chapter needs to hook from the opening sentence. That means, grab your reader and make sure they don't want to put the read down.

quote:
In the tranquil morning, (unknown) Forest was calm. Nothing was moving, including the limp body garbed in white robes lying on the ground. It was a boy no older than twelve, with scruffy brown hair laying wildly in the soil. Besides some small cuts and bruises, he showed no signs of any struggle.


Example:
Early morning light filtered through the forest's canopy and dappled the prone figure of the boy, a mute white.
Spread across the soil like bracken water, a shock of unruly brown hair splayed itself from the corner of his robe. The lad lay unmoving.

I've joined your first two sentences into one without losing the quality of a tranquil morning in a forest, or that a body lay limp and was dressed in white.
The next sentence describes his hair and that he's wearing a robe. The last sentence is deliberately short, it lends impact to inaction. The rest of the information you have in the opening can be trickled down through the story. Yeah?

OK. See the shaded words I've used. They all describe serenity, tranquility. It opens the reader's mind to decide what they wish. These are techniques Clavitz. They get as much out of a word without saying too much. Does that make sense? Hope so. The whole thing about writing good stuff, is imagination. Imagine yourself in the forest and watching the action unfold as if you were an onlooker. Then descibe what you see. That's the trick. Using impact words to make the description.

What I've just done is offered you another look at writing, before you get too far along the track. If you start picking up these tricks early, makes writing later, joyful instead of tearful. I only wished someone was there earlier in my life, to steer me through the whole process instead of bumbling through it like a blind man without a cane.

I'm not going to comment further. if you have a look at the rest of the story, I'm sure you will see places where you can apply what I said.

Keep going, I'll be looking out for more from you because it's all promising.

Cheers

TL.

[woodsman]

Read timelords post, and don't ask me to correct anything technical, .

I thought the story ran pretty well and had a good fairly pacy and aggresive opening, unless an established writer I would guess this essential to ensure people read on!

Names:
names always tell you something about the place/Inn/House or whatever. Alternitively htay can be used to put an idea into a readers head and then 'shock' them with a place/object which totally does not go with the name, as it were.
In veiw of that before naming places and Inn's etc, e.g. place names project an image of the culture of the people or the charachter of the area.
E.g. when picking up a new book if the first name mentioned is, say, tvorsolbard, I'm instantly, if subconciously, thinking Norse or a northern culture, cold lands etc.

In veiw of this I'd suggest thinking a tad more about the culture of the kingdom. What historical period is most similar to the time of your story? Are they an elven type race with musical names? Carry on writing and probably a stronger idea of the people/land/culture will come to you and then you can start to come up with names that will relate more directly to them, at least thats what I'd do.

Keep up the writing, you could go a long way, especially with that attitude of seeking advice. Now if your sensible you'll ignore this completely an' tell me to go bore someone else!
Enough of this epistle. cheers Jez.
P.s. does this make any sense to anyone? hmmm

[Clavitz]

Timelord, I get you're point...show the adjectives instead of just saying them. From your example I can tell it greatly enriches the feel of the story (even though I had to look up a few words in it. I still don't fully understand the phrase "a mute white". Does it simply mean that he was quiet and white colored or is there a deeper meaning?). I often try to envision the scene I'm creating, but without too much success. Guess I have to work on that.

Maybe now I can bumble like a blind man with a cane .

Woodsman, thanks for your thoughts. I agree that names will probably become clearer once I actually know what the culture will be like. I haven't thought too much about that yet. I do know that they are not elven, however, because there will be another elven race later on, along with dwarves and (obviously) wizards. Some more foreshadowing: Political matters between the races (which each represent modern-like nations) will play an important role.

[woodsman]

Glad to be of help, hows it goping now? Written much more?

In fact if your in the creative groove just carry straight on without names and even some of the details, I guess you can polish later when less inspired, to give feeling to places/pubs/people but its the little touches - for me at least - that make a good book a great book.

All the best, Jez.

[Clavitz]

Unfortunately none. School just started and I've been scrambling for a free minute. First year of high school. Once things settle down I should be able to write more, but somehow motivation and free time don't seem to coincide often. When I'm stuck at school I'm constantly in the mood to write, but when I can actually spare a second I often don't feel compelled to. Ah well, guess I'll just have to do what I can and wait for weekends and vacation days.

But I do have some more written from before, (about 11 pages, written) although it's a very very rough draft. More like scurrying through ideas just to get them on paper. 2 of those 11 are typed, but they won't come up for awhile (originally, Dauste finding Milo was going to be a flashback and I began writing the part that chronologically happens later. But I decided that their meeting was too important and complex to be that way, so I moved it first).

[timelord4]

hahah

Don't lose your cane Clavitz.

OK. A 'mute white' is an *off white*. Not a shiny white, but one that you see in the half light, such as when light shines on part of the surface and the other half is steeped in subdued shadow. Can you picture that? It's a handy word to use 'mute'. It inspires the reader to sense the *exact* feeling you wish to create.

BTW, woodsman is spot on with name suggestions. Once you have created a culture for your characters, you can name them according to the race/society they best fit.

Hope that helps Clavitz. I'm really glad you ask these questions, it's the best and fastest way to learn. Good for you.

Cheers

TL

[Clavitz]

Ah, so it is an adverb, not an adjective. I was picturing it describing the boy (even though that wouldn't make sense with the word order). But I know exactly what you mean now.

[ysabara]

Fourteen ~ I wish I wrote with such maturity when I was your age *g*. You've already received some great advice so i'll just say I enjoyed it very much. There is enough there to catch my interest and leave me wanting to know more. Well done!