The Vessel

[Caibaxx]

Nallia circled the camp a second time, silently making her way through the darkness like a wraith flitting from tree to tree. She knew this time she had the correct one. The order of the sentries told her.

Her earlier raids into other warbands, also headed back to Taratha, had led to naught but they also had to be done. She had to recover the vessel, if she didn’t all would end.

Damn Danyl, she cursed silently, for his not wanting to wear chain. If only he had listened he would be here now when she needed him, and not lying dead in the mud with a warband spear stuck through him.

Her brother, she didn’t curse, Jaeyn had been caught in a trap set for her and had paid the price. The healers had said it would a few weeks before he recovered the use of his leg and was lucky still to have his foot.

Derask’s curse should have killed him, but Jaeyn had always been lucky, bless her, the lady in heaven. Now she had no one left with and none left out of the other groups also sent out after the clerical commander. Derask had hunted down everyone King Galas had sent and killed them. There was only her left to chase after him and the vessel.

No scratch that, there was Jaeyn but he wouldn’t stand a chance without her. Derask would kill him like all the other men he had trained to protect the vessel. Kill him like all of others except her. Maybe the glyph that had almost killed Jaeyn had really been meant for him and not her. It was hard to tell with the ex commander, she should know, she knew him better than anyone.

[Peter Graham]

Hello Caibaxx,

I think that your main problem is comma overload. In places, you risk losing flow and meaning.

Her earlier raids into other warbands, also headed back to Taratha, had led to naught but they also had to be done. She had to recover the vessel, if she didn’t all would end.

Her earlier raids on other warbands heading back to Taratha had led to naught. But they had to be done. She had to recover the vessel. If she didn't, all would end.


You might also want to look at your word order.

Damn Danyl, she cursed silently, for his not wanting to wear chain. If only he had listened he would be here now when she needed him, and not lying dead in the mud with a warband spear stuck through him

She cursed silently. Damn Danyl for not wanting to wear chain! If only he had listened he would be here now where she needed him, rather than lying dead in the mud.......

Her brother, she didn’t curse, Jaeyn had been caught in a trap set for her and had paid the price. The healers had said it would a few weeks before he recovered the use of his leg and was lucky still to have his foot.

She didn't curse her brother, Jaeyn. He had been caught in a trap that had been set for her and he had paid the price. The healers had said that it would be a few weeks before he recovered the use of his leg. He was lucky still to have his foot.

Derask’s curse should have killed him, but Jaeyn had always been lucky, bless her, the lady in heaven.

This reads like Jaeyn has changed gender - I assume you are blessing the lady in heaven rather than Jaeyn.

No scratch that, there was Jaeyn but he wouldn’t stand a chance without her.

No. Scratch that (is this not a bit 21st Century colloquial when compared to the narrator's voice throughout the rest of the piece?)! She still had Jaeyn, but he wouldn't stand a chance without her.


Keep at it!

Regards,

Peter

[woodsman]

The story sounds Pretty good or could be but as peter says you've killed it somewhat! I would try and increases teh pace a little just by removing a few unnesecary phrases, especially if this is an opening chpter/prologue.

All the best, Jez.

[timelord4]

Hi Caibaxx

I agree with Peter and woodsman. Peter sorted out the first, only you can sort out the second, but I'll give you another example to reinforce what woodsman said.

Nallia circled the camp a second time, silently making her way through the darkness like a wraith flitting from tree to tree. She knew this time she had the correct one. The order of the sentries told her.


Perhaps:
Like a dreaded wraith, Nadia flitted from tree to tree until she had circled the camp a second time. She knew this time she had the correct one -- the order of sentries told her.

The only reason I suggest a change like this, is your original sounded like a wraith flitting from tree to tree. like a stitch on. You could tidy it up even further if you take out 'the camp' and replace 'one' with 'camp'.

Now the next part is an info dump and a bit jumbled, and it doesn't grab the reader.
Her earlier raids into other warbands, also headed back to Taratha, had led to naught but they also had to be done. She had to recover the vessel, if she didn’t all would end.

But if you put Peter's suggestion in here, it brightens it and makes sense.
Her earlier raids on other warbands heading back to Taratha had led to naught. But they had to be done. She had to recover the vessel. If she didn't, all would end.

And what he has done in the next, picks up the tension
She cursed silently. Damn Danyl for not wanting to wear chain! If only he had listened he would be here now where she needed him, rather than lying dead in the mud...

Notice Peter has used short sentences? This denotes *action* even through thought. Starts to build the tension further.

OK. That's my 2c worth and good, well done. If this is your first chapter it'll work. If it's your prologue, you'll need to vamp the whole up.


Hope it helps

TL

[mosaix]

There's some interesting stuff but too much background. There needs to be more action to draw the reader in.

Of course, background is required but there needs to be a balance.