Quotes about Creatures

[Rider]

Now, a little explanation:

I'm thinking of introducing new things sometimes with quotes or referring to quotes when characters talk about them.

Currently I have a few creatures (rather unique at that) which could use a good quote. I tried to think a reasonable one but most likely failed completely ().. therefore, I am asking your advice on how to improve these quotes:

NOTE: I will try to reveal as few details as I can except the facts presented in the quotes. If you need any more details however, then please ask.

Creature 1:

A beast of war, with thousand teeth of iron and fangs of purest steel... it crawls and flies... large wings it has and the fires of hell burn upon them and the claws are long as pikes and soak of fresh blood... and when it speaks beware - for a single question it will ask and if you fail to answer... walk on earth shall you no more.

This quote was to represent fear towards this creature. As you can see, it was not. I deem it too prosaic instead of the terrifying fear it should represent. What do you think?

It entered the fray of combat from the skies; terror it brought upon all men who fought. It's wings shadowed the sun and it seemed as the Lords of hell had themselves fallen upon our ranks. It ate ten commands and yet it wanted more... for it's hunger cannot be satisfied.

This was to represent fear AND awe upon this creature. Again, the form is quite prosaic in my sense. As a note, the 'command' stands for a term of military much like the Roman Legion.

Forth from the great mountains it came. It swept over us like a hurricane. It's fangs were burning and when it touched the ground - entire plains fell to flames and none fled. And the great beast ate the corpses of the burnt men and some were alive and their horrendous screams disturbed the falling night... but the beast ate and was not disturbed.

This is the final about the same creature. I don't know how representative it is.... I'd need one to be horrendous but I can't manage it. Though my imagination sparks into life when I read the first one (thousand teeth...)


Creature 2:

It is told these great snakes live in the depths of the seas... and that one can ensnare an armada when it rises to avenge it's disturbed peace.

This would represent a dragonlike creature living in the seas. These would be hostile to everyone except those that worship them. And again, the feeling of horror seems to be gone from the description.

Creature 3:

His mane glistens in the sun but unlike the great critters of war of the furthest west, he is wise and valiant and is quick as the winds of north and none dare to best his claim to the open plains. He helps those in need when he thinks the cause worthful.

This was to represent a creature with a large sense of honour and justice. I am sure there are ways to improve it but... how


Thanks for anyone willing to help.

[Peter Graham]

Hello King Rider,

I think I see the problem. Two things immediately leap out:-

1. The tone of the decription is somewhat lumbering and portentous. It reminds me of Nostradamus - or the sort of thing that the chap in your little picture next to your name might say. As such, it is rather formal. You need to lighten up the decription and give it a bit of fire. One way to achieve this might be to have a character give a description of the creature, using their own words, dialect etc. By way of an example, write down what a sheep is. Then go and ask five people you know what a sheep is. Their answers will be almost certainly make for better reading than what you wrote down, because their answers are coming from them and reflect their character.

2. The passages you have quoted are a bit of an information dump. You are "telling" rather than "showing" (a distinction I had not fully appreciated until I joined this fine group). As such, you end up with a list. If you "show" your creatures - describe how one swoops down from the sky, how the sun glints off talons/fangs etc, the reader will soon get a clear impression of what they are and what they can do. Much more fun to read than a list. Don't worry about the reader not having all of the information up front - bring it in when we need to know it.

Regards,

Peter

[timelord4]

Hi Rider

I think your narrative is a bit stifling and formal. A bit like reading a Shakespearean DIY instruction manual. Loosen up and be bold. Put some flash into the piece. Wings trailed fire across the heavens... A thousand teeth edged by massive steel fangs dripped... Behind eyes as black as the doors of hell, lay the true nature of the beast -- an oracle... that kind of rip and tear stuff. And as Peter suggested, allow the POV from an onlooker. The quote concept you would like to achieve just doesn't buy. Sorry.

Saying that, I think the concept of the creatures is terrific. Now all you have to do is let your hair down and have fun with it, instead of ... well you know, Portia berating over a pound of flesh?

Hope it helps and take it or leave it, up to you

[Rider]

Well, in a sense it would be by onlooker... But in a different form... Don't know how to put it exactly.

And yes, I have a clear idea of being too 'formal'... that's just who I am...

So, if I'd want to make it more 'truthful' I should add some... don't know what..

What's that difference between 'telling' and 'showing'? I'd like to understand that.

[Peter Graham]

What's that difference between 'telling' and 'showing'? I'd like to understand that.

Allow me to demonstrate:-

1. Telling.

Ben was a sheepdog. His thick, soft fur was black and white, but was usually covered in mud. He had a red and white spotted kerchief knotted around his neck. He was fun-loving and liked to play. His favourite trick was jumping into puddles. He was obedient and would do virtually anything for garlic sausage.

Like all sheepdogs, he was pretty intelligent, but as well as being a working dog, he was also a much loved family pet. He lived in a kennel at High Edge Farm with his owner, John Armstrong, a local sheep farmer. John had two young children who adored Ben as much as he adored them. John liked Ben as well, but being a farmer always pretended that Ben was really just there to work.

Ben was three years old and had been the runt of his litter. He had nearly died on the day he was born, but now he was one of John's best sheepdogs.


2. Showing.

John Armstrong walked out into the yard of High Edge Farm, a piece of garlic sausage in his hand, and whistled loudly. He heard a clatter and a rustle and Ben suddenly appeared on the top of the muck-spreader, head cocked to one side and ears pricked up. His tail was wagging slowly, but when he saw the children coming out of the house behind thier dad, the wagging increased to such an speed that it looked like he might just take off like a helicopter.

Ben leapt straight off the muck spreader and into the huge, muddy puddle below, sending up a shower of filthy water. Most of it landed on him, rendering the red and white of the kerchief that the children had given him even more black. The children squealed with delight.

Ben ran up to John, sat down in front of him and waved a paw at his master. John threw him the piece of sauasge, which Ben tossed into the air for good measure before wolfing it down in one. John tried not to smile, but he couldn't help it. Ben had come a long way from that first night three years ago, when they'd had to put him in a shoebox in the warming oven to try and keep him alive.

"Come on, lad"!, commanded John. "No time for your larks. We've the yearlings to get down off the tops. Time for work!"

"And you two," John continued, turning to the children. "Back in an' get ready for school. You'll catch your deaths running about the yard wi' no shoes on."


A bit of a twee example, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Regards,

Peter