Back-side blurb

[Spectrum]

Here is my proposal for a back-side blurb for my first book.

Chaos Bringer
Book One of Sentinels of Mith
Mith is a cruel world, torn by war and betrayal.

In the south, the theocratic empire of Durcac, seeking an advantage against their rival nation, the Imetrium, send their armies north, bent on conquest. General Nârkizâ, faithful but skeptical, must now balance his conscience with his loyalty towards his god and homeland.

In the peaceful town of Redglen, the young mage Carzain is bored with life as a minor scholar, so when the king of Runger invades, Carzain volunteers for the army. And in the chaos of war, Carzain will find his calling and begin to discover the dark secrets buried in his past.

And in the shadows, a sinister force thought long extinct seems to be awakening, and a ten-thousand-year long underground war between two shadowy brotherhoods is about to erupt in full flame.

How do you like it? Does this resume make you want to read the book? Any kind of comments welcome.

[mirinda]

Ooooohhh I like it. I'd definitely pick it up to read Spectrum!

[Rider]

a minor scholar, so when

That could use a a minor scholar - when as I see it... I've always been taught not to use many 'so's... What do others think on it?

[Memnoch]

seems to have promise although a touch cliche'd, especially the names, although no doubt original they seem like you have tried to hard with them. (I may be wrong!)

Underground war smacks of so so erm so (is that to many so's Rider ;o) many other books and "Baldurs gate the game" any one?? As is the bored underachieving scholar who let me guess is destined for greatness??

Don't get me wrong I love a good read and this type of book I'm a fan of, if well written, but perhaps a little less obvious and paint by numbers plot in the blurb would help, I'd think seen it got the T-shirt, if I read this in a bookshop.

The General? Which nation is he the General of? Faithful to who? Perhaps to much of a character give away in a blurb. His torn loyalties should be laid on the reader more subtly not just handed on a plate.

A great base though good luck.

[Rider]

Yeah, that's quite a few 'so's...

I'd agree about the loyalties. You should have the reader take what he can of the character later on in the book not tell them who he is and what he does.

[Culhwch]

It sounds interesting, though I agree on the names. They'd put me off, but I'm notoriously choosy about such things. I assume you don't mean underground war as in a war that takes place under the ground - as Memnoch seems to be saying - but rather one that has been secret and hidden for a long time? Only other point would be shadows-shadowy repetition in the final paragraph.

[timelord4]

Agreed. Too much character info for a blurb and a shade too obvious. BTW, isn't all Fantasy basically about the same thing? It's just the new angles and breath of fresh writing that makes a standout.

As example and IMO, not my writing, if it pleases.

In the south, the theocratic empire of Durcac, seek an advantage against a rival nation and send their armies north. General Nârkizâ, a faithful but skeptical leader, must now balance his conscience between his god or his homeland.

In the peaceful town of Redglen, the young mage Carzain is bored with life as a minor scholar. When the king of Runger invades, Carzain volunteers for the army and in the chaos of war, Carzain begins to discover dark secrets buried in his past.

And in the shadows, a sinister and long forgotten force awakens. A ten-thousand-year underground war between two shadowy brotherhoods is about to erupt in full flame.

That's really the only info people need to know. Now you can embelish this with some fanciful adverbs/adjectives. OK, so don't get rid of your original blurb. That's what you're going to use when you submit your synopsis. See - all used, nothing goes to waste.

[Paramour]

And in the shadows, a sinister force thought long extinct seems to be awakening, and a ten-thousand-year long underground war between two shadowy brotherhoods is about to erupt in full flame.

Strikes me as LOTR-ish. Then again, I like those types of stories, so its not exactly a bad thing

Who's the main character here, if there is one? Or is this one of those books that bounces chapters between characters?

I'd definitely pick it up. Epic wars entice me. I'd then proceed to flip through the first three pages. If its not choked with backstory, I'd buy it.

My opinions, of course ^_^

[Spectrum]

Originally Posted by Memnoch

seems to have promise although a touch cliche'd, especially the names, although no doubt original they seem like you have tried to hard with them. (I may be wrong!)

Personally I am proud of my names and words. While this is not evident from seeing only a few names, I have put effort into personalizing the various languages, so that names from different cultures will be distinctive. The names that appear in the blurb are very unlikely to change.

Originally Posted by Memnoch

Underground war smacks of so so erm so (is that to many so's Rider ;o) many other books and "Baldurs gate the game" any one??

Does it? Hm... I haven't read them. I don't recall reading any books with an "underground" war quite like the one I have. (The closest thing is the Kult RPG, if anyone knows that.) But of course, that's not obvious from these three-four lines.

Originally Posted by Memnoch

As is the bored underachieving scholar who let me guess is destined for greatness??

Not underachieving. Just "minor" because there's no greatness to be found in Redglen. (I probably should scrap the "minor" from the blurb, tho.) And yes, he is destined for greatness, but not in the way you expect.

Originally Posted by Memnoch

perhaps a little less obvious and paint by numbers plot in the blurb would help

I don't understand what this means. Please elaborate.

Originally Posted by Memnoch

The General? Which nation is he the General of? Faithful to who? Perhaps to much of a character give away in a blurb. His torn loyalties should be laid on the reader more subtly not just handed on a plate.

Hm, yeah, OK. It's just that this conflict is quite central to the whole idea of Nârkizâ, so I wanted to have it there. (Also, I haven't written much of the Nârkizâ story arc yet, so I don't know much more about him than that. :P)

Originally Posted by Paramour

And in the shadows, a sinister force thought long extinct seems to be awakening, and a ten-thousand-year long underground war between two shadowy brotherhoods is about to erupt in full flame.

Strikes me as LOTR-ish.

Who is the other shadowy brotherhood in LOTR?

Originally Posted by Paramour

Who's the main character here, if there is one? Or is this one of those books that bounces chapters between characters?

It will be bouncing back and forth, but Carzain is the one I consider the primary main character. Nârkizâ is also a main character, and there will likely be more.

Originally Posted by Paramour

I'd definitely pick it up. Epic wars entice me. I'd then proceed to flip through the first three pages. If its not choked with backstory, I'd buy it.

That's good. I will probably post a sample of the beginning of the book soon.

[RandyEllefson]

I'd remove directions, like "in the south" for not telling me anything that matters on the back cover. "Seeking advantage" isn't very dramatic. Nor is "seems"

If I were to edit it might look like this (take it for what it's worth)

To conquer their rival nation, the Imetrium, the theocratic empire of Durcac sends its armies forth, General Nârkizâ at its helm. Faithful but skeptical, he must now balance his conscience with loyalty towards his god and homeland.

Bored with the peaceful life of a scholar, the young mage Carzain joins the armies of war, and in its chaos finds his calling - and the truth behind the dark secrets of his past.

And in the shadows, a sinister force thought long extinct awakens, a secret, ten-thousand-year war between two shadowy brotherhoods ready to erupt in full flame.

[Rider]

Who is the other shadowy brotherhood in LOTR?

One could say that White Council and the Nine Kings of Men fill the criteria... Shadowy doesn't mean 'dark' after all...

[Spectrum]

Originally Posted by Rider

One could say that White Council and the Nine Kings of Men fill the criteria... Shadowy doesn't mean 'dark' after all...

Hm, one might, I guess.

For an impression of what mine are like, imagine the network of Darkfriends from Wheel of Time, except with two such organizations (both evil) that fight each other.

[Jarshen]

Spectrum,
Not a bad idea to come out with this. Reducing your novel down to the exciting bare bones, but I reckon it is a very specialised skill so good on you.
For my part A world is not cruel So

Mith is a world of cruelty, punctured by war and betrayal.

Bent on conquest, the theocratic empire of Durcac send their armies north against their rival nation,the Imetrium and General Nârkizâ, faithful but sceptical leader of their forces will find his conscience and loyalty stretched between his god and his homeland.

Elsewhere a young mage Carzain will find his true calling when his peaceful country is invaded and he enlists in its defence. But in the chaos of war he also discovers dark secrets buried in his past.

And in the gloom, a sinister force, long thought to be extinct, awakens, and an ancient underground war between two shadowy brotherhoods erupts in full flame.

Just wanted to change some things, but my main thing as Memnoch says who is the general and why are his loyalties etc to be tested. It comes across that you have not written his story arc because the blurb is vague. Same problem with me with underground, do you mean hidden or subterranean.
The story sounds fine to me, don't worry about cliche, if the story is good and well written the characters will take us on a journey. Some people beleive there are no new ideas, just old one rewritten (better Ha.)

[Jarshen]

Spectrum,

Not a bad idea to write the back blurb, brings your novel down to the bare bones and hopefully excites the reader. It is also a specialised style.

Just want to change a few things and the big point is that it is clear from what you have wrtten that you do not know what is going to happen with the General, it is too vageue and therefore uninteresting, because the story arc is not there. So in some ways you are ahead of yourself here. Anyway here's my take

Chaos Bringer
Book One of Sentinels of Mith

Mith is a world of cruelty, punctured by war and betrayal.

Bent on conquest, the theocratic empire of Durcac send their armies north against their rival nation, the Imetrium. General Nârkizâ, faithful but sceptical leader of the forces will find his conscience stretched between his loyalty towards his god and that of his homeland.

Elsewhere a young mage Carzain will find his calling when he enlists to defend his country against a new invader. But in the chaos of war, Carzain will also begin to discover the dark secrets buried in his past.

And finally in the mists of conflict, a sinister force, long thought extinct, awakens, and an ancient war between two shadowy brotherhoods erupts.

Don't worry about too many comments. There are no new stories just old ones written better, if you like your idea go for it. But be aware that if a few people question stuff, it might be you are not getting your message across. For me I do not know when you use the word underground whether you mean secret/hidden or subterranean, so I left it out.

Good luck

[Memnoch]

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Personally I am proud of my names

Does it? Hm... I haven't read them. I don't recall reading any books with an "underground" war quite like the one I have. (The closest thing is the Kult RPG, if anyone knows that.) But of course, that's not obvious from these three-four lines.

Good for you, I just felt the names seemed a touch overthought. I hate every time I read a name in a book, thinking how should this be pronounced.

I understood underground meant a covert struggle and your elaboration in subsequent posts confirmed my first thoughts of two lots of erm . . bad guys vying for supremecy in relativley unknown struggles to the rest of the worlds populace, yadda yadda yadda . . . if you haven't read this you haven't read much of Feist, Martin, Erikson and Tolkien(to a degree) and of course evedident in the bore series, Wheel of Time, I mention Baldurs Gate the RPG PC game because it's a big part of the sequel the Theives guild having an "underground" or perhaps "underworld" is a better term, war with the Assasins guild.

When I say paint by numbers the whole blurb reeks of similar fantasy material, don't get me wrong "if it ain't broke don't fix it." I loved Gemmel and still re-read his work RIP. If you want an example of formulaic, he's it, but he's set apart in the sense his writing was fast expolsive and enjoyable, it made you give a . . . . Yet alot of his books felt like his older work re-hashed. I couldn't get enough though!!You need to want us (the consumer) to really want to know what happens in your tale. Add a bit of mystery don't lay it all out for us to assume that it is like evey other similar book.


You asked for critique, you don't need to be so defensive, I'm a consumer and obviously my opinions are purely that, opinions.