Jokes thread

[brian]

1/ While I was driving down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of the bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "Im late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "Im a rectum stretcher.
The cop said, "What...a rectum stretcher? And what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well,I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket--$95.00
The look on his face-- PRICELESS.

- - - - - - - - - -

2/ A man got home early from work one day and heard strange noises from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he cried.

"I'm having a heart attack!" shouts the woman.

He rushed downstairs to the phone, but just as he was about to pick up the receiver, his 4 year old sone came up to him and said, "Daddy, daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The man slammed the phone down, ran upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and ripped open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

"You rotten Bastad!" yelled the husband, "my wife's havig a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

- - - - - - - - - -

3/ VIRUS NAMES

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

- - - - - - - - - -

4/ A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around looking for the source of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you".

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses", replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed,

"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler "Jesus".

[brian]

5/ Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip
club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How
ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh
no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League. We share lanes with
them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi, Davey," she says. "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam
the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
doozie this time, Dave!"




6/ This guy walks into a bar. Inside there's a guy dressed in an eye-patch, peg leg, and and hook-hand. The guy walks up to the pirate and asks "Can you tell me the story how you got all of those injuries?" And the Pirate says, "Arrrrrrrrrrr, sure I will!"
The guy asks first about the peg leg.
"One day the sea was stormy i fell in and a shark bit me leg clean off!"
Then the guy asks how he got the hook.
"I was tryin' to stop a mutiny on me ship and got me hand cut off in a knife fight."
"Cool," says the guy. "So how'd you get the eye-patch?"
"Well I'll be darned of a seagul didn't crap in me eye."
"You don't lose an eye because of that!" says the guy.
The pirate responds "Well, it was my first day with the Hook."



7/ Seems a doctor, lawyer and engineer were scheduled to be executed by the guillotine. The doctor went first. They asked him if he wanted to be face up or face down. The doctor said, "well, I'd like to face my death. Put me face up". So that's what they did. The executioner pulled the cord to let the blade fall and nothing happened. The crowd went wild. "let him go", they cried, "he has to be innocent".

Next came the lawyer. They asked him if he would rather be face up or face down. "Well'. the lawyer said, "face up seemed to work pretty good for the doctor. I'll do that". So they layed him face up. Once again the executioner pulled the cord to let the blade fall and nothing happened. The crowd went wild. "let him go", they cried, "he has to be innocent too!".

Finally came the engineer's turn. They asked him if he would rather be face up or face down. "Face up seems to be the best choice", he said. So they layed him face up too. Then just as the executioner was starting to pull the cord the engineer cried out, "Hey, I think I see your problem..."



8/ A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer,

'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

The Man paused for a second, then said - Oh Man, some things - you just cant explain...

[brian]

9/ A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."




10/ Microsoft Cars:

If General Motors had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.




11/

> > TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

> > ENRON CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

> > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

> > A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

> > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

> > A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

> > A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

> > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

> > A RUSSIAN CORP ORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

> > A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

> > A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

> > A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

> > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

> > A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

[brian]

12/

------------

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

-----

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

-----

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

-----

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

-----

Bill Clinton and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bill saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm Bill Clinton's driver and I just killed the pig.

-----

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

-----

Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner. The waitress says, "Ready to order?" Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie." The waitress says, "A quickie? Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu." Gore leans and says, "It's pronounced "quiche."



13/ An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV
all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang
around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm
and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of
$5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the
loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you
when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to
a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm.
Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in
his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling
25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several more times
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By
the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the
night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before
a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying
the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has
a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes.

He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he
owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus
two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put
hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that
the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to
send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he
doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the
insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No
Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five
years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping
floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

[brian]

Jerry Falwell was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

Clinton asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

Clinton then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

[brian]

Extracts from Insurance Claim forms:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet.

I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

This customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

[brian]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could
hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[brian]

Ah...just found the jokestore on sffworld forums! Here are some choice picks:


[middle] - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - [/middle]


There were two greyhounds sitting in a bar having a drink when one says to the other " out of 42 starts I've managed 40 1st places and 2 2nd's"

The other greyhound says " that's pretty impresive !, out of 50 starts i've had 45 1st places , 3 2nd's and 2 3rd's"

The first greyhound says that's not bad either mate a toast to our success

From accross the room a horse came walking over and says "Pardon me chaps, couldn't help but over hearing you but , out of 52 starts I've had 52 wins "(with a smug smile on his face)

At the horses proclamation the two greyhounds look at one another and in unison say I'll be f##ked , a talking horse !!!


[middle] - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - [/middle]


I was walking home the other night, when I saw this naked bloke walking down the road carrying a woman on his back...

"Hey... what are you doing?" I asked

"Going to fancy dress party" he replied

"What are you going as?" I asked again...

"A tortoise..." points to woman "this is Michelle!"



[middle] - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - [/middle]


[one for the Brits!]

An essex girl goes into a bar and gets chatting to an Irishman.

She can't help but notice that his wellies have an L painted on one and an R on the other.

She says "I don't mean to be fick or nuffink, but why have you got an L and and R painted on your boots?"

The irishman replies.

"Well me beauty, tis simple really. I am a bit tick, and it reminds me that the boot with the L is for me left foot and the boot with the R is for me right foot see?"

The essex girl replies:

"Oh I wondered why my knickers had C&A in 'em!!!"


[middle] - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - v - [/middle]


Chap high-tailing it down the road at 90mph gets pulled over at a traffic control checkpoint. Officer comes over and orders him to roll down the window.

"Sir...you were speeding. I'd like to see your licence."

Driver looks up at him. "Sorry, I don't have a licence."

Officer looks stunned. "What do you mean?"

"I never passed my test."

"How about driving documents? I'd like to see the ownership papers for the vehicle."

The driver shrugs. "There's no documents. I needed the room in the glove compartment to hold the gun."

At this point the cop takes a step back. "There's a gun in the glove-box?"

"Yes. I needed it to steal the car."

Officer is wide-eyed by now. "You've stolen this car?"

"Yes - I shot the fellow who owned it. His body is in the boot. Would you like to see?"

Cop holds up his hand, trying to gather his thoughts. "Sir. Just sit there and don't move. I need to speak to my captain."

There's an intense conversation and an anxious-looking senior officer walks cautiously over. "Sir -- I'm a little confused. My officer over there tells me that you have no driving licence, that you have no documentation, that you've used a gun to steal this car, and that you've shot the owner and put his body in the boot."

Driver looks at the captain and shakes his head. "I'll bet the b@stard told you I was speeding as well "

[brian]

Got this from mich2brian at Ascifi.com:


- - - - - -


A priest wanted to raise money for his church and
on being told that there was a fortune in horse
racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in
the races. However, at the local auction the
going price for a horse was so high that he ended
up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since
he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third. The next day the local paper
carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that
he entered it in the race again, and this time it
won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The next paper
headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered
the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The
preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold
it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the
paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered
the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

[brian]

If you'd like a little more cheering up, you could always read up on the complete scripts of Monty Python.

[brian]

Intellifreak re-posted this at tutorial forums:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Don't Go To Heaven
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. "Pop! Goes The Hamster!"...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[brian]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer:
"No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of
the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type
'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

--

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
manual the woman replied angrily "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing and
I'm not going to read any friggin book."

--

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

--

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support:
"Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support:
"Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC
manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word
setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer
"No..."

--

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
there?"

--

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What
exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support:
"Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

--

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file
name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive - go to A:/
and type 'dir'." Customer: reads off a list of file names, including
'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type
'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file
name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it
can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope,
still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are
you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
key... does that matter?"

--

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give
the location, name and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset
barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get
on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can
open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little
barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar,
big bar, big bar ..."

--

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now
my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A: drive won't work?" Customer:
"That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now
it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind
of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message.
The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers
and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did
what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers and tried to get the disk out, but
it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech
Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer:
"No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster
and put the butter in the drive, around the disk and that got it loose. Then
I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a
disk that was broken and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear.
You put melted butter in your A:drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other
techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this,
can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A:
drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir,
did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to
fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?" Tech
Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because
you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent
you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's
manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour
butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record
every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're
supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we
can do for you. Have a nice day."

[brian]

...

[brian]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

[brian]

Gus the Rooster


This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Gus. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Gus the rooster costs $1,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.

So, he buys Gus.

The farmer takes Gus home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Gus seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Gus takes off like a shot. WHAM! Gus nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and sure enough, Gus is in there nailing the ducks too.

Later, the farmer sees Gus after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Gus out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Gus on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Gawd damned it Gus, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Gus opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, go away, they're getting closer!"