just a short scene

[asher marquering]

this scene follows a fight in which the protaganist gets impaled by several spikes in front of a women he loves but they can't be together because of cultural and status differences i didn't really feel like posting the whole scene so i just posted the part with the most impact (i think) wat you guys think




He looked at her with the spikes still punctured through his torso.
He took his sword and cut through the spikes’ ends that were protruding from his chest, then walked to her, stumbling at first but as he walked his stride bettered, he looked at her and smiled
“Are you ok?” she asked concerned and teary eyed, “should we call a paramedic?”
He could feel her concern and inability to comfort him; at times like these, it tore her apart.
He placed his arm around her waist and pulled her towards him; he kissed her head then held her.
“Holding you,” he smirked, “of course I’ll be.”

[ice.monkey]

I think it's very brief! It may have been better if you'd posted a bit more - we don't mind reading a larger section, just make sure you don't post your whole novel!

But with what you've given us, I've got a couple of thoughts.

The first sentence:

He looked at her with the spikes still punctured through his torso.

I've got a feeling that prior to this you won't have mentioned to the reader that this guy hasn't removed the spikes. Therefore, we know that the spikes are going to still be stuck in him, so you don't need to tell us that. You'd be better off telling us what it's like for him to be speared, such as:

"He looked at her and winced as he felt the spikes grate against his ribs."

One thing to look out for is repitition of words too close together. Here you've used spikes in the first sentence and again in the second. Try to find another word to use here, or alternatively:

"He took his sword and sliced through the wood protruding from his chest.."

Later you use 'concern' twice in quick succession. Again, try to reword this.

This sentence:

He took his sword and cut through the spikes’ ends that were protruding from his chest, then walked to her, stumbling at first but as he walked his stride bettered, he looked at her and smiled

Really needs splitting in two. Put a full stop after 'bettered' and have 'He looked at her and smiled.' as a separate sentence.

I'm assuming the guy is superhuman in some respects? A vamp? But would the girl really want blood smeared all over her from his multiple wounds?

Also 'okay' is written 'okay' and not 'ok'. Okay?

Hope this helps.

[Culhwch]

Originally Posted by ice.monkey

Also 'okay' is written 'okay' and not 'ok'. Okay?

I'd tend to agree, but that issue has been the subject of debate here before...

As ice.monkey said it's hard to judge this out of context, but I'm afraid to say that from what you have given us this doesn't have much impact on me at all. It seems very stilted and unnatural, to me at least. I don't know, it's just a really odd combination of things. For instance, a sword and paramedics? Not knowng your world, it's hard to reconcile these things. And the whole cutting the tips off the spikes... why not pull them out? Does he cut them off where they emerge from the skin? Otherwise that's going to be one uncomfortable embrace...

It might be an idea to post some more - you might find comments in response to a longer excerpt of more use.

[Lacedaemonian]

I get the impression it is a super hero story. Very short but good. I assume.

[mirinda]

Yes post some more It's intruiging.

[timelord4]

Yeah, that got me as well. Swords and paramedics. Not a vamp. because he's just been impaled by wooden spikes I take it. Seeing that he sheared them off with his sword. Got to be modern day with a superman running around with a sword who's not a vamp. And a woman who's not afraid to embrace, or feel uncomfortable with spike ends pushing into her, let alone the blood. Perhaps if we had a bit more to go off?

I suggest, if you want this as your impact piece, flesh it out more. Make him suffer, and make the woman wail. He doesn't get *better* all of a sudden. He drags himself over to her, grabs her by the hair and pulls her down to his bloody lips. LOL You know best how to do it.

Cheers

TL