All That Was Left- Chapter 1

[-Ellimist-]

Kinda wanna know how people like the story, how it flows, the characters, in this segment. I don't think i'll be doing this too often, as the chapters seem to be progressively growing, and i don't want to drain up people's time with long entries.

1

Below in the hold all that had happened on the topside had not gone unnoticed by the prisoners or passengers in their cages. That was all that there was in the ship’s hold—shelves and the cages that lined them. All the way down to the cavernous bottom of the ship, which was taking on water and drowning the poor souls that had chosen or been put in the bottom. Not too far from the bottom was a cage that held two passengers, helpless in the grip of fear that the water would soon be coming up to claim them, too. Breathless, Michael Owens and his friend Laura Ferrel looked on at the scene with bulging, horrified eyes and open-maw expressions.


Laura squeezed Michael’s hands and tried to talk to him over the roar and rushing of the water crashing into the battleship but she could not meet his eyes or gain his attention. He was focused not on the rushing of the water but the terrible screams there were being silenced quicker and quicker. "Michael!" Laura cried, shaking him by the shoulders.

Michael’s spell of apathetic, horrified daze was broken and he looked straight into Laura’s eyes, finding no reassurance, but feeling her squeeze his hand. It warmed him inside and at that moment he knew he was probably going to die for the young woman someday. Quit it, a resentful, bitter voice raged at him from inside him. You ain’t good enough and you know she don’t love you that way. After that, the helpful part of that bitterness kicked in. You gotta get outta here frank, it said. Michael wondered why his conscience felt the biting need to give him a nickname in a situation like this.

The bars on the cage that they resided in were anything but stable, but Michael surveyed them anyway, trying to feign a sense of calm confidence so that Laura wouldn’t break down like before. Michael took her by the shoulders this time and said, "I"m going to get you to your family, to your brother! We’re going to get out of this!" Laura nodded fearfully, taking turns looking down at the elevating water and back into his face, trying to level the sense of calm and insane fear in herself.

Michael could see perhaps one part of the cage that was more unstable than any other—there was one bar that was crooked. He knew that he would need probably two of the bars for himself to get out, but he knew Laura was slender, and she would probably only need that one to get up and start to climb on the other cages and try to make it for the door of the hold, suspended on a catwalk above. He had to get up there too though, or neither of them would be able to reach the catwalk from the highest cage. And all this thinking? The voice prodded in him. It’s wasting your damned time. Get on with it, frank.

Really developed a sense of humor, haven’t you? Michael thought to himself. Spaced about half a foot apart, now the bars were alive with shaking and shuddering that accompanied the battleship continuing to take on water. The hold was getting colder again, a sure sign that water was definitely rising even as he took his time to think. Quickly, his hand darted out and grabbed onto the crooked, bent bar and pressed his feet against the opposite two bars, trying desperately to pull the crooked one free. With all his strength he wrenched the bar out of the cage’s foundation but also with all of his strength behind the pull, he slashed himself across the face with the end of the bar and immediately blood started to trickle down his face.

"Mike! Are you okay?" Laura screamed.

Michael didn’t bother answering her; just wipe the blood out of your eyes and go on, he told himself. That could have been the other voice prodding him in unison with his own thoughts, he would not know ever. He went to work on the bar to his right and just as he began to make a little headway, Laura’s screams became shrill and he felt the icy, creeping hands of the ocean start to filter into their cage and grope at him, taking immediately away his breath with its temperature. Ge-osh, he thought. I thought everything in California was supposed to be warm.

Michael went back to work at the bar though, knowing full well now was not the time to get caught up in tourist information. The water was up to his neck before he could finally wrench the bar free and fling it out of the cage. "Go!" He turned to see Laura shivering and crying, but she was wading over to the side of the cage and already poking her body out of the gap he had made. Good girl, he wanted to say. Maybe if we get out of this we can get to know each other a little more. And that was the bitter, pessimistic voice in him again. He felt it take hold of him and think for him every once and while—an aftereffect of watching the world begin to crumble. I’ve seen much worse happen to people, so I’m not complaining, Michael thought.

Laura’s full head of black hair was only half doused in water as she swam out from the cage and climbed on top of it. Michael shouted from beneath her, "Now keep climbing don’t stop! Keep going until you’re on the top one!"

Laura leaned her weight to the edge of their cage and jumped up to grab the bars of the one above, hauling herself up while the prisoners inside the cage pawed and screamed for her to help them. The force of her jump pushed the cage right off of the huge shelf and into the water. Suddenly all went blue for Michael and he was being forced downward, into the inky-cold depths. He fought against the weight of the cage at first, but he couldn’t do anything about it. His body was halfway out of the gap in the bars when the cage twisted erratically. He heard a groan from below in the water and the battleship jolted backward, toward the ocean. What in the hell’s going on now!

He had only the time to think that before he escaped the cage and swam for his life to the surface, while spots of black started to appear before his eyes. His flailing form broke the surface of the water and he saw Laura peering down at him, sobbing and shouting for him to hurry. Michael tried to yell to her to keep climbing but the ship was jolted again. A whole row of cages exploded off of their shelves and Michael just barely missed being smashed and taken under water by their weight. The water had risen so that he could grab onto the nearest cage and heft himself up to it. He stepped onto it and eased himself onto the top of it, while frenzied hands and arms flailed and grabbed at him, cries for help going horribly unnoticed to him. I have to keep alive first. Always the pragmatist, the other voice crowed.

Growling at himself and at the uneven footing he’d bought himself on top of the cage, Michael finally jumped up to the next and climbed that one. His gaze met Laura’s and he observed she was two cages up, one away from the top cage. A quick glance back downward belayed anymore crippling fear, in that the water seemed to be tapering off, but something told him that they needed to get out anyway—he could have sworn to God that he’d seen something moving at the bottom of the ship, bigger than any passenger or cage.

Michael was able to get to the top cage about thirty seconds after Laura had perched herself on its dark metal roof but he was afraid they would put too much weight onto it and spill right over into the water. "Hurry up, Laura," he said. "I’ll give you a boost but we have to hurry,"

A fresh volley of blood-curdling screams gripped his attention and he looked downward but saw only a new maelstrom torrent of water below. He could hear someone screaming, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" Laura murmured.

Michael shook his head and interlocked his fingers and held them out for her to step onto. When her foot was inside his hands he lifted her up into the air and she clutched the side of the catwalk’s brim. "You got it?" He cried out.
Gasping, she replied, "Yeah!"

Michael felt another tremble below his feet and he knew what that preceded—he jumped, the force of the move shoved the cage he’d just been on plummeting into the water. As Michael gripped the safety railing of the catwalk and began to haul himself up, he looked back to see the cage and its screaming occupants plunge into the churning, foaming water below. There, he thought, he could see a thick, darting motion just beneath the surface. "Get up!" He cried.


Michael began to climb and the entire catwalk began to tremble under their weight and while he knew it would hold up for them to get into the doorway and out onto the deck, he needed to be on top of it and as quickly as his aching arms would allow. He heaved himself onto its surface and threw himself into the doorway. The catwalk creaked and groaned and broke off of its setting. Laura screamed and had enough of her body on the catwalk to throw herself at Michael, but he could only grip her arm, right at the elbow joint.


Just as he started to pull her up, below her the surface of the water broke and a mega-mouthed beast with voluminous rows of sharply grooved teeth jerked its gray pointed snout back and forth. The beast’s giant head knocked cages off of their shelves and freed their prisoners into its jaws. Their bloody aftermath declared the water violet, leaving only the screaming of Laura’s voice and those that were too unfortunate to stay below in Michael’s memory for the duration of the day.

[timelord4]

Ellimist,

I just did 3 hours comment on your piece and my PC crashed
I'm going to bed in disgust. I'll try again later. Sorry.

TL

[The Bloated Shaganat]

This is interesting, if a little dark for my tastes.

I don't do grammar, Chris and Leisha surpass anything I have ever seen on the subject, and may get involved. My thoughts are just observations.

Do you write a lot, or is this your first novel/novelle? I only ask as I see several things that you could do immediately to drastically improve this and wondered whether people have mentioned the following;

i) You use a lot of superfluous words to say simple things. A common mistake we can all fall into, but particular to new writers e.g.

Below in the hold all that had happened on the topside had not gone unnoticed by the prisoners or passengers in their cages. That was all that there was in the ship’s hold—shelves and the cages that lined them.

I can see what you are trying to say, but your sentence structure could be simpler, with fewer words. The quicker you get to your characters the better.

ii) Clarity of thought. Again, I know what you are trying to say, but it could be crisper. You could try writing a flow diagram to show the action and events. It is surprsing how the simplest detail can get overlooked. And, you have to trust your readership to understand, rather than tell them every little detail.

If I was going to offer one suggestion - precis, precis, precis!

Hope it helps,

TBO

[-Ellimist-]

ty for the advice shag, no prob timelord, sounds like ya did a lotta work.

[timelord4]

hahah

TBO already commented on what I was going to say. Especially about the opening sentence. OK, I'll add a bit more now that the PC looks more awake.

Your *prologue* isn't a prologue. It's actually chapter 1. Usually, a prologue links your story *now* from events that occured in the past.
However, that said, your *prologue*, chapter 1 is a great tensioner for this chapter. To capitalise on the two chapters, build the tension using different themes. Just as you have done. But sharpen up the first paragraph. I did one for you to look at last night, but unfortunately that fell away and I can't remember it now. It did emphasise the rising water level, screams from the caged prisoners and created enough tension by demonstrating the panic and the headlong rush to topside. (You should hit on this, because the reader, through chapter 1 already knows what's awaiting topside. Those trapped below decks don't!)

And like TBO, I suggested you do up a flow chart. Match one for your *plot* line, which should increase slowly and show the emergence of the plot towards the end of chapter 3 or beginning of chapter 4. Chapter 3 should really become your info dump ground; you know, plot and character development, settings, locations, background information. BUT, this chapter is probably one of the most important chapters to write. Look at all the exremely successful authors and study their style in info dump chapters. Notice how they do it economically, precisely and as gripping as the tension chapters.

The other line is your *tension* line which rises sharply in the first 2 chapters, dips dramatically (info dump chapter), then rises slowly through the next chapters until it reachs the same height as before then it plunges again. USE A CHART.

Lastly:
This sentence.
Laura nodded fearfully, taking turns looking down at the elevating water and back into his face, trying to level the sense of calm and insane fear in herself.
It's Laura's POV. The rest of the chapter is Michaels POV. Try to keep it consistent. Otherwise the story jumps, not meaning to.

There were other things but they've all gone out of my head now, so

Keep at it. It looks good.

TL

[-Ellimist-]

wanted to clarify, the chapter 1 is after the prologue, the people topside are all dead as chapter 1 is going on. that's just one thing i had to reply with, since the other things are just advice i gotta utilize. thanks.

[-Ellimist-]

couldn't figure out how to edit my last reply, had to add, already have chaps 3 and 4 done and they didn't really do any info dumping, they introd three new characters.

[Leisha]

Hi, I've gone through a couple of pages for you. I don't know if any of my suggestions are to your liking, but I'll make them anyway.


Below in the hold all that had happened on the topside had not gone unnoticed by the prisoners or passengers in their cages [To be honest, you could word this first line better. It's taken me several reads to understand your meaning -- and that's if I've got it right. I think my main concern is the "hold all"; that's a bag. Perhaps something more gripping, something that's easier to comprehend like "Below, in the hold, everything that had occurred above deck had not gone unnoticed by the prisoners." I haven't mentioned "and the passengers" because it lessens the strength of the sentence.]. That was all that there was in the ship’s hold—shelves and the cages that lined them. [They went] All the way down to the cavernous bottom of the ship, which was taking on water and drowning the poor souls that had chosen [to be in,] or been put in [into] [comma] the bottom. Not too far from the bottom [repeat of "bottom"] was a cage that held two passengers, helpless in the grip of fear [scared] that the water would soon be coming up to claim them, too [Although writing "scared" and "in the grip of fear" is telling, not showing; you could show us they're scared by their reactions, such as heart pumping, hands sweating, etc]. Breathless, Michael Owens [I'm sorry, but I think of a certain footballer when I read that name ] and his friend Laura Ferrel looked on [remove "on"] at the scene with bulging, horrified eyes and open-maw [open-maw is an odd way of saying "open-mouthed".] expressions.


Laura squeezed Michael’s hands and tried to talk to him over the roar and rushing of the water crashing into the battleship [comma] but she could not meet his eyes or gain his attention. He was focused not [Should be reworded to "He was not focused"] on the rushing of the water [comma. Also, how about "rushing water"] but the terrible screams there were being silenced quicker and quicker [Or being "quickly silenced"]. "Michael!" Laura cried, shaking him by the shoulders.

Michael’s spell of apathetic, horrified daze was broken [You are using more words than you need to. Perhaps something like "Michael's apathy ended, and he looked into..."] and he looked straight ["straight" is unneeded] into Laura’s eyes, finding no reassurance, but feeling [he felt] her squeeze his hand. It warmed him inside [comma] and at that moment [comma] he knew he was probably going to die for the young woman someday. Quit it, a resentful, bitter voice raged at him from inside him[Or "Quit it, his resentful, bitter inner voice raged at him"]. You ain’t good enough [comma] and you know she don’t love you that way. After that, the helpful part of that bitterness kicked in [This is telling]. You gotta get outta here [comma; always a comma before you directly address a person] frank ["Frank" perhaps?], it said. Michael wondered why his conscience felt the biting need to give him a nickname in a situation like this.

The bars on the cage that they resided in were anything but stable [Again, you choose the longer way of saying things. Why not "The bars of their cage were anything but stable"?], but Michael surveyed them anyway, trying to feign a sense of calm confidence so that Laura wouldn’t break down like before. Michael took her by the shoulders this time and said, "I"m [I'm] going to get you to your family, to your brother! We’re going to get out of this!" Laura nodded fearfully ["Fearfully" is telling. Instead, try to show us she's scared.], taking turns looking down at the elevating water and back into his face, trying to level the sense of calm and insane fear in herself [Point of view slip; we're now in her mind and her thoughts. We we're in his POV before.].

Michael could see perhaps [the "perhaps" makes you sound hesitant. Try to state what's going on, quickly and clearly] one part of the cage that was more unstable than any other—there was one bar that was crooked [This line -- as is a few of your others -- is full of passive voice (In passive sentences, you use "was/is/were/be/are" and they produce passive writing. Here's a rewrite: "Looking around, Michael could see one crooked bar, and he knew that, while he would not fit through the gap in between, Laura's slender body would." You see the difference? The line isn't as wordy, it states exactly what's going on, and it's written in an active voice.]. He knew that he would need probably two of the bars for himself to get out, but he knew Laura was slender, and she would probably only need that one to get up and start to climb on the other cages and try to make it for the door of the hold, suspended on a catwalk above [Whoa! This sentence is looooong!]. He had to get up there too [comma] though, or neither of them would be able to reach the catwalk from the highest cage. And all this thinking? [Is the really a question?] The voice prodded in him. It’s wasting your damned time. Get on with it, frank. [I'd personally write something like And all this thinking, the voice prodded in him, it's wasting your time.]


I'll leave it there because I'm having difficulty typing today (I've got a cold and my head's not "with it").

I hope this gives you some ideas anyway. As usual, use or lose as you wish.

[timelord4]

Sorry Ellimist, I wasn't terribly clear. *still miffed over fanged PC*

What I really meant was that you should take your Prologue, and call it Chapter 1. Your next chapter, the one I'm reading now, would be Chapter 2. In other words, either have no prologue or write another one. (Read what I said about Prologues) You've got these really well done chapters with great tension builders, just as your leading chapters should be done. You have already completed your next chapters you say, and introduced new characters. That's fine, no problems there. But you need to tone it down in these chapters, otherwise your whole story would need to be written at the same hectic pace. (Not only would that be hard on you, it'd be hard on the reader).

Does that clarify things a bit better, or is it still clear as mud? LOL

Anyway, keep writing and when you've finished your book and go back to the beginning for the first edit, you'll see what I mean.

My 2c only and keep going, the story's extremely interesting.

[areader]

Why are they in cages? It seems life in cages would all be pretty great if it weren't for the water...have I missed something?

[-Ellimist-]

cages for travel, either willing and have paid for seats out of russia, or prison labor.