Dark Disciple ~ Prologue

[timelord4]

This is a short prologue for Book 1 of Dark Son Trilogy.
Any crics. welcome and thanks.
Approx 800 words.





As if to inspire his appetite, tender young lamb chops smothered with rich brown gravy, bubbled merrily on a platter on the table. To further tantalise the old man’s taste buds, a pitcher of heavy ale trickled beads of residue down one side, pooling at the base in a brown puddle. However, it was the game of Toh yet to come that truly excited him. The thrill coursed through him in eager anticipation. He smiled gleefully and reached for the ale.


‘You’re odd,’ the second man grimaced. He slid into a bench opposite, placing a small rectangular box on the table beside him.


Sweeping long silver hair over one shoulder, the old man raised his tankard in greeting and pulled deeply of the draught. Foam clung in whispery threads to the edges of his moustached beard and he wiped them away with a smack of his lips.


‘At least you could have picked a better tavern.’ The dark man settled into the bench and flicked a quick glance around him.


‘Nothing wrong with this one.’ A chop was dunked into the gravy; stirred into the potato mash and soon the sound of teeth grinding across bone filled the space between them.


A look of annoyance creased the second man’s brow. ‘And gross.’ He cast his gaze about the tavern, watching as a pall of smoke pushed itself out of the fireplace - like the huff of a sleeping dragon. What little light flickered over his black; almost deep grape, features and he shook his shiny baldhead. ‘At least you could have picked a better setting,’ he muttered.


‘I thought you liked medieval settings.’ The old man tore at a loaf of bread, dipping it into his food. ‘Goes with your complexion.’


‘Goes with your age.’


‘Really, I thought we were the same age?’


‘We are, it’s just that at times you look more like my father.’


The old man guffawed; chuckling around the chunk of gravy soaked bread. ‘Hardly. Only the blind man in the corner would believe that.’


The dark man peered into the corner where the blind man supped at his ale. He grinned. The magician had the right of it. He opened the box, carefully taking out a board and unfolding it flat on the table.


‘What, you’re not eating?’


‘Later.’ The dark man eyed the chops and looked away. Maybe not. They looked greasy. Eventually he took up his pitcher and sipped at his ale. Mercy! The stuff was vile. He looked around for somewhere to spit.


After what seemed a short amount of time, the old man sat back and smiled broadly. He tossed the last chop bone onto his plate, wiped grease from his lips with the back of his hand and eyed his ale. ‘Good drop, isn’t it?’


Shaking his head, the dark man glanced up at the magician, irritation a smouldering ember in his dark pitched eyes.


Unperturbed, the magician took a large swallow of his ale and slid along his bench leaving the empty plate behind him.


‘Ah. So we begin.’ He rubbed his hands together, a trickle of drool barely missing the Toh board in front of him.


The dark man shivered in disgust. Surely I can find another partner?


They began to place pieces from the box onto the board. Two rows in front of each man, one side was white the other black.


The dark man selected a piece from each side and shook his hands before holding them out in front of him.


Tapping one of his friend’s hands, the magician leaned forward to see which piece he had selected. White!


The dark man wiped the back of his hand on his robe as they turned the board to set the colours.


‘Same deal daemon?’ A silvery eyebrow was raised towards the dark man.


Settling back on his bench, the dark man considered. The same deal. It was always the same deal. Set the fate of a people with the move of a piece. Destiny in the hands of a disgusting old magician and a grumpy black daemon. So be it. He nodded his head.


‘We start from this age?’


Again the nod.


‘And what are you this time dark daemon?’


‘And what are you old Merlin?’


The magician picked up a piece. The Fair Prince. Mischief glinted in his rheumy eyes and a smile curled his lips. He nodded his head to the daemon.


The dark man hesitated, before closing his fist around his selected piece. They both studied it a moment. Intricately carved from the bone of an ancient black dragon, the ebony figure gleamed in the half-light. Time stood and stamped its feet, impatient to be about it. The world paused, gathering its breath. And exhaled in expectation as the daemon moved the piece two squares up the board.


‘The game begins with the Dark Son.’

[Peter Graham]

Originally Posted by timelord4

This is a short prologue for Book 1 of Dark Son Trilogy.
Any crics. welcome and thanks.
Approx 800 words.


Hello Timelord4,

I've had a quick stab at a critique - apologies to Chris and Leisha for stepping on any grammatical toes!

I'm blowed if I can work out how to use my computer at anything other than Janet and John level, so my comments are all preceded by a >. Hope it is easy to follow!

On the whole, I rather liked it. I like the idea of the game over life - very "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" - excellent. I'd be interested to see what happens next!




As if to inspire his appetite, tender young lamb chops smothered with rich brown gravy, bubbled merrily on a platter on the table.

> You don't need the second comma.


To further tantalise the old man’s taste buds, a pitcher of heavy ale trickled beads of residue


> Residue? Do you mean foam or head?


down one side, pooling at the base in a brown puddle. However, it was the game of Toh yet to come that truly excited him. The thrill coursed through him in eager anticipation. He smiled gleefully and reached for the ale.


‘You’re odd,’ the second man grimaced. He slid into a bench opposite, placing a small rectangular box on the table beside him.


Sweeping long silver hair over one shoulder, the old man raised his tankard in greeting and pulled deeply of the draught. Foam clung in whispery threads to the edges of his moustached beard

> Moustache and beard? I'm not sure a beard can be moustached!!

and he wiped them

> it

away with a smack of his lips.


‘At least you could have picked a better tavern.’ The dark man settled into the bench and flicked a quick glance around him.


> Is the dark man also the second man? I assume he probably is, but it isn't totally clear.




‘Nothing wrong with this one.’ A chop was dunked into the gravy; stirred into the potato mash and soon the sound of teeth grinding across bone filled the space between them.


>You don't need a semicolon here. A comma will do. Also, the image of the noise filling the space is a bit clumsy. And possibly inaccurate - doesn't chop meat drop away from the bone fairly readily?




A look of annoyance creased the second man’s brow. ‘And gross.’


> Word "gross" jars - the only use of modern idiom in the piece.


He cast his gaze about the tavern, watching as a pall of smoke pushed itself out of the fireplace - like the huff of a sleeping dragon. What little light flickered over his black; almost deep grape, features and he shook his shiny baldhead.


>What little light there was...? What are deep grape features?


‘At least you could have picked a better setting,’ he muttered.


‘I thought you liked medieval settings.’


>Perhaps the book isn't set in medieval times, but if it is, it isn't a word they would be likely to use.


The old man tore at a loaf of bread, dipping it into his food. ‘Goes with your complexion.’


‘Goes with your age.’


‘Really, I thought we were the same age?’


‘We are, it’s just that at times you look more like my father.’


The old man guffawed; chuckling around the chunk of gravy soaked bread. ‘Hardly. Only the blind man in the corner would believe that.’


The dark man peered into the corner where the blind man supped at his ale. He grinned. The magician had the right of it.


> Dark man and magician? Same as second man and old man? Perhaps make it clear that you are referring to the same characters


He opened the box, carefully taking out a board and unfolding it flat on the table.


‘What, you’re not eating?’


‘Later.’ The dark man eyed the chops and looked away. Maybe not. They looked greasy. Eventually he took up his pitcher and sipped at his ale. Mercy! The stuff was vile. He looked around for somewhere to spit.


After what seemed a short amount of time,


> why does it only "seem" a short amount of time?

the old man sat back and smiled broadly. He tossed the last chop bone onto his plate, wiped grease from his lips with the back of his hand and eyed his ale. ‘Good drop, isn’t it?’


Shaking his head, the dark man glanced up at the magician, irritation a smouldering ember in his dark pitched eyes.


> Pitch, if you're referring to the colour. Unless he's throwing his eyes across the room! And perhaps irritation shoud burn like a smouldering ember?




Unperturbed, the magician took a large swallow of his ale and slid along his bench leaving the empty plate behind him.


‘Ah. So we begin.’ He rubbed his hands together, a trickle of drool barely missing the Toh board in front of him.


The dark man shivered in disgust. Surely I can find another partner?


They began to place pieces from the box onto the board. Two rows in front of each man,


> semicolon rather than a comma here?




one side was white the other black. The dark man selected a piece from each side and shook his hands before holding them out in front of him.


Tapping one of his friend’s hands, the magician leaned forward to see which piece he had selected. White!


The dark man wiped the back of his hand on his robe as they turned the board to set the colours.


‘Same deal daemon?’ A silvery eyebrow was raised towards the dark man.


Settling back on his bench, the dark man considered. The same deal. It was always the same deal. Set the fate of a people with the move of a piece. Destiny in the hands of a disgusting old magician and a grumpy black daemon. So be it. He nodded his head.


‘We start from this age?’


Again the nod.


‘And what are you this time


>comma


dark daemon?’


‘And what are you


>comma


old Merlin?’


The magician picked up a piece. The Fair Prince. Mischief glinted in his rheumy eyes and a smile curled his lips. He nodded his head to the daemon.


The dark man hesitated, before closing his fist around his selected piece. They both studied it a moment. Intricately carved from the bone of an ancient black dragon, the ebony


>ebony is a type of wood, not bone (stands by to be corrected)


figure gleamed in the half-light. Time stood and stamped its feet, impatient to be about it. The world paused, gathering its breath. And exhaled in expectation as the daemon moved the piece two squares up the board.


‘The game begins with the Dark Son.’

Hope that all makes sense.

All the best,

Peter

[chrispenycate]

Not much need for my punctuation skills (well done)

As if to inspire his appetite, tender young lamb chops smothered with rich brown gravy, bubbled merrily on a platter on the table.

no comma after "gravy"

a pitcher of heavy ale trickled beads of residue down one side, pooling at the base in a brown puddle.

I don't quite like the mix of "beads" (suggesting liquid, almost purity) and "residue" (more gritty and - well -nasty.)

What little light flickered over his black; almost deep grape, features and he shook his shiny baldhead.

What little light there was? You don't need that semicolon, and I don't see the need to contract "bald head" into one word. Furthermore, if he was as dark as describe, would the light have "flickered"? (perhaps if he were polished; but grapes have a sort of matt finish)

After what seemed a short amount of time

clumsy structure, relative to the rest

Same deal daemon?

comma after "deal"

And what are you this time dark daemon?’

comma after "time"

‘And what are you old Merlin?’

comma after "you"

While agreeing that ebony is wood, it is sufficiently frequently used as a colour that I'm not in the least worried about it.

The "pitched", yes (one of the most over-meaninged words in the English language.) I'd taken it in musical terms, but possibly no-one else will

[Peter Graham]

Hello Chris,

As a matter of interest, how does one post a reply which jumps in and out of the quote boxes? Your edits are so much easier to follow.

Any techno-help very gratefully received!

Regards,

Peter

[timelord4]

Well done Peter. You did a great job at the grammar. And Chris agrees so

Thank you gentlemen. I'll make the changes.

Peter, a point of conjecture, maybe I'm wrong. But a person can have a moustache with no beard or a beard with no moustache right? Then a moustache and a beard could be them? LOL Now look what you've done. I'm puzzling now I'll consult a guru see what she says.

There is one issue I'm worried about, but as yet nobody's picked it up. Mmm, still time yet. Thanks again guys.

[Peter Graham]

Hello Timelord!

Thanks for the kind comments! Hope it was all of some use.

I'm not sure I agree with you about the "moustached beard" point. It reads as though "moustached" is adjectival - in other words, you say that his beard is moustached, which I don't think it can be. By definition, moustaches and beards are separate names for separate manifestations of facial furniture. It would be like talking about someone's "legged arms", unless "moustached beard" is a recognised and existing style of beard, in which case I am talking rubbish and shill desist forthwith.

In light of your final comment, I shall re-read the extract to see what I have missed......

Regards,

Peter

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Peter Graham

Hello Chris,

As a matter of interest, how does one post a reply which jumps in and out of the quote boxes? Your edits are so much easier to follow.

Any techno-help very gratefully received!

Regards,

Peter

I worked this out myself, so there's probably a much easier way of doing it. (I'm a computer illiterate, but very, very stubborn)
the technique for going into "quote" mode is "square bracket"; "quote" ;close square bracket [ - "quote" - ] (without all the spaces, otherwise it all operates and disappears. Getting out again is the same, but with a slash (/) before the "quote".
I have a document with a [ /quote][ color=red] [ /color] [ quote] that I copy/paste into documents, and a [ quote] [ /quote] for documents with fewer corrections (like this one) – both of those will be invisible but if you push the "quote" button as if you were going to answer, all will become clear. (It didn't, so I added spaces after the opening square brackets that'll need removing)
One of the computer savvy members could probably find a far better method, if they could be bothered.

[Leisha]

I won't comment on anything which has already been mentioned (i.e. grammar and punctuation), but I've highlighted things I noticed. I hope my critique helps somewhat.



As if to inspire his appetite, tender young [do you need the adjective "young"? Lambs are young sheep. Unless you meant it another way? However, since you have quite a few adjectives in this line already, perhaps you could remove it altogether...] lamb chops smothered with rich brown gravy, bubbled merrily on a platter on the table. To further tantalise the old man’s taste buds, a pitcher of heavy [Do you need this adjective?] ale trickled beads of residue down one side, pooling at the base in a brown [Again, do you need this adjective? We known ale is brownish in colour. Also, "pooling" means "to pool", so you've repeated yourself when you tell us it forms a puddle] puddle. However, it was the game of Toh yet to come that truly excited him. The thrill coursed through him in eager anticipation[These last two lines are telling, not showing. Of course, sometimes it's easier to tell, so I'm betting you're already aware of this, aren't you?]. He smiled gleefully [You don't need the adverb here; it's clear he's happy because of the way you've described his actions]and reached for the ale.


‘You’re odd,’ the second man grimaced. ["he grimaced" is a rather odd dialogue tag. Perhaps you could write "he said", or make the comma after "odd" into a full stop and add the appropriate capital letter, then you've separated the speech from the action.] He slid into a bench opposite, placing a small rectangular box on the table beside him.


Sweeping long silver hair over one shoulder, the old man raised his tankard in greeting and pulled [I've not heard this expression before. I would've written "drank" or "swallowed"] deeply of the draught. Foam clung in whispery threads to the edges of his moustached beard and he wiped them away with a smack of his lips.


‘At least you could have picked a better tavern.’ The dark man settled into the bench and flicked a quick glance around him.


‘Nothing wrong with this one.’ A chop was dunked into the gravy; stirred into the potato mash and soon the sound of teeth grinding across bone filled the space between them.


A look of annoyance creased the second man’s brow. ‘And gross.’ He cast his gaze about the tavern, watching as a pall of smoke pushed itself out of the fireplace - like the huff of a sleeping dragon. What little light flickered over his black; almost deep grape, features and he shook his shiny [I don't really see what relevance "shiny" is here] baldhead. ‘At least you could have picked a better setting,’ he muttered.


‘I thought you liked medieval settings.’ The old man tore at a loaf of bread, dipping it into his food. ‘Goes with your complexion.’


‘Goes with your age.’


‘Really, I thought we were the same age?’


‘We are, it’s just that at times you look more like my father.’


The old man guffawed; [I'd just use a comma] chuckling around the chunk of gravy soaked bread. ‘Hardly. Only the blind man in the corner would believe that.’


The dark man peered into the corner where the blind man supped at his ale. He grinned. The magician had the right of it. He opened the box, carefully taking out a board and unfolding it flat on the table.


‘What, you’re not eating?’


‘Later.’ The dark man eyed the chops and looked away. Maybe not. They looked greasy. Eventually he took up his pitcher and sipped at his ale. Mercy! The stuff was vile. He looked around for somewhere to spit. [You've wondered into the dark-eyed man's POV now]


After what seemed a short amount of time, the old man sat back and smiled broadly. He tossed the last chop bone onto his plate, wiped grease from his lips with the back of his hand and eyed [You mention "eyed" in the last paragraph] his ale. ‘Good drop, isn’t it?’


Shaking his head, the dark man glanced up at the magician, irritation a smouldering ember in his dark pitched eyes.


Unperturbed, the magician took a large swallow of his ale and slid along his bench leaving the empty plate behind him.


‘Ah. So we begin.’ He rubbed his hands together, a trickle of drool barely missing the Toh board in front of him.


The dark man shivered in disgust. Surely I can find another partner? [Again, another POV shift; we're back in the dark-eyed man's head]


They began to place pieces from the box onto the board. Two rows in front of each man, one side was white the other black.


The dark man selected a piece from each side and shook his hands before holding them out in front of him.


Tapping one of his friend’s hands, the magician leaned forward to see which piece he had selected. White!


The dark man wiped the back of his hand on his robe as they turned the board to set the colours.


‘Same deal daemon?’ A silvery eyebrow was raised towards the dark man. [Lol! That could mean he had an eyebrow in his hands, and he raised it at the man. ]


Settling back on his bench, the dark man considered. The same deal. It was always the same deal. Set the fate of a people with the move of a piece. Destiny in the hands of a disgusting old magician and a grumpy black daemon. So be it. He nodded his head.


‘We start from this age?’


Again the nod.


‘And what are you this time dark daemon?’


‘And what are you old Merlin?’


The magician picked up a piece. The Fair Prince. Mischief glinted in his rheumy [Don't think you need the adjective] eyes and a smile curled his lips. He nodded his head to the daemon.


The dark man hesitated, before closing his fist around his selected piece. They both studied it a moment. Intricately carved from the bone of an ancient black dragon, the ebony figure gleamed in the half-light. Time stood and stamped its feet, impatient to be about it [To me anyway, this line reads a little clunky]. The world paused, gathering its breath. And[I'd have joined these two sentences with an comma and then the words "and then"] exhaled in expectation as the daemon moved the piece two squares up the board.


‘The game begins with the Dark Son.’ [Not sure why you put this in italics]

-------------------------------------------------------


Am I correct in thinking that the worry you have is about POV switching? Well, I've pointed it out regardless.

I agree that "pitched", to me anyway, felt wrong placed where it is; I'd have used a different adjective or left it off altogether.


And yes, Chris has the right of it: When I do my crits, I type every code in myself (such as the codes for coloured text or quotes or different fonts or different sizes).

You just put one "quote" code at the top of where you want the quote to start, and the closing "quote" code at the place you want your quote to end. The opening quote should look like this:

[qoute]

The closing quote should look like this:

[/qoute]

Of course, make sure you spell "quote" right, or else your quote will not show up! Does that help?

Oh, and there is a simpler way: Highlight the text you want to quote, then press this button on the post editor (it's located in the post options at the top). It will convert the highlighted block of text into a quote for you.

[timelord4]

Thank you Leisha. As always your comments are most welcome.

I have to admit, having yourself and Chris as Master Grammarists is such a bonus to any site. And Peter does a fair job as well! BTW Peter, the manner in which you commented was great...nothing wrong with that...and if you wanted your comments to stand out you could have used the menu at the top and changed your comments to italics and/or a different colour. That's the easy part on this forum. Most don't give you that option. It's the old html thingy <i> </i> <r> </r> ~ you know.

Still...there is something I'm waiting for someone to comment on. Perhaps DG. She's good at firing it from the hip, and grammar's not her go LOL.

Being a prologue, and this is just a rough-in, may clue you in. But saying that, if no one picks it up, then presumably I'm safe. As Karen Miller says: *watch the info dumps* which leads to other things. But it's so hard when you're the writer.

Enough said. I should get Chapter 1 up to chase this fellow along. At least I spent a bit of time polishing that up because it's the one that's going to hit the slusher first up. And I want it slicker than ice

Thanks again for your time, energy and effort.

TL