Bllod Moon Excerpt (2,000 words approx)

[ysabara]

Here is a snippett from something I am working on. It should say Blood Moon ~ excuse my not so nimble fingers!

So. That was that then. Brasis entered his rooms and stood, gazing numbly at the wall. He hadn’t realised how much it would hurt, cutting Obis loose. Or had he? Crossing to the window he opened the shutters and let the cold air wash over him. The moon was visible above the turrets; almost full now. And red. Blood red. The Blood Moon he had been dreading for nearly half his lifetime? Brasis turned from the window. He had spent almost thirty years preparing for this. Now there was nothing left to do but wait it out and pray.
There was wine on a table and he poured himself a glass, chugged it down. Then another. And another. Foolish perhaps, to dull his senses when he would need every one of them to meet whatever was coming his way. He stripped off his clothing and prowled restlessly around his bedchamber checking the wards. The magic was sluggish and unresponsive. Another indication that his time was running out. For a half a thousand years the magic had served the scions of Ilios, imbued within the castle itself. It was only outside the environs of Castle Ilios that it no longer functioned and Brasis had to rely on his own skills. On his own wits, which he feared where growing less sharp with every passing hour.
With a growing sense of despair he wrestled the wards into submission. When he was satisfied that no one could broach them without his knowledge he turned his attention to the door that led into the secret ways, turning the seal upside down. Do not disturb. Brasis gave a grunt of laughter. The only three people who knew of the existence of this particular passageway were gone from the castle. Ana. God, Devin. Keep her safe. And Obis. Obi. Feeling weary beyond bearing Brasis fell face down on the bed, praying for sleep. For oblivion. It seemed that Garrion was still inclined to grant some of his prayers for he slid almost immediately into a deep, dreamless slumber.
He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping but something tugged at his consciousness pulling him back into wakefulness. He still lay on his stomach, his head cradled on his arms. An icy trickle of tension slid down his spine and he turned his head. Obis lounged on the bed beside him, fully dressed, his long legs crossed at the ankles, his arms behind his head. He was gazing up at the canopy above the bed. When Brasis stirred he dropped his eyes to study him thoughtfully.
“You’re awake then?” he said quietly.
Brasis sat up, blinking in confusion. He cast out, seeking confirmation that the wards had been broached. How? But they remained unbroken, seething resentfully under his touch. What could he assume from the fact that Obis Demariel was lying here on his bed and the magic had not prevented him from entering? Obis could have killed him whilst he slept. Would you Obi? Brasis could never bring himself to believe that, despite the evidence that his instincts these days were flawed.
Obis gave him a tight smile. “I thought you wouldn’t let me in,” he said.
So did I.
“What are you doing here, Obis? I thought I made my commands clear. You should be on your way to Rifaren.”
“You made yourself perfectly clear, your Grace. I doubt there was a person in the castle who didn’t grasp your meaning. It was unfortunate that you also had to reveal to the court something I told you in confidence. Something so painful, so…” Obis stopped, swallowing hard. “That was cruel, Brasis. I thought you were fond of me, your Grace?”
He spat the word fond out as though it was a piece of rotten fruit that he had eaten. Drawing a deep breath he continued. “However, when I was clear headed enough to look objectively at tonight’s events I realised something. You are many things my Lord, but you are not cruel. I know there are things you can’t…won’t, tell me. You’re so deeply mired in secrets Brasis, it’s a wonder you can lift your head high enough to breathe. I’ve never resented the fact that you didn’t trust me enough to share some of the burden.”
Brasis made a sound of protest but Obis wouldn’t let him speak.
“No, hear me out. I’ve been sitting out on the road for hours thinking about this. I’ve finally reached a conclusion. Do you want to hear it?”
Brasis nodded dumbly.
“You were trying to drive me away. That much was obvious. What was less obvious was why. Why did you send me away, Brasis? Something you dread is coming your way, isn’t it? This thing that you’ve been plotting and scheming against for years and you didn’t want me to be here when it comes. I asked myself why. Why you wouldn’t want me here beside you? I thought…I hoped maybe it was because you were fonder of me than you realised.” Obis uncrossed his arms and lowered them. One hand slipped down to find Brasis’ cold fingers and wrapped them in a firm, warm grip. Obis turned his head. His blue eyes looked hard into Brasis’. “Are you Brasis? More than fond?” His voice was low. It shook. “You know how I feel about you. I would die for you.”
“Don’t,” Brasis said brokenly. “Obi, don’t say that. I can’t…” he stared up into Obis’ face. I can’t what? Tell you that I love you? Because I don’t? No, Brasis shivered. Not because he didn’t love him, but just because he couldn’t. Twice in his life Brasis di Mizzio had told someone that he loved them and both times the consequences of that admission had almost broken him. Once to the scarred, traumatised boy he had taken from the slave pit at Akra. He and Devin Sawl had managed to construct a relationship from the ashes of that confession but even now, years later, there were still consequences reverberating through the close friendship, the trust that he and Devin had forged.
The other time, the first time, he had been little more than a boy. He had told a Queen that he loved her. Ysabara. The ramifications of that declaration had defined his life, his every action for the last thirty years. Had led him here to this point in time. Lying beside this man who had come to mean more to him than he could bear.
I love you. The words trembled on his tongue but he couldn’t utter them. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Obis continued to watch him whilst the silence stretched out. Something broke in his expression and he dropped his eyes, releasing his hold on Brasis’ hand.
“So,” he said wearily and the pain in his voice broke something inside Brasis. The weight of all the grief, the secrets he had been carrying pressed down on him. Just for once, he wanted to be selfish. To have something for himself without worrying about the consequences.
He sat up, reached for the other man. Drew him against his body and kissed him with a desperation that startled them both. When they broke apart he reached up and thumbed the smudges of exhaustion that lay beneath Obis’ eyes. Dropped his hand lower and traced the shape of the faint smile on his mouth.
“So,” said Brasis. “Why don’t you get undressed so I can show you just how fond of you I really am.”
The smile widened. Obis swung his legs over the bed and leant down to pull off his boots. His hands were shaking as he tugged at his shirt, dragged his breeches off. He lay back down beside Brasis.
“What about Staric?” he asked. There was a trace of hurt in his voice.
“Staric? That bull?” Brasis pulled Obis closer until they lay pressed together. He ran his hands over the younger man’s lean, lanky body. “Forgive me for that lapse, Obi?” he said huskily. “It was as painful an experience for me as it was for you.”
In his arms he felt Obis stiffen. “You think so?”
Brasis drew his head back. Made himself meet the pain in Obis’ eyes. “I hurt you Obi. It seems that’s all I’m good for these days. Hurting those I love.” God, had he really said that? Admitted that he loved Obis.
It seemed he had.
Obis rolled onto his back, raised an arm to lie across his eyes. He drew an uneven breath. When he lowered his arm his eyes were suspiciously bright.
“Now that we’ve established that fact I want to make something clear to you. You won’t drive me away, Brasis. Whatever you have to face you’ll face it with me.” He gave a shaky grin. “I’m actually quite handy with a sword you know.’
Brasis’ own eyes felt tight. He kept his voice deceptively light. “I can only imagine what mayhem would arise with you having a sharp implement in your hands Obi. I pray God it won’t ever come to that.” I won’t let it come to that. For now, it was enough that he wasn’t alone. When the time came he would ensure Obis’ safety.
Obis rolled back onto his side, slid his hand down Brasis’ body. His fingers found what they were seeking and squeezed. Brasis gasped and arched against his hand.
“Now, your Grace. Let me show you exactly what I can do with a sharp implement in my hands.”


The candle had burnt down towards Fourth hour but Brasis still lay awake, his body sated but his mind, as always restlessly pursuing consequences. What events had he set in motion tonight by taking Obis back into his bed? Did he care? He lowered his mouth and gently kissed the damp hair at Obis’ temple. The younger man was sleeping, his body tucked against Brasis’. Brasis studied his sleeping face and felt a surge of tenderness, a fierce determination to protect him at any cost.
I’m actually quite handy with a sword you know. Well, from now on Brasis intended to make sure that Obis went armed. To make sure that he knew how to handle a weapon. Do you really imagine a sword will be any protection against what’s coming for you? Maybe not, but it would ease his mind a little to know that the man he loved carried a weapon that he could wield effectively.
Love. Having finally admitted it to himself, to Obis, had brought a whole host of new obligations to hang around his shoulders. He buried his face against Obis’ neck. I don’t care. Let me have this God. Please let me have this. I’m so tired of being alone. He could count on the fingers of one hand those whom he loved, who loved him. Anamarria. His love for her was a father’s love, a deep visceral thing, as natural to him as breathing. He loved her. He would die for her. Her love for him had always been the one constant in his life. Devin Sawl. Once he had wanted to lie beside Devin in just the same way as he now lay beside Obis. He had long since realised that that would never happen, to forge different ties with the man who had become closer to him than a brother. Still love, but redefined by the events of the past into something less tangible. Not easy to define, his relationship with Devin Sawl but its strength was something that he would stake his life upon. Had staked his life upon. He closed his eyes briefly, seeing Ana’s fair, laughing face. Where were they now, she and Devin? No, best not to know. He opened his eyes to look at Obis. He stirred in his sleep, pressing against Brasis who felt his body tighten with desire once more. He smiled ruefully. At this rate, at his age, his desire could end up killing him before anything else had a chance. Outside his window the moon had disappeared, dropping out of sight behind the castle walls. A red moon, then but not yet a Blood Moon. Still time. Still time.
He dropped his hands to Obis’ body using them and his mouth to draw the other man back into wakefulness. Watched as the sleepy expression on his face changed to one of urgency, a hunger that matched his own. Whatever was to come he couldn’t regret this. After all. There were worse ways to die.

[timelord4]

Hi Ysabara

As usual, you build your characters with great strength and the story flows beautifully. Obis really isn't what he appears I'm thinking. And where's Brasis' daughter Ana? Mmm, the plot really is thickening.

There are two spelling mistakes but you'll find them once you do a re-read. Grammar's great and Chrispenycate is a whiz at picking any mistakes up in that department.

If you want to D, there's a place to introduce yourself (goodness knows, it took me ages to find, and then I missed it even after directions from Chris). General ~ Introductions. This landscape is so huge, and lots of places to visit and marvel at...or simply hang your hat.

[chrispenycate]

On his own wits, which he feared where growing less sharp with every passing hour.

"were" rather than "where"

The only three people who knew of the existence of this particular passageway were gone from the castle. Ana. God, Devin. Keep her safe. And Obis. Obi

He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping but something tugged at his consciousness pulling him back into wakefulness

comma after "consciousness"?

you are many things my Lord, but you are not cruel.

comma after "things"

You’re so deeply mired in secrets Brasis, it’s a wonder you can lift your head high enough to breathe.

comma after "secrets"

Are you Brasis?

comma after "you"

Admitted that he loved Obis.

Another question mark

I hurt you Obi.

comma after "you"

with you having a sharp implement in your hands Obi.

comma after "hands"

his body sated but his mind, as always restlessly pursuing consequences.

comma after "always"

Let me have this God.

comma after "this"

He had long since realised that that would never happen, to forge different ties with the man who had become closer to him than a brother.

"forged" rather than "to forge"?

Not easy to define, his relationship with Devin Sawl but its strength was something that he would stake his life upon.

comma after Sawl

After all. There were worse ways to die.

Why the full stop there?

It is possible you will come into contact with a fiercer grammarian than myself, who will complain about the fragments (eg."Another indication that his time was running out." However, I do this myself (consciously, with malice aforethought) so it wouldn't be over fair of me to complain. I will assume you know rhere they are (though I could point them out if necessary.

[Leisha]

So. That was that then. Brasis entered his rooms and stood, gazing numbly at the wall. He hadn’t realised how much it would hurt, cutting Obis loose. Or had he? Crossing to the window he opened the shutters and let the cold air wash over him. The moon was visible above the turrets; almost full now. And red. Blood red. The Blood Moon he had been dreading for nearly half his lifetime? Brasis turned from the window. He had spent almost thirty years preparing for this. Now there was nothing left to do but wait it out and pray.

There was wine on a table and he poured himself a glass, chugged [chugging. Also, that's not the correct verb to use. Perhaps "gulping" or "drinking"?] it down. Then another. And another. Foolish perhaps, to dull his senses when he would need every one of them to meet whatever was coming his way. He stripped off his clothing and prowled restlessly around his bedchamber checking the wards. The magic was sluggish and unresponsive. Another indication that his time was running out. For a half a thousand years [what about "five hundred years", then?] the magic had served the scions of Ilios, imbued within the castle itself. It was only outside the environs of Castle Ilios that it no longer functioned and Brasis had to rely on his own skills. On his own wits, which he feared where [were] growing less sharp with every passing hour.

With a growing sense of despair he wrestled the wards into submission. When he was satisfied that no one could broach them without his knowledge he turned his attention to the door that led into the secret ways, turning the seal upside down. [Perhaps putting a little more description about what he does to the wards would help here] Do not disturb. Brasis gave a grunt of laughter. The only three people who knew of the existence of this particular passageway were gone from the castle. Ana. God, Devin. [this makes it sound as if Devin is a god] Keep her safe. And Obis. Obi. Feeling weary beyond bearing Brasis fell face down on the bed, praying for sleep. For oblivion. It seemed that Garrion was still inclined to grant some of his prayers for he slid almost immediately into a deep, dreamless slumber.

He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping but something tugged at his consciousness [comma] pulling him back into wakefulness [When you read this sentence aloud, there's a repeat of -ness, which is slightly jarring.]. He still lay on his stomach, his head cradled on his arms. An icy trickle of tension slid down his spine and he turned his head. Obis lounged on the bed beside him, fully dressed, his long legs crossed at the ankles, his arms behind his head. He was gazing up at the canopy above the bed. When Brasis stirred he dropped his eyes to study him thoughtfully.

“You’re awake then?” he said quietly.

Brasis sat up, blinking in confusion. He cast out, seeking confirmation that the wards had been broached. How? But they remained unbroken, seething resentfully under his touch [I like this wording]. What could he assume from the fact that Obis Demariel [Perhaps you could reword this line; it's a little jarring (to me anyway). Maybe "How could Obis Demariel be here lying on his bed, when the magic had not prevented..."] was lying here on his bed and the magic had not prevented him from entering? Obis could have killed him whilst he slept. Would you Obi? Brasis could never bring himself to believe that, despite the evidence that his instincts these days were flawed.

Obis gave him a tight smile. “I thought you wouldn’t let me in,” he said.

So did I. [This is the wrong thought; by the way you've phrased it, it sounds as if Brasis believed he wouldn't let Obi in -- but that's not what he thought, is it? What he really thought was that Obi couldn't get in, not wouldn't get in. I assume you need something like "And I didn't" or even "That's what wards are for" here instead]

“What are you doing here, Obis? I thought I made my commands clear. You should be on your way to Rifaren.”

“You made yourself perfectly clear, your Grace. I doubt there was a person in the castle who didn’t grasp your meaning. It was unfortunate that you also had to reveal to the court something [which] I told you in confidence. Something so painful, so…” Obis stopped, swallowing hard. “That was cruel, Brasis. I thought you were fond of me, your Grace?”

He spat the word fond out as though it was a piece of rotten fruit that he had eaten. Drawing a deep breath he continued. “However, when I was clear headed enough to look objectively at tonight’s events I realised something. You are many things [comma] my Lord, but you are not cruel. I know there are things you can’t…won’t, [perhaps another ellipsis here instead of the comma] tell me. You’re so deeply mired in secrets Brasis, it’s a wonder you can lift your head high enough to breathe. I’ve never resented the fact that you didn’t trust me enough to share some of the burden.”

Brasis made a sound of protest but Obis wouldn’t let him speak.

“No, hear me out. I’ve been sitting out on the road for hours thinking about this. I’ve finally reached a conclusion. Do you want to hear it?”

Brasis nodded dumbly. [Doesn't sound like an action a Lord would do]

“You were trying to drive me away. That much was obvious. What was less obvious was why. Why did you send me away, Brasis? Something you dread is coming your way, isn’t it? This thing that you’ve been plotting and scheming against for years and you didn’t want me to be here when it comes [I'd perhaps change this line to "This thing that you’ve been plotting and scheming against for years -- you didn’t want me to be here when it comes, did you?"]. I asked myself why. Why you wouldn’t want me here beside you? [This isn't a question; it's rhetorical] I thought…I hoped maybe it was because you were fonder of me than you realised.” Obis uncrossed his arms and lowered them. One hand slipped down to find Brasis’ cold fingers and wrapped them in a firm, warm grip. Obis turned his head. His blue eyes looked hard into Brasis’. “Are you Brasis? More than fond?” His voice was low. It shook. “You know how I feel about you. I would die for you.”

“Don’t,” Brasis said brokenly. “Obi, don’t say that. I can’t…” he [I'd put the h in "he" as a capital letter] stared up into Obis’ face. I can’t what? Tell you that I love you? [Is it] Because I don’t? No, [full stop, not comma] Brasis shivered. Not because he didn’t love him, but just because he couldn’t. Twice in his life Brasis di Mizzio had told someone that he loved them and both times the consequences of that admission had almost broken him. Once to the scarred [scared? I think you're right with "scarred", but I'm just checking], traumatised boy he had taken from the slave pit at Akra. He and Devin Sawl had managed to construct a relationship from the ashes of that confession [comma]but even now, years later, there were still consequences reverberating through the close friendship, the trust that he and Devin had forged.

The other time, the first time, he had been little more than a boy. He had told a Queen that he loved her. Ysabara. The ramifications of that declaration had defined his life, his every action for the last thirty years. [It] Had led him here [comma] to this point in time. Lying beside this man who had come to mean more to him than he could bear.

I love you. The words trembled on his tongue but he couldn’t utter them. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Obis continued to watch him whilst the silence stretched out. Something broke in his expression and he dropped his eyes, releasing his hold on Brasis’ hand.

“So,” he said wearily [comma] and the pain in his voice broke something inside Brasis. The weight of all the grief, the secrets he had been carrying [comma] pressed down on him. Just for once, [no comma] he wanted to be selfish. [just a comma, not a full stop][/color] To have something for himself without worrying about the consequences.

He sat up, reached [reaching] for the other man. [Either a comma here and then an "and", or put "He" in front of the "Drew"] Drew him against his body and kissed him with a desperation that startled them both. When they broke apart he reached up and thumbed the smudges of exhaustion that lay beneath Obis’ eyes. [He] Dropped his hand lower and traced the shape of the faint smile on his mouth.

“So,” said Brasis. [no full stop; use a comma and a lowercase letter on "Why"] “Why don’t you get undressed so repeat of "so"] I can show you just how fond of you I really am.”

The smile widened. Obis swung his legs over the bed and leant down to pull off his boots. His hands were shaking as he tugged at his shirt, [no comma, and put an "and" here] dragged his breeches off. He lay back down beside Brasis.

“What about Staric?” he asked. There was a trace of hurt in his voice.

“Staric? That bull?” Brasis pulled Obis closer until they lay pressed together. He ran his hands over the younger man’s lean, lanky body. “Forgive me for that lapse, Obi?” he said huskily. “It was as painful an experience for me as it was for you.”

In his arms he felt Obis stiffen. “You think so?”

Brasis drew his head back. [He]Made himself meet the pain in Obis’ eyes. “I hurt you [comma] Obi. It seems that’s all I’m good for these days. Hurting those I love.” God, had he really said that? Admitted that he loved Obis. [question mark]

It seemed he had.

Obis rolled onto his back, [no comma, and put an "and" here] raised an arm to lie across his eyes. He drew an uneven breath. When he lowered his arm his eyes were suspiciously bright.

“Now that we’ve established that fact I want to make something clear to you. You won’t drive me away, Brasis. Whatever you have to face you’ll face it with me.” He gave a shaky grin. “I’m actually quite handy with a sword you know.’ [You've put the wrong quotation mark here]

Brasis’ own eyes felt tight. He kept his voice deceptively light. “I can only imagine what mayhem would arise with you having a sharp implement in your hands [comma] Obi. I pray [to] God it won’t ever come to that.” I won’t let it come to that. For now, it was enough that he wasn’t alone. When the time came he would ensure Obis’ safety.

Obis rolled back onto his side, [no comma, and put an "and" here] slid his hand down Brasis’ body. His fingers found what they were seeking and squeezed. Brasis gasped and arched against his hand.

“Now, your Grace. [just a comma] Let me show you exactly what I can do with a sharp implement in my hands.”



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Darn it! Chris has got there before me! Well, I'd only critted the first three quarters anyway.

As said, you seem pretty good with grammar and punctuation (just watch out for putting a comma where there should be just an "and"). You tell an interesting tale, though my only comment would be that your character's choice of bed partner may put certain strict, old-fashioned readers off.

But well done!

Edit: Oh, I've just noticed Chris' comment about a fiercer grammarian who dislikes fragments... *blushes* Did you mean me? I have, um, tried to fix them, haven't I?

I can't help it! Really I can't! (There, see, I wrote a fragment!)