A 1st chapter, just wondering how it reads.

[MissGuidedFee]

Hi this is a first draft chapter one, to a book I'm working on. If anyone can take the time to read it, I'd be really grateful. Even if its just to say if you liked it or not. It's not too long. Thanks!! (some swearing!)


The budgie’s trying to f*ck the plastic bird again. Budgies get sexually frustrated too I guess. Kayla thinks I’m sexually frustrated. If only she knew. I used to be obsessed with Kayla. On good days I still am. On bad days I’ll be chasing girls who are the complete opposite of her, eternally hoping it will end the obsessive thoughts. Of course it never does. It just makes me want her even more.
She comes to my house on a Thursday and a Sunday. Kayla knows I’m probably in love with her. She simply pretends to forget. It all started after we f*cked those three times. She would get sacked if anyone found out. That’s why we have to pretend it didn’t happen. That’s why it’s so easy for her to forget. Unlike me she doesn’t think about it much. She has things to fill her days with. Working, nail painting, drinking in the clubs. Unlike me she’s hardly ever alone.
I know that’s when she thinks about us, in those rare and tiny moments when she’s sitting all alone. She’s smoked her joint, she’s called her mum. She’s done her paperwork, she’s watched the news and she’s stopped thinking about the depressing reality of the f*cked up planet we’re living on. She knows we’re trapped, like the gnats that stick to the light bulbs. I’d loved to know what she thought about me but I’ve come to accept it’s one of those things I’ll never know the truth of.
I’m sitting with my head in a book when she comes to the door, trying to make it look like I haven’t been hanging around waiting on her all morning. I haven’t even read the book, hopefully she won’t ask me about it. I consider scrubbing the numbers off my hand before she has a chance to see them but it’s too late, she’s already in front of me, shaking her coat off.
‘What the f*ck is his problem?’ she’s referring to the budgie. He’s still attacking the yellow dummy bird, wings flapping energetically. A shower of yellow feathers fall to the floor.
‘He just wants a lady friend.’ I tell her. ‘You know, some one he can love forever.’
She frowns at me. ‘Oh, shut up.’
I decide to do what she says today. Maybe yesterday I would have told her to f*ck off, but yesterday I had one of the dreams. Today I feel like having fun with her. She has the prettiest laugh in the world. Maybe if I hear it, I won’t have one of the dreams tonight.
‘Taken your medication?’ she asks.
I nod.
‘Really?’
I nod again. She pulls out the drawer to check.
Still doesn’t trust me, after all this time. Ten months and sixteen days. That’s long enough to trust some one.
‘Huh. You’ve taken it.’ She’s peering at my pills. I’m watching her in my obedient silence, wondering when she’ll notice that I’m doing what she says. ‘That’s not like you.’
She marks things off in the black folder, the book of me, I call it. Sometimes the book of me leaves my house and she reads through it. Usually it stays here, taunting me with its white NHS sticker slapped across the front. A reminder that the civilised world thinks I’m crazy.
Kayla doesn’t think I’m crazy. She knows. Things happen to her too, things she can’t explain. I always knew Kayla was special, from the minute I saw her.
‘You had one of the dreams last night, didn’t you?’
I look up at her but I don’t answer.
‘Why else would you take your pills.’ she writes more notes in the book of me. I like watching her write with her silver pen. She looks so pretty and smart and it reminds me how intelligent she really is.
‘Are you gonna tell me about it?’ she puts down the folder. ‘What’s up? Why aren’t you talking?’
I take the pen from her hand and find a clean page inside the book of me.
You told me to shut up, I write.
She doesn’t smile but I know she wants to.
‘Okay, sorry. You can talk now. Tell me about the dream, please.’
I don’t want to do this. I’m really wishing I hadn’t decided to do as she says today. I should have known she’d know I had a dream. She always knows.
‘I think it’s a car accident this time.’
‘Okay. Did you see where?’
‘Yes, I saw the street. It was a hit and run.’
‘Really?’ I know what she’s thinking. The same thing I’ve been thinking ever since I had the dream. ‘Are you gonna go?’
‘I don’t know.’ I stare at the date I wrote on my hand last night. Kayla stares at it too. 12.04.12
‘That’s this weekend.’
‘I know.’
‘Well…let me know if you go.’ she stands up and gathers her things.
She doesn’t write anything about my dream in the book of me. She knows why it’s not a good idea to do that. When she reaches my front door she pauses.
‘You know,’ she says, ‘you could go. You could stop it.’
‘Yeah. Or I could go and watch another person die.’
I’ve seen too many people die in my life. Far too many. She knows this. That’s why she never pushes me to go.
‘It’s your choice,’ she says as she shuts the door behind her.
My choice. I didn’t f*cking want this choice. I never have. The budgie starts hammering against his lady friend again. I feel sorry for him, really I do. I mean, he can’t even have a wank. Sighing, I go to the bathroom and run my hand under the tap, scrubbing at the ink marks with soap until they‘re gone. It’s pointless, I’ll still remember the date but I feel I have to do it anyway. Another pointless action to fill up a space in my increasingly pointless life.

[chrispenycate]

like the gnats that stick to the light bulbs.

They aren't trapped they're cooked.

I’d loved to know what she thought about me but I’ve come to accept it’s one of those things I’ll never know the truth of.

I would have loved

and there's a "someone" in there that got split, but you don't really need me.

[Taft]

It's interesting. It tells enough, without giving too much away just yet.

One thing to be careful of.

Lots of people who write in first person become overindulgent in the character's thoughts. This tends to slow the story way down and kills the pacing. Make sure you avoid doing that as you proceed.

I like it so far.

[flynx]

Apart from the layout (no white space) I thought it was pretty damned good although it gave me certain expectations about the next page: More description or people and places, not quite so much dialogue, a bit more action.

I was expecting to back click when I first started reading but you caught me up and I only hoped that the next page wouldn't be more of the same.

I :heart: 'the book of me', I'm not overly fond of the swearing. Not that I'm bothered by swearing just that some of it seems misplaced somehow. The fact that the visitor swore fitted with how well she knew the 'client' so it's not a gender thing either.

Intriguing. The numbers becoming a date. Her guessing that the medication was because of a dream, all good stuff.

[MissGuidedFee]

thanks so much for the responses. chrispenycate, thank you for spotting those niggles, I'll revise them straight away. flynx and taft, your postitive comments are really encouraging, and i know about the easy trap of too much thought-talk when writing 1st person. Its something I'll keep an eye on, thankyou. Hopefully I will post more soon.