The Highlight Urpen Diaries

[Mark Robson]

Week 3 - I must stop counting the days. It's getting a bit tiresome.

Discovered a way to unnerve the big sister person today. Was laid on her lap enjoying a nice cuddle, but she just wouldn't sit still. It was most irritating. In the end I decided that enough was enough. Much as I like cuddles, I was a bit sick of the endless renditions of the songs from her Christmas Play. As I haven't quite mastered the art of speech yet, and my yells seem to have little effect on who holds me, I decided to use my other weapon. I concentrated hard and fired into my nappy 3 times in quick succession. Big sister could not get rid of me fast enough. Effect noted and stored for future use.

2200 - Am rapidly developing adult tendancies. Taking over the world is already in sight. The mother big person today accused me of having 'wandering hands' whilst I was feeding. I'm told this is an attribute of adult males, and that I take after the big stupid one in this regard! As I'm developing towards adulthood so fast, I estimate that I must be nearly ready to take over the world. Just a few more things to work out in order to establish my rule in the place called home first. A few more days should do it.

[Rane Longfox]

Originally Posted by Mark Urpen

Am currently looking at buying a house with more rooms so that I can have a dedicated study in which to write. As it happens, your part of the country is at the top of our list at the moment. There goes the neighbourhood!

Cool. Its a really nice part of the country Well, if you need any advice, don't hesitate to ask. Oh, and avoid Swindon

[LadyFel]

O Highliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...where aaaaaaaare youuuuuuuuu?

Come on, how did your first Christmas and New Year's Eve pass? Have the parents learnt any new tricks yet?

[Mark Robson]

Christmas Eve:

Damn it! I think that the big people are under the misapprehension that I'm some sort of super hero character. They've dressed me in a bizarre red and white suit with a stupid red and white hat that looks positively ridiculous! Don't they realise that I intend to take over the world by foul means, not fair? Apparently, tonight heralds some sort of celebration and they seem to think that it's terribly funny having me dressed up as if I'm going to take some major part in it. Well, they're wrong. I'll show them. I'll sleep for the whole night and not wake up under any circumstances.

Big sister is very excited. She keeps talking about someone called Santa who is supposed to be visiting via our chimney tonight. Now there's someone who needs his head examining! Big sister tried to tell the big people to leave out milk and cookies for him, and some carrots for his reindeer. The big stupid one pointed out that everyone leaves out milk and cookies, so they've put out mince pies and whisky instead. Also, along with the carrots for the reindeer, he suggested putting out some 'special' milk for Rudolf to help him keep his nose red. It came out of a brown bottle, which the mummy person seemed to be salivating over. Something called Baileys, I believe!

Home looks amazing at the moment. Sparkling tinsel everywhere, long lines of silver coloured bells all around the living room and loads of flashing lights around windows and along the outside of the house. Also, there's this huge incredible tree that seems to have sprouted and grown in our living room! The big people and big sister hung lots of red and silver globes from the branches and decorated it with lights and more tinsel. It's incredibly distracting. Especially the changing flashing sequences of the lights. I seem to be continually mesmerised by their patterns. I can't concentrate on anything. I should be plotting and scheming, but for some reason I end up laying back in my chair just staring in awe at its beauty.

[Mark Robson]

Christmas Day.

Ha! I slept for 8 hours straight last night. That will show the big people that I won't conform to their plans for me to be a super hero.

What's this? Oh, no! Damn! Damn! DAMN! It seems I've fallen into an elaborate trap. The big one's are repeatedly thanking me for the best Christmas present they could have had... a good night's sleep! The only good thing about this mistake is that I seem to be getting extra nice cuddles this morning.

Apparently the mad guy who big sister was expecting last night must have made an appearance. Aside from the fact that the whisky and mince pies had gone, along with Rudolf's special milk and most of the carrots, (the only one left looked well chewed) there are loads of colourful packages under the Christmas tree. Interesting. Now why would some idiot descend a narrow, sooty chimney to deliver a whole host of gifts from an assortment of family and friends with just a glass of whisky and a couple of Sainsbury's mince pies as reward? And just how did a reindeer get down that chimney, let alone back up again?

Am beginning to have my suspicions about who drank Rudolf's special milk. The hangover I'm suffering leads me to believe that the big one called Mummy must have drunk it when no one was looking. That would certainly explain why the milk from her milk machines tasted funny last night. It might also explain how I slept for so long, so easily. Boy, I bet Rudolf was pissed off to have struggled down that chimney for a couple of measly carrots!

Hey! Some of those packages are addressed to me. There's no holding big sister back today, though. She's ripping in to everything in sight. Still, she seems to be enjoying herself, so I suppose she can open the packages for me... what am I saying? I'm a cold, heartless villain, poised to take over the world! Why should I let her have anything of mine? Give me that here, big sister? Hmm. She doesn't seem to understand me. Note to self: Must learn to speak intelligibly as soon as possible.

So what have I got? Clothes. More clothes... useful and high in cute factor, but hardly the most useful weapons for taking over the world. Where are the high powered personal computers, the gadgets and gismos for power-mongering? Wait, what's this? It rattles. That's promising. Maybe it is a secret surveillance device, cunningly disguised as a baby toy... then again, maybe not. So, I got some cute clothes and a few toys. Well it's not much to work with, but it's a start, I suppose.

[Rane Longfox]

I stand and applaud in awe

[Mark Robson]

Boxing Day

Back to my normal tricks last night. Have discovered that while it is great fun forcing the big people to change my clothes at every opportunity, with just a little more effort, I can force them to change their own clothes as well! It's easy. I just gorge on milk, sucking it in as hard and fast as I can until I'm completely bloated, then I let rip with a single, dynamic, high on the Highlight Scale, burp before following through with a wet one. My range is improving rapidly. It's even more effective if I can let the milk brew for a little while in my stomach, because then it comes out as a wonderful mixture of liquid and lumpy white gunge. Managed four sets of my new clothes during the night, together with 3 sets of night clothes for the mummy person.

The only down side to this plan is that the big stupid one is showing some signs of intelligence. As soon as I finish feeding, he now leaps up and puts me up on his shoulder to 'wind' me. His methods are hardly conventional, but they are annoyingly effective. He does this silly sort of dance that he calls his 'wind dance'. It's very embarrassing - particularly during the day time when he adds the sound effects. Communication is getting higher on my priority list of things to learn. I desperately want to stop the humiliation of being carried around by a person who pretends to be a Red Indian dancing around a fire, chanting some unintelligible rubbish that he thinks sounds authentic! I have developed a suitable punishment for this ruination of my street cred, though, as if I reach down into the 'V' gap at the front of his dressing gown I can grab a good handful of chest hair. This changes his ululating chant from 'Red Indian' to 'strangled cat', which is most satisfying. So far, he hasn't found any countermeasure to this, as I can wriggle enough to keep both of his hands busy and the wriggling increases the volume and intensity of his discomfort. Another small step towards household domination.