Re-write of Noble Masque Chapter 4.

[Alcatraz]

Hi guys,

After a period of blankness, creativly speaking, I'm getting back to my WIP, and thought I would post a revised version of Noble Masques fourth chapter, with thanks to Chrispenycate and Leisha.




CHAPTER 4

Tobias Quinn knew, without any doubt, that his chest was about to explode. The pain was excruciating, and he was certain he would pass out at any moment, yet he knew that if he were to fail, he would most certainly die.

He closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply. His lungs rebelled, his dry throat rasped, and his heart pounded violently against his chest.

"Just a few yards more." he whispered through clenched teeth. A few more yards may well have been a million miles. He could run no further.

Falling, the last sound Toby heard was the creature’s voice, mocking and taunting, and although he didn’t understand the language, he understood the meaning. The chase was over.

Had Gregory’s plan worked, Tobias wondered?

Of course the plan worked. Gregory was Toby’s Merlin. His Gandalf. His mentor. His friend.

Yes the plan had been successful. Gregory could not, and would not let him down.

That was to be Tobias Quinn’s last conscious thought, as he fell to the ground.

The Nascosto stood proudly, gloating over the fallen prey at his feet. The boy had spirit, and, for a human had given good chase. Perhaps, if he was feeling generous, he would welcome the boy into the Nascosto fold, after feeding fully from him of course. Then again, he mused, he might just feed and let the boy die.

The Vampire reached down and with his long, talon fingers, grabbed Toby’s limp, exhausted body, and lifted him as a child would lift a rag-doll. The creature ran its tongue over the sharp teeth, sneered, and bent his mouth to Toby’s neck.

Disturbed by an invisible force, the Nascosto stopped, petrified. Slowly, and deliberately, he raised his head, sniffed the air, and silently mouthed a single word.

‘Stirgoi.’

“Put the boy down, Nascosto.” The man with the long, fine red hair ordered. His strong Ulster accent cutting the silence of the deserted street.

Gaius Proculus, the Roman Nascosto Lord hissed, and dropped Toby’s lifeless body to the ground. From the scents, and sounds, he knew he was outnumbered. He sensed, although he couldn’t see, that there were at least ten Stirgoi surrounding him in the shadows, and despite his own belief in the Nascosto superiority over Stirgoi, those were odds he was not willing to test.

Proculus’ keen senses picked up another, one who was not Stirgoi, but surely his senses must be wrong?

“Gregory?” Proculus whispered.

Gregory stepped out from the shadows, his hands tucked into the pockets of his long trench coat, his eyes showing the anxiety of having used Toby as bait to lure Proculus out of his nest.

“What’s the matter, Watcher?” Proculus hissed, “Are you afraid to face me alone, without your tame Stirgoi pets?”

Kearney, the Irish Stirgoi, enraged at this slur, lunged towards Proculus, baring his long canine teeth, “We are no-one’s pets, Nascosto,” he said drawing a Bren Ten pistol from a holster concealed under his tan coloured suede jacket.

Gregory turned to Kearney, and shook his head.

Proculus laughed, “Oh, how the Nascosto fear the great Gregory, yet here he is cowering under the protection of half-bloods. I recall hearing how you destroyed the Nascosto of Venice with a wave of your hand. Surely, that is now proven to be a myth?”

Gregory remained silent. A grin replaced the anxiousness which had prevailed on his face moments earlier. Slowly a slim hand was withdrawn from the pocket of the trench coat, a hand that was stretched out toward the Nascosto, beckoning, and commanding.

Proculus lurched forward, seized by an unseen force. A force that dragged him inexorably forward despite his best efforts, until Gregory’s outstretched hand was almost touching the Vampire’s chest.

Gregory clenched his hand into a tight fist, and Proculus fell to his knees, clutching his chest.

Slowly, Gregory opened his fist, motioned Proculus to rise, which he did, until he was held like a puppet hanging on invisible strings, his feet dangling inches from the ground.

Gregory leaned in close to Proculus, but not close enough for the Nacosto to be a threat, and in a voice colder than the first ice of winter said, “Never underestimate my abilities again. Do we understand each other, LordProculus?”

Gregory put his hand back in his pocket and moved away from Proculus, who promptly fell to his hands and knees.

“What do you want, Watcher?” asked Proculus, who gradually rose to his full height.

“Nascosto. The Hidden. An apt name. For decades we don’t see or hear from you, yet we now have reports of Nascosto activity occurring all over the World. I simply want to know why your breed are becoming so enthusiastically public?”

Proculus turned and stared at Toby, being lifted into a seated position by a tall Stirgoi woman, who appeared to be rather concerned about the young human.

Angered, Gregory lurched forward. Violently he grabbed Proculus by the throat, and hauled him from the ground. “Tobias Quinn is under my protection, Proculus. Do not test my patience, why are the Nascosto ignoring the Détente?”

Proculus hissed, as he tried to break free from Gregory’s vice-like grip.

Gregory stared into the blood-red eyes, sunk in the white, marbled face of Proculus, his own eyes turning as black as ebony. “Tell me what you know!” he shouted.

Proculus laughed as though he had not a care in the world. Here he was being throttled by a human, a Watcher nonetheless, and surrounded by his blood enemies, yet all he could do was laugh.

“We feed because we choose to, Watcher. Your Détente means nothing to us. We are our own masters, and we are not held to the whim of any who are not Nascosto.” Proculus replied.

Gregory released his grip, dropping Proculus to the ground, and put his hand back in his pocket, his eyes returning to their normal wizened form and colour.

“Mister Kearney, I thank you for your assistance this evening. Please pass on my regards and best wishes to Monsieur Benoit, and Mister Uchendo.” Gregory said to the Irish Stirgoi.

“No problem, Gregory. What do you want done with bat features over there?” Kearney asked, thumbing in the direction of the weakened Nascosto, who was once again on his knees.

“Would you be kind enough as to inter him securely for the time being, I may have some further questions for him in the near future.”

The female Stirgoi who was caring for Toby stood and removed a cell phone from her pocket. Speaking into the phone she walked towards Gregory and Kearney, past a weakened Proculus who was being led away, bound and guarded by three Stirgoi.

“Gregory, Monsieur Benoit wishes to speak to you.” She said passing the phone to Gregory, who reluctantly and disdainfully put the infernal contraption to his ear. He listened for a few moments and then asked the question which was burning in his mind.

“Are you sure it’s her, Hugo?”

Hugo Benoit must have replied in the affirmative, as Gregory nodded, “Hugo, it is important that she remains with Jacob and Anna until I can get there. We have just captured Gaius Proculus, so her life is in great danger. She needs the protection of your House, Hugo…Yes, I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Gregory handed the phone back to the female Stirgoi, “How is Tobias?” he asked, concerned.

“He needs rest and fluids. I’ve given him some water for the time being, but I think he’ll need to be checked out by a Doctor.”

“Mister Kearney, would you do me the favour of taking Tobias with you, and letting Doctor Hunter have a look at him. I’m concerned that I may have put too much onto my young friends shoulders this evening.”

Doctor Alistair Hunter had been a promising physician until he had been turned, against his will, by a renegade Stirgoi, and he had used the last three hundred years to study advances in human medicine, and make breakthroughs in both Nascosto and Stirgoi physiology as well. There was no-one Gregory trusted more as a Doctor to care for Tobias.

“Sure thing, Gregory. Are you not coming back to the House with us?”

“No. I have one last errand before I commit myself to this pursuit.”

Gregory turned and walked towards his young friend, who on seeing Gregory, smiled.

“Hey, Gregory,” he said weakly, “We got him, didn’t we?”

“Yes, Tobias, we got him.” Gregory replied smiling.

However, what Gregory wanted to know, was who had set the Nascosto free on the World again?

More importantly, he needed to know…

Why?

[Leisha]

Why thank you, kind sir! For that I'll even crit this piece too. It takes time, though, so be patient!

I don't know where Chris is lately; I haven't seen him for a few days... (Hope you're okay, Chris!)

[Leisha]

Sorry for the length of time this took; I was having tea!



Tobias Quinn knew, without any doubt, that his chest was about to explode [good hook]. The pain was excruciating, and he was certain he would pass out at any moment, [I'm inclined to put a full stop here instead] yet he knew that if he were to fail, he would most certainly die.

He closed his eyes, [no comma] and inhaled deeply. His lungs rebelled, his dry throat rasped, and his heart pounded violently [I'd pick a strong verb instead of a verb-adverb combination. Either just use the "pounded" you have, or perhaps "hammered"] against his chest.

"Just a few yards more. [comma, not full stop]" he whispered through clenched teeth. A few more yards may well have been a million miles. He could run no further.

Falling, the last sound Toby heard was the creature’s voice, mocking and taunting, and although he didn’t understand the language, he understood the meaning. The chase was over.

Had Gregory’s plan worked, Tobias wondered?

Of course the plan worked. Gregory was Toby’s Merlin. His Gandalf. His mentor. His friend.

Yes the plan had been successful. Gregory could not, and would not [to separate the parenthetic expression (i.e. info added into your sentence that could be safely omitted without losing the line's meaning) add a comma here; always separate off parenthetic expressions with both commas] let him down.

That was to be Tobias Quinn’s last conscious thought, [no comma] as he fell to the ground.

[You've now slipped into the Nacosto's point of view] The Nascosto stood proudly, gloating over the fallen prey at his feet. The boy had spirit, and, for a human [again, enclose your parenthetic expressions with both commas. So another comma here, please] had given good chase. Perhaps, if he was feeling generous, he would welcome the boy into the Nascosto fold, after feeding fully from him of course. Then again, he mused, he might just feed and let the boy die.

The Vampire reached down and [comma] with his long, talon fingers, grabbed Toby’s limp, exhausted [don't need two sets of two adjective in quick succession; you could take out "exhausted"] body, and lifted him as a child would lift [don't need the repeat of "lift"] a rag-doll. The creature ran its tongue over the sharp teeth [whose sharp teeth? When you put "the sharp teeth", they could be anybody's!], sneered, and bent his mouth to Toby’s neck.

Disturbed by an invisible force, the Nascosto stopped, petrified [perhaps rather than telling us it's "petrified", you could just put "it froze mid-bite" or something.]. Slowly, and deliberately, he raised his head, sniffed the air, and silently mouthed a single word.

‘Stirgoi.’

“Put the boy down, Nascosto. [comma, and lowercase letter for "The"]” The man with the long, fine red hair ordered. [just a comma] His strong Ulster accent cutting the silence of the deserted street.

Gaius Proculus, the Roman Nascosto Lord [again, enclose your additional info within two commas. So a comma is needed here] hissed, and dropped Toby’s lifeless body to the ground. From the scents, [no comma, since you're saying "because of this and this, this happened] and sounds, he knew he was outnumbered. He sensed, although he couldn’t see, that there were at least ten Stirgoi surrounding him in the shadows, and despite his own belief in the Nascosto superiority over Stirgoi, those were odds he was not willing to test.

Proculus’ keen senses picked up another, one who was not Stirgoi, [personal preference, but I'd separate off this parenthetic expression with two dashes, not commas, since the info seems quite intrusive to the sentence] but surely his senses must be wrong? [no question mark after rhetorical phrases such as "surely", "maybe", "perhaps" etc -- though odd times, on rare occasions, I've used a question mark here in my past critiques (and grammatically that's wrong!).]

“Gregory?” Proculus whispered.

Gregory stepped out from the shadows, his hands tucked into the pockets of his long trench coat, his eyes showing the anxiety of having used Toby as bait to lure Proculus out of his nest. [you've slipped into Gregory's point of view now]

“What’s the matter, Watcher?” Proculus hissed, [full stop. You know that already, don't you? You've put the next word as a capital.] “Are you afraid to face me alone, without your tame Stirgoi pets?”

Kearney, the Irish Stirgoi, enraged at this slur, lunged towards Proculus, baring his long canine teeth, [full stop] “We are no-one’s pets, Nascosto,” he said [comma] drawing a Bren Ten pistol from a holster concealed under his tan [hyphen] coloured suede jacket.

Gregory turned to Kearney, and shook his head.

Proculus laughed, [full stop] “Oh, how the Nascosto fear the great Gregory, yet here he is cowering under the protection of half-bloods. I recall hearing how you destroyed the Nascosto of Venice with a wave of your hand. Surely, [I'd leave off this comma] that is now proven to be a myth?”

Gregory remained silent. A grin replaced the anxiousness which had prevailed on his face moments earlier. Slowly a [his] slim hand [was withdrawn = withdrew] from the pocket of the [his] trench coat, a hand that [was stretched out = stretched] toward the Nascosto, beckoning, and [you can leave off the "and"] commanding.

Proculus lurched forward, seized by an unseen force. A force that dragged him inexorably forward despite his best efforts, until Gregory’s outstretched hand was almost touching the Vampire’s chest [intentional sentence fragment?].

Gregory clenched his hand into a tight fist, and Proculus fell to his knees, clutching his chest.

Slowly, Gregory opened his fist, motioned Proculus to rise, which he did, until he was held like a puppet hanging on invisible strings ["like a puppet on a string" is cliché. Can you think of a better simile?], his feet dangling inches from the ground.

Gregory leaned in close to Proculus, but not close enough for the Nacosto to be a threat, and in a voice colder than the first ice of winter [perhaps a comma] said, “Never underestimate my abilities again. Do we understand each other, Lord [space] Proculus?”

Gregory put his hand back in his pocket and moved away from Proculus, who promptly fell to [onto] his hands and knees.

“What do you want, Watcher?” asked Proculus, who gradually rose to his full height.

“Nascosto. The Hidden. An apt name. For decades we don’t see or hear from you, yet we now have reports of Nascosto activity occurring all over the World. I simply want to know why your breed are becoming so enthusiastically public?”

Proculus turned and stared at Toby, [who was] being lifted into a seated position by a tall Stirgoi woman, [perhaps make this into two sentences; i.e. The woman appeared...] who appeared to be rather concerned about the young human.

Angered, Gregory lurched forward. Violently [don't need this adverb. It's clear he's being violent by the fact that he's grabbing throats] he grabbed Proculus by the throat, [no comma] and hauled him from the ground. “Tobias Quinn is under my protection, Proculus. Do not test my patience, [full stop] why are the Nascosto ignoring the Détente?”

Proculus hissed, [no comma] as he tried to break free from Gregory’s vice-like grip.

Gregory stared into the blood-red [no hyphen] eyes, [no comma] [that was] sunk in the white, marbled [too many adjectives here] face of Proculus, his own eyes turning as black as ebony. “Tell me what you know!” he shouted.

Proculus laughed as though he had not a care in the world. Here he was being throttled by a human, a Watcher nonetheless [no less. Also, I'd separate off "a Watcher no less" with two hyphens, not commas], and surrounded by his blood enemies, yet all he could do was laugh.

“We feed because we choose to, Watcher. Your Détente means nothing to us. We are our own masters, and we are not held to the whim of any who are not Nascosto. [comma]” Proculus replied.

Gregory released his grip, dropping Proculus to the ground, and put his hand back in his pocket, his eyes returning to their normal wizened form and colour.

“Mister Kearney, I thank you for your assistance this evening. Please pass on my regards and best wishes to Monsieur Benoit, [no comma] and Mister Uchendo. [comma]” Gregory said to the Irish Stirgoi.

“No problem, Gregory. What do you want done with bat features over there?” Kearney asked, thumbing in the direction of the weakened Nascosto, who was once again on his knees.

“Would you be kind enough as to inter him securely for the time being, [question mark, or is it rhetorical?] I may have some further questions for him in the near future.”

The female Stirgoi who was caring for Toby stood and removed a cell phone from her pocket. Speaking into the phone she walked towards Gregory and Kearney, past a weakened Proculus who was being led away, bound and guarded by three Stirgoi.

“Gregory, Monsieur Benoit wishes to speak to you. [comma, and no capital after]” She said passing the phone to Gregory, who reluctantly and disdainfully [do you need both adverbs?] put the infernal contraption to his ear. He listened for a few moments and then asked the question which was burning in his mind.

“Are you sure it’s her, Hugo?”

Hugo Benoit must have replied in the affirmative, as Gregory nodded, [full stop] “Hugo, it is important that she remains with Jacob and Anna until I can get there. We have just captured Gaius Proculus, so her life is in great danger. She needs the protection of your House, Hugo… [space] Yes, I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Gregory handed the phone back to the female Stirgoi, “How is Tobias?” he asked, concerned [don't need to tell us he's concerned; you've just shown us by his speech].

“He needs rest and fluids. I’ve given him some water for the time being, but I think he’ll need to be checked out by a Doctor [no capital, unless it's a title like Doctor Thomas].”

“Mister Kearney, would you do me the favour of taking Tobias with you, and letting Doctor Hunter have a look at him. I’m concerned that I may have put too much onto my young friends [friend's] shoulders this evening.”

Doctor Alistair Hunter had been a promising physician until he had been turned, against his will, by a renegade Stirgoi, and he had used the last three hundred years to study advances in human medicine, [remove comma] and make breakthroughs in both Nascosto and Stirgoi physiology as well. There was no-one Gregory trusted more as a Doctor [no capital] to care for Tobias.

“Sure thing, Gregory. Are you not coming back to the House with us?”

“No. I have one last errand before I commit myself to this pursuit.”

Gregory turned and walked towards his young friend, who [comma] on seeing Gregory, smiled.

“Hey, Gregory,” he said weakly, [full stop] “We got him, didn’t we?”

“Yes, Tobias, we got him. [comma] ” Gregory replied smiling.

However, what Gregory wanted to know, [no comma] was who had set the Nascosto free on the World again?

More importantly, he needed to know…

Why?

-----------------------------------------

You need to be careful of swapping POV without giving a couple of line breaks to show the change in view. Also, you write a lot of unneeded adjectives (and some adverbs), which can be cut with no loss on meaning. Another point I noticed: you tend to use a couple of conjunctions (words like while, and, but, as, for etc.) in each sentence. Sometimes, rather than this, just separating your sentence into two lines will suffice and clear up meaning and confusion.

However, this piece has improved. Well done! I much prefer it.

Hope I've helped!

[Alcatraz]

Leisha,

Thanks for the re-crit. You're a star.

It's basics. You wouldn't think I picked up an A for my English Higher when I was at Secondary School. Granted I left school in 1988, but surely I haven't forgotten so much.

Ta, again.

John

[Leisha]

You're welcome! There's a very good site that might help you with the basics -- Using Commas -- and it covers all manner of things. Also, as I've said to others, buying a copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style wouldn't hurt either.

Oh, and this site is useful (though basic) too: Punctuation Made Simple: Overview