How not to garden

[AphroditeMSC]

I took this from my blog for today; I was doing the gardening today and yesterday and just felt like I had to share my safari experience.


How not to garden:

Let the grass grow until it reaches hip height and then go at it hell for leather with a strimmer.
Do it in the unpredictable period where it's raining one minute and dry as a bone the next.
Do have weeds higher than your head; this will be explained later.
Do get chased out of your own shed by a rogue spider who claimed the territory for his own, when all you wanted was an extension lead.
Do find said extension lead now growing as part of the garden in the middle of going at it hell for leather with a strimmer.
Do wait forever at a neighbour's door while they get a non-spidery extension lead.
Do leave last year's swimming pool and bouncy castle out all winter so that you have attractive blank spots on your "lawn" covered in slugs.
Do not take regular breaks; your arms may fall off and this is a good excuse not to do the rest.
Do find the garden hose that you had hoped to wash spiders away from your windowcills with also growing as part of the garden. It is now an attractive feature of your garden; you must strim around it.
Any attempts to remove the hose from its place will result in pulling up most of the grass.
Do forget to cut your old carpet up into strips before you dump it behind the shed. You will attract all sorts of "wildlife" this is new age gardening. Good for the environment. You must also leave said carpet there forever; it's too damn icky now to touch.
Do let one of your exes steal a great, big, light-up Miller sign from a pub and dump it with the carpet; the "wildlife" might appreciate it.
If approached by a spider in the garden, or indeed several billion of them. Do let them crawl all over your trainers. Do not attempt to crush them. This will bring you bad luck.
Do however practice your strimming abilities and cut them down in their tracks.
Do put the strimmer near your feet; you'll be spending the weekend in emergency but
the spiders will die.
The taller-than-you weeds are now all that should be left in your garden. Do try to cut them down with the strimmer. The wire will break and you'll be left with fabulous stumps that will grow faster than the grass.

You have completed your garden.
Set the house on fire and enjoy.