Smart Answers

[Who's Wee Dug]

SMART ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What
are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


SMART ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant
replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby
said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it... Cars are backed up for miles...
Finally, a police car comes up...
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,

"Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"


SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-a*sed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"


The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!

[Lenny]

You know, I think I've solved the question of who it is who populates all of these joke sites with jokes - it's you, isn't it?

Great selection, as ever. Maybe we should appoint you to "Site Jester"?

[Who's Wee Dug]

NOT GUILTY! me lud

This latest one was sent to me by a friend,and I am just trying to spread a little joy, laughter is good and if they make people smile,snigger,or laugh.

[Lenny]

Seeing as we're partly on the subject of airlines - ever seen the Qantas Pilot Gripes? Some of those are rather amusing.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right wing.
Engineer: Evidence removed.

Methinks I'll find them and post them.

[Quokka]

Please do Lenny, i love the one where a pilot asks what he should do if he misses the runway turn off and gets told to go out the gate, turn right at the lights etc...

[scalem X]

Seeing as we're partly on the subject of airlines - ever seen the Qantas Pilot Gripes? Some of those are rather amusing.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right wing.
Engineer: Evidence removed.

Methinks I'll find them and post them.

Somewhere in an old thread in this section these are already on this site.
aha!

[Lenny]

Typical. You think of something to post to amuse the masses, and find that you're a year and a half late.

[zorcarepublic]

Timing is always crucial in joke-telling, unfortunately, Lenny. You've got to work on that aspect of your performance, methinks...

[pyan]

Originally Posted by Rane

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Just brilliant!

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by zorcarepublic

Timing is always crucial in joke-telling, unfortunately, Lenny. You've got to work on that aspect of your performance, methinks...

Actually, I've been told by quite a few people that I'm rather good at telling jokes. Especially on the timing front - I've been known to keep a particular joke going for over half an hour.

[HoopyFrood]

That 'particular' joke hurt me, Lenny. Physically hurt me!

[Lenny]

Physically hurts me, too, you know.

But it's great to tell it and really drag it out. Get a nice crowd around, be really animated when telling it, get to the puncline... and run, lest someone takes it too literally.

[scalem X]

actually we have an equal sort of Joke in Belgium, but it's hard to tell it online/written. If you ever hear a belgian joke that starts with:
"A small fish swims towards a whale and stops at 1 Km and says: hi whale."
then run, seriously run!!!!!