Lendoren's Lesson

[Trosh Bogre]

My second little bit. I'm trying a different voice, hopefully more comfortable for me.


You guys are great, by the way.

edit: having a hard time with formatting in this forum. It's on my blog, too.
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Lendoren's Lesson

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting with Master Abram, in the study upstairs. After three long winters of cleaning, cooking and yard work I had just begun my formal training of magic and this was my very first lesson.


It started very simple, Master Abram instructed me to gaze upon three stones he had set on the table between us. After looking them over for a moment, he asked me to describe them to him.


“There are three round stones; one has been painted white with three blue stars, the second is black, or I guess not painted at all aside from a red triangle in the center. The third is painted solid yellow.”


“Very good. Something you saw about the stones. Now tell me something about the stones that is not what you see.”


“That is not what I see?”


“Yes.”


“Uhm…” I was confused and paused, drawing a blank.


“Come now, you are a bright boy,” Master Abram said, “You could SEE the colors, use another sense.”


I had a notion where he was going, so I reached across and touched the stones one at a time and proudly announced, “They are not any warmer or cooler than this room.”


Master Abram smiled, “Good, you are thinking. Keep going now, tell me something else.”


“I don’t understand.”


“I’ll give you a nudge in the right direction,” he said, “I want you to use up all of the senses you think you have, so I can show you the one you have forgotten.”


“The sense I have forgotten?”


“Precisely. You can see the stones. You ran your fingers across them and felt the stones. You could pick them up and smell the stones if you wished. Those are basic ways that you can sense the stones. I want you to tell me something else about the stones, which you cannot see, touch, smell, hear or taste.”


I stopped for a moment. He wanted me to tell him something about the stones that I couldn’t sense. I smiled and said, “The stones belong to you.”

“Wonderful! You choose a fine day to be thinking, young man.” Master Abram looked at me for a moment more and continued, “That was very good, you told me something that you knew of the stones and that was what none of your senses told you.

“What I would like you to do now is concentrate on the stones and let your eyes relax. Do not try and look closely at them, and do not try and lose focus on them. Just look at them and relax.”

I did as I was told and took a deep breath. Looking at the stones I found myself noticing many more details than I had noticed before. There were faint brush strokes in the yellow stone, and there was a small smudge of blue near one of the stars on the white stone.

Master Abram slowly waved his hand across the stones and softly asked, “Which of the stones have I cast a spell upon?”

I could not tell. “How do I tell?”

“Open your mind to your surroundings. Use all of your senses at once and take nothing for granted in this room. This is your first lesson, Lendoren, to re-awaken your senses and open once again your inner vision, your mage sight.

“All around this room, take in the light and shadows. With all of your senses awake the shadows will deepen and light will shine brighter. You will hear the flicker of the candle and sense the magic of the stone.”

At that moment I felt something give. It was a tugging at my heart, like longing for a far away friend. Something inside me gave way and as I looked upon the stones they came alive. It was amazing and at the same time frightening. The stones seemed to be covered in writhing colors and rippling like the surface of a lake. The stones appeared to almost quiver while bright colors danced over their surface. I was drawn into them.

“Tell me Lendoren, what do you see?”

I felt like I was in a dream, my head light and I turned my gaze towards Master Abram. The room was darker somehow, almost blurred. Everything else in the room was insignificant and dull. The table and chairs were there but seemed somehow pale and cold. As my eyes moved across the room I noticed everything held a similar pallor. But the stones…

When my eyes finally reached Master Abram I felt something else. I had barely met his gaze when there was a bright burst of light. It was as if I were looking into a rising sun. I lifted my arm to shield my eyes and let out a gasp.

In an instant it was over. The room was back to normal. Master Abram was there, not shining like an angel, just himself. He was looking at me with a broad smile, his eyes as wide as I had seen them in ages.

“Well?” he chuckled, “How was that for day one?”

[Leisha]

Lendoren's Lesson

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting with Master Abram, [remove comma] in the study upstairs. After three long winters of cleaning, cooking and yard work [comma] I had just begun my formal training of magic and this was my very first lesson.


It started very simple, [full stop or semicolon. I'd opt for the semicolon] Master Abram instructed me to gaze upon three stones he had set on the table between us. After looking them over for a moment, he asked me to describe them to him.


“There [would it be "they", not "there", since he already knows there are three stones there?] are three round stones; [I'd use a colon, since the next three things are a list. Of course, Crispen might correct me!] one has been painted white [comma, or else it was painted with the blue stars, not a paintbrush!] with three blue stars, [if you used a colon earlier, this would now be a semicolon] the second is black, or I guess not painted at all [comma] aside from a red triangle in the center. [also a semicolon, to complete the list] The third is painted solid [is "solid" the correct adjective? Do you even need one here? Really? Isn't "painted" actually all you need? If you do need to use adjectives, always use the best possible one in your sentence] yellow.”


“Very good. [That's] Something you saw about the stones. Now tell me something about [the stones = to avoid repeating this, use "them". Also, repeat of "about" and "something". Perhaps you could use "concerning" or "regarding"] that is not what you see.”


“That is not what I see?”


“Yes.”


“Uhm…” I was confused and [this is telling, not showing. It's already clear from the previous couple of lines that he's confused. All you need is something like '"Umm..." My mind was blank.' Then, if you hadn't worked out by now that he's confused, it affirms it, without stating "he's confused".] paused, drawing a blank.


“Come now, you are a bright boy,” Master Abram said, [Full stop since you've capitalised the next word] “You could SEE [rather than uppercase, try just italicising; it's less obtrusive on a page] the colors, [full stop] use another sense.”


I had a notion where he was going, so I reached across and touched the stones one at a time and [I'd go for ", then", since he reaches out and then speaks] proudly announced, “They are not any warmer or cooler than this room.”


Master Abram smiled, [full stop] “Good, you are thinking. Keep going now, tell me something else.”


“I don’t understand.”


“I’ll give you a nudge in the right direction,” he said, [full stop, since the last sentence was complete] “I want you to use up [remove "up"] all of the senses ["all of the senses" = "every sense"] you think [remove "you think", since nobody 'thinks' they have senses, they know it] you have, so I can show you the one you have forgotten.”


“The sense I have forgotten?”


“Precisely. You can see the stones. You ran your fingers across them and felt the stones. You could pick them up and smell the stones if you wished. Those are basic ways that you can sense the stones. I want you to tell me something else about the stones, [something] which [if you used "something", now remove the "which" here] you cannot see, touch, smell, hear or taste.”


I stopped for a moment. He wanted me to tell him something about the stones that I couldn’t sense. I smiled and said, “The stones belong to you.”

“Wonderful! You choose a fine day to be thinking, young man.” Master Abram looked at me for a moment more and continued, “That was very good, [semicolon or full stop] you told me something that [the "that" is unnecessary] you knew of the stones and that was what none of your senses told you [this sentence reads a bit clunky. Perhaps "Without using your senses, you identified a unknown property of the stones." Can I just add, though, that I think he did use his senses: his eyes saw the stones, and also, from seeing that, he knew they were the man's stones. Without his sight he wouldn't have known what was in front of him. Also, though intelligence may not be a sense, he did use logic to work out who owned the stones, not some special power.]

“What I would like you to do now is concentrate on the stones and let your eyes relax. Do not try and [to] look closely at them, and do not try and [to] lose focus on them [repeat of "them". Personally I'd remove the "on them"]. Just look at them and relax.”

I did as I was told and took a deep breath. Looking at the stones I found myself noticing many more details than I had noticed ["noticed" is unneeded. Also, it's a repeat word. Watch out for repeats -- they always sneak in!] before. There were faint brush strokes in the yellow stone, and there was a small smudge of blue near one of the stars on the white stone.

Master Abram slowly waved his hand across the stones and softly asked, “Which of the stones have I cast a spell upon?”

I could not tell. “How do I tell?” [repeat of "tell". Perhaps "decide"?]

“Open your mind to your surroundings. Use all of your senses at once and take nothing for granted in this room. This is your first lesson, Lendoren, to re-awaken your senses and open once [repeat of "once"] again your inner vision, your mage sight. [to make this sentence sound better, I'd swap the "open" to after "once again". And perhaps change the first "at once" to "together"]

“All around this room, take in the light and shadows. With all of your senses awake [I stumbled at this line. Perhaps a comma here would make its meaning clearer] the shadows will deepen and light will shine brighter. You will hear the flicker of the candle and sense the magic of the stone.”

At that moment I felt something give. It was a tugging at my heart, like longing for a far away friend [nice simile!]. Something inside me ["me" is unneeded] gave way and [perhaps a comma] as I looked upon the stones [also a comma] they came alive. It was amazing and at the same time frightening. The stones seemed to be covered in writhing colors and rippling like the surface of a lake. The stones appeared to almost quiver while bright colors danced over their surface. I was drawn into them.

“Tell me Lendoren, what do you see?”

I felt like I was in a dream, my head light [comma] and I turned my gaze towards Master Abram. The room was darker somehow, almost blurred. Everything else in the room was insignificant and dull. The table and chairs were there [comma] but seemed somehow [repeat of "somehow". Perhaps "in some way"] pale and cold. As my eyes moved across the room I noticed everything held a similar pallor. But the stones…

When my eyes finally reached Master Abram [comma] I felt something else. I had barely met his gaze when [perhaps you could add "suddenly" here, or else it sounds as though their eyes only met when there was a light] there was a bright burst of light. It was as if I were [was] looking into a rising sun. I lifted my arm to shield my eyes and let out a gasp.

In an instant it was over. The room was back to normal. Master Abram was there, not shining like an angel, just himself. He was looking at me with a broad smile, his eyes as wide as [perhaps instead of "as wide as", use "wider than"] I had seen them in ages.

“Well?” he chuckled, [full stop. Some people would also argue that people can't actually "chuckle" anything; they can only "say" words. In that sense, how about, "he said"?] “How was that for day one?”




Okay, I like the whole learning to use magic thing, so that's a good start. Just a word of advice (feel free to ignore me!): You need to watch out for excess wordage, repeats of words, and unneeded adjectives and adverbs (for help with these last two, you could look at this thread).

Another helpful hint (I hope) is to use contractions in speech. Most people say "it's" instead of "it is", or "don't" instead of "do not", "I've" instead of "I have", etc. It just gives the speech a more authentic flavour. Then again, you might have characters that don't speak as we do...

And don't worry about formatting -- every poster has the same trouble. That's why it's worth putting an extra line space at the end of each paragraph, then also go through and add your italics back in once the work is pasted into the message box here. It's always annoying though, isn't it?

But keep at it and keep persevering, that's what I've learnt! And the people on this forum will help you no end.

[chrispenycate]

Of course, Crispen might correct me!

Would I ever contradict you? even if you need to look up the difference between "hyphen" and "dash" (not this thread, no)

Right then, I will

It was as if I were [was] looking into a rising sun.

The "if I were" here is subjunctive mood, and even if few still use it (and I wouldn't correct someone who used "was") it is grammatically correct (and I am one of the few who would)

as I looked upon the stones they came alive. It was amazing and at the same time frightening. The stones seemed to be covered in writhing colors and rippling like the surface of a lake. The stones appeared to almost quiver while bright colors danced over their surface. I was drawn into them.

This probably falls in the general "repetition" bag but I'd point out that the English language is the richest in the world in synonyms; it is nearly always possible to find an alternative word for any given object and frequently, in doing so, you give more information about the object than by repeating the same word.

[Dafydd Cymraeg]

Hi Troshe, nice piece, had me hooked from the fourth sentence.

The style was good for me and easy reading - just what I like. A couple of contradictions though, seeing as you've asked for comment, but they didn't leap out at me while I was reading - only afterwards...

“All around this room, take in the light and shadows. With all of your senses awake the shadows will deepen and light will shine brighter.

...

The room was darker somehow, almost blurred. Everything else in the room was insignificant and dull. The table and chairs were there but seemed somehow pale and cold.

What happened to the light shining brighter?

Also, Lendoren never answered the question about which stone had a spell cast on it. And, from the description, all the stones glowed, not just one.

[Leisha]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

Would I ever contradict you? even if you need to look up the difference between "hyphen" and "dash" (not this thread, no)

No, I'd noticed too late that I'd written "dash" in a couple of places, when it should have been "hyphen" -- but by then I couldn't edit it. I was hoping no one would notice. Hmm ... couldn't slip them past you, no...
I'll blame it on my CFS...

The "if I were" here is subjunctive mood, and even if few still use it (and I wouldn't correct someone who used "was") it is grammatically correct (and I am one of the few who would)

I'd written "were" all throughout my 560-page manuscript, but then, after reading that some people prefer "was" in those instances, I changed them all (well, I've probably missed a couple). So you're not the only one!

This probably falls in the general "repetition" bag but I'd point out that the English language is the richest in the world in synonyms; it is nearly always possible to find an alternative word for any given object and frequently, in doing so, you give more information about the object than by repeating the same word.

In fact, if you use Microsoft Word, right click on a word, then go to "Synonyms". In most cases they'll have a list of alternates.


Oh, and if you ever want to contradict me, Chrispen, please, go ahead. That's how we learn. After all, you've got the certificate, so I'll always listen to your advice. In fact, I've already learnt a couple of things from reading your critiques.

And besides, I'm not infallible; I make mistakes too.

[Trosh Bogre]

Thanks for the comments.

I really think this "voice" works better for me, that the Wodor Curse. I seem to keep things in order, or at least in my head they are in order. Which is scary. For me.

I should go to slepp.