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| Humour General playroom for all humour and jokes. |
13th April 2007, 09:16 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Mod of Awesome  Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Oregon
Posts: 3,724
| courtroom funnies My friend sent these to me. These are so funny, I about wet myself. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY : When is your birthday? WITNESS : July 18th. ATTORNEY :What year? WITNESS : Every year. ____________________ ________________ ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________ _________________ ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS : I forget. ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________ _______________ ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you? WITNESS : Forty-five years. ____________________ _________________ ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active? WITNESS : No, I just lie there. ____________________ ____________________ _____ ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you? WITNESS : My name is Susan. ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS : We both do. ATTORNEY : Voodoo? WITNESS : We do. ATTORNEY : You do? WITNESS : Yes, voodoo. ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________ _______________ ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he? WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one. ____________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS : Would you repeat the question? ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS : Uh.... ____________________ _________________ ATTORNEY : She had three children, right? WITNESS : Yes. ATTORNEY : How many were boys? WITNESS : None. ATTORNEY : Were there any girls? ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS : By death. ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated? ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual? WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female? ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY :ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS :Oral. ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________ __________________ ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS : Huh? ____________________ __________________ As for the last!!! ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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14th April 2007, 01:14 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| I ate all the turkey....  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: City of Glasgow
Posts: 165
| Re: courtroom funnies Yep, seen those before as well. The last one really cracks me up. As I have been a professional witness I love it when the opposition try and set you up for the 'killer' question. In one example I was being asked a long and fairly involved question that finished with me answering 'Yes' This totally flumoxed the opposition as I was supposed to answer 'no' but he hadn't asked the question the right way. Total confusion on opposite side and we won. |
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