The start..

[daisybee]

Sarah knew that something was wrong. It was an odd sensation, a flutter in her chest, an itch in her bones that she couldn’t ignore. She knew that Aleka needed her.

The feeling had begun at sunset, when Aleka had not returned across the Bridge. Sarah chewed an already badly treated thumb nail, wondering what to do. Aleka had stayed in the City of Echoes overnight many times- special functions, parties thrown at the last minute happened all the time in the glamorous homes of the First Citizens, yet Sarah struggled with the nagging sensation tugging at her thoughts.

The awful emptiness in her stomach was spreading, permeating her limbs with a strange lethargy that was alien and terrifying. The need for physical activity crawled along her muscles, causing nerves she didn’t know she had to stretch and jump.

In her twenty one years, Sarah had experienced two previous episodes of emotional overload. Once at the age of 9, when her parents had flung themselves from the Bridge, she had been overwhelmed by the urge to cry, her heart heavy and throat full. The second had been on Aleka's first day as a Chosen.

The moment she had seen the two red marks on their door, and the folded uniform on the doorstep, her stomach had plunged and a thousand worries had almost drowned her in a sea of anxiety. Yet she had swallowed her fear and dressed her sister in her new uniform, taking care to polish each button until it shone, and press the fabric until it stood stiff against her sister’s body. Then, on shaky legs she had lead her younger sister in the pale predawn light to the Gates, and stood in line, left palm outstretched waiting for the bells to ring.

Aleka’s dark eyes had shone with excitement and pride that she had been Chosen. To Sarah’s shame, she had wanted to scream at her sister, shake her until her expression was as blank as the rest of the grey faces that stood in line. The bubble of hysteria had died quickly in her throat though, the words of warning washed away on a tide of apathy as they so often were.

As the suns first rays had struck the tower and the bells pealed however, Sarah had suddenly clutched Aleka’s hand, a feeling of dread so fierce and primal surging through her that her body had shuddered from its force. Aleka had stared at her in confusion and for a moment, Sarah’s mind had begun to topple, as thoughts and words rushed to the surface desperate to escape.

“Aleka,” she had whispered urgently, “You must”- and then the Hangman at the Gate had been in front of them and the words died along with any memory of what they may have been. Chastened with a look, Sarah had bowed her head in submission, her palm marked, her feet treading the familiar path across the Bridge, leaving her sister to face the new experience alone.

Now, her insides were twisted and Sarah knew that the saying was true. Thrice the keeper. Her feelings were flooding her, and she couldn’t stop them. They were roaring through her veins, pouring into all the empty voids that existed inside. The fear for her sister’s safety was no longer just a notion, but a tangible snake writhing in her gut demanding action. Squeezing her eyes shut, Sarah fought the tide of nausea that crawled up her throat, and tried desperately to clutch at a thought or an image to anchor her chaotic thoughts.

An image formed with perfect clarity in Sarah’s minds eye, and the instant it did, an expression of determination settled upon her pale features. Of-course, she realised- Ethie would know if Aleka was alright, if she was safe.

Any feedback welcomed, as I am revising a large chunk of writing
at the minute, and it is a lot harder than I thought! Cheers

[PenDragon]

Will take a look soon Daisybee.

[daisybee]

Originally Posted by PenDragon

Will take a look soon Daisybee.

Cheers! Be brutal if you must, I've written a lot of this and any improvements/criticisms would be gratefully appreciated.

[Leisha]

Sarah knew that something was wrong. It was an odd sensation, a flutter in her chest, an itch in her bones that she couldn’t ignore. She knew that Aleka needed her.

The feeling had begun at sunset, when Aleka had not returned across the Bridge. Sarah chewed an [her] already badly treated [badly-treated ... could it be "bitten" instead? – that way there's no adverb] thumb nail, wondering what to do. Aleka had stayed in the City of Echoes overnight many times- [if it's a dash you want, use a space, then two hyphens, then another space. However, in this case I think you need the word "for" in place of the hyphen you've used] special functions, [semi-colon, not a comma] parties thrown at the last minute happened all the time in the glamorous homes of the First Citizens, [full stop, not comma] yet [still] Sarah struggled with the nagging sensation tugging at her thoughts.

The awful emptiness in her stomach was spreading, permeating her limbs with a strange lethargy that was alien and terrifying. The need for physical activity crawled along her muscles, causing nerves she didn’t know she had to stretch and jump.

In her twenty one years, Sarah had experienced two previous episodes of emotional overload. [you could use a colon here, instead of the full stop] Once at the age of 9, when her parents had flung themselves from the Bridge, [semi-colon, not comma] she had been overwhelmed by the urge to cry, her heart heavy and throat full. The second had been on Aleka's first day as a Chosen.

The moment she had seen the two red marks on their door, [remove comma] and the folded uniform on the doorstep, her stomach had plunged and a thousand worries had almost drowned her in a sea of anxiety. Yet she had swallowed her fear and dressed her sister in her new uniform, taking care to polish each button until it shone, [I think you could remove the comma] and press the fabric until it stood stiff against her sister’s body. Then, on shaky legs she had lead her younger sister in the pale predawn light to the Gates, [possibly rearrange this sentence to "Then in the pale predawn light she had led her sister to the Gates"] and stood in line, left palm outstretched [comma] waiting for the bells to ring.

Aleka’s dark eyes had shone with excitement and pride that she had been Chosen. To Sarah’s shame, she had wanted to scream at her sister, shake her until her expression was as blank as the rest of the grey faces that stood in line. The bubble of hysteria had died quickly in her throat though, the words of warning washed away on a tide of apathy [comma] as they so often were.

As the suns [sun's] first rays had struck the tower [comma] and the bells pealed however [remove "however"], Sarah had suddenly clutched Aleka’s hand, a feeling of dread so fierce and primal surging through her that her body had shuddered from its force. Aleka had stared at her in confusion [comma] and for a moment, [some people would remove this comma. Personally, I'm undecided] Sarah’s mind had begun to topple, as thoughts and words rushed to the surface [comma] desperate to escape.

“Aleka,” she had whispered urgently, “You must”- [two hyphens mean a dash, and the dash should be inside the quotation mark, since it shows the speech is interrupted] and then the Hangman at the Gate had been in front of them and the words died [comma] along with any memory of what they may have been. Chastened with a look, Sarah had bowed her head in submission [careful not to use too many telling words; remember to show things instead], her palm marked, her feet treading the familiar path across the Bridge, leaving her sister to face the new experience alone.

Now, [remove comma] her insides were twisted [comma] and Sarah knew that the saying was true [colon, not full stop]. Thrice the keeper. Her [remove "Her"] feelings were flooding her, [you could remove the comma and the "and" and replace with a semi-colon instead] and she couldn’t stop them. They were roaring through her veins, pouring into all the empty voids that existed inside. The fear for her sister’s safety was no longer just a notion, but a tangible snake writhing in her gut [hmmm ... possibly a comma?] demanding action. Squeezing her eyes shut, Sarah fought the tide of nausea that crawled up her throat, and tried desperately to clutch at a thought or an image to anchor her chaotic thoughts.

An image formed with perfect clarity in Sarah’s minds eye [mind's eye. This sentence sounds a bit cklunky. Perhaps you could put "In her mind's eye an image formed with perfect clarity"], and the instant it did, an expression of determination [This is telling. Show it instead by her face hardening or something] settled upon her pale [unneeded adjective] features. Of-course [no hyphen], she realised- [no hyphen; should be a comma] Ethie would know if Aleka was alright, if she was safe.



Overall I enjoyed the story. I want to know more about the Gates, her sister, her parents, and her, which is good! Well done. Other than a few gramatical errors, I like this work. Well done, you hooked me!

[daisybee]

Thanks Leisha! I will put your points to use in my "real" version-phew-that's the stuff I need help with so gratefully received! Is it pointless to post a revised version? Don't want to bore with repeats! Thanks for your warm words of encouragement too-will now write more! (Got at least ten chapters-but lots of work still needed!).Will be back later

[Leisha]

If you want to post a revised version, go ahead. I'm sure others will give you their comments on it -- and Chrispenycate might even help you with more grammar, since he's the one with the certificate, not me!

As said, good luck and keep going! Next thing you know it'll be finished, and then there's nothing so great as the feeling of achievement!

[HappyHippo]

I don't crit on grammar, as I can't, but on content, I agree with Leisha, you've hooked me! Nicely done *applause*

[daisybee]

Originally Posted by HappyHippo

I don't crit on grammar, as I can't, but on content, I agree with Leisha, you've hooked me! Nicely done *applause*

Thank you! Music to my ears! Now if only I would finish the thing and hook a publisher! The dream lingers

[HappyHippo]

please finish it! PLEASE! You passed my 'first paragraph' criteria for checking a book out of the library, and the 'first page' criteria for purchasing. And I'm dead picky :P

[daisybee]

HappyHippo you just made my day! Glad that the thousands of words so far may be worth going over! With renewed vigour I shall now revise-feel I have cheated your test though as the prologue would probably be the first page, but will claim the pass anyway!!

[PenDragon]

The narrative flow is good, it reads well. It's natural, the writing is strong without any writerly BS, just a good confident authorial voice.

You've got the narrative hook right at the start and although the balance between exposition and action is leaning slightly in favour of exposition in this excerpt that's only to be expected as exposition is unavoidable in openings.

Be wary of using too many flashback sequences. Personally I find they dilute tension and take away focus from the current action. Plus there's always the danger of the - Paragraph of a thousand hads' - but of course sometimes a flashback is the best way to get over the info you need to get across.

Just a couple of things leaped out at me from a technical viewpoint.

This para ...

In her twenty one years, Sarah had experienced two previous episodes of emotional overload. Once at the age of 9, when her parents had flung themselves from the Bridge, she had been overwhelmed by the urge to cry, her heart heavy and throat full. The second had been on Aleka's first day as a Chosen.

Is slightlty too noticable as exposition and stylistically has a couple of other weak points.

The first line about the age is a bit stock (more on that later). The phrase - experienced two previous episodes of emotional overload. - sounds way too modern for fantasy, emotional overload sounds like therapist jargon which kind of breaks the fictive dream.

The part about her parents leaping causes me problems too. The first thing that strikes me is that this is like a really significant life event for a child to lose her parents like this and it's pretty much glossed over in the middle of a short paragaph.

Secondly, she almost cried? Man, I'd have blubbed for ages if both my parents jumped off a bridge when I was nine.

Now I had to think about that and wonder if this was meant to convey a couple of key things about the character and the society she lives in. Perhaps it's not uncommon for people to leap from the bridge and her reserved reaction is a societal norm. However, I wasn't sure if this is your intention? If it is it might need to be tweaked a bit.

Finally, there's this line - her heart heavy and throat full - again this is a stcok phrase, (again more on that later) but also (double sin) the alliteration - her heart heavy - to a certain extent this is a fashion thing, differnt things come in and out of favour and I think alliteration is out of favour with editors at the moment - but ignoring current fads, I think stylitically you have to be careful with alliteration in general. Subtlty is the key, if the reader doesn't notice alliteration it has worked, if it stands out or calls attention to itself I don't think it has worked. It can have too much of a sing-song rhymey feel which again can break the mood of a piece. My pirate story f'rex has some stand out alliteration, but it's not a serious story, it's played for laughs so the alliteration kind of works for the mood rather than against it (I still might cut it all in revision though).

Finally, I spotted this on my first read through - As the suns first rays. - this is what is known as a stock phrase, like cliche, all stock phrases should be hunted down without mercy (see there's another choice stock phrase) when you are editing. The thing about stock phrases and cliches' is that they are insidious little sods that when you're typing away in that mad first draft rush, just pop out. You write them without thinking, becasue they are so familliar and right there on the tip of your tongue (see) but when you redraft replace them with something fresher.

Anyway, I've waffled on far too long, and it's a lot of waffle on one little paragraph in an excerpt that otherwise is strong.

Hope this is useful.

Cheers,

Lee

[daisybee]

Thanks a lot Lee, that paragragh does jar a bit and I couldn't figure out why, I get what you mean by stock phrases I have a real tendency to over alliterate as a hangover from writing too much poetry!Must resist the urge! Great points, from which I can hopefully rework those lines and improve. Cheers DB

[Funngunner]

I'm not nearly the grammatical expert the others are. I wish I were (but I have my wife, and several copy editors for that), but I liked the narrative flow to this start. Grabbed my curiosity nice and quickly.

I have to agree with the paragraph rule and the first page rule that HappyHippo mentioned.

I want more, I need more.

You said there were 10 more chapters?
I can't wait.

[daisybee]

Thank you The only trouble with all the great advice on here, is that it made me rethink my whole story plan so now I pretty much have to rewrite them all! However having written so much already means I at least have something to work from and change The story remains the same, I'm just trying to cutout the flab!Thanks for the encouragement Funngunner!