My latest attempt at a book, first part of ch. 1 (1100 words)

[Virtual_Space]

This is I believe my fourth attempt at writing a book. Its also my first attempt at writing in th first person. im 17 though so dont expect much from me, Im still learning.

As I lay here dying, the folly of war surrounding me, I cannot help but reflect on my life, and wonder where I went wrong. The thoughts swirled through my mind, all converging at one point, the one point where I was led astray. This is my story, the story of Delnos Verathi.

- - -

“This is ludicrous! How dare you even suggest such a thing!” Sateros yelled from across the table, his hands shaking in rage. I had known him for years. He was a man I would trust with my life, but even I thought he was more able wielding a sword than sitting at the negotiating table. Why he was chosen to be sit in the king’s inner council I will never know.

“All I suggest is a merger of our two great civilizations. It is in all of our people’s best interest.” Ambassador Menardi said, pushing her glasses back up. “With the magic reserves nearly depleted, we view this as a necessity.”

“We can survive without magic, just because your people have grown dependent on it is not our fault.” Sateros said, obviously still irritated.

“So you would leave us to die?!” Menardi yelled, standing up and slamming her fists on the table. “Where is the benevolent kingdom that helped us in the past, what happened to it?! King Ventruvius, surely you must still harbor some sanity.”

The king sat across the table from Menardi, quietly wringing his hands. He was an old man, in his early sixties and he wore his brilliant red and gold robe encrusted with jewels. He hadn’t spoken a word since the meeting began, he just sat there, taking it all in. Finally, he broke his silence.

“The kingdom of Nevia must retain its autonomy, for its people’s sake. We are at a crossroads, my people cannot handle such a major undertaking. It would shock our society to its very core.”

“I see, emperor Sathir will not be pleased with this news.” Menardi said.

Sathir was the leader of the Decrusian Empire, the unseen ruler of half the world. Few had ever seen his face, even fewer had ever spoken to the man. Absolute emperor in both name and practice.

Menardi turned around and started walking towards the door. She pushed the wooden doors open, the long hallway now lay before her.

“Get back here at once, this meeting is not over!” Sateros yelled across the room as Menardi stepped through the open doorway.

“It is for me.” Menardi said coldly.

With that she was gone. The meeting was over. Menardi was right about one thing, Sathir would not take the news well. All in the room were noticeably shaken by Menardi’s strange behavior. I for one couldn’t blame her. To see your people suffer and die while others flourished must be one of the hardest experiences in life.

“The Decrusians will not handle this with ease. We have a serious problem ourselves, our magic reserves are near depleted as well. Without our magic are war machines are useless, what would we do if the Decrusians chose to absorb us into their empire by force?” Sateros said, leaning over the table, eyes locked on the king.

“The Decrusians will be just as weak as we are, they are even more magic dependent than us.” I quickly said, eager to impress the king. I was new to the inner council, and was needing to gain the king’s trust.

“The Decrusian army outnumbers us three to one in pure manpower, we have no chance against them if they attack now. Our only advantage was our mechanized units, and without magic to power them, they are no better than piles of scrap.” Sateros said. We were jostling for a position now, both trying to impress the king. At the moment, Sateros was winning the fight.

“They couldn’t risk an all out war, a war would only deplete what little magic they still have.” I said.

“Only a fool would believe that, the Decrusians are desperate, who knows what they will do.”


“You speak of them as if they are animals, animals desperately trying to survive.”

Sateros puts his hands behind his head, leaned back in his chair, and calmly said “At this point they may as well be.”

“How dare you, I will not sit here and listen to…” I tried to say before the king motioned for silence. Both of us stopped talking immediately.

“I will not have this in my council, intolerance leads to a clouded mind, and a clouded mind leads to conflict. I will not allow any conflict to spring from my kingdom, let alone my closest advisors.”

“Yes my lord.” We both said quickly.

“Sateros, as the leader of the Nevian military, I am putting you in charge of finding a way to power our war machines without magic.”

“Without magic?! That isn’t possible, it took us a century to harness magic, and it will take even longer to learn to control another force.” Sateros said, a shocked expression on his face. I had to agree with him, it was a near ridiculous request. However, it was the kings request, to deny him was equally ridiculous.

“I am giving you unlimited resources, I expect results within a year.”

“Yes my lord, I will do my best.”

“Now, Delnos, I want you to handle the Decrusians, find a way to help them cope without magic. If you can’t, at least slow the onset of the inevitable war. We cannot fight them off in this condition, and they know this.”

“What makes you think war is inevitable?” I asked, curious as to how he would respond. I was still trying to get a feel for how the king worked.

“Like Sateros said, they are desperate, even I agree with that. Those that are desperate to survive will do anything, even wage war. The absorbtion of our kingdom would benefit them greatly, but would be a blow our people couldn’t handle, not with the state the world is in.”

“Very well, I will try and talk some sense into Menardi.”

“Good, I expect great things from both of you, I hope my trust isn’t misplaced.” The king said as he leaned forward, hands resting under his chin. “Go now, I have things to discuss with the other high councilmen”

Both I and Sateros stood up and walked to the same doors that Menardi had stormed out of. We slowly opened the doors, wondering if the king would say anything else to us, some parting words of wisdom or encouragement. He said nothing. We both stepped through into the long hallway, the heavy doors closing behind us.

[Sapheron]

I've only got time for a quick look over this, but I noticed two of the names. Sateros and Menardi... I could swear those are the bad guys out of Golden Sun. I might be wrong, but it stood out to me.

Also, there aren't any paragraphs more than two or three lines long. That's evidence of a lack of detailed description. I'd say theres a bit too much speach compared to non-speech (is there a proper word for that?). You should tell us what the things going on are like, not just tell us they are going on.

Otherwise though, the actual storyline side of it seems alright.

[RidderMark]

I felt the start was very strong. It immediately grabbed my interest and the story played out well at the start. However, I feel that once the two council memebers began fighting for the kings favor it started to loose speed. I felt the discussion between Delnos and Sateros should have been accompanied with more internal thought or perhaps description of the characters body language. I think this could lend itself to a more detailed and interesting piece and give it a great deal more depth and keep the readers interest intact. I think this could also be applied to the when the king gives his orders to Delnos and Sateros.

Otherwise this is a very interesting piece, and I like its overall direction. Don;t be dissuaded, keep up the good work

[Daniel Hetberg]

I'd like to read more. A bit more exposition wouldn't hurt, possibly mention details (and the broader strokes) of the surroundings as your narrator's eye falls on them.

[Virtual_Space]

Originally Posted by Sapheron

I've only got time for a quick look over this, but I noticed two of the names. Sateros and Menardi... I could swear those are the bad guys out of Golden Sun. I might be wrong, but it stood out to me.

Also, there aren't any paragraphs more than two or three lines long. That's evidence of a lack of detailed description. I'd say theres a bit too much speach compared to non-speech (is there a proper word for that?). You should tell us what the things going on are like, not just tell us they are going on.

Otherwise though, the actual storyline side of it seems alright.

lol, I think you might be right. Ive been using those two names for years in World of Warcraft and Everquest, I guess I forgot their origin. Anways, I might go back and change that. Also I will go back and beef up the descriptions a bit.

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Virtual_Space

This is I believe my fourth attempt at writing a book. Its also my first attempt at writing in th first person. im 17 though so dont expect much from me, Im still learning.

As I lay

thispargraph's essentially in present tense, so that's "lie"

here dying, the folly of war surrounding me, I cannot help but reflect on my life, and wonder where I went wrong. The thoughts swirled

swirl

through my mind, all converging at one point, the one point where I was led astray. This is my story, the story of Delnos Verathi.

- - -

“This is ludicrous! How dare you even suggest such a thing!” Sateros yelled from across the table, his hands shaking in rage. I had known him for years. He was a man I would trust with my life, but even I thought he was more able wielding a sword than sitting at the negotiating table. Why he was chosen to be

either no "be", or "be sitting" (though I frefer the former)

sit in the king’s inner council I will never know.

“All I suggest is a merger of our two great civilizations. It is in all of our people’s best interest.” Ambassador Menardi said, pushing her glasses back up. “With the magic reserves nearly depleted, we view this as a necessity.”

“We can survive without magic,

semicolon just because your people have grown dependent on it is not our fault.” Sateros said, obviously still irritated.

“So you would leave us to die?!” Menardi yelled, standing up and slamming her fists on the table. “Where is the benevolent kingdom that helped us in the past, what happened to it?! King Ventruvius, surely you must still harbor some sanity.”

The king sat across the table from Menardi, quietly wringing his hands. He was an old man, in his early sixties and he wore his brilliant red and gold robe encrusted with jewels. He hadn’t spoken a word since the meeting began,

new sentence or "just sitting there"

he just sat there, taking it all in. Finally, he broke his silence.

“The kingdom of Nevia must retain its autonomy, for its people’s sake. We are at a crossroads, my people cannot handle such a major undertaking. It would shock our society to its very core.”

“I see,

Full stop

emperor Sathir will not be pleased with this news.” Menardi said.

Sathir was the leader of the Decrusian Empire, the unseen ruler of half the world. Few had ever seen his face, even fewer had ever spoken to the man. Absolute emperor in both name and practice.

That last sentence lacks a verb. Since it is comprehensible, this is not critical, but you should be aware that grammatically, it is incorrect

Menardi turned around and started walking towards the door. She pushed the wooden doors open, the long hallway now lay before her.

“Get back here at once, this meeting is not over!” Sateros yelled across the room as Menardi stepped through the open doorway.

“It is for me.” Menardi said coldly.

With that she was gone. The meeting was over. Menardi was right about one thing, Sathir would not take the news well. All in the room were noticeably shaken by Menardi’s strange behavior. I for one couldn’t blame her. To see your people suffer and die while others flourished must be one of the hardest experiences in life.

“The Decrusians will not handle this with ease. We have a serious problem ourselves,

semicolon

our magic reserves are near depleted as well. Without our magic are

our

war machines are useless, what would we do if the Decrusians chose to absorb us into their empire by force?” Sateros said, leaning over the table, eyes locked on the king.

“The Decrusians will be just as weak as we are, they are even more magic dependent than us.” I quickly said, eager to impress the king. I was new to the inner council, and was needing

“needed“ rather than “was needing“?

to gain the king’s trust.

“The Decrusian army outnumbers us three to one in pure manpower,

semicolon; and do you really need the "in pure manpower"? It doesn't sound like a term a military man would use,

we have no chance against them if they attack now. Our only advantage was our mechanized units, and without magic to power them, they are no better than piles of scrap.” Sateros said. We were jostling for a position now, both trying to impress the king. At the moment, Sateros was winning the fight.

“They couldn’t risk an all out war, a war would only deplete what little magic they still have.” I said.

“Only a fool would believe that, the Decrusians are desperate, who knows what they will do.”


“You speak of them as if they are animals, animals desperately trying to survive.”

Sateros puts

put

his hands behind his head, leaned back in his chair, and calmly said “At this point they may as well be.”

“How dare you, I will not sit here and listen to…” I tried to say before the king motioned for silence. Both of us stopped talking immediately.

“I will not have this in my council, intolerance leads to a clouded mind, and a clouded mind leads to conflict. I will not allow any conflict to spring from my kingdom, let alone my closest advisors.”

“Yes my lord.” We both said quickly.

“Sateros, as the leader of the Nevian military, I am putting you in charge of finding a way to power our war machines without magic.”

“Without magic?! That isn’t possible, it took us a century to harness magic, and it will take even longer to learn to control another force.” Sateros said, a shocked expression on his face. I had to agree with him, it was a near ridiculous request. However, it was the kings request,

semicolon

to deny him was equally ridiculous.

“I am giving you unlimited resources, I expect results within a year.”

“Yes my lord, I will do my best.”

“Now, Delnos, I want you to handle the Decrusians, find a way to help them cope without magic. If you can’t, at least slow the onset of the inevitable war. We cannot fight them off in this condition, and they know this.”

condition?

“What makes you think war is inevitable?” I asked, curious as to how he would respond. I was still trying to get a feel for how the king worked.

“Like Sateros said, they are desperate, even I agree with that. Those that are desperate to survive will do anything, even wage war. The absorbtion of our kingdom would benefit them greatly, but would be a blow our people couldn’t handle, not with the state the world is in.”

“Very well, I will try and talk some sense into Menardi.”

“Good, I expect great things from both of you, I hope my trust isn’t misplaced.” The king said as he leaned forward, hands resting under his chin. “Go now, I have things to discuss with the other high councilmen”

Both I and Sateros stood up and walked to the same doors that Menardi had stormed out of. We slowly opened the doors, wondering if the king would say anything else to us, some parting words of wisdom or encouragement. He said nothing. We both stepped through into the long hallway, the heavy doors closing behind us.

[Talysia]

You've got the makings of a good story here. Good luck with it!