Tempest Dragons Prologue

[VelvetGirl]

My first attempt at writting a novel in, well.. many years. So it probably won't flow very well. Anyway:


“Hunter, state your report” Molten's voice demanded, ringing through the stillness in the air. Hunter sank in to a bow, his rough front talons tucked under his body in submission. All these formalities weren’t necessary he thought, a twitch of annoyance spread across his wolf like face. He, the lowest ranking of the 7 rulers would prove himself. And they would be sorry they doubted him. It was he, Hunter who would bring the birth of the more powerful Tempest Dragon empire. Then, they would understand what he had seen all along. With this in mind he raised his head from his bow and stood facing the 6 other rulers. They sat in a triangle around him, each one focusing their full attention on Hunter, as if daring him to turn and claim his discovery for himself.

Their dark fur shined as the sun light hit them through an open window, and reflected off the amulets around their necks. Each Dragon ruler wore a different coloured amulet to show their status as rulers. Hunters own amulet, a bright yellow stone glowed warmly, comforting him and securing a flow of strength to his body which kept him straight and confidence.

He surveyed the rulers, no longer intimidated by them. Not even by Molten-Claw, a high-ranking ruler with a deep scar running from between his ears down his muzzle. His tail was curled around his body, lying besides him. His long tail spikes facing upward. Hunter wondered if it was by accident that his tail lay in the threatening position. Perhaps not such an accident, he decided, as Molten-Claw’s yellow eyes bore in to his, showing his cruelty and hunger for power. Hunter cleared his throat, stared straight back in to Molten-Claw’s eyes and replied, “I have found the perfect species my fellow rulers. They live in ignorance to the parallel Earths around them. But they are so very rich in technology.”
He paused, letting the full effect sink in to his audience. The eyes of the rulers lit up almost instantly, as it dawned on them.
“That’s correct” Hunter continued. “A race of creatures so technologically and intellectually advanced. They have hundreds, perhaps thousands of scientists. They have technology for destruction, biology, medicine, communication and ...” He grinned, his long teeth showing beneath his upper gums before finishing his sentence. “And, my fellow rulers, these creatures are intelligent, but, they have no natural weapons at all. No formidable teeth, no claws, no magic”

The rulers gasped, one of them unable to contain his excitement.
“Un heard of, this will make it too easy. We will be unstoppable, we will be able to capt-“

“Silence, fool!” he was cut off by Molten-Claw, who was giving him a look of utmost disrespect and loathing. Hunter thought, if looks could kill Molten wouldn’t have hesitated. He did not suffer fools lightly.
“Do not get over excited, we do not want to get carried away, nor do we know who may be listening. With technology like this in existence, who knows what these creatures are capable of”

“My fellow rulers, I am sure they have no knowledge of my presence, and no knowledge of linked worlds, as I said before. Although are superior in sciences, they have no knowledge of gate links. They have no need to go in search of other worlds. They believe they are the dominant species of Earth.”
Hunter challenged Molten. He had seen the way; he would not let anyone attempt to take charge. Molten-Claw narrowed his eyes, he nostril flared at Hunter, but he knew, like Hunter, that this was valuable information.

“Very well Hunter.” He said, keeping his voice neutral. “What are these creatures called?”
Hunter grinned. This was his story, his show. He would be the one who found the perfect race of creatures.

“Humans” he replied, grinning in triumph. “They call themselves Humans”

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by VelvetGirl

My first attempt at writting a novel in, well.. many years. So it probably won't flow very well. Anyway:


“Hunter, state your report” Molten's voice demanded, ringing through the stillness in the air. Hunter sank into a bow, his rough front talons tucked under his body in submission. All these formalities weren’t necessary

comma

he thought, a twitch of annoyance spread

either the comma after "thought" should be a period, or the word should be "spreading". And later, I think "wolf-like" could use a hyphen

across his wolf like face. He, the lowest ranking of the 7 rulers would prove himself. And they would be sorry they doubted him. It was he, Hunter

comma; and would you consider an "about" after the "bring"? Maybe even changing the "more powerful", since a birth is not simply an development, it's a new existence.

who would bring the birth of the more powerful Tempest Dragon empire. Then, they would understand what he had seen all along. With this in mind he raised his head from his bow and stood facing the 6 other rulers. They sat in a triangle around him, each one focusing their

"each" is singular (particularly "each one", but I suppose you can't get any singularer than one) so it's his (or "his or her", but that's horrible

full attention on Hunter, as if daring him to turn and claim his discovery for himself.

Their dark fur shined

shone; and sunlight (or sun's light, if you prefer)

as the sun light hit them through an open window, and reflected off the amulets around their necks. Each Dragon ruler wore a different coloured amulet to show their

what did I say about "each")

status as rulers. Hunters

Hunter's

own amulet, a bright yellow stone

comma

glowed warmly, comforting him and securing a flow of strength to his body which kept him straight and confidence.

confident

He surveyed the rulers, no longer intimidated by them. Not even by Molten-Claw, a high-ranking ruler with a deep scar running from between his ears down his muzzle. His tail was curled around his body, lying besides him.

replace the period with a comma, and possibly the "his" with a simple "the"

His long tail spikes facing upward. Hunter wondered if it was by accident that his tail lay in the threatening position. Perhaps not such an accident, he decided, as Molten-Claw’s yellow eyes bore in to his, showing his cruelty and hunger for power. Hunter cleared his throat, stared straight back in to Molten-Claw’s eyes and replied,

“I have found the perfect species

comma

my fellow rulers. They live in ignorance to

ignorance of?

the parallel Earths around them. But they are so very rich in technology.”

He paused, letting the full effect sink in to his audience. The eyes of the rulers lit up almost instantly, as it dawned on them.
“That’s correct” Hunter continued. “A race of creatures so technologically and intellectually advanced.

so advanced that…what?

They have hundreds, perhaps thousands of scientists. They have technology for destruction, biology, medicine, communication and ...” He grinned, his long teeth showing beneath his upper gums before finishing his sentence. “And, my fellow rulers, these creatures are intelligent, but,

no comma

they have no natural weapons at all. No formidable teeth, no claws, no magic”

The rulers gasped, one of them unable to contain his excitement.
“Un heard

Unheard

of, this will make it too easy. We will be unstoppable, we will be able to capt-“

“Silence, fool!” he was cut off by Molten-Claw, who was giving him a look of utmost disrespect and loathing. Hunter thought, if looks could kill Molten wouldn’t have hesitated. He did not suffer fools lightly.
“Do not get over excited, we do not want to get carried away, nor do we know who may be listening. With technology like this in existence, who knows what these creatures are capable of”

question mark

“My fellow rulers, I am sure they have no knowledge of my presence, and no knowledge of linked worlds, as I said before. Although are superior in sciences, they have no knowledge of gate links. They have no need to go in search of other worlds. They believe they are the dominant species of Earth.”
Hunter challenged Molten. He had seen the way; he would not let anyone attempt to take charge. Molten-Claw narrowed his eyes, he nostril flared at Hunter, but he knew, like Hunter, that this was valuable information.

“Very well

comma

Hunter.” He said, keeping his voice neutral. “What are these creatures called?”

Hunter grinned. This was his story, his show. He would be the one who

had found?

found the perfect race of creatures.

“Humans” he replied, grinning in triumph. “They call themselves Humans”

I'm not convinced about a carnivore's grin indicating amusement - I know you haven't said it did, but an aggression symbol before all these other rulers? And "his long teeth showing beneath his upper gums"suggests the lip twisted right back.
I assume the numerals will be replaced by written versions in the final draft.

[VelvetGirl]

I would fix the grammar mistakes.. if i could work out how to edit my post >.<

And the Tempest Dragons have a very human like face in their ability to make expressions. So, they don't ressemble an average wolf.

And as for why they're so interested in technology, thats answered in the next few chapters

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by VelvetGirl

I would fix the grammar mistakes.. if i could work out how to edit my post >.<

And the Tempest Dragons have a very human like face in their ability to make expressions. So, they don't ressemble an average wolf.

And as for why they're so interested in technology, thats answered in the next few chapters

No, the "wolf-like" comment was purely grammatical, not objecting to the idea , as was the "so" comment.

And, after a reasonable delay, you can't edit your posts; this is because, in discussion threads things can get unpleasant if people can change what they've said and claim the moral high ground, but it carries over to here. But don't worry, theworst that can happen is that someone else not read the corrections and say the same thing (no, I suppose someone else saying a different thing and arguing over it would be worse)
But that's all right; noboy really cares about the grammatical problems, anyway, we're just waiting for people to say what they think about the style; and I'm useless at that.

[panzerman]

With this in mind he raised his head from his bow and stood facing the 6 other rulers

Normally you spell out numers lower than 10, and most people spell out all numbers, makes it easier to read.

He surveyed the rulers, no longer intimidated by them.

When was he intimidated by them? How did he overcome this intimidation? Maybe its just me, but this sentence bugged me.

and stood facing the 6 other rulers. They sat in a triangle around him,

How do six people sit in a triangle? Two to each side? Without tips it would be a circle. I know it sounds nic-picky, but people like to build a mental image of your story, and little quirks like this get noticed.

Hunter wondered if it was by accident that his tail lay in the threatening position

I understand what you are saying here, but it didnt look/sound like the tail was in a threatening position. Maybe you can add a bit of detail as to how it was threatening.
Also, "Maybe not such and accident" just sounds wrong. Heres my take-

"His long tail curled around his body, coming to rest at his side. The spiked tip pointing ominously towards Hunter. Hunter wondered if this was by cooincedence, or if Molten-Claw intended it to be percieved as a threat. Hunter decided the latter, such was the character of the sadistic and ambitous Dragon leader."

Not perfect by any means, but it explains a bit more how Hunter felt threatened.

I like the story side, its somewhat unique. It could use a rewrite. Try to find more interesting titles than 'Dragon Leader'. Also, add some setting, where are they, what does it look like, whats the mood?

Dont worry about Chris hemming you up, he does it to everyone, especially me. I swear he must be an english teacher, he finds stuff I would never notice, we are lucky to have him. I think this is your first post, so dont be discouraged about critical responses. Thats what we do. If you want to get better, then someone has to tell you whats wrong. It is a great story, but it needs work. If ya need any help, just ask.

[VelvetGirl]

ok, heres the edited version. For those who read it, Does it make you want to read more and what do you think of the plot:

“Hunter, state your report” Molten's voice demanded, ringing through the stillness in the air. Hunter sank in to a bow, his rough front talons tucked under his body in submission. All these formalities weren’t necessary he thought, a twitch of annoyance spreading across his wolf-like face. He, the lowest ranking of the seven rulers would prove himself. And they would be sorry they doubted him. It was he, Hunter who would bring about the birth of the more powerful Tempest Dragon empire. Then, they would understand what he had seen all along. With this in mind he raised his head from his bow and stood facing the six other rulers. They sat in a triangle around him, two on each side, along the walls of the triangular room. They focused their full attention on Hunter, as if daring him to turn and claim his discovery for himself.

Their dark fur shone as the sunlight hit them through an open window, and reflected off the amulets around their necks. Every Dragon ruler wore a different coloured amulet to show their status as rulers. Hunter’s own amulet, a bright yellow stone, glowed warmly, comforting him and securing a flow of strength to his body which kept him straight and confident.

He surveyed the rulers, the thought of his discovery gave him the confidence to no longer find them intimidating. Not even by Molten-Claw, a high-ranking ruler with a deep scar running from between his ears down his muzzle. His tail was curled around his body, lying besides him. His long tail spikes pointing towards Hunter. Hunter wondered if it was by accident that his tail lay in the threatening position, or if Molten-Claw had intended it to be perceived as a threat. Hunter decided the later. He knew Molten-Claw too well, he decided, as Molten-Claw’s yellow eyes bore in to his, showing his cruelty and hunger for power. Hunter cleared his throat, stared defiantly back in to Molten-Claw’s eyes and replied, “I have found the perfect species, my fellow rulers. They live in ignorance of the parallel Earths around them. But they are so very rich in technology.”
He paused, letting the full effect sink in to his audience. The eyes of the rulers lit up almost instantly, as it dawned on them.

“That’s correct” Hunter continued. “A race of creatures so technologically and intellectually advanced. They have hundreds, perhaps thousands of scientists. They have technology for destruction, biology, medicine, communication and ...” He grinned, his long teeth showing beneath his upper gums before finishing his sentence. “And, my fellow rulers, these creatures are intelligent, but they have no natural weapons at all. No formidable teeth, no claws, no magic”

The rulers gasped, one of them unable to contain his excitement.
“Unheard of, this will make it too easy. We will be unstoppable, we will be able to capt-“

“Silence, fool!” he was cut off by Molten-Claw, who was giving him a look of utmost disrespect and loathing. Hunter thought, if looks could kill Molten wouldn’t have hesitated. He did not suffer fools lightly.
“Do not get over excited, we do not want to get carried away, nor do we know who may be listening. With technology like this in existence, who knows what these creatures are capable of?”

“My fellow rulers, I am sure they have no knowledge of my presence, and no knowledge of linked worlds, as I said before. Although are superior in sciences, they have no knowledge of gate links. They have no need to go in search of other worlds. They believe they are the dominant species of Earth.”
Hunter challenged Molten. He had seen the way; he would not let anyone attempt to take charge. Molten-Claw narrowed his eyes, he nostril flared at Hunter, but he knew, like Hunter, that this was valuable information.

“Very well Hunter.” He said, keeping his voice neutral. “What are these creatures called?”
Hunter grinned. This was his story, his show. He would be the one who had found the perfect race of creatures.

“Humans” he replied, grinning in triumph. “They call themselves Humans”

[jallenw]

It's backwards.

By that I mean, of course, that it is inside out.

Let me see if I can make myself more clear.

At the begining, I am completely unaware of anything. All is mysterious and strange. As a fantasy reader, I usually like my strange to come in easy-to-swallow doses. Instead you give me a cornucopia of strange at outset and I am forced to roll it around in my mouth like some unwieldy bit of food that was biten off too big. Just as I have managed to digest enough of the strange to be able to taste the flavor, you pluck it from my mouth. I knew these creatures were talking about humans much too soon. By the time you reveal at the end, all my strange is gone and my mouth is left watering.

This does not sit well with me as a reader. I want a taste at the beginning, not a buffet. I want the buffet only once you have wetted my apetite. Instead, you have gluttoned me, stolen my candy, and starved me with a mere page of text.

I am only critical because this passage could be so much better. I see a wonderful voice and writing talent just screaming to be let out. Your passage was akin to discovering a pegasus, but then finding it was only a mighty stallion with plastic wings glued on.

Please, I beg you, find it within yourself to rewrite this piece from bow to stern. Give me the details of these wolves in smaller doses, spread out over the passage, not in a mass at the start. Cloud their language so that it is not so obvious that they stalk humans. Have them call our scientists shamans or somesuch. Have them talk of technology without using the very word itself. Perhaps you can refer to it only as wealth or power. Have them call Earth by another name, so that it is kept untill the last that their targets are you and me.

Truely, I desperately want to see you wonderful creatures slaughter many men, women, and children of mankind, but please, do not endeavor to slaughter your own voice at the same time. It feels as if you are attempting to emulate someone else's writing, and that is only hindering your effort. Let free your bonds. Ignore how novels should be written and tell me your story freely, unfettered by the chains of your own uncertainty.

I look forward to seeing what wonderful prose you unleash upon me next.

Never stop writing. You have the spark, make it a flame.

J. Allen Wentworth

[VelvetGirl]

um.. what o.O

Its only the prologue, its not suppose to tell you alot of detail. And they do know about humans and Earth, because they live on Earth and call it Earth too, and they have humans among them. But you dont know that yet because its only the prologue

[panzerman]

I get what he is saying, it goes along with what I said about picking better names than "dragon-ruler". The humans on thier earth are obviously not as advanced, so they probably dont have scientists. So you could call the scientists of the new humans something like magister, shamans, even wizards. If the technology level of the new humans is far more advanced than anything the dragons know, they would consider technology of that level to be magical, therefore they might consider the scientists to be grand wizards or somesuch.

Also, these worlds are both earth, but they are alternate realities. Therefore, things may not be called by the same name in both worlds. Stephen King's Dark Tower is similarly themed. In the alternate world sandwiches are called popkins. Little things like that add alot to your story.

Remember though, this is your story, you tell it like you feel it. We are only here to tell you what we think would make it better. And take heart, when people slam your writting, it means they really like the story, we want it to keep getting better!

[VelvetGirl]

Originally Posted by panzerman

I get what he is saying, it goes along with what I said about picking better names than "dragon-ruler". The humans on thier earth are obviously not as advanced, so they probably dont have scientists. So you could call the scientists of the new humans something like magister, shamans, even wizards. If the technology level of the new humans is far more advanced than anything the dragons know, they would consider technology of that level to be magical, therefore they might consider the scientists to be grand wizards or somesuch.

Also, these worlds are both earth, but they are alternate realities. Therefore, things may not be called by the same name in both worlds. Stephen King's Dark Tower is similarly themed. In the alternate world sandwiches are called popkins. Little things like that add alot to your story.

Remember though, this is your story, you tell it like you feel it. We are only here to tell you what we think would make it better. And take heart, when people slam your writting, it means they really like the story, we want it to keep getting better!

Yeah i get what you're saying. Im planning to go back and change all the words. I'm not great at coming up with good replacement words. So.. its taking me time But ill think of them eventually. Im going to change the name Tempest Dragons as well.

[Keri]

Thesaurus.com

For your replacement words. Type in a word, search and magically you have your list of possible replacements.

Know them, use them, love them.

[VelvetGirl]

Originally Posted by Keri

Thesaurus.com

For your replacement words. Type in a word, search and magically you have your list of possible replacements.

Know them, use them, love them.

thanks, i forgot about that site for a while (i know, how could i! ) So i managed to get a few different words from there. Too lazy to edit at the moment

[jallenw]

If you use MS Word 2003 (which is what I use) then shift+f7 is your thesaurus. I'd be lost without it.

[VelvetGirl]

really? *didn't know that* Thanks for the heads up

[Phil Brown]

Originally Posted by VelvetGirl

“Hunter, state your report” Molten's voice demanded, ringing through the stillness in the air. Hunter sank in to a bow, his rough front talons tucked under his body in submission. All these formalities weren’t necessary he thought, a twitch of annoyance spread across his wolf like face. He, the lowest ranking of the 7 rulers would prove himself. And they would be sorry they doubted him. It was he, Hunter who would bring the birth of the more powerful Tempest Dragon empire. Then, they would understand what he had seen all along. With this in mind he raised his head from his bow and stood facing the 6 other rulers. They sat in a triangle around him, each one focusing their full attention on Hunter, as if daring him to turn and claim his discovery for himself.

I think numbers up to ten should be spelt out in words.

Originally Posted by VelvetGirl

Originally Posted by VelvetGirl

He surveyed the rulers, no longer intimidated by them. Not even by Molten-Claw, a high-ranking ruler with a deep scar running from between his ears down his muzzle. His tail was curled around his body, lying besides him. His long tail spikes facing upward. Hunter wondered if it was by accident that his tail lay in the threatening position. Perhaps not such an accident, he decided, as Molten-Claw’s yellow eyes bore in to his, showing his cruelty and hunger for power. Hunter cleared his throat, stared straight back in to Molten-Claw’s eyes and replied, “I have found the perfect species my fellow rulers. They live in ignorance to the parallel Earths around them. But they are so very rich in technology.”

I think besides should be beside.

Originally Posted by VelvetGirl

“Un heard of, this will make it too easy. We will be unstoppable, we will be able to capt-“

I think - should be --