Beginning of "The Brother's Choice" 1400 words

[MButcher]

I'm planning on submitting this to a short story contest, so it needs a lot of work and revision. I'm sure there's more than a few grammar mistakes, especially with the dialogue. You can never be too critical or too mean with your responses.


“Duck, damn you! Duck!”

The swinging bag came at him too quickly and he fell to the ground face-first. The grime from the cave floor mixed with the sweat on his bruised face and left him with a bad taste in his mouth. Kyrael fought the strain in his muscles as he picked himself off of the ground and stood up to face his brother. Thelael had a look of tired determination.

“Damn it all, Kyrael!” he yelled, “how many times do we have to do this before you get it right? After you jump over the bar you have to duck, or the bag'll hit you!”

“I know that!” he yelled in frustration, “I can do this just fine, but repeating it for hours on end is impossible! Your expectations are impossible!”

His older brother's face flushed in anger. “It wouldn't be impossible if you would actually do it instead of whining about it!”

Kyrael's eyes widened in shock. He turned his back on his brother and walked toward a large rock.

“What are you doing?” Thelael asked.

“I'm taking a rest. I'm not going on again until I've had a breather.” He sat down on the rock, panting.

“You want a breather, do you?” Thelael yelled. He grabbed a bucket of water that had been lying next to him and splashed Kyrael in the face with it.

“There's your breather!”

The cold water hit Kyrael in the face while he had been breathing heavily. The water made its way down his throat and forced him to cough. Violent spasms seized him and it was several fearful moments before he could breathe again.

“Now do it again!”

Kyrael could no longer keep his anger in check. He rushed at Thelael in a rage. His memory of the rest of the fight was a haze. One moment he had been trying to wring his older brother's neck, the next he had been lying on the ground with his brother looming over him and the taste of blood in his mouth. His brother's eyes, normally sagging and tired despite his young age of twenty years, beamed angrily at him. The Lady of Fortune must have been smiling upon Kyrael, for at that moment he heard someone's voice echo through the cave.

“Thelael!” yelled a man, “we have a problem!”

Thelael looked up from his brother to see Theulius standing in the passage connecting their cave with the others. Theulius had been a friend of their mother, and the two trusted him entirely. The man was also the head of the Council, the ruling body of the large community living in the caves. His face was flushed a deep red and sweat ran in rivers down the man's bald head. He was breathing heavily.

“What is it?” Thelael asked, still standing over his brother.

“No time for questions! Quickly!”

Thelael turned to his brother and sighed. “Get up. Let's see who's there this time.” The tension between the two had ceased, but left them withdrawn and emotionless. He offered his hand to Kyrael, who grabbed it and pulled himself up. Kyrael, still sopping wet from the bucket, accompanied his brother to the passage, where Theulius stopped him.

“You should stay behind this time. You're drenched, and I don't want anyone to hear you coming.”

Kyrael sighed and simply nodded, his eyes downcast. Thelael and Theulius vanished into the darkness of the passage, leaving the younger brother to wring out the water from his long, sandy brown hair and nurse his aching muscles.

.................................................. .................................................. ...

The darkness enveloped the two as they made their way through the passage. The cave which the brothers had been practicing in was one of many such caves in a vast underground system. It was so vast that, despite the followers of the High God having made it their home many years ago, much of it had yet to be explored.

As he walked, Thelael made a mental note to recommend that another exploration party be made. Hopefully there was another fresh-water spring here somewhere...

The darkness of the passage was punctuated every few moments by small globes of glass in which pale light shone. The globes had been blessed by one of the divine warriors of the Light – angels. Thelael smiled as he and Theulius walked past one. The priests had fought so hard to keep Thelael and his raiding party from stealing them all. He winced at the thought; he preferred to call it “repossessing”. Taking them had been a necessity of course; living in the caves would be impossible without them.

Thelael remembered that raid vividly. Kyrael had been so insistent on going with him. He had said that he wanted his fair share of the work, to pull his own weight for once. And he remembered that Kyrael hadn't spoken to him for a week after he had refused to let him go.

As if in answer to his thoughts, he heard Theulius say, “Why are you so hard on the boy? You're putting it into his head that he isn't strong enough to fight, but you know as well as I do that he is. He's stronger than the other boys his age, smarter too.”

The invisible force that prevents people from speaking anything louder than a whisper in the darkness made Thelael whisper, “He's not ready. Not yet.”

“And when will the boy be ready? When you say he is?”

“I won't trust him with a spear until I know that he can protect himself.” A long moment of silence followed. Finally Thelael said, “I won't always be there to watch over him.”

The darkness prevented the old man from seeing the sadness in Thelael's eyes.

“Watch over him, Thelael,” his mother had said.

Those had been the last words that his mother had spoken to him. She had had no idea how much those words would change his life. Thelael had held the crying baby in his arms as she had walked away, gone off to some impossible mission that he hadn't understood. He had been holding Kyrael in his arms when he had received the news that his mother had been captured by the Darkness, never to be seen again.

Kyrael was the only family that he had left. He would protect his brother with his life if he had to. He owed her that much.

They spent the rest of the trek in silence, making their way through the labyrinth of tunnels as quickly as they could. The darkness faded into light as they reached their destination. The large chamber was littered with sharp boulders that stretched from one end to the other. A path had been cleared, by no small effort, through the sharp rocks. The path led to the top of one of the boulders, where lay a hole large enough for one man to crawl through if he laid on his stomach. It was to this hole that Theulius pointed to.

They quietly climbed the boulder and crouched down beside the entrance. The two stared outside. They had no fear of being spotted. An illusion had been placed on the entrance to make it look like the rest of the cave. Anyone looking for them would see nothing but gray rock. Outside, Thelael could see a small clearing surrounded by tropical forests. Inside the clearing sat a man, a man with blond hair.

“Damn it,” Thelael whispered. Blond hair was never a good sign, as no human had ever been born with blond hair. That meant that the man was either an angel or a demon in human form. Neither was a friend to them.

“I had just found him before I came to get you,” said Theulius, “He's done nothing but sit there with his eyes closed. I think he's chanting something.”

Thelael strained his ears to make out the intruder's voice. At first he could only see the man's lips move, but when he focused for a time he could slowly make out a rhythmic chanting coming from the man.

“You're right. He is,” he said.

Theulius was puzzled. “Why would he be chanting?” he asked.

“That man is either an angel or a demon, you can tell from the hair. He must be working some kind of magic.”

Theulius' face drooped at the prospect, then suddenly perked back up. His brows furrowed in wonder.

“I swear I've heard that chant before...”

“Is there time to call a meeting of the council?” Thelael asked.

“I think so, yes. You know how long these chants take; hours, sometimes days.”

“Good,” he said, “let's go.”

[dustinzgirl]

At first glance I am confused on who is saying/doing what when and who he is.

[MButcher]

Wow that was fast. Thank you for that, I'll rewrite some of those parts to make it clearer. Anything else?

[mosaix]

Hi MButcher

I have an immediate problem with the names used. In any story you have to immerse the reader and in a short story there isn't much time or opportunity to do this. Anything that distracts the reader is bad news and for me the names did just that. I found then difficult to pronounce in my mind, so every time I came across one my 'reading process' was interrupted, I came 'out of the story'.

This happened so much that I stopped reading the story to post this. I'll try again later.

[MButcher]

*Noted* Time for a name change.

[mosaix]

Hi again MButcher

Hope my previous post didn't sound too unfriendly - on re-reading it, it sounds that way. Perhaps I should have added a

Good luck with the competition!

[MButcher]

Oh no, it's fine. I would MUCH rather get negative feedback than no feedback at all.

Have you seen anything else in there that jumps out at you?

[mosaix]

Originally Posted by MButcher

Oh no, it's fine. I would MUCH rather get negative feedback than no feedback at all.

Have you seen anything else in there that jumps out at you?

I'll re-read soon and re-post.

[Commonmind]

I just gave this a quick browse as I really don't have a ton of time at the moment (the son is barking for attention), but let me give you a few pieces of advice; some things to work on during your revisions.

First, your dialogue sounds very wooden. It reads a bit like prose rather than dialogue. Second, though I do like some of your description, you always seem to put the subject at the very beginning of your sentences. This lacks depth and also, without trying to sound redundent, sounds very wooden. For instance: "They walked down the street. It was dark and brooding. They came to a store and went inside. The store was filled with customers. The customers all looked lost and out of place. They decided to leave." They, the, it, "subjects name," as the introduction to each sentence... makes for a very boring read to say the least. Whereas giving it a bit more thought can produce a very different feel, but paints the same picture for the reader: "Walking down the dark street they came along a store and headed inside. A buzzing filled the air as customers crowded the aisles, talking and carrying on. Something wasn't right here either, everyone seemed out of place. Deciding the street was more welcoming, they turned to leave." An example with little effort, but I think you get the point (I hope you do, at least).

[mosaix]

I think you should compress the dialogue and come to the fight sooner. Just that act of throwing the water is enough to kick off hostilities. Try writing that bit without any dialogue until you are happy with it and then insert just enough to introduce their names and relationship. That way it will probably come out tighter and you'll get to the fight sooner.

How many words are there going to be in the short story? There seems to be a good deal of background and usually there is insufficient space in a short story for quite so much detail. Readers are OK at filling in the blanks for themselves if the story line is strong enough to carry the reader along at pace. An example is the dying words of his mother. Without knowing the rest of the story (always a difficulty here) I'm sure that could be much more compact. Is it really a requirement to know exactly what happened to the mother in order to establish the protective feelings Thelael has for his younger brother?

How long have you got before the story has to be submitted? A piece of advice that you may have heard before is to put the story away in a drawer for some time - (can you allow a month? ten days?) - then come back to it and read it with fresh eyes. Things will jump out at you from the page that you just can't see now because you are too close to it.

[mosaix]

Originally Posted by Commonmind

I just gave this a quick browse as I really don't have a ton of time at the moment (the son is barking for attention), but let me give you a few pieces of advice; some things to work on during your revisions.

First, your dialogue sounds very wooden. It reads a bit like prose rather than dialogue. Second, though I do like some of your description, you always seem to put the subject at the very beginning of your sentences. This lacks depth and also, without trying to sound redundent, sounds very wooden. For instance: "They walked down the street. It was dark and brooding. They came to a store and went inside. The store was filled with customers. The customers all looked lost and out of place. They decided to leave." They, the, it, "subjects name," as the introduction to each sentence... makes for a very boring read to say the least. Whereas giving it a bit more thought can produce a very different feel, but paints the same picture for the reader: "Walking down the dark street they came along a store and headed inside. A buzzing filled the air as customers crowded the aisles, talking and carrying on. Something wasn't right here either, everyone seemed out of place. Deciding the street was more welcoming, they turned to leave." An example with little effort, but I think you get the point (I hope you do, at least).

Excellent advice Commonmind.

[Commonmind]

Originally Posted by mosaix

Excellent advice Commonmind.

Thanks, and same to you actually.

[MButcher]

Wow, thanks for all the advice! The story must be no longer than 17,000 words, but I doubt it will end up being that long. The contest starts April first and if it is not finished by then, the next one is in July.

@ Mosaix:

Having the fight sooner is a good idea. I'll revise it and see how it goes.

[The Pelagic Argosy]

Originally Posted by Commonmind

First, your dialogue sounds very wooden. It reads a bit like prose rather than dialogue. Second, though I do like some of your description, you always seem to put the subject at the very beginning of your sentences. This lacks depth and also, without trying to sound redundent, sounds very wooden. For instance: "They walked down the street. It was dark and brooding. They came to a store and went inside. The store was filled with customers. The customers all looked lost and out of place. They decided to leave." They, the, it, "subjects name," as the introduction to each sentence... makes for a very boring read to say the least. Whereas giving it a bit more thought can produce a very different feel, but paints the same picture for the reader: "Walking down the dark street they came along a store and headed inside. A buzzing filled the air as customers crowded the aisles, talking and carrying on. Something wasn't right here either, everyone seemed out of place. Deciding the street was more welcoming, they turned to leave." An example with little effort, but I think you get the point (I hope you do, at least).

That's interesting. I was going to say the opposite: that I found the style very readable and clear. Nothing fancy. I find a "no-style" style quite refreshing. Whether a judge of a writing contest will agree is another question. But I agree that the dialogue could probably be more interesting.

But the thing about a straightforward style is that all attention is on the story itself. And this one isn't very exciting yet.

One problem is that the walk through the caves is way too long. Nothing happens here, so don't waste so many words. I think you should shift everything that dialogue during the walk accomplishes -- introducing the fact that this character is trying to protect his brother, as he promised his mother -- to the more interesting fight scene at the beginning. This might help increase the drama between the two brothers so that it seems deeper than mere sibling rivalry.

[Commonmind]

Originally Posted by The Pelagic Argosy

That's interesting. I was going to say the opposite: that I found the style very readable and clear. Nothing fancy. I find a "no-style" style quite refreshing. Whether a judge of a writing contest will agree is another question. But I agree that the dialogue could probably be more interesting.

But the thing about a straightforward style is that all attention is on the story itself. And this one isn't very exciting yet.

An exposition can still be straight-forward and hold quite a bit of depth and variation in the prose. I think you've misunderstood my advice. I'm not asking him to add to or weigh down his dialogue and description with unnecessary fluff. What I'm suggesting is that he change the structure of his sentences to allow for a bit more variation. Take George R.R. Martin for example, probably one of the most straight-forward, to the point authors on the market. Now compare him to Robert Jordan or someone of the overly descriptive ilk (no offense, I'm a Jordan fan myself). Martin writes with a certain cadence, while Jordan would rather spend half the page explaining the top of a desk (again, I do enjoy his work, but I'm merely using the example as a comparison). Imagine reading an entire work with the same exact sentence structure, with little variation... It may sound somewhat tolerable for a short excerpt, but in novel format I really think most readers would peg the writer as bland, or lacking chops.