Another short excerpt...

[Culhwch]

Well, I've been tossing up whether or not to post any more of this. I'm naturally a private sort of person, not usually too keen on sharing, but I wouldn't mind some opinions on this piece. It's from early in the second part of a novel I'm working on currently. It's a low-magic (almost no-magic, really) dynastical fantasy, rather traditional in its scope. I've started writing this second part even though I haven't done much on the first part (which is lucky, as it's totally different in tone, and I'll have to rewrite most if not all of it). But I was doing some background sketching and discovered an intriguing story amongst what I'd thought were tertiary characters. Any thoughts, impressions or suggestions are more than welcome...

III

Seagulls wheeled off the narrow headland, white feathers blazing brilliantly in the morning sun. Laurie brushed his unkempt hair from his eyes and watched them circle the old, tumble-down tower on the point, swooping occasionally to dip their beaks in the restless sea.

‘Tristafer! What’s that tower over there?’ he called to his two companions, a man and woman riding a handful of paces ahead of him.

The man turned in his saddle so he could see where Laurie was pointing. ‘It used to be a lighthouse,’ he called back, the words almost lost to the wind. ‘To warn ships of the rocks. It’s been deserted ever since I can remember.’

The woman riding at his side glared across at him. ‘I told you not to encourage him, Tris. If you answer his questions, he’ll just ask more. You’ll see.’

Tristafer laughed. ‘Come, Selyne, there is no need to be so harsh.’

Laurie spurred his horse and rode up between the pair. ‘Indeed, sweet sister. The All-God never made it a sin to possess an inquisitive mind.’

Selyne favoured him with a withering gaze. ‘And what of annoying your siblings? Did the All-God in his wisdom make that a sin?’

Laurie shook his head. ‘Nor that either, I’m afraid.’

‘Pity,’ Selyne said, turning back to the road ahead of them. She could not shake her imperious air, despite the common garb she wore. Laurie and Tristafer were dressed similarly, in trousers and roughspun shirts, and mostly looked the part. But on Selyne even the trews, light linen shirt and simple doublet looked regal. Her dark hair was for a change tamed, woven into a thick braid that reached almost to her saddle. She sat her horse as though born to it – unlike Laurie, who sat his a little like a drunkard aboard a ship in high seas.

Of all of us, she is the most like father, he thought as he watched her ride. The wind whipped his hair into his eyes once more, and he swiped it angrily away. And I the least.

He looked out to the point again, a notion suddenly striking him. ‘So then what of the ships?’ he asked Tristafer. ‘Do they simply run aground on the rocks?’

‘I imagine they know better, and steer well clear,’ Tristafer said. ‘These days most merchants have too much draught to cut so close to the shore, in any case. Though now and then a storm will fetch an unwary ship up onto the rocks.’

‘Does that happen very often?’

‘Every few years or so. When I was a boy I rode out there with my father to see the wreck of the Rose Queen. There wasn’t much left of her. A few spars of splintered wood, shreds of sailcloth. Only five men made it ashore.’

They rode in silence for some time after that. The Seaway stretched ahead of them, following the curve of the coast north, all the way to the shores of the Eastern Passage. Behind them it continued south almost as far as distant Vanyrr. Built by the Eiolan Empire when it had claimed ownership of a large part of what were now the Southern Kingdoms, it was still in good condition. A few weeds grew in the spaces between cobbles, but by and large they seemed as solid, Laurie imagined, as the day they had been laid.

[pyan]

Gods, it's nice to read something like this in this section for a change, Cul!

Excellent! More!

(and that's not a critical comparison with anyone else posting here, if they're reading this- I'd bet that Culhwch was just like the rest when he started!)

[mosaix]

A nice piece Culhwch you've obviously put in some effort on this. It flows well with a good mix of dialogue and scene-setting.

I think the only thing I would suggest is a little pruning.

"The man turned in his saddle so he could see where Laurie was pointing."

Little things like "so he could" can easily be replaced with "to" to make it a bit tighter. But that's just me being picky.

I like those windy, sunny days next to a choppy sea and this piece describes them well.

[Culhwch]

Oooh, bold! Thanks, Pyan. Glad you liked. I'll post more of this scene in the next day or two...

And yes, I was. Worse, probably. In my head I still am...

EDIT: And thanks mosaix, too. You're right. I'd already cut a few of those out just before I posted. This is about second draft stage, third at best, so there's still refinement to happen.

[pyan]

De nada, Cul. At the risk of sounding pretentious, IMHO this is professional quality, Cul, and should be submitted- I've certainly read much worse published stuff, apparently selling well.

[The Pelagic Argosy]

Nice job. I've got nothing to nitpick.

[Culhwch]

As promised (though a little late) the rest of this scene:

They had mounted a gentle rise and come onto a cliff that overlooked a calm bay. The road dropped to the shoreline, skirting the bay before disappearing amongst some grassy dunes on the far side. Laurie reined in, and the others followed suit. A group of riders was emerging from between the dunes. ‘Is that them, do you think?’ he asked.

‘I imagine so,’ Selyne said from beside him. ‘How many do you make them, Tris?’

Tristafer stood in his stirrups, shading his eyes from the glare of the sun with a hand. It took a few moments for all of the riders to clear the long grass of the dunes and come out onto the open road. ‘Twenty, twenty-five at most.’

The riders were strung out along the Seaway in what seemed a loose formation, though even Laurie could see the underlying pattern, a protective circle around a central trio. Tugging on his rein, he brought his horse around so that he faced his companions. ‘Shall we wait for them here?’

Tristafer looked around. ‘It’s as good a place as any, I suppose.’

Selyne nodded, and fixed Laurie with a gaze. ‘You know what to say?’

‘I’ll be fine, Selyne,’ Laurie said, a little peevishly. ‘Have you no faith in your little brother?’

‘Not much.’ Selyne softened the words with a smile. ‘Sorry.’

Laurie snorted. ‘Father ought to have sent Hugh or Alyn.’

‘Your brothers have their own concerns, Laurie,’ Tristafer said.

‘Besides,’ Selyne added, ‘you and I are far more suited for this task.’

‘Escorting a king?’

‘Of course not,’ she said, looking to the approaching riders. ‘We’ve a different task altogether. We’re here to insult a king.’

Now that the riders were closer, they could make out more detail. There were twenty-four of them in total, not counting the packhorses. They were dressed plainly but openly wore swords and daggers at their hips. Every one of them had the look of a seasoned soldier – even the grey-haired man riding at their centre, sitting proudly on a chestnut mare. He was flanked by two well-built, dark-featured youths. As they neared it became apparent the pair were twins.

‘Aidan and his sons,’ said Tristafer. ‘And half the royal guard, it would seem. So much for remaining inconspicuous.’

‘At least he didn’t wear that god-awful cloak,’ Selyne answered, a smile playing at her lips.

Laurie gave his sister a look and spurred forward to meet the king’s party as it mounted the rise. ‘Your Majesty!’ he called into the wind, raising a hand in greeting.

The king’s guard spread out in a line across the Seaway, hands on sword hilts and eyes wary. Aidan guided his mare past them and reined in short of Laurie. He fixed the younger man with an expectant, steely gaze.

‘Your majesty,’ Laurie repeated, flustered. ‘Welcome to Rothgard.’

‘Then you’re my escort?’ Aidan said, voice gruff.

‘We are, your majesty,’ Laurie said, bowing as far as the saddle allowed as Selyne and Tristafer came up beside him. ‘I am Prince Laurie. This is my sister, the Princess Selyne, and her husband, Sir Tristafer Templeton, heir of Greythorne. On behalf of our lord father, we extend you our sincerest welcome and offer you our protection.’

The wind whipped Aidan’s thick woollen cloak and tossed his hair, but the king’s gaze didn’t falter. ‘Which one are you? The musician?’

Laurie smiled nervously. ‘I have studied music, your majesty,’ he answered. ‘In Oldtown, as a matter of—‘

Aidan cut him off. ‘A musician and a girl. Such a reception from the mighty king of Rothgard. A lesser man might construe that as an affront.’

Aidan’s cold blue eyes bored into Laurie, daring him to deny it. Laurie’s mouth opened and closed, but no words would come. He looked desperately at Selyne. She did not fail him. ‘To be sure, your majesty. But if our father had in our stead sent our brother Hugh, we feared it may have been construed as a threat.’

Aidan was quiet a moment, looking intently at Selyne. Selyne held the stare. Laurie dared not breath. After what seemed an eternity, the corner of Aidan’s mouth pulled into what could only be called a smile, and he barked a short, harsh laugh. ‘You I like, girl.’

‘Princess, your majesty,’ Tristafer spoke up. ‘I must insist.’

‘Don’t get your hackles up, Templeton. No need for jealousy,’ he said. Smiling still, before he inclined his head slightly. ‘But I will respect your wishes. It is just the three of you, then?’

’We left our escort in Saltwater, a little way down the coast, your majesty,’ said Laurie. ‘Speaking of which, we should be getting along, or else they’ll have the local militia raised and searching for us.’

‘Then by all means, let us go.’ Aidan nodded to one of his sons, who motioned to the escort and led a handful of them in a vanguard. Laurie, Selyne and Tristafer turned their mounts and fell in beside Aidan and his remaining son. The rest of the king’s men spread out around them.

‘I didn’t introduce my boys,’ Aidan said, riding beside Selyne. ‘This one is Cedric, and that one,‘ he gestured to the receding back of his other son, ‘is Leo. I think.’

Tristafer laughed, and Selyne smiled. Laurie could feel his heartbeat beginning, finally, to slow. ‘Do they ever speak, your majesty?’ Selyne asked lightly.

‘Not often, no,’ the king answered. ‘In that I am a fortunate man.’ He barked another laugh, and dug his spurs into his mare’s flanks. She charged off, leaving the others hurrying to catch up.

[pyan]

I can't be bothered, Cul - do me a favour and just read posts #2 and #5 again.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

what I'd thought were tertiary characters. .

These are tertiary characters? I should think I could smell the primary ones!

Just get on with it and get it published, Cul. I'll buy it - in hardback, what's more!

[Culhwch]

Very kind of you, Pyan. I'll hold you to that when the best quote they have to put on the cover is, 'Not drivel from cover to cover, but so close it hardly matters.' - Stephen King.

It's coming along, though not so fast as I should like. No one to blame but myself, of course...

[pyan]

No, they'll put "In the style of GRR Martin" on the cover.
What they'll mean is "Takes far too long to write the damn things!"

And did I really say "Buy" in the last post? What I meant to say, of course, was: "When I receive my signed, personally-dedicated free first-edition review copy.....

[chopper]

ancient thread, i resurrect thee!

i'll second pyan on this one - not in that i'll expect a freebie, but that it's very accomplished and the writing is consistent in all the excerpts i've read. i like the humour and the sparring in the dialogue as well - you seem to have an easy talent for that.

s

[Peter Graham]

Hi Culhwch,

I think your writing is excellent - clear, fluid and well-paced. I agree with Pyan that this is definitely of publishable quality. It seems to be almost unfashionable nowadays to be able to put a coherent sentence together ("Creativity is soooo much more important than Boring Rules" and all that tosh), but you show how a story can come alive and really draw in the reader when it is well-written.

A couple of (very) minor observations, if I may. In the first piece, the last paragraph seemed to be a shift in narrative voice that verged on being a mini-info dump. You'd previously avoided that in the way you had teased out character information through dialogue, but be careful not to repeat yourself too much - you flagged up the fact that our heroes were all related perhaps once too often for my liking.

Secondly, you repeated "whipped" a bit too much as a means of describing the effects of the high wind.

To nit-pick further on section 2:-

They had mounted a gentle rise and come onto a cliff that overlooked a calm bay.

Keep the tense consistent with what has come before - "they mounted...." is fine.

The road dropped to the shoreline, skirting the bay before disappearing amongst some grassy dunes on the far side. Laurie reined in,

No comma necessary here

and the others followed suit. A group of riders was emerging from between the dunes. ‘Is that them, do you think?’ he asked.

Nothing wrong per se, but I think you could find a better word than "emerging". It doesn't really convey much. How about - "a line of riders was threading its way between the dunes..." or something like that?

‘Escorting a king?’

‘Of course not,’ she said, looking to the approaching riders. ‘We’ve a different task altogether. We’re here to insult a king.’

Ever so slightly, this dips out of credible dialogue and starts looking a bit like explanatory dialogue. How about:-

"Escorting a king?"

"Insulting one, more like," snorted Selyne.

He was flanked by two well-built, dark-featured youths. As they neared

Comma?

‘At least he didn’t wear that god-awful cloak,’ Selyne answered, a smile playing at her lips

on?

Laurie gave his sister a look and spurred forward to meet the king’s party as it mounted the rise

Again, "mounted" doesn't sound quite right - crested?

‘Then you’re my escort?’ Aidan said, voice gruff.

Either "in a gruff voice" or "gruffly" (is that a real word? Sounds like it might be...)

It's all minor stuff. You can write and write well. That's really all that matters, at the end of the day!

Regards,

Peter

[svalbard]

This is good. Surprised I missed it first time round.

[Teresa Edgerton]

Originally Posted by pyan

Just get on with it and get it published, Cul. I'll buy it - in hardback, what's more!

So will I.

Well, based on the samples I've seen you post here so far, I definitely would,

If you start posting scenes with whips and torture chambers, and a bad prince who says, "You've spoiled my fun, Brother" when the good prince interrupts him raping villagers -- then I might rethink my rash promise.

But from what you've given us here, I'm eager to read the rest.

[Commonmind]

Excellent work Cul.