Jon Snow's true parentage...

[Boaz]

Okay, Nef, that could be Lyanna's demand of Eddard, but please connect Lyanna and Arthur. I'd love to have a new real theory, a plausible explanation for a different version of Jon's existence.

[Fourth Hunter]

Dayne probably had a whole lot of pull in the Kingsguard. It would explain why he, Hightower, and the other one who's name escapes me were at the Tower of Joy.

[Nefela]

Arthur Dayne, Oswell Whent and Gerold Hightower were at the Tower of Joy. Why??? Their king, and prince are dead, Viserys and Dany are seiling for Braavos. So then why are they there? Dayne, Whent and Hightower had been absent from the battles on the Trident, Kings Landing and Storms End - again why? O.K. maybe that was Rhaegars command, but I think there is more to the story of Arthur Dayne that it seems.

[Dolorous Edd]

Look, it's patently obvious that Jon Snow is in fact the third Skywalker sibling, who was separated at birth from his brother and sister to keep him from his father, Darth Vader.

The reason we've yet to see Howland Reed is, of course, because he is in fact Jedi Master Yoba, younger brother of Yoda, who fled with the baby through a rift (helpfully opened by his pen-pal Pug) to the haven of Westeros (obviously, the tourist brochures neglected to mention that trifling Others business). Howland/Yoba has yet to show his face because he's spent the last 5 years searching for his ship, which unfortunately sunk into the swamps on landing, and, even more unfortunately, he can't remember where exactly he parked it.

But what about mera and jojen, you cry? How can they be Yoba's children - They can't be! No, they are in fact early draft versions of the characters who would one day become Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, who, under threat of some serious editing, fled Rowling's PC in the dead of night and at last came to rest in greywater watch, where they were adopted by Yoba and subsequently changed their names to protect themselves from legal action from Rowling's crack team of lawyers who were by now combing the cosmos in search of copyright infringements.

So what next for Jon? He wasn't needed to defeat the Empire, and as Lucas has, as yet, no plans to milk the franchise with yet another trilogy, surely poor Jon is surplus to requirements? Not so! For Jon has a destiny! It was written, in the dawn of time, that there would come a man, one day, who would revolutionise domestic furnishing, providing consumers with a hitherto unknown range of choice and style, and all at low, low prices!

Yes! Jon snow is destined to open Westeros' first Ikea store!


Many Bothans died, to write this post.


P.S For those in doubt of the veracity of this theory, the texts provide conclusive proof once translated into Swahili, mixed up in a blender, glued back together and read upside down at the full moon whilst standing on ones head and watching Jerry Springer. Really!

[TK-421]

BBWAAHAHAHAHAHA...

Bothans...that was funny.

Seriously, if Jon saves the Kingdom from Stannis by killing him then he has served a great purpose. Actually, I think Melissandre will kill Stannis as she will see Jon as Azhor Ahai reborn.

[Aegon the Unworthy]

Yes....finally someone who posts drunker than I. Awesome rambling Dolorous.