Joke - 1000 Nuns and a Leprechaun

[Lenny]

I've just spent 20 minutes typing this up, so stop me if you know it. No, really.

No telling me my grammar is off, no noticing bad panctuation, and no moaning about the tense... in fact, it is using a courht tense. I calls it, Joke Tense!
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On a small island just off the coast of Britain, live 1000 nuns. Famous worldwide for being a colony of exactly 1000 nuns living on a remote island off the coast of Britain. Such is their fame that people from all around make the trip to this island and look around, watching the nuns go about their nunny business. And the nuns, being the shifty entrepreneurs that nuns are, make an absolute killing in the tourism industry, bringing in millions of pounds each year.

Anyway, one year the nuns decide that they are going to build a shrine to Jesus. It's been on their minds for quite some time, and with all the money from all the tourism they have more than enough.

And so these 1000 nuns set about building this shrine to Jesus. It takes them five years to build it, and once it's finished it's clear that this shrine is the most amazing shrine to Jesus in the entire world. Adorned in marble, gold, and highly polished wood.

The nuns decide that the completing of this shrine is a special occasion. Such a special occasion, in fact, that it deserves a party never before seen in the whole of nundom.

The night of the party comes, and it's a real hot shindig, but with no drink, mind. All the nuns are dancing, chatting away happily to each other, enjoying the buffet. About two hours into the party a leprechaun pops up out of nowhere, toddles over to the youngest nun and says, "Sister! I've been travelling the world for 5 years! And I'm terribly parched. Could I perhaps enquire after a glass of water?" The nun looks at him, in all his dehydrated glory, and fetches him a glass of water. The leprechaun looks at it, holds it up tot he light, sniffs it, brings the glass up to his lips, tilts said glass, the precious liquid flowing towards him. Finally it wets his lips and BAM! A giant bolt of lightning comes out of nowhere, smashing into the shrine, blowing it into trillions of tiny pieces and killing 100 nuns in the process. In all the confusion the leprechaun disappears.

Naturally the remaining 900 nuns are heartbroken! Their beautiful shrine. Their masterpiece 5 years in the making. Gone! Shattered in but a split second! Not to mention 100 corpses littering the place.

After hours of mourning, the nuns decide that they've got enough money left to build a bigger, better shrine to Jesus, that can also be dedicated to the 100 nuns who died at the party.

And so, the 900 nuns set about building a second shrine to Jesus. For 10 years the sounds of worknuns can be heard across the whole island. For 10 years the silence of the tranquil paradise off the coast of Britain is smothered by hammerings, and sawings, and drills whirring into the early hours of the morning. For 10 years the nuns work ceaselessly until one bright morning the shrine is complete. Twice as big as the original shrine. Twice as magnificent. Twice the reason for them all to reach heaven.

And the nuns decide that in celebration of these sculptural phenomenon, they shall have another party.

The night of the second party rolls around, and the party gears off to a great start. Nuns can be seen all over the island, boogying on down to the tunes belching out of the islands sound system. Again, no drink. These are nuns, remember?

About three hours into the party a leprechaun pops up out of nowhere, toddles over to the youngest nun and says, "Sister! I've been trekking through the worlds mountain ranges for nigh on ten years! Over the Himalayas. Up the Andes. Down the Rockies. Across the Alps. And boy, has it made me thirsty. Could I trouble you for a glass of water?" The nun, unable to refuse such a poor creature, gladly agrees and fetches the leprechaun a glass of water. The leprechaun swills it around for a moment, takes a straw and blows bubbles in it, anoints the sausage rolls, and takes a sip. BAM! The moment the water touches his lips a giant bolt of lightning comes out of nowhere and zigzags it's way into the shrine, making it explode into bazillions of tiny pieces, killing 200 nuns in the process.

Of course, the remaining 700 nuns are absolutely devastated. A second shrine, gone! God must be angry with them. To destroy a piece of art so beautiful and artsy. Not to mention another 200 bodies draped over rocks and tree branches, along with the other 100 skeletons.

After more hours of mourning, the nuns decide that the only thing to do is build a third sculpture. Bigger and better than the other two, with all the money left over - that's why God is hurting them. They ought to use all the money, not some of it. They had it cracked, see?

And so the island became a colossal building site for the next 20 years. Scaffolding, JCBs, cranes, everything. Caterpillar tracks were edged into the rock. Whole areas of forest were cleared for this massive construction. Wildlife on the island was all but wiped out. But eventually, a day dawned which was different to any from the past 20 years. The shrine was complete! A shrine comparable to no other, second to none, the one that takes the biscuit, the cake, and the whole refreshments trolley.

It had become tradition, by then, that the nuns should have a party following the completion of their architectural wonder. And so they did. Hiring the best caterers from across the world, fitting a sound system rivaled by few. They even persuaded a troupe of clowns to make a guest appearance.

The night of the party suddenly loomed on the calendar, and the 700 nuns started the evenings festivities off with gusto. Dancing, boogying, all round madness. Yet again, no drink. The food was the best any had ever tasted, the sound system the best they had ever heard, the clowns the funniest they had seen.

About 4 hours into the whole shabang, a leprechaun pops up out of nowhere, and toddles over to the youngest nun, saying, "Sister! I've been traipsing the deserts of the world for a score of years! Frozen by the Arctic wastes, burnt in the Saharan Sea of Sand, starved on the Siberian plains! The whole experience has left my thirsty. I beg of you, bring me a glass of water!" The nun, set in her charitable ways, fetches the leprechaun a glass of water right away. The leprechaun took it, peered through it at a distant ham on the table, admired his rippled reflection, built a miniscule fleet of boats and battled them on the High Seas of Hygen, and finally, necked it down in one gigantic gulp. The moment the miraculous fluid touched his lips, BAM! A huge bolt of lightning flashed down from the sky like a demon possessed, annihilating the shrine in one foul swoop, and killing 699 nuns in the process.

The youngest nun is the only one who remains, and is gobsmacked. For 35 years the sisters had spent millions on building the biggest, the best shrine to Jesus, and each time the shrine had disappeared in a spout of freakish weather. Not to mention 999 bodies piled high on the mountain.

The final nun decides that the island holds too many bad memories for her, and moves to England, settling in a single bedroom flat overlooking an urban city on the coast. After a few weeks of settling down, she has an idea! She uses her life-savings and buys tools and materials to build her own shrine to Jesus.

For 40 years she works alone in her flat, carving, chiselling, cutting, cropping, until finally, mere months after her 95th birthday, the shrine is complete. Nothing near the scale of the three previous shrines, hers is a shrine filled with blood and sweat. Smaller than a loaf of bread it sat on her table, radiating holiness.

And so the sister has a party, on her own, in her quiet flat, with no drink, no music, no dancing, no entertainment, only a frozen quiche to keep her company. About 5 hours into the fun a leprechaun pops up out of nowhere, and toddles over to the nun. He says, in a quivering voice, "Sister! I have been tripping these past 40 years. Through worlds of psychedelic pink, to planets composed entirely of purple bananas that speak by writing on each others skins with a white biro. The experiences have left my mouth dry. Could I please, please, PLEASE, take from you a single glass of water?"

The nun looks at the leprechaun, her eyes boring into him like cocktail sticks into soft cheese, and replied, "No."

[Faceless Woman]

'Bought time she caught on! Was it all the same nun?
Very funny. *thinks about correcting grammer. Decides against it.*

[Lenny]

Yep. The youngest nun every time.

[Rattus Virtualis]

Heard through an open windowas I walked past a nunnery late at night;

"Where's the candle?"

"Yes it does, doesn't it."

[Lenny]

Haha! I know that as:

Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other, "Where's the soap?"

"That it does," came the reply.