Chapter three of legacy Rewrite.

[Enadil Moonweaver]

Chapter 3: The Mystery of the Symbols.

During the night, a small group came to Griffin air. They were travelers who had been in Ursatavia during the time of the Magick Ceremony. With them was a young girl she was among the few mages that were chosen but she had left during the festival so she did not talk to the Magick tester.

Nigel had let them in and talked with them until the sun came up. Upon hearing the voices, Mia and the others got up from their rooms groggily.

“Uncle, care to introduce us to these people?” questioned Azerath.

The small child looked at Azerath with wide inquisitive eyes and spoke in Kalnabian.
“My name is Neyuki Sanpuku, sorry to wake you sir.”

Azerath stared at the girl when she mentioned her name, “Sanpuku? You’re a merchant’s daughter right? The one from the festival.”

Neyuki nodded, “That is correct sir.”

Mia grinned, “You have had fun at the festival. Especially since I heard your name called.”

Neyuki nodded again, “Yes, I was chosen to go to the Magick School, but my islands leader wants me to go to the Crystal Spire Guild first.”

Arien asked aloud “Don’t you think it’s weird. That both of the leaders said we had to go to the Crystal Spire Guild?”

Everyone in the room looked at each other. It was weird. Why had the young mages been chosen? Why did they have to go to the guild? It was as if the leaders knew more than they were sharing. Mia thought a bit and then ran to the room that her, Rose and Arien were sharing.

Neyuki grew curious , “Where did that girl go off to?”

Azerath, “Oh, Mia? I think she went back to her room to get something. By the way, my name’s Azerath. The other two girls are Arien and Rose.”

Mia returned to the room carrying the Communication sphere that Adenydd had given her. Crossing the room, she put it on a table. Mia began to concentrate and said.

“I need to speak to Adenydd of Ursatavia.”

Slowly the sphere grew brighter as Adenydd’s face appeared upon it’s surface.

“Oh Mia, What‘s wrong?” asked Adenydd.

“There is more than going to the guild isn’t there Ma’am.”

Sighing Adenydd replied, “I was hoping you wouldn’t figure it out until you got there.”
She bowed her head for a moment and then looked at them, “There is a Prophecy of the world falling to darkness.”

Mia nodded, “I know the prophecy you speak of.” She began to recite the prophecy;

“A world will fall to shadows darkness and despair.
A golden maiden will suffocate from darkness’ touch.
Heroes from far and wide will be the light of hope.
Guided by loyalty and faith one will betray will others remain true.
They shall journey to the heart of the world and free the light from the dark.”

Adenydd nodded, “That is correct Mia. A few nights ago, I had a prophetic dream. It told me who the Heroes would be. The ones marked with the Elemental symbols of Mana.”

“You mean, Us?” inquired Mia.

“Yes I do. Please forgive me I had no choice but to send you.”

“Why do you ask of forgiveness Ma’am?” Mia was slightly puzzled.

“Because it may already be too late, but you have to try. You cannot just give up. Prophecy states that you will be the Heroes. All of us here in Ursatavia believe in you.”

With Adenydd’s words the Communication sphere’s picture faded. Sextet looked at each other in wonder. The mystery of the symbols had been revealed. What would become of them now that they knew the truth?

[chrispenycate]

[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by Enadil Moonweaver

Chapter 3: The Mystery of the Symbols.

During the night, a small group came to Griffin air. They were travelers who had been in Ursatavia during the time

not "during the time". "At the time" or "during the magick ceremony"

of the Magick Ceremony. With them was a young girl

semicolon

she was among the few mages that

had been

were chosen but she had left during the festival

comma; and I think "had not talked to"

so she did not talk to the Magick tester.

Nigel had let them in and talked with them until the sun came up. Upon hearing the voices, Mia and the others got up from their rooms groggily.

“Uncle, care to introduce us to these people?” questioned Azerath.

The small child looked at Azerath with wide inquisitive eyes and spoke in Kalnabian.
“My name is Neyuki Sanpuku, sorry to wake you sir.”

Azerath stared at the girl when she mentioned her name, “Sanpuku? You’re a merchant’s daughter right? The one from the festival.”

Neyuki nodded, “That is correct sir.”

Mia grinned, “You have had fun at the festival. Especially since I heard your name called.”

Neyuki nodded again, “Yes, I was chosen to go to the Magick School, but my islands

island's

leader wants me to go to the Crystal Spire Guild first.”

Arien asked aloud “Don’t you think it’s weird.

no period

That both of the leaders said we had to go to the Crystal Spire Guild?”

Everyone in the room looked at each other. It was weird. Why had the young mages been chosen? Why did they have to go to the guild? It was as if the leaders knew more than they were sharing. Mia thought a bit and then ran to the room that her

"that she, Rose and Arien"

, Rose and Arien were sharing.

Neyuki grew curious , “Where did that girl go off to?”

Azerath, “Oh, Mia? I think she went back to her room to get something. By the way, my name’s Azerath. The other two girls are Arien and Rose.”

Mia returned to the room carrying the Communication sphere that Adenydd had given her. Crossing the room, she put it on a table. Mia began to concentrate and said.

“I need to speak to Adenydd of Ursatavia.”

Slowly the sphere grew brighter as Adenydd’s face appeared upon it’s

no apostrophe (illogical, but "its" is the only possessive that doesn't take one)

surface.

“Oh Mia,

no capital "W"

What‘s wrong?” asked Adenydd.

“There is more than going to the guild

comma

isn’t there

comma

Ma’am.”

Sighing Adenydd replied, “I was hoping you wouldn’t figure it out until you got there.”
She bowed her head for a moment and then looked at them, “There is a Prophecy of the world falling to darkness.”

Mia nodded, “I know the prophecy you speak of.” She began to recite the prophecy;

“A world will fall to shadows

comma

darkness and despair.
A golden maiden will suffocate from darkness’ touch.
Heroes from far and wide will be the light of hope.
Guided by loyalty and faith one will betray

semicolon

will others remain true.

question mark

They shall journey to the heart of the world and free the light from the dark.”

Adenydd nodded, “That is correct Mia. A few nights ago, I had a prophetic dream. It told me who the Heroes would be. The ones marked with the Elemental symbols of Mana.”

“You mean,

I don't think they think of themselves as sufficiently important to warrent a capital "U", yet

Us?” inquired Mia.

“Yes I do. Please forgive me

semicolon

I had no choice but to send you.”

“Why do you ask of

for?

forgiveness Ma’am?” Mia was slightly puzzled.

“Because it may already be too late, but you have to try. You cannot just give up. Prophecy states that you will be the Heroes. All of us here in Ursatavia believe in you.”

With Adenydd’s words the Communication sphere’s picture faded.

"The sextet"?

Sextet looked at each other in wonder. The mystery of the symbols had been revealed. What would become of them now that they knew the truth?

You thought you'd got away with it because I was away on holiday, didn't you?

[Enadil Moonweaver]

^_^ Actually I was hoping you'd post some corrections. ^_^ I'll correct chapter three and then rewrite chapter four.

[WriterDoug]

This could be more of an opinion than criticism, but this just doesn't really do anything for me.

What you have here in this chapter sounds almost like an abridged version to the introduction of any videogame I have ever played where a young hero/ine (or two, or three or four) is enlightened of a prophecy and must go out into the world. It is incredibly formulaic in that regard.

I certainly get "weirded out" when your characters are quick to recite the prophecy, almost as if they have been rehearsing from the script and know it is their cue to tell the reader about it. To me, they are reading more like actors trapped on a cardboard stage than characters set in a fantasy world.

There is a bright note to this. I know virtually nothing of your intentions with the story, its plot further on down the road, all the twists and turns you might wish take, etc so it may in fact end up being a truly kickass story, but I do not feel like it is starting off in the right direction. It just need something done to it so it does not start off like every other prophecy tale that we have heard.

Remember how important the beginning is. It may set the stage for everything you do from here on out, and this can include allowing your mind to grow, or forcing you into rigid and predictable patterns that are not easy to fix later in the process!

cheers,
WD

[Enadil Moonweaver]

I guess i chould change it from mia knowing the prophecy to Mia having Adenydd explain it . **ponders** Always room for improvement.