Finished my rewrite

[Virtual_Space]

Tell me what you think. Im 17 and need some opinions.

"I wander through the galaxy, with one purpose and one goal. To find Earth, the one place all wish to exist. While many have lost hope, I have not. Some may view me as an aging fool, attempting write himself into the history books before he passes from the world. I am out to prove them wrong, and secure my place amongst the great visionaries this galaxy has to offer.

Joseph Keldan
31/12/3152
End of Daily Log


Joseph got up from the computer and surveyed the room, still unacustomed to his surroundings. The walls were made of a thick, reinforced steel, rusted over from the ravages of time. The room housed only a simple computer terminal, a makeshift bed and a small sink with a cracked mirror hanging above. He walked over to the mirror, his heavy boots clanging against the bare metal floor.

In the mirror Joseph saw a shell of a man, one quickly losing his place in the galaxy. His blue eyes staring back at him, judging his every action and thought. They viewed him as the eyes of all others viewed him, a failure, an old man with nothing to show for his many years in the galaxy.

He brushed his unkempt hair, then tied it back in a ponytail as was his style. Neatness and fashion was of little use where Joseph was.

Joseph quickly opened the door to his quarters, the biometric scanner taking several times to register his handprint as usual. It then proceeded to open in a slow, choppy motion, taking several seconds before Joseph could squeeze through.

He stepped through the doorway into a snaking mess of corridors that seemed to have no end. Water dripped onto Joseph's head as he walked and the humidity was near unbearable. The sound his heavy boots made as the touched down on the metal grating below echoed throughout the hallways and the coil of wires below shook with every impact.

As Joseph walked through the long and twisting corridors of the station his thoughts turned to his surroundings. The walls were constantly moist and hot to the touch and the air smelled of rotten eggs. "Why would Telmaria send me to such a remote sector?" Joseph thought to himself, "Were they really that desperate to get rid of me after the accident? It wasn't my fault, why can't they just see that? Now I'm stuck on this heap of scrap."

Joseph eventually reached his destination, the station's bar. The bar was like the rest of the station, small and cramped. A small monitor hung in the corner of the room and makeshift tables were strewn about the room. As he walked through the open doorway he saw his friend Takeshi Kagao sitting at the bar. Joseph could see he was drinking Groban Ale, a highly illegal substance. He approached the bar and sat down.

"Hello there, my old friend. How is the galaxy treating you?" Takeshi asked Joseph as he finished the last of his ale.

"Things have been better, you of all people should no that. I've been stripped of my rank and shipped off to this blasted heap of scrap in the most distant sector of the known galaxy. No one has any respect for me anymore."

"Telmaria will eventually acknowledge thier mistake and give you your old position any day now, its only a matter of time. Most people have already forgotten about the accident." Takeshi paused, knowing he should never have brought up the accident. "Barkeep, another round for me and my friend"

"Thirteen people died and it was all my fault." Joseph said, his spirits obviously sinking.

Both were silent for a moment, neither said a word or uttered a noice of any type. The bartender came over and set two drinks down in front of them.

"I'm sorry, forget I said anything. Hey, drink up. This **** can make any problem go away." Takeshi said in an attempt to break the silence. "I hear you are going to attend one of those Earth research conferences on Tunare. How exactly do you propose to attend, your halfway across the galaxy?"

"I will be there in a sense, I'm going to be there in digital form."

"You couldn't pay me enough to dive through subspace, its not worth it."

"You don't feel anything, its completely painless. Its as if you just warped to a new area in an instant."

"How can you even say what it feels like, your not even human anymore. How much of you is still legitimately human anyways?"

"Less than twenty percent. now. Cyberization is the future, its unfortunate you cant see that. You could live a much longer and easier life if you just accepted the times."

"And lose my humanity in the process? Forget it. I'm going to head back to my quarters, its almost curfew time anyways. I will see you tommorow." Takeshi whipped around and left in a flash, obviously irritated and annoyed. He was through the doorway and gone before Joseph could say a word.

"I never was one to back out of a fight" Joseph mumbled to himself as he let out a little chuckle.
"Barkeep, put these on my tab, I'm going to need them."

A half hour later Joseph arrived back at his quarters. He sat down at the computer terminal and checked the news as he did every night. Nothing but the usual, pirate raids on distant outposts, the everyday poitical scandal and freelance pilots attempting to take on the Groban empire. Joseph didn't care about any of it, all of his thoughts were focused on the conference.

"Tommorow is the day, I will finally get the recognition I deserve. Then those fools will see how much I am worth to them." Joseph thought to himself. "They will see what fools they were for sending me here." Joseph then drifted off into sleep, still seated at the computer terminal.

[Faceless Woman]

How many times?

His blue eyes staring back at him, judging his every action and thought.

Stared, stared, stared. Otherwise, change the previous full stop to a comma.

Of little use here, not where Joseph was.

It wasn't my fault,

followed by

it was all my fault

does not work.

"I never was one to back out of a fight"

How is he fighting? If there was a fight, I missed it.

Am I supposed to like Joseph? Because I don't.

On the bright side, you put across a lot of information without just dumping it on the reader, and doing so in conversation is a good technique. We also get a good look at Joseph, and although I don't like him, I do want to know more about him. I do like Takeshi, and would like to know more about him.

You may not want to take advise from me anyway. The one time I posted something here, I accidentally changed names halfway through. Oops.

[The Technophobe]

The Technophobe wanders in, has a look around, sits down and pulls a ginger snap from his pocket. Looks at the ginger snap and takes a bite. Chews slowly, then says " Well done for having the ambition to write, you have already shown wisdom by asking for advice (especially intelligent as well, as there is no better place to recieve it than here). Are you trying to convey a sense of Joseph being alone? As this was my first impression or just trying show Joseph's isolation? Any way keep at it as there will be plenty of advice coming your way" Tech then stands up, looks around for Hoopy, who is nowhere in sight, takes a rope from out of his pocket and proceeds to climb the rope, at the top of the rope promptly disappears

[Virtual_Space]

Originally Posted by Faceless Woman

How many times? Stared, stared, stared. Otherwise, change the previous full stop to a comma.

Of little use here, not where Joseph was.

followed by does not work.


How is he fighting? If there was a fight, I missed it.

Am I supposed to like Joseph? Because I don't.

On the bright side, you put across a lot of information without just dumping it on the reader, and doing so in conversation is a good technique. We also get a good look at Joseph, and although I don't like him, I do want to know more about him. I do like Takeshi, and would like to know more about him.

You may not want to take advise from me anyway. The one time I posted something here, I accidentally changed names halfway through. Oops.

thanks for your help, I really appreciate it. Also, no, your not supposed to like Joseph. Im trying to make him out as a miserable old man at first then change him over the course of the book. Also the fight part I canged up, I mde him say he was never one to back out of an argument. I still might need to add more to the conversation though.

[Dean F. Wilson]

Hey,

I'm a little caught for time, so I'll comment on the journal entry first and do a crit of the rest during the week.

Originally Posted by Virtual_Space

Some may view me as an aging fool, attempting [to] write himself into the history books before he passes from the world. I am out to prove them wrong, and secure my place amongst the great visionaries this galaxy has to offer.

Firstly, you're missing a "to". Secondly, he says people think he's just trying to write himself into the history books, and that he'll prove them wrong and (effectively) secure his place in the history books. At least, that is what that last line means to me, so I cannot see him proving anyone wrong in this instance, but right. I suggest rewriting it.

Keep writing

-D

[Virtual_Space]

I just started the second chapter, give me your opinion on it so far.

Joseph awoke early the next day to the sound of the stationwide alarm. Joseph rushed to the door and peered into the hallway. The smell of smoke permeated the air and the distant glimmer of a raging fire could be seen in the eastern corridor. The sounds of distant gunshots could be heard coming from the direction of the fire. Soon an unfamiliar voice came over the loudspeaker.

"Attention all workers, we are under attack by the Groban Empire. Fires reported on decks three through seven. Groban centurions have infiltrated deck four. All workers are to proceed to the nearest weapons locker and equip themselves. All escape pods are offline, our only chance is to repel the invaders."

"****, why would they attack here of all places?" Joseph mumbled to himself, "The war is over, they would be fools to attack now."

Smoke continued to fill the corridor, cutting off all visibility and breathable air. The glimmer to the east grew stronger and the sound of distant fighting grew less frequent.

Joseph ran down the western hall as quickly as he could, desperately trying to escape the oncoming hoade of soldiers barreling down the halls. The sounds of his fellow workers screams echoed through the halls, a grim reminder of what may become his fate.

Eventually he reached the gun locker, only to find it empty, its ammo and weaponery completely stripped away. He was unarmed and alone during a major assault from the most powerful miitary force in the galaxy.

He continued to run through the halls, by now he had resigned himself to his fate. He ran, and ran until he reached the most fortified position on the station, the reactor room. Several people had already barricaded themselves in the room, a last ditch effort at survival. Joseph was too late, one of the men tossed him a rifle before filling the last gap in the barricade. Joseph then heard a sound he wshed he would never hear again, a high pitched screech, the call of the Groban centurion.

A whole squadron of centurions rushed through the halls towards him. Soon they parted, each taking up a position along the sides of the hall. Soon a figure emerged, one cloaked in darkness, with an aura of pure death and destruction surrounding him.

"Nice to see you again Joseph, I never thought we would meet again. I see the war has left you a broken man. Such a pity, I was going to break you personally."

"Who are you, I have never seen you before. I was never in the war, I was a scientist." Joseph replied with an air of trepidation in his voice.

"You may not know me, but I know you. More than you will ever fathom."

In an instant, a shot rang out through the halls and peirced Joseph's upper chest. He fell to the ground, sure he would soon be dead. Then in a flash, it was all over.

Joseph found himself sitting at the same terminal he had fell asleep in the night before, It was a dream, a relic of his past returning, seeking revenge. Joseph never had dreams, this was the first in years.

Joseph decided to disregard the dream for the time being. He felt no reason to even consider it anything more than a dream, the idea it might be a sign never even crossed his mind.

[chrispenycate]

Joseph ran down the western hall as quickly as he could, desperately trying to escape the oncoming hoade

horde

of soldiers barreling down the halls. The sounds of his fellow workers

workers'

screams echoed through the halls, a grim reminder of what may become his fate.

Eventually he reached the gun locker, only to find it empty, its ammo and weaponery completely stripped away. He was unarmed and alone during a major assault from the most powerful miitary force in the galaxy.

weaponry; and I find "ammo" (a contraction of "ammunition"), however well it might fit in certain stories, a trifle over slangy for here.

You use the name "joseph" too often ; as he's the only character specified, surely, some of them could be replaced by "he"s, or passive forms.

Joseph found himself sitting at the same terminal he had fell asleep in the night before, It was a dream, a relic of his past returning, seeking revenge.

Joseph found himself sitting at the same terminal he had fell asleep at the night before. It had been a dream, a relic of his past returning, seeking revenge.

I hope you need this segment; including dream sequences has a tendency to dilute story flow (though the ability to introduce information without actually telling people, or having a conversation between two protagonists telling each other things they both already know can make it worthwhile).

[Virtual_Space]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

hordeworkers'
weaponry; and I find "ammo" (a contraction of "ammunition"), however well it might fit in certain stories, a trifle over slangy for here.

You use the name "joseph" too often ; as he's the only character specified, surely, some of them could be replaced by "he"s, or passive forms.
Joseph found himself sitting at the same terminal he had fell asleep at the night before. It had been a dream, a relic of his past returning, seeking revenge.

I hope you need this segment; including dream sequences has a tendency to dilute story flow (though the ability to introduce information without actually telling people, or having a conversation between two protagonists telling each other things they both already know can make it worthwhile).

Well first off the dream sequence didnt exactly reveal much of anything, and I am planning on doing quite a lot with it. Secondly, thanks for all the advice>

[Faceless Woman]

This is good. I like this. I have no complaints that Chris hasn't already mentioned.
I never found that dream sequences dilute the flow. IMO they add depth to it.
You do need to stop saying Joseph so much, though.