How to?

[Sketti]

Hallo

So, I've been writing this story for my youngest sister that I kinda would like to turn into a publishable novel. I only have a first draft of the first few chapters (I'm inventing everything as I go). I like the premise and I know where I want it to go.
My problem is that I want it to be YA or even just A which I think would make it more interesting that just a kid's book. The novel is supposedly the journal of a precocious 10 year old boy from a fantasy world. I enjoy writing the youthful voice but I feel like it's much too youthful and will probably end up boring YA/A readers. Especially since I can't really start in medias res because it's a journal that starts on the day he gets the book. How far do you think I can carry the young voice? Because of the plot I can't really get rid of the 1st person narration since the journal is the key plot element.

I could use some advice about writing in journal mode.

[Dean F. Wilson]

Maybe you can post an extract so we can see what it's like? I'd hate to generalise about this and find that you're style really works with this, you know?

-D

[Sketti]

Here's a bit of the very beginning.

I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do now. I have never had a journal before today. I always thought journals were for girls to write all that silly, mushy, girly stuff they like to talk about all the time. I wonder if they mention me often in their diaries. I hope not, really, considering how mean they can be in my face, it scares me what they might be writing for themselves. It is not like I can help that I have big ears and different colored eyes! I did not ask for the looks I have but they keep acting like I do it on purpose! Argh! I really do not like girls. Well, some are okay but only to look at.
The shopkeeper did say I should write down my “adventures” in the journal. I do not really have anything very worthwhile to write though. I mean, I could always write down about the many clever ways I found to stay clear of Algon, my nemesis. I could also write about everything I have discovered in the school since I have explored a lot of it. There are plenty of places that most people do not go to anymore since they are not really needed. The torture chambers are really interesting for example. To be honest though, I do not go there very often. Well, I only went once really then ran away when a skeleton collapsed on me when I bumped into it in the darkness. I still have nightmares about that. I do not know if I should call those adventures though. There are no wicked warlocks or crazed maniacs with a magical sword out to get me or even a secret council that recruited me as an assassin apprentice. Overall, my life at the Royal University School is more like a haunting with me being the ghost. I have my problems but overall I go by unnoticed. I suppose it is because there are much easier targets for bullies than me.
My main problem is Algon. Just today he was loitering around the mathematics wing, waiting for me most likely since he dropped math two years ago. He is fourteen, four years older than me, and I cannot figure out why I annoy him so much. As far as I can remember, I never did anything to him. I do not think we have ever even talked more than a couple of words to each other. Of course, he talks at me a lot but it is never what you might call a conversation. I would like to say that he does not intimidate me but since this is my journal I suppose I should tell the whole truth and admit that I am terrified by him. I think I would rather face the skeleton in the torture chamber again rather than find myself alone with Algon in the Whithel Lily Gardens.
It is because of Algon that I decided to skip math class today and go to town instead. I am not allowed to go to town whenever I want obviously but it has never stopped me before. I get out through the servants’ entrance near the stables. Ferald’s older brothers showed it to him and then he showed it to me. It is never locked so the cook can send the kitchen maids to the market when he needs something. I miss Ferald, he was the grandson of a merchant in town and had to leave with his parents when the grandfather decided he wanted to trade down in the Allied Free Islands and ordered his son to go there with his whole family. He was the best friend I ever had. He still writes to me occasionally. He likes it over there but has to study with a tutor along with his brothers and sisters so he does not make many friends. Not that he ever did. Ferald, like me, never really fits in anywhere.
I happen to know that the Principal also uses that door sometimes to sneak out in evening. I followed him once. He has a bad left eye so all I really needed to do was stay far enough back and to the left and he would not see me. He went into Mrs. Morden’s house. Sweetness Morden is a widow who lives on her own in a mansion on a path off to the side of the main road down to the town. It is a very wooded area and the houses are far enough apart that the neighbors probably had no idea that the Principal visited her quite often. They say that she is an unregistered witch, maybe even a necromancer and that she turned her husband into a fancy doorknob. I do not know if it is true. I rather hope it is not true or a lot of the women in town will find themselves without husbands either.

[Pointfinder]

Sorry, but this really isn't working for me at all. The overall theme is, to me, completely unbelievable. I dont know of any 10 yr old boyswho keep a journal and certainly not in a cohesive or continual manner. Furthermore, the entries sound more typical of what a 10 yr old girl might write. Boys dont talk about who thinks what of them and whos mad at who, whos not talking to who, etc. Maybe you could switch it around so that the protagonist is a 10 yo girl instead.

Additionally your writing needs much polishing! For example:

"considering how mean they can be in my face,"

This just sounds very amatuerish and juvenile. I understand this is supposed to be the journal of a 10 yo boy, but that doesnt preclude him from being capable of writing well. How 'bout:

"considering how terribly they treat me when I'm around,"

I dont want to discourage you from writing, but this is high school level at best. Concerning your question as to the YA and writing in first person, I see no reason why this couldn't work the whole book through provided it is well written. Please keep working on it because I think overall it sounds like a great idea. Just my 2c.

[Dean F. Wilson]

While it is more common for girls to keep diaries, and for them to talk in this manner, it still does not exclude boys from doing likewise. If the boy is particularly sensitive, I can imagine that this would be a good way of showing that (i.e. from him being a bit "girly" *rolls eyes at the term*).

I do agree with Pointfinder on some of the phrasing you use, Sketti, but mainly because you have some sentences that sound more mature and then others that might me more typical of a child (I'm not sure if a 10 year old would put "adventures" in quotation marks, for example). This shifting will create problems for your reader, but can easilly be overcome with some rewriting. I do, however, like how your character goes back and forth on his thoughts, like he's just realising them on the spot, which does feel like the appropriate style for the age to me.

This can definitely work, so I encourage you to keep up with it. If you are really worried about what your target audience of YAs might think, then the best advice I can give is to get a youth (or two [or ten]) to read it (or an extract) and tell you what they think.

Keep at it!

-D

[SpaceShip]

One point that jumps out is it's staccato approach. Instead of I am, I have, I do not, etc - perhaps I'm, I've and I don't might be better - its the way we speak! Just a thought.

[Sketti]

This is only a very early first draft I see most of the problems you point out as well. I'm kinda experimenting with the format at this point since I have never written in journal form. As for the boy, he is indeed very sensitive and I intend him to be so.
It's really a pretty complicated format to write in, IMO. I'm good at writing young children but not from a 1st person perspective. I've been considering making him older because right now I'm constantly worried about whether he sounds too old or too young...

[The Pelagic Argosy]

You wouldn't necessarily have to stick with this journal approach as your story matures. Maybe right now you are just trying to get into your character's head and find out where his story is, and then you can start over in a more conventional format.

My major problem with what you've written so far is that you have this kid start out, "I'm not really interested in writing a journal. There's nothing special about me. My life is boring. I have nothing to write about." I'm not a child psychologist, but I don't think 10 year olds voluntarily stick with activities that they have zero interest in. Also, if he's so average and uninteresting, why should I continue reading?

But I know where you're coming from with the youthful voice thing. I once started a novel where the first-person narrator was a 12-year-old girl. I was several chapters in when I gave it to my husband to read. He said, "Kids don't sound like that." I guess the diction level I was aiming for was way, way too young. (I think he wanted more swearing.) And by then this particular voice I'd chosen was so ingrained that I couldn't change it.

I guess that's not a particularly encouraging story.