Prophecy of Widar, poems

[Enadil Moonweaver]

I am currently stuck on which one flows better. Also please tell me you opinions.
Prophecy of Widar. Version one.

Long ago an Elvin maiden foretold
the coming of ten saviors. It was said
they would be found when the lands
were torn apart by war and clans
fought against clans.

And so it was for a hundred years
clans fought with other clans, hoping
the legend would come true. But Alas they
waited in vain, Hoping against hope
Priestess Revara assured them that the
prophecy would come true.

One hundred years they had waited
and fought and finally it happened the
blue moon appeared in the sky. Soon the
search would begin when the humans came of age
one by one the leaders searched their lands,
and come up with ten humans.


Prophecy of Widar version two

Ancient and most majestic land
torn by war she cries for saviors.
From lips pure and unstained
a prophecy was spoken and
spread through out the land.
Humans would find and gather the
royal treasures. They would restore
the peace to this land.
With no sign of truth forgetfulness
ensued and the land’s children fought.
The war of Widar raged on
and then it happened. The first
signs of the humans of legend
appeared in the sky, the land’s
children watched and waited
twenty years hath passed.
A search began for the
humans of legend, across her
lands the they were sought and found.
Spoken from the same source
of the prophecy was an ominous warning,
evil ones would seek the royal
treasures to claim Widar as their own kingdom.
Through trial and error through
survival and peril they with emerge victorious.
Erected will be a stone circle to
signal the unity of the land.
The Royal treasures would be
bestowed upon one who hath proven
worthy of the throne.

[chrispenycate]

When writing epic verse, thou must
Keep rhythm constant; nor allow a term
To break mnemonic flow.
Your words too free, too modern, lack the thrust
And neither hold word flow in channel firm
Nor force organic grow

Illiterate, the future bard
Holds to the tale the beat defines
Though generations pass
Its music holds its message hard
No minor drift can move its rhymes
Rigid, engraved on brass

In law, in prophesy, tales must
Go through the ages without change
And to that end no word
May break the chain, disturb the dust,
no order may it rearrange
No difference is heard

Sorry about that; it just hits me from time to time, normally I'm over it pretty fast.
If you want to give the impression of a saga, a pre-literate memory aid, then you need a solid, repetitive rhythm. Your first piece starts off with a nice "Hiawatha" rhythm : Long ago an Elvin maiden then falls apart with the "foretold", and never really really finds a rhythm again; mixes of iambs and troics, it ought to flow.
The second doesn't even try to build a rhythm; individual lines might scan quite nicely, then the following with different stress pattern, a different number of sylables. To get the feel of a memorised, ritual intonation, itshould carry the listener forward with a simple, repetitive beat, something that can't be forgotten.
Now you see why I generally avoid critiquing poetry.
*copies first version into computer and considers rewriting it in dactylic heptameter as an exercise*

[Enadil Moonweaver]

Heh I'd like to see what you'd come up with ^_^. Yea this was for a fantasy rpg I'm working on called Circle's legend. I guess my brain was a bit shot when I tried to write it. I didn't like either version and i had no idea why.