Fantasy Prologue

[Green]

Hey all. This is the prologue to a book I've been writing for some time, now. The book isn't finished yet, but I've decided to see what people think of this prologue. It's had a couple of rewrites, and it's been shortened a hell of a lot (those of you who read it on the Malazan forums last year might notice how much it has changed ).

All comments are welcome, but please be specific - if it doesn't grab your attention, please try and say why. If parts are not working, or need more work, please try and give me an idea of what the problem is. "It's good," "parts are alright" or "it's dull" aren't very helpful.

It intentionally has an element of mystery in it, and you're not supposed to get it all at this point.... is this a problem? Should it have more pre-amble? If so, please say.

I'm going away for a few days in a couple of hours, so I probably won't be able to answer questions or respond to comments before I get back, but thanks to all who take the time to read and post. All help is much appreciated

********

It was blood, he realised. That thick taste at the back of his throat.

Where am I?

The Third tried to raise his head, but was struck again. All thought was washed from his mind as waves of crippling Sha’ak energies bathed his body. They screamed through him, re-moulding his existence, threatening to break his grip on his own form and rend mind from structure.

He cried out then, or imagined he had. He began to slip away, almost releasing his possessed body in instinctive submission.

When the flows retreated, he realised he was lying prostrate on warm stone, lights popping in his vision like rainbow bubbles. The Glidal portal gaped before him, calm in its denial of their laws. The temple. The jungle! I remember, now. I came here with a message. It seemed his words were unwelcome. He could not see the temple roof above his head, though whether this was a result of the darkness or his failing vision, he could not decide. Probably both.

His assailant stepped from the shadowed corner and approached his broken body. The man made no sound, barring the brushing of sandalled feet upon cracked tiles.

The Third rolled his eyes towards him, fighting the urge to empty his stomach. He felt the waves of form unfolding before him, warping the air. His arms twitched and cramped; he knew any attempt to move would only bring more pain. He wanted to scream in fear and outrage, but he was too weak to fight back. So much power! So strong…

The Third steadied himself as he looked upon the familiar face. Familiar as rain, though millennia had passed since they last met. That face denied all they had ever learned, all they had ever known. ‘How is it possible?’ he asked, wincing as more muscles seized.

‘How is anything possible?’ the figure replied, his smile fading but his eyes never wavering. Those once-human globes were now milk-pale and soft, the humanity within stretched and diluted. The Third knew the effect well - his own eyes carried the same trait, though to a lesser degree.

‘Don’t play games with me,’ the Third said. ‘Do you―’ he winced as cramp arced its way through his body. ‘Do you know how serious this is? Do you understand what you’ve done?’

The figure stood with his hands clasped behind his back, cloak flapping gently in some unfelt breeze. ‘It appears you are no longer in the position to ask questions, old friend.’

‘We were never friends,’ the Third spat. ‘The word betrays your failings. It betrays your decay.’ It reminds me of my own.

The Glidal doorway threw pools of gentle azure light across the room, dappled by pockets of cold darkness. The Third ached for the softness of that light – a sight forbidden to him for many years and one his heart had secretly yearned for. Unwanted thoughts stole into his mind on disregarded winds. Things are going to change.

‘Despite your misgivings,’ his assailant said, ‘we find you here, at my feet. The right to question is now mine, I believe.’ He knelt at the Third’s side, held his ageless face close. ‘Where is he?’ he asked, through gritted teeth.

‘Who?’

‘Where is the Fire-Dancer?’

The Third almost choked on his own spittle. ‘Have you lost your mind after all these years? The Fire-Dancer is dead. They’re all dead.’

The figure sighed and turned away. He began to pace around the Third’s body, gentle footsteps tapping on stone slabs. ‘Not all of them – I am proof enough of that. The shadows grow long again as night falls. They will rise to greet the darkness.’

They will never rise again, the Third thought, through mudded breaths. We made sure of that. What game is played here? Why am I so… afraid? Why do I feel at all? Oh fathers, what is happening to me? He grew weaker with each moment, as one more mortal coil enfolded him. ‘Why did you attack me?’ His words were barely audible, even to himself.

‘I thought you would be him.’ The words were laced with ice. ‘Alas, it seems he is as resourceful as ever. Why are you here?’

‘Something old and powerful stirs from within.’ He grew weary, closed his eyes. ‘You would not answer our call, and so I came. We had no idea you had done this to yourself. To yourselves’

‘As was my intention, after all.’

Neither spoke for a time and the only sound the Third could hear was blood rushing in his ears. ‘The others must hear of this, Derosed.’

The figure ceased his pacing and turned to the Third, anger flaring briefly in his lifeless eyes. ‘No. That I will not allow. Too much weight sits with this untimely interruption. I had hoped that none of this would be necessary, old friend, but you leave me no choice. You will not be allowed to leave... by any means’

‘I fear there is little you can do to prevent that, now.’

‘Then it makes little difference, I suppose.’

The Third had faced and experienced death many times before, though always in a disconnected, uninterested fashion. For the first time, he was experiencing it from the human perspective, unable to detach reason from raw emotion. He realised the binds truly were failing, and the thought flooded his heart with grief. He would not allow himself to be consumed by it – there was something he had to know before he slipped into darkness.

‘So it’s true, then?’ he asked, with failing breath. ‘A new war approaches?’

The figure seemed confused for a moment, perhaps considering the idea for the first time. ‘No,’ he said. ‘The old war is ending.’

[Sparker]

Hiya Green,

I really liked and enjoyed this from start to finish. I particularly found the mixture between dialogue and the thoughts going through 'the Third's' mind very well done. Especially the line... 'the word betrays your failings. It betrays your decay.' It reminds me of my own.' Excellent stuff.

Also, I love the way you've ended this and it strengthens the fact that this has prologue written all over it. The mystery factor is evident but I didn't suffer at all from this so I don't think you've much to worry about there.

If I am going to suggest one thing it was where you've put... 'the others must hear of this, Derosed.' Is Derosed the figures name? Or a term I'm unfamiliar with? If it's his name it seemed a little out of place when you haven't named him before or after this bit. If it's a term of some kind... apologies for my lack of knowledge... perhaps you could enlighten me when you get back.

Kind regards, Sparker

[Mouse]

I agree with Sparker about the way you've done the Third's thoughts. Liked that a lot.
Just one minor thing, can lifeless eyes show anger?! To me, saying that his eyes are lifeless means there's nothing there at all, no emotion.

[Lacedaemonian]

What can I say mate? I have known you for quite a long time and know that you are very intelligent and have a superbly sharp mind. However, I am still surprised by this piece. It far exceded my expectation of you. I would read this story not because of the great affection I have for you but because it is simply brilliant. The prose run very comfortabley. Felt like I was just skimming the page due to the absense of any jarring or crappy Sci fi patter. I reread the piece and it felt like I was skimming again. I would read this story even if paulybest1 had written it.

I do agree with Sparker with regards Derosed, though I assumed I would find out in the following chapter and give it no thought. I did however pause at this point. Not totally sure why. I think if I am to be brutally honest I think it was because I was not comfortable with the name. But then I do not really know what the name indicates so will reserve judgement.

This piece had enough suspense and potential revelation, and was written with such perfection that I have no doubt whatsoever that it could be published. Assuming that what follows matches this in quality. Thanks for sharing this with me.

PS I was talking to Vic the other night and she said she will marry the lead singer from Razorlight. I asked her what he was called just testing her out. She said Jonny Razorlight. From now on she will name all of my characters.

BTW Vic is my fiance and not, as I am sure many of you have assumed, my retarded little sister.

[Green]

Thanks to all who commented - you've helped raise a couple of good points

Originally Posted by Sparker

If I am going to suggest one thing it was where you've put... 'the others must hear of this, Derosed.' Is Derosed the figures name? Or a term I'm unfamiliar with? If it's his name it seemed a little out of place when you haven't named him before or after this bit. If it's a term of some kind... apologies for my lack of knowledge... perhaps you could enlighten me when you get back.

Aye, it is the guy's name, and you've got a good point. I wanted to drop the name in because it's mentioned again later on and I want a tiny bell to ring in the reader's head. Derosed himself does not actually make another appearance until the final third of the book, by which point the reader will see where the prologue fits in properly.

I agree it seems a bit out of place. I can either drop it, or bring it in a lot more, use it all the time in this piece. I'd rather drop it, I think, because I don't want to hit the reader over the head with the guy.

[Green]

Originally Posted by Mouse

I agree with Sparker about the way you've done the Third's thoughts. Liked that a lot.
Just one minor thing, can lifeless eyes show anger?! To me, saying that his eyes are lifeless means there's nothing there at all, no emotion.

Short answer: YES!

Long answer: I suppose you're right This is a hangover from an earlier draft where I went on at length about how his eyes became human again as he got emotional. I cut out most of it, but left this in and didn't really think about it. I'll take another look at it and rethink it, cheers Mouse.

[Green]

Originally Posted by Lacedaemonian

the great affection I have for you

I love you too.

Originally Posted by Lacedaemonian

I do agree with Sparker with regards Derosed, though I assumed I would find out in the following chapter and give it no thought. I did however pause at this point. Not totally sure why. I think if I am to be brutally honest I think it was because I was not comfortable with the name. But then I do not really know what the name indicates so will reserve judgement.

Fair enough. I do like the name, though I pronounce it as DEHR-oh-
said. Does it sound crap? Some of my character's names need a serious overhaul, but I do like this one.

Originally Posted by Lacedaemonian

This piece had enough suspense and potential revelation, and was written with such perfection that I have no doubt whatsoever that it could be published. Assuming that what follows matches this in quality. Thanks for sharing this with me.

I'm still a while from finished (Chapter 16 out of 22), and the other stuff isn't at this level, but it will be eventually. Maybe a year or more. Ouch.

Originally Posted by Lacedaemonian

PS I was talking to Vic the other night and she said she will marry the lead singer from Razorlight. I asked her what he was called just testing her out. She said Jonny Razorlight. From now on she will name all of my characters.

She will have to fight Moll for him. Johnny Q. Razorlight. Class

Cheers all!

[Culhwch]

Well after seeing Lace's effusive praise I couldn't help but go back to this piece. Yes, It's probably wrong of me to gauge reactions before committing to the read, but whatever...

I agree with Lace, it reads well. There were one or two moments where I would have chosen a different tact were I writing it....

Originally Posted by Green

It was blood, he realised. That thick taste at the back of his throat.

Where am I?

Strong start, good first line. Nice hook.

The Third tried to raise his head, but was struck again. All thought was washed from his mind as waves of crippling Sha’ak energies bathed his body. They screamed through him, re-moulding his existence, threatening to break his grip on his own form and rend mind from structure.

Re-moulding or remoulding? On rereading the second sentence may be overwritten, but I didn't think so first time through, so it may be a case of over analysis.

He cried out then, or imagined he had. He began to slip away, almost releasing his possessed body in instinctive submission.

When the flows retreated, he realised he was lying prostrate on warm stone, lights popping in his vision like rainbow bubbles. The Glidal portal gaped before him, calm in its denial of their laws. The temple. The jungle! I remember, now. I came here with a message. It seemed his words were unwelcome. He could not see the temple roof above his head, though whether this was a result of the darkness or his failing vision, he could not decide. Probably both.

At this point I had the thought that you might have come into the scene a whisker earlier. It's pretty confusing (to me, at least), though mystery is what you are trying for. It's a bit either way.

The thoughts could be less structured, too, I feel - 'The jungle... the temple. He sorted through a mess of thoughts. The message. I came with the message. It seemed his words were ill recieved.' Something along those lines.

The word choice 'rainbow' doesn't fit the mood, for mine.

His assailant stepped from the shadowed corner and approached his broken body. The man made no sound, barring the brushing of sandalled feet upon cracked tiles.

The second sentence here feels a little clumsy.

The Third rolled his eyes towards him, fighting the urge to empty his stomach. He felt the waves of form unfolding before him, warping the air. His arms twitched and cramped; he knew any attempt to move would only bring more pain. He wanted to scream in fear and outrage, but he was too weak to fight back. So much power! So strong…

I'm not completely sold on 'the Third'... At this point I'm thinking the third what? I get the feeling that'll be made clear soon enough though...?

The Third steadied himself as he looked upon the familiar face. Familiar as rain, though millennia had passed since they last met. That face denied all they had ever learned, all they had ever known. ‘How is it possible?’ he asked, wincing as more muscles seized.

‘How is anything possible?’ the figure replied, his smile fading but his eyes never wavering. Those once-human globes were now milk-pale and soft, the humanity within stretched and diluted. The Third knew the effect well - his own eyes carried the same trait, though to a lesser degree.

I'm not sure about the attribution. Part of me would prefer it to be implied. There was never mention of a smile, so to say it's now fading seems odd. Maybe launch straight into the eyes: ' 'How is anything possible?' The figure fixed him in his gaze. Those once-human...' Clumsy, but hopefully you get the idea.

‘Don’t play games with me,’ the Third said. ‘Do you―’ he winced as cramp arced its way through his body. ‘Do you know how serious this is? Do you understand what you’ve done?’

I'd definitely suggest altering this attribution, just to capatalise the 'he', and seperate the sentences.

The figure stood with his hands clasped behind his back, cloak flapping gently in some unfelt breeze. ‘It appears you are no longer in the position to ask questions, old friend.’

‘We were never friends,’ the Third spat. ‘The word betrays your failings. It betrays your decay.’ It reminds me of my own.

I'll admit that I don't fully get this. Why does using the term 'old friend' betray his failings and decay?

The Glidal doorway threw pools of gentle azure light across the room, dappled by pockets of cold darkness. The Third ached for the softness of that light – a sight forbidden to him for many years and one his heart had secretly yearned for. Unwanted thoughts stole into his mind on disregarded winds. Things are going to change.

‘Despite your misgivings,’ his assailant said, ‘we find you here, at my feet. The right to question is now mine, I believe.’ He knelt at the Third’s side, held his ageless face close. ‘Where is he?’ he asked, through gritted teeth.

‘Who?’

‘Where is the Fire-Dancer?’

The Third almost choked on his own spittle. ‘Have you lost your mind after all these years? The Fire-Dancer is dead. They’re all dead.’

The first sentence of that last par doesn't mesh. For mine, I'd like to see the action that caused the choke - I read it as a laugh that, due to circumstances, came out as a cough. That sentence doesn't do enough.

The figure sighed and turned away. He began to pace around the Third’s body, gentle footsteps tapping on stone slabs. ‘Not all of them – I am proof enough of that. The shadows grow long again as night falls. They will rise to greet the darkness.’

'The shadows grow long as night again falls.'? Seems to flow better.

They will never rise again, the Third thought, through mudded breaths. We made sure of that. What game is played here? Why am I so… afraid? Why do I feel at all? Oh fathers, what is happening to me? He grew weaker with each moment, as one more mortal coil enfolded him. ‘Why did you attack me?’ His words were barely audible, even to himself.

The first sentence is clumsy. 'Thick breaths' is enough description, 'mudded' seems too much. Drop the second comma. And '...thought through [mudded] breaths.' seems a contridaction. How can you think through breaths - thoughts aren't governed by breathing the way speech is. '...as one more mortal coil enfolded him' might be overwritten. Mostly stands out - again - on the reread though.

‘I thought you would be him.’ The words were laced with ice. ‘Alas, it seems he is as resourceful as ever. Why are you here?’

‘Something old and powerful stirs from within.’ He grew weary, closed his eyes. ‘You would not answer our call, and so I came. We had no idea you had done this to yourself. To yourselves’

Full stop.

‘As was my intention, after all.’

Seems not to follow the dialogue. 'It was my intention, after all.' or 'It was my intention, all along.'?

Neither spoke for a time and the only sound the Third could hear was blood rushing in his ears. ‘The others must hear of this, Derosed.’

The name got me, too. Stopped first time through to think about it. Read it 'De-rosed' first time through, turned it over a bit, and settled on 'Dare-roh-zed'. Dehrosed, Daerosed look slightly dodgy. I can't offer an alternative.

The figure ceased his pacing and turned to the Third, anger flaring briefly in his lifeless eyes. ‘No. That I will not allow. Too much weight sits with this untimely interruption. I had hoped that none of this would be necessary, old friend, but you leave me no choice. You will not be allowed to leave... by any means’

The second 'old friend' here seems out of place.

‘I fear there is little you can do to prevent that, now.’

‘Then it makes little difference, I suppose.’

The Third had faced and experienced death many times before, though always in a disconnected, uninterested fashion. For the first time, he was experiencing it from the human perspective, unable to detach reason from raw emotion. He realised the binds truly were failing, and the thought flooded his heart with grief. He would not allow himself to be consumed by it – there was something he had to know before he slipped into darkness.

‘So it’s true, then?’ he asked, with failing breath. ‘A new war approaches?’

The figure seemed confused for a moment, perhaps considering the idea for the first time. ‘No,’ he said. ‘The old war is ending.’

A strong ending, very prologueish. I'd lean towards 'No... The old war comes to it's/an end.' But otherwise.

Hadn't meant to say so much, but I do hope that at least some of it is a help. I did enjoy the piece, and I would really like to read more, if you're inclined to post it...

[Green]

Thanks for the detailed response I think there's a few points where we would disagree on style, so I'll not dwell on them (well spotted with the punctuation mistakes, though)

Originally Posted by Culhwch

At this point I had the thought that you might have come into the scene a whisker earlier. It's pretty confusing (to me, at least), though mystery is what you are trying for. It's a bit either way.

Fair enough. Originally, this scene started much sooner and was a lot longer, but I decided to start with the blood line. I think it feels better, and hope the reader can work out what's going on soon enough.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

The thoughts could be less structured, too, I feel - 'The jungle... the temple. He sorted through a mess of thoughts. The message. I came with the message. It seemed his words were ill recieved.' Something along those lines.

Something to think on - I see what you're getting at.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

The word choice 'rainbow' doesn't fit the mood, for mine.

Same again.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

I'm not completely sold on 'the Third'... At this point I'm thinking the third what? I get the feeling that'll be made clear soon enough though...?

Yup Someone a while back brought up the "Third" and "First" stuff, and I tinkered around, changing to other possible naming conventions. They came out with the same effect, really. The Third (and his kind) does not have a name (Steve, Bob, etc ) and it would not really be right to give him one, so I'll just have to keep tinkering. He is the Third Guardian of the Bautrellam Glidal (commonly known as the Third Proxy), but I didn't want to be sticking that in here. Personally, I'm quite happy with it how it is, but I might slip in the odd "Third Guardian" or "Third Proxy."

Originally Posted by Culhwch

There was never mention of a smile, so to say it's now fading seems odd.

I think that may be another hangover from an earlier draft, so I'll fix that.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

I'll admit that I don't fully get this. Why does using the term 'old friend' betray his failings and decay?

You would find this out later, though it would be a case of osmosis more than outright explanation.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

The first sentence of that last par doesn't mesh. For mine, I'd like to see the action that caused the choke - I read it as a laugh that, due to circumstances, came out as a cough. That sentence doesn't do enough.

It was a laugh, coming out as a cough This line isn't perfect, I know. I struggled between phrasing. At one point, it was something like "he almost choked in incredulity" which got dumped heavily on the cutting room floor. I'll rethink this line at a later date.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

The first sentence is clumsy. 'Thick breaths' is enough description, 'mudded' seems too much. Drop the second comma. And '...thought through [mudded] breaths.' seems a contridaction. How can you think through breaths - thoughts aren't governed by breathing the way speech is. '...as one more mortal coil enfolded him' might be overwritten. Mostly stands out - again - on the reread though.

Once again, I'll look at this sentence. I don't have a problem with it, personally, but I see what you're saying.

Originally Posted by Culhwch

The name got me, too. Stopped first time through to think about it. Read it 'De-rosed' first time through, turned it over a bit, and settled on 'Dare-roh-zed'. Dehrosed, Daerosed look slightly dodgy. I can't offer an alternative.

100% hit ratio on the "disliking-the-name-ometer." Nice

Originally Posted by Culhwch

I would really like to read more, if you're inclined to post it...

I'm afraid the rest of it isn't up to standard yet, and there's little point posting it until I've done a rewrite. There are many problems with it that I can sort out myself before posting. Thanks for reading this, though - it's always useful to get more insights, and I was curious as to how my current-level stuff stands up.

[Culhwch]

Originally Posted by Green

Yup Someone a while back brought up the "Third" and "First" stuff, and I tinkered around, changing to other possible naming conventions. They came out with the same effect, really. The Third (and his kind) does not have a name (Steve, Bob, etc ) and it would not really be right to give him one, so I'll just have to keep tinkering. He is the Third Guardian of the Bautrellam Glidal (commonly known as the Third Proxy), but I didn't want to be sticking that in here. Personally, I'm quite happy with it how it is, but I might slip in the odd "Third Guardian" or "Third Proxy."

Just a thought, but perhaps Derosed could name the Third as the Third names Derosed.... 'Ah, the Third Guardian! I've been waiting for you. We meet again, at last...'-style of thing, although without the Star Wars related plagiarism.

100% hit ratio on the "disliking-the-name-ometer." Nice

I never said I disliked it. In fact, said as you envision it, it fits. And it certainly has a uniqueness to it. A pronounciation guide in the appendix would cover you.

I'm afraid the rest of it isn't up to standard yet, and there's little point posting it until I've done a rewrite. There are many problems with it that I can sort out myself before posting. Thanks for reading this, though - it's always useful to get more insights, and I was curious as to how my current-level stuff stands up.

Perfectly understandable. I'm a patient man... I don't mind waiting.

[Tostig]

I think Culhwch covered all my thoughts on the prologue. It was very intriguing; it left me wondering what happened next. Quite easy to fall into the story. But like others mentioned, the name kind of threw me. I think I went over it several times before settling on a pronunciation in my head; but it wasn't DEHR-oh-said; I accented the middle syllable and swallowed the last.

Just an idea, but perhaps as recognition is coming to The Third, he could be struggling with remembering the man's name as well; as a way to get the pronunciation out there.

[Green]

Cheers for the feedback The Third wouldn't actually forget the guy's name (trust me on that ), so I'll just tinker with the name instead. Tbh I'm not fussed how people pronounce it (call him Jimmy if you like), but if it drags people from the story, that's another matter.

[Redhawk]

Originally Posted by Green

Short answer: YES!

Long answer: I suppose you're right This is a hangover from an earlier draft where I went on at length about how his eyes became human again as he got emotional. I cut out most of it, but left this in and didn't really think about it. I'll take another look at it and rethink it, cheers Mouse.

Agreed the "lifeless eyes" bothered me too. However I had no doubt as to the charactor's NAME...that was perfectly clear to me...lmao...ahhh well.

An excellent write...assuredly hooked me and I will be hopeful to see it in print and available so I can enjoy the story in whole! Please push on with this!

[Green]

Cheers for the good will I will definitely finish this (or die!), but I can't really say when. I thought I would have finished by now, but I'm still in the first draft.

Hopefully it will get published one day, but I'm ok if it doesn't - I don't have the drive to be a professional author (other things take precedent). But if it ever gets published, then you can all have signed copies

Ok, back down to ground....