Jokes Of The Day. . .

[Riselka]

Oh Poo!

One Sunday morning at the breakfast table, a little girl asks her father "Daddy, where does poo come from?" Although he is a little perturbed that his daughter is asking awkward questions, he decides that after all it is only natural and there's no point being anything but truthful. So, he thinks for a moment and says:

"Well, you know how we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the little girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff," explains the father, "then whatever is left comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is called poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds, before asking

"What about Tigger?"

[Who's Wee Dug]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Lenny]

Hmmm... another one about a couple and sleeping:

---

A man walks into the bedroom, whilst his wife is in bed, holding a sheep. He puts the sheep on the end of the bed and announces, "You see? This is what I have to sleep with when you've got a headache!"

The mans wife looks at the sheep, then at her husband and says, "I think you'll find, darling, that that's a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find, darling, that I was talking to the sheep".

[BookStop]

Two blondes walk into a bar. The brunette went around it.

Blond's diary:

Monday - got trapped on escalator when electricity went out.

Tuesday - Lost breast stroke competition, other swimmers cheated by using their arms.

Wednesday - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

Thurs - Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6months; box said 2-4 years!

Fri - Hate M&Ms, they are so hard to peel.

[Who's Wee Dug]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and thecooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the nextday it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an English girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling in his face had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

[HardScienceFan]

U R a BB fan then?
Brilliant joke by the way,reminiscent of Python

[HardScienceFan]

Originally Posted by HoopyFrood

Ahahah! Yes, I love Black Books as well! Genius!

My god, another Black Books fan outh there
any favourite episodes?

[HardScienceFan]

Absolutely brilliant!

[Joel007]

Everyone loves black books. People who don't, haven't seen it

[warstarcerberus]

what's the diff of the two??

easy harry the prince rides around in iraq in a tank and the two bush twins
ride around and get tanked!!!.

[Who's Wee Dug]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they went on and on and on and on, finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for fresh blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES YES YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.



"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I f*ckin' didn't!"

[apalehorse]

This is an old one, but I've always liked it.

A man is sitting in a bar on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building in NYC.

Just having a nice quiet drink after a hard days work.

In walks this huge guy. Muscles bulging out all over. He sits next to the man at the bar. When the bartender walks over, the big guy grabs him and demands a bottle of Jack Daniels which he drinks down in 4 or 5 thirsty gulps.

Then the big guy walks over to the window and jumps out...

...and slowly floats back into the bar and into his seat.

The other man is amazed. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," the bigger man explains. "There are crosswinds up here at this time of the day. They push you back in. You can't fall!"

"Would it work for me?"

"Sure!"

So the smaller man walks over to the window, jumps out and falls 86 floors, straight down.

The bartender walks over to the big guy and says, "Ya know, Superman, you're really mean when you get drunk."

[Who's Wee Dug]

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book."

[Ice fyre]

Right rolls up sleeves!

Two roads walk into a bar, the big M8 and his we pal the A1.

M8 grolws around the bar "I'M the biggest road here whit ye got te say aboot it". Three b roads look down into their pints, a dual carriage way slips a protective arm round a foot path he's been seeing.

A1 says "look M8 were here fer a few wee drinks with nae bother ok? Lets just go get a table and I'll go get the drinks in".

He promptly finds a nice table with a nice window view and heads off to get a couple of pints.

After getting the drinks and returning to the table he is shocked to find the M8 the biggest road in the bar quivering under the table.

"whats wrong wi ye noo" says the A1 "what are you the biggest road in the pub scared of!"

M8 just points at a pink slender road who has not long come and says




Look out he's a cycle path! Thank you Ia thank you!

[bruno-1012]

Went into B&Q last night to get some paint.

As I was walking in this guy in an orange jump suit came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking....



I managed to get in the first punch and legged it.