Jokes Of The Day. . .

[SpaceShip]

Huge white horse walks into a bar and asks for a single malt.
Barman pours the malt and, as they do, says to the horse, "Do you know, we've got a whisky in here called after you?"
"Really," the horse replies surprised, "Eric?"

[SpaceShip]

Piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a pint of best.
Barman tells it to clear off as they don't serve string in there.
Piece of string walks back into bar with poncho round its shoulders and a stetson on its head and orders a pint of best.
Barmen tells it to clear off, he's not fooled.
Piece of string ties knot in top of its head, shreds all the bits that stick out of it, walks into the bar again and orders a pint of the best.
You can't fool me, says the barman getting ready to throw it out, you're that piece of string, aren't you.
No, it replies, I'm a frayed knot.

I can take bribes if you want to shut me up!!!!!!!!

[Memnoch]

(lol . . . they made me laugh.)

A Husband buys a birthday present for his wife.
She opens it saying "what the hell do I want with a rocket!!"
The husband retorted . .

"You said you wanted space now SOD OFF!!"

[Joel007]

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.


The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[HoopyFrood]

Slightly better, Ship of Space...but I'd already heard the frayed knot before!

[Memnoch]

Originally Posted by HoopyFrood

Slightly better, Ship of Space...but I'd already heard the frayed knot before!

you spoke to this frayed knot as well as this barman wow . . . what he/she say?

[HoopyFrood]

Very droll, Mem

[Memnoch]

here to please cutie . . . mmmwwwaaughh

[HoopyFrood]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks "why the long face?"
Hehe.

A rabbit goes to a bakery place (lol) and asks for a cheese toastie. The next day he goes in again and asks for a bean toastie. The following day he goes in and asks for a spinach toastie. And so on and so forth, ordering a different toastie everyday...until one day he doesn't come in. The bakery owner of course notices this, and so enquires after the toastie-eating rabbit. Finally someone tells him the bad news that the rabbit has died. The baker asks how. "Mixin'-ma-toasties!" is the reply! (i hasten to add that I got this from my teacher, so blame him, not me!)

[Memnoch]

(lol Groan . . .)

[HoopyFrood]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it!

(NOTE: I do not advocate this kind of behaviour!...but the joke is quite amusing)

[Wolfeborn]

A man asks his son what he would like for his birthday and the boy replies "I want a puppy". The man explains he cant have a puppy as they make too much mess so he takes his son down to the pet shop to choose something else. After a while the boy decides on a tortoise.

They arrive home and the man leaves his son playing with the tortoise while he checks his emails. a few minutes later he rushes downstairs to the wailing of his son. "Whats the matter" the man asks The boy points to his tortoise with tears in his eyes says " Its legs fell off and it's head"

Furious the man storms back to the pet shop demanding another tortoise and asks what kind of shop are the running here. After many appologies the man returns with a brand new tortoise with a promise that this one will not fall appart.

The man hands his stricken boy the new tortoise " there you go son, all better"

The boy grins plucking the tortoise from his fathers hands and exlaims "VROOM, VROOM" as he drags the tortoise across the floor like a toy car.

[HoopyFrood]

Thanks to the Witty Sayings thread, I have finally remembered the joke that has been dancing at the edge of my consciousness for so very long. It's a Woody Allen one, so if you don't like it, send the letters of complaint to him!

"I've had this pain in my chest for a while now. It could be heart burn...probably is...but it could be something worse. But I don't want to go to the doctors because it costs so much to get it checked out. However, my friends got a similar pain, so I convince him to go to the doctors to get it checked out and then I came make my own diagnosis from what the doctor tells him. Anyway...two days later I find out he's dead. I immediately go to the doctors, go through loads of tests, x-rays, everything...costs me about $250. I've got heartburn. I go to visit my friend's grieving mother. I ask her if he suffered much at the end. She replies "Oh no...they say he died the moment the car hit him..."

Hehe...legend.

[Memnoch]

A man walks into a pub, walks to the bar an awaites being served.
The landlord eyeing the unfamiliar newcomer wanders over cleaning a glass
"what'll it be?" rumbled the oh so friendly landlord.
"Meat n potato pie please." came the reply.
Once he recieved and paid for it he put the pie on his head and walks out of the pub with a friendly smile.
The next day the man re-enters the same pub walks to the bar awaits being served. The Landlord eyes him with a little interest
"What will it be today sir?" He asked conversationally
"a Meat n Potato pie please." replied the man with a friendly smile.
The landlord goes to the kitchen to get the pie muttering.
Again as the man gets the pie he puts it on his head and leaves the pub!

This goes on for a little over a week each lunchtime. Always a meat n potato pie always exiting with it balanced on his head.

The next time the man came in the Landlord was determined to get to the bottom of this behavior!

Walking to the bar the man ordered his usual Meat and Potato pie, the landlord with a bit of a smirk explained they had run out of pies due to an order not coming in. The man looks a bit put out but with a smile asks for a pack of cheese an onion crisps instead. The Landlord snatches a packet from a shelf and gives it the man who promptly,pays puts the bag of crisps on his head and turns to leave.

"STOP!" bellowed the puzzled Landlord "Right please tell me WHY have you put those cheese and onion crisps on your head!!"
The startled man looked round . . .


"well because you havent got any meat n potato pies!!"

with that and a smile he turned and left.

[HoopyFrood]

Oh my god that is such an anti climax! I want to know why he puts pies on his head! Argh!