Jokes Of The Day. . .

[Joel007]

"I often get asked 'How do you come up with your jokes?' Well what I do is, I work backwards."
[laughs in a posh way] "Hmmmm, now, what would create that amount of mirth?"

[HoopyFrood]

Haha I love Lee Evans I cold practically quote live at Wembley.
So let's have a go! Lol. Nah, ok some of the better ones I remember. From all of his DVDs (yes I have them all!)

"There's a sign in a park "Warning, car thieves operating in this area" Well where else would they be?! There's two thieves in a field, now: "You'd said there'd be cars here!""

I feel sorry for whales...they keep trying to come ashore, but we keep pushing them back in! [mime's pushing a whale] "Oooh no, back you go!" [Whale:] "But I want to go to the shops!"

Why do they have the snooze button on alarm clocks? Why do they give us that option, they know we're going to use it! "I've had a long sleep...sod it, I deserve a nap!" You wouldn't have one on your fire alarm: "Quick there's a fire!" "Is there? [mime's pressing button] F**k it, eh? We'll burn a bit, we'll burn a bit!"

Why don't they have windows in aeroplane toilets? Who's going to see you 30,000 feet up in the air? [mime's person flapping their arms, peering through window] "or'right mate?" [Mime's someone rushing from the toilet].

What was that thing that your mum would have over the back door? It was like long strips of plastic. You'd still have it on your head by the time you reached the living room. And as it was a real door! Like a burgular's going to walk up with a crowbar and then think "Oh no, I'll never crack that!"

Ahaha, I love him.

[Memnoch]

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He Jumps on the wife kisses her ear then runs to the bathroom.

Husband says to the wife"satisfy him or he'll kill us for sure, I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong, I love you darling!"

Wife replies "He didn't kiss me he whispered in my ear that he's gay and looking for vasaline, I told him it's in the bathroom!! . . .Lets see whos bloody strong now!!!"

[Joel007]

I have 6 lee evans DVDs
and 3 Baileys. Plus the Black Books collection. Ah, classic moments.

What are you going to do Bernard? You can't live on the mushrooms in your hair!

[HoopyFrood]

Ahahah! Yes, I love Black Books as well! Genius!

[Joel007]

"What do you mean I'm not covered for acts of God? So if my car is eaten by a plague of locusts I'm liable for £50 excess?"

[scalem X]

-a man arrives home from work and captures his wife with the neighbour.
man: Damnit how can you do this, why oh my god why (a silence follows) and can you please stop doing that while I'm talking!!

-a man arrives home from work and captures his wife with the neighbour.
man: oh my god how could you?
woman: shh you'd better join us this guy can teach you some.

-a man's sitting in the pub next to his mate:
man: I came home early and I found the neighbour and my wife on the couch.
friend: oh my god, what did you do? Threw your wife out?
man: nah I still love her
friend: threw out your neighbour then?
man: nah he still owes me money and I might never see it back then.
friend: then what did you do?
man: I threw out the couch.

[Memnoch]

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said "we fill up the bath then offer the patient a Teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and then ask them to empty the bathtub." The visitor impressed replied " Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket as that is the biggest!"

The director, eyeing the visitor warily said " No a normal person would pull the bloody plug out. Right I think you'd prefer a room with a garden view!! NURSE!!"

[Rosemary]

New words for 2006 BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Oh, I do like this one! )
ADMINISPHERE.The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes
404. Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND.That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

[SpaceShip]

Bloke's had enough and decides to end it all. Taking as much alcohol as he can, he sways down to the Thames to throw himself in. Lying on the wall beside the Thames he stares up at the stars for the last time before doing it. Then an amazing thing happens. The most fantastically beautiful girl dressed in diamonds and furs rushes up to him and begs him not to commit harry karry. Come home with me, she says. I'll make everything right for you. I'll run a sweet-smelling bath for you and while you're soaking yourself I'll cook you the most sumptuous meal and prepare a table with the finest wines. Everything will be wonderful. Come back with me.
So he goes back with her. Bathes, eats, drinks and then feels cosily wonderful. With drooping eyes, she insists he sleeps in her bed. I'm sorry, she says, I only have one bed but it is huge. You can sleep one side and I'll sleep the other side, back to back. You won't be harmed. So they get into bed and she tells him a bedtime story. Just as he was drifting off to sleep she turns to him and asks him for just one tiny kiss goodnight. So he rolls towards her, and ends up in the Thames!

[HoopyFrood]

Is it just me or........eh?

[SpaceShip]

Sorry Hoopy - but if you don't get it it cannot be explained! However, if you do get it, please let me know. If not here then in the tea room, eh?

[Wilwarin]

Scottish joke for you ...

Two cows in a field - which one's on holiday?


The one with a wee calf.

[fancying_fantasy]

Three guys are standing together, a farmer, Osma Bin Laden, and another fellow. A Genie appears and says I'll grant each of you a wish. The farmer says I want my farm to have fertile lands forever. The Genie says granted. Osma Bin Laden says I want 30 foot tall walls and 30 foot thick walls all around my country. Granted! The last guy asks is it impossible to get out of that place now? No the Genie says. The last guy says fill it with water. Granted!

Someone just told me this not too long ago, if you think I'm horrible for telling it you can hate me.

[Memnoch]

Originally Posted by HoopyFrood

Is it just me or........eh?

lol . . . the punchline is basically sayin "as if . . !!"