Noble Masque..Chapter 1.

[Alcatraz]

OK so I've tweaked Chapter 1, based on the comments given on my Newbie thread.

I've not removed all the 'ape' references as I want to show, as a demon, how much contempt Asmodeus has for humanity, and he uses the term 'ape' in an almost racist context.

This also follows Judeo-Christian 'lore' that Demons were Angels cast out of Heaven for refusing the will of God to bow to humanity as God's greatest creation.

For those of you who read my first draft, enjoy this re-writing (x100 approx), and for those of you who have not read the previous version, your thoughts would be appreciated.

Chapter 1

Some, who are older and wiser, have said that there is something unique about the unassuming black door with no locks, hinges or handles. It is a door, which sits mostly un-noticed, nestled between an all year Christmas shop, and a neighbouring delicatessen.

Indeed the door must have been very special, as the thin, grey haired gentleman with the ill fitting suit, and his young friend with the black unkempt hair and the latest fashionable jeans and tee shirt, were spending a lot of time staring at it.


"What is behind that door, Gregory?" asked the younger of the two men. Gregory pushed his small spectacles, which despite their smallness still seemed to be too large, back up his long nose.

"Switzerland, Tobias. Switzerland." replied Gregory matter of factly.

Tobias Quinn learned early in their relationship that Gregory could be, if nothing else, cryptic when it came to his strange, and unique calling in life.

"Switzerland?" Toby asked, glancing a confused look at his older friend, "I take it you're not referring to the actual country, Switzerland?"

Gregory turned slowly towards his young friend, and scowled as a schoolteacher would, were he about to scold a naughty child.


"Tobias, if you are going to insist on following me around like a stray puppy, you must learn that in my circles, metaphors are as common as English. Of course I don't mean 'The actual country Switzerland'." Softening his expression, and smiling slightly, he continued, "Neutrality is what lies behind that door. It is a place where neither side can influence what happens in your world. It is the only place where a true Detente still exists."

"Are you going in?" Toby asked, concerned he was going to be left alone standing in a busy street staring at, what appeared to the outside world, a rather uninteresting doorway, looking for all intents and purposes like a prat. Tobias Quinn, above all else, was very conscious of his image, and too look like a prat was most certainly not on his to-do-list for today.


"No. Not today. Although I'm certain that sooner rather than later, I will be required to arrange a meeting with my counterpart." Gregory, forcing a weak smile, reached up and put his hands on Toby's shoulders. "Tobias, the further you are drawn into my world, the better prepared you have to be. My world is dangerous, and can, in a very literal sense be deadly. You need to know this door exists, as it may very well save your life one day. I just pray that you never have to use it.”

At that moment Toby was positive that he saw a strange emotion in Gregory's sunken, wizened eyes. Fear.

Gregory showing fear was rather disconcerting to Toby. Ever since that night six months ago when Gregory saved his life, when he was drawn into this strange new world; he felt that Gregory was beyond fear. 'A modern day Merlin' is how Toby would best describe his friend and mentor. A Merlin who was able to slay the monsters from the worst nightmare. A Merlin who was willing to protect Toby from his own very real nightmares.

"What's going on Gregory?"

"Not yet Tobias. The time isn't right." Gregory answered, as he once again forced a frail grin, "Just know that this door exists, and should you need to use it to protect yourself, then do so. It will respond to you when the time is right. The door knows you." Gregory looked up at the sky and shivered. "It's going to rain tonight. I hate the rain!"

Gregory had changed the subject, and Toby knew that it was pointless to try and bring the conversation back to the door. He accepted this lesson was over. The door knew him, and if he was in danger the door would let him in, and he would be on safe, neutral territory. With that thought Gregory guided his young friend away from the door, "Come, let me buy you a coffee."

*******************
"So, Gregory has a new pet." said a voice from the doorway of the tourist shop, and from that doorway stepped a young man, well dressed in his new expensive suit. His neat, fine blonde hair catching the last of the sunlight through the darkening clouds. "Such fondness for these apes. I can't understand why you bow down to them?"

"We bow to humanity because we were commanded thus, Asmodeus, as were you." The tall, athletic young man with long white blonde hair said, smiling, as he appeared beside Asmodeus.

"Raphael..." Asmodeus turned to face the taller man, leaned in towards him, and sniffed, "...you stink of ape."

Raphael walked around Asmodeus, stopped, and looked at the display in the Christmas shop window, "Such a happy time Christmas. Wouldn't you agree?" Raphael did not give Asmodeus time to respond (although he did snort). "The boy is not to be harmed. This is non negotiable Asmodeus!"

"Do not assume to dictate terms to me Angel. Let the Watcher watch his own!" Asmodeus spat.

Raphael in his slow, deliberate fashion turned to face Asmodeus’ anger. "Trust in this Asmodeus. If the boy is harmed, no longer will Gregory be The Watcher. If you know anything of the tasks Gregory has performed over the years, know he has the power to transform from a passive watcher to an avenging hunter. Such fury will have no bounds, and all of your kind will know fear, as you have never known fear before."

"You give Gregory too much credit Raphael. He is nothing to me but an ape on which your kind took pity. An ape to which you gave your abilities. An ape you made into a weapon against us, but an ape nonetheless." Asmodeus paused, took a deep breath and composed himself. "You speak of Gregory being passive. How many has Gregory exorcised or destroyed?"

Raphael smiled, leaned in close to Asmodeus' ear and whispered, "Not nearly enough." Stepping back from Asmodeus, he turned to walk away but paused. "Do you remember the fate of the Venetian Nascosto?”

And with that parting question Asmodeus knew that he would have to do what no other had done in nearly two hundred years. Asmodeus had to orchestrate the death of a Watcher.

Gregory had to die.

(edited because cut 'n' paste from Word didn't work as well as expected)

[dustinzgirl]

Wow. I am highly impressed, and intrigued!

[Alcatraz]

Wow,

Thanks for that.

If you're intrigued, have a look at Chapter 2.

John

[BookStop]

Hey - this is pretty intriguing.

nestled between an all year Christmas shop, and a neighbouring delicatessen.

don't think you need the comma

and too look like a prat was

and to look

Although I'm certain that sooner rather than later, I

sooner, rather

in a very literal sense be

sense, be

strange new world; he felt that Gregory

not sure why you chose a semi-colon here. to create a longer pause?

Asmodeus had to orchestrate the death of a Watcher.

This is a really great sentence; the use of 'orchestrate' instead of more common words, 'plan' or 'cause', gives Asmodeus an evil genius air, which seems so appropriate here.

[socrates2479]

Nothing much to add beyond saying it is very well written and engaging. Found myself thinking of Constantine as I read it.
And as BookStop mentioned the last line is a belter, very good finish.

[Alcatraz]

Thank's to all for your kind words, and constructive crit's.

Bookstop. Thank's for picking up on the wee bits of mis-spelling and bad punctuation that I missed.

Socrates. I hadn't made any link with Constantine. Gregory was a character that I created back in the mid 1980's, and I actually created him to appear in the re-launched Dr. Fate comic published by DC Comics. This was at a time when DC were looking at new talent, and being a cocky 16/1 year old, I thought Gregory would have been an excellent character for that title.

Since then I've tinkered with him (keep it clean!) but not actually done anything with the character, until now.

[MJRevell]

Fantastic work - I loved it, and as of right now am on my way to chapter 2.

Here are a few things that I noticed:

"What is behind that door, Gregory?" asked the younger of the two men. Gregory pushed his small spectacles, which despite their smallness still seemed to be too large, back up his long nose.

I don't think the emboldened sentence works. You have already stated that they are 'small spectacles'... to say in the following clause 'smallness' seems to bog it down a little. I think it will be more fluent to remove the 'small' from the phrase 'small spectacles'.

glancing a confused look

This just feels wrong.. the idea of "glancing" a confused look... 'glancing confusedly' or the idea of 'glancing in confusion' maybe... Of course, this could just be me.

"So, Gregory has a new pet." said a voice from the doorway of the tourist shop, and from that doorway stepped a young man, well dressed in his new expensive suit. His neat, fine blonde hair catching the last of the sunlight through the darkening clouds.

I think the emboldened section here could be a little too long. "So Gregory has a new pet." said a voice from the doorway." creates more tension. You could then follow this with the action of stepping out, but i think something needs to be done about this for fluency.

[Alcatraz]

Thank's to all.

Your help is very much appreciated.

[Ozymandias]

Wow. Interesting premise. You should develop this! I love stories filled with big earth-shattering ideas.

[Alcatraz]

Thank's Ozzy.

Did you look at Chapter 2?

[Ozymandias]

Yeah. Keep 'em coming!

[Lacedaemonian]

Very easy to read mate. And yes I agree with Socrates the last line is a belter!

[socrates2479]

Ah, you have added an extra line at the end. I think this removes the emotional impact you generated with : Asmodeus had to orchestrate the death of a Watcher.

We already know that Gregory is the Watcher. I n my opinion it works better without : Gregory had to die.

[Alcatraz]

Socrates,

Your wisdom knows no bounds.

I was attempting a big finish to the chapter, without realing that I was repeating myself.

'Gregory must die.' is out.

Thank's

[socrates2479]

I believe that you have taken inspiration from the Book of Tobit for this? I'm jumping the gun here a bit, but are you going to use parts of that story, or just the characters?
I find stories featuring angels extremely fascinating. It's interesting to note that Raphael is also regarded as the Angel that will herald the Apocalypse.