Newbie request.

[Alcatraz]

Hello there,

This is the first time that I've visited a forum board which isn't related to Martial Arts.

An intro from me to you.

My name is John, and I live in a town called Kilmarnock in Scotland, and I've decided that a good way for me to stop daydreaming at work, is for me to put my 'tales' onto Word and then take it from there.

Although I would love to be published, that in itself is not my motivation for writing.

I created a character back in the late 1980s but did nothing with him, other than promise myself that one day, I was going to put his adventures into the written word.

I've written tournament and seminar reports for various British martial arts publications, however this is my first venture into the world of creative fiction writing.

Is my writing any good?

I honestly don't know. What I do know however, is that my writing is a release.

Soooo, what I've done below is include Chapter 1 of my work in progress which has the preliminary working title of 'NOBLE MASQUE.'

Please feel free to critique away. There are a couple of areas which I'm not to sure about, and it would be great if you pick up on the same areas with some suggestions.

Anyway, here it goes.....
Chapter 1
Some, who are older and wiser, have said that there is something unique about the unassuming black door with no locks, hinges or handles. It is a door, which sits mostly un-noticed, nestled between an all year Christmas shop, and a neighbouring tourist information store.

Indeed the door must have been very special, as the older, grey haired gentleman with the ill fitting suit, and his young friend with the black unkempt hair and the latest fashionable jeans and tee shirt, were spending a lot of time staring at it.

"What is behind that door, Gregory?" asked the younger of the two men.

Gregory pushed his small spectacles, which despite their smallness still seemed to be too large, back up his long nose.

"Switzerland, Tobias. Switzerland." replied Gregory matter of factly.

Tobias Quinn had learned early in their relationship that Gregory could be, if nothing else, cryptic when it came to his strange, and unique calling in life.

"Switzerland?" Toby asked, glancing a confused look at his older friend, "I take it you're not referring to the actual country, Switzerland?"

Gregory turned slowly towards his young friend, and scowled as a schoolteacher would, were he about to scold a naughty schoolboy.

"Tobias, if you are going to insist on following me around like a stray puppy, you must learn that in my circles, metaphors are as common as English. Of course I don't mean 'The actual country Switzerland'." Softening his expression, and smiling slightly, he continued, "Neutrality is what lies behind that door. It is a place where neither side can influence what happens in your world. It is the only place where a true Detente still exists."

"Are you going in?" Toby asked, concerned that he was going to be left alone standing in a busy street staring at, what appeared to the outside world to be a rather uninteresting doorway, looking for all intents and purposes like a prat. Tobias Quinn, above all else, was very conscious of his image, so to look like a prat was most certainly not on his to-do-list for today.

"No. Not today. Although I'm certain that sooner rather than later, I will be required to arrange a meeting with my counterpart." Gregory reached up and put his hands on Toby's shoulders. "Tobias, the further you are drawn into my world, the better prepared you have to be. My world is dangerous, and can, in a very literal sense be deadly. You need to know that this door exists as it may very well save your life. I just pray that you never have the need to use it."

At that moment Toby was positive that he saw a strange emotion in Gregory's sunken, wizened eyes. Fear.

Gregory showing fear was rather disconcerting to Toby. Ever since that night six months ago when Gregory saved his life, when he was drawn into this strange new world; he felt that Gregory was beyond fear. 'A modern day Merlin' is how Toby would best describe his friend and mentor. A Merlin who was able to slay the monsters from the worst nightmare. A Merlin who was willing to protect Toby from his own very real nightmares.

"What's going on Gregory?"

"Not yet Tobias. The time isn't right." Gregory answered, as he again forced a weak smile. "Just know that this door exists, and should you need to use it to protect yourself, then do so. It will respond to you when the time is right. The door knows you." Gregory looked up at the sky and shivered. "It's going to rain tonight. I hate the rain."

Gregory had changed the subject, and Toby knew that it was pointless to try and bring the conversation back to the door. He had to accept that this lesson was over. The door knew him and if he was in danger the door would let him in, and he would be on safe, neutral territory. With that thought Toby found himself being guided away from the door by Gegory. "Come Tobias, let me buy you a coffee."


*******************

"So, Gregory has a new pet." said a voice from the doorway of the Christmas shop. A young man, well dressed in his new, dark blue Armani suit stepped out from the doorway, placing a yellow rose in the buttonhole of his jacket as he walked. His neat, fine blonde hair catching the last of the sunlight through the darkening clouds. "Such fondness for these apes. I can't understand why you bow down to them."

"We bow to humanity because we were commanded thus, Asmodeus, as were you." The tall, athletic young man with long white hair responded, arriving apparently from nowhere, to stand next to the blonde man.

"Raphael.." Asmodeus turned to face the taller man, leaned towards him, and sniffed, "..you stink of ape."

Raphael walked around Asmodeus, stopped, and looked at the display in the Christmas shop window, "Such a happy time Christmas. Would you not agree?" Raphael did not give Asmodeus time to respond (although he did snort). "The boy is not to be harmed. This is not negotiable Asmodeus."

"Do not assume to dictate terms to me Angel. Let the Watcher watch his own." Asmodeus spat.

Raphael turned slowly to face the angered Asmodeus. "Trust in this foresight Demon. If the boy is harmed, no longer will Gregory be The Watcher. If you know anything of the tasks Gregory has performed over the years, know he has the power to transform from a passive watcher to an avenging hunter. Such fury will have no bounds. You and all of your kind will know fear, as you have never known fear before."

"You give Gregory too much credit Raphael. He is nothing to me but an ape on which your kind took pity. An ape to which you gave your abilities. An ape you made into a weapon against us, but an ape nonetheless." Asmodeus paused, took a deep breath and composed himself. "You speak of Gregory being passive. How many has Gregory exorcised or destroyed?"

Raphael smiled, leaned in close to Asmodeus' ear and whispered, "Not nearly enough." Stepping back from Asmodeus, he turned to walk away but paused. "Do you remember the fate of the Venetian Nascosto?”

And with that parting question Asmodeus knew that he would have to do what no other had done in nearly two hundred years. He had to orchestrate the death of a Watcher.

Gregory had to die.

[flynx]

This is excellent, you drug me in and tantalised me. The almost conversational tone made it easy to read (although the tone slipped a little towards the end) and the formal phrasing made me pause occassionally I actually read the whole thing without skimming.

A couple of things I noticed were: going into description of clothing almost as soon as you introduced a character, not that it's wrong but I would have preferred some tiny detail rather than broad brush strokes.
I have no idea what an Armani suit looks like except expensive, the latest fashionable jeans would change with the seasons (year at most) and ill-fitting tells me very little about the person wearing the clothing. Did he look like Norman Wisdom or his first day at big school?

There are a couple of places where you repeat words in the same sentence which tends to break the flow (eg. school teacher followed by schoolboy).

The 'apes' references got quickly tiresome for me.

"Raphael turned slowly to face the angered Asmodeus" This line typifies those (few) places that didn't sing as well as the rest of the story. Try to avoid adverbs (slowly) and the transitive 'angered' (had to go to dictionary dot com to find that out) doesn't sit well either. I'd rephrase it (but it doesn't mean you have to)

"Raphael turned in his slow fashion to face Asmodeus' anger"

This changes the meaning a little (addressing the anger rather than the person) and describes Raph as a ponderous or deliberate being in his character. But sings (to me) better.

I just adore the word play between Gregory and Tobias but unfortunately I don't yet have a picture for Tobias in my head.

An excellent piece, keep up the good work.

[Alcatraz]

Flynx,

Thank's for the response. You make a lot of good points which I will take on board for one of my many tinkerings.

I particularly liked how you re-worded Raphaels response to Asmodeus' anger, very neat, and it does show a side of Raphael which I was looking to bring out.

As for Tobias' clothing, my intent was for the clothing description to be as vague as possible, because as you point out, fashion changes, and I want Tobias' character to be as contemporary as possible, given what he is coming up against in future chapters.

As for visualisation of characters (and please don't let this stop you from visualising characters yourself), I tend to think of people I know and their particular physical characteristics.

For example Gregory, physically, is based on a teacher I had at school who had an uncanny resemblance to the actor Ron Rifkin (Alias). This teacher, no matter what he wore, always looked as though his clothes never sat right, and everything was a size too large.

Tobias, physically, is based on my young cousin, who is a scary look-a-like for the actor Tom Welling (Smallville).

It's my job as the writer, to convey these physical traits to you, and hopefully allow you to see what I see in my head.

Thanks again.

Anyone else

John

[Themistocles]

I agree with Flynx about repeating words in the same sentence. (older and younger friend)

"Are you going in?" Toby asked, concerned that he was going to be left alone standing in a busy street staring at, what appeared to the outside world to be Could cut out the 'to be' and replace with as a rather uninteresting doorway, looking for all intents and purposes like a prat. Tobias Quinn, above all else, was very conscious of his image, so to look like a prat was most certainly not on his to-do-list for today.

I just pray that you never have the need to use it.
I just pray that you never need to use it.

I hate the rain!"

Gregory had changed the subject, Try to remove as many had's as possible, it takes the reader out of the 'present' flow of the story. and Toby knew that (remove) it was pointless to try and bring the conversation back to the door. He had to (needed to)(should)(tried to)(He knew this lesson was over)(He accepted that this lesson was over)accept that this lesson was over. The door knew him and if he was in danger the door would let him in, and he would be on safe, neutral territory. With that thought Toby found himself being guided away from the door by Gegory. "Come Tobias, let me buy you a coffee."

"Such fondness for these apes. I can't understand why you bow down to them.?"

"Raphael.." Asmodeus turned to face the taller man, leaned towards him, and sniffed, "..you stink of ape9(!)" You should use three dots ... instead of two

Don't be afraid to use exclamation points, you are making a lot of statements through your charactors.This is not negotiable Asmodeus!"

"Do not assume to dictate terms to me Angel. Let the Watcher watch his own!" Asmodeus spat.

Excellent work John, Looking forward to reading more.

[Alcatraz]

Them (I hope you don't mind my shortening of you screen name),

Thank's very much for the tooth-combing of Chapter 1. I didn't realise I had such a heavy useage of HAD and THAT.

I wonder if I'm writing the same way as I think, which is Glaswegian English. I'll need to remember that I'm writing and not speaking.

I'll do a re-tinkering based on the above critiques, and re-post Chapter 1, and then I'll post Chapter 2 on a different thread.

Chapter 2 will introduce my third principle character, and (hopefully) draw you into the basis of the overall story.

Thank's again folks.

John