Another exerpt from Incompetent

[MrFox]

Here's another excerpt from my fan-fiction Incompetent.

Don't worry, I don't intend to spam the forum with excerpts every day. I'll also only keep this thread focused on this single excerpt.

Again, I'm looking mainly for flow of dialogue and how the dialogue fits into the actions that are taking place. I've also corrected errors in the punctuation. Thank you Paradox 99 for pointing that out.

Excerpt: Incompetent

Kiyram arrived at the infirmary with Graohm in tow.

“Getting along, are we?” Meds said, as the two crewmen entered, one after the other.

Neither responded. Kiyram walked over to the examination table she had been laying on earlier, and propped herself up onto it. Graohm stopped at the doorway just inside the infirmary.

Meds looked at both of them. “Ah, very well then,” he said. “shall we get started?”

“Graohm, take the gurney pack and this medical bag,” Meds showed him the large gurney pack and Graohm hoisted it up onto his back with one hand and strapped it to his shoulders. The heavy weight of the pack had no affect on his posture. “I’ll wait outside,” he said, as he took the medical bag and stepped into the passageway.

Meds approached Kiyram. “It is not wise to anger a Brutor, Kiyram,” he said quietly, “not even a junior one.”

“Graohm is the second crewman you’ve offended since being chosen for this task. I fear the medication I’ve given you is not to blame this time,” he said.

“No, it’s my fault really. He was just going places in my head that I’m not ready for yet,” she replied.

“You may have no choice, Kiyram,” Meds said, “you are going to enter the pod in less than an hour from now. I recommend you vanquish any demons you have about this before hand,” he said cautiously.

“I’m trying,” she said.

“No, Graohm is trying. You are resisting,” he accused, without changing his Jovian tone, “I recommend you take heed to his instruction, because on this matter, he is your senior.”

“Aye, sir,” she replied.

He handed her a thin membrane body suit, metallic gray in color with several protruding connector plugs in various logical locations. “Put this on,” he instructed. “it’s the pod interface ensemble. We’ll be waiting for you outside.”

“Aye, sir,” she replied as Meds exited the infirmary to join Graohm in the passageway.

The door slid closed behind him.

“She’s going to need your guidance when the time comes,” Meds told Graohm when he was confident Kiyram could not hear him.

“Agreed. Although she is very resistant to her fate.”

“Fate?” Meds asked. “I’ll not tell you how she responded to Korhmek’s comments of similar subject matter,” he mused.

“Yes, I remember the look on Korhmek’s face as I arrived earlier.”

It only took her a few moments to don the ensemble. The door to the infirmary slid open and Kiyram stepped out into the passageway.

The thin membrane of the pod suit hugged every curve, and feature of Kiyram’s physique. If it wasn’t for the tubes and interface connections that followed her frame, she would have simply appeared to be painted metallic gray. A color which highlighted her dark hair and piercing blue eyes.

“Gentlemen? Shall we?” she said, as she walked sinuously on ahead of them. She stopped after a few steps and turned only to see Meds and Graohm still standing there, watching her leave.

“Oh no you don’t,” she said, as she approached the two men, then stepped behind them and pushed them forward ahead of her. “Please, by all means, lead the way,” she insisted.

“Graohm?" she said, "I’m not surprised about you, but Meds on the other hand, I didn’t realize Jovians had those kinds of thoughts.”

“I assure you Crewman Kiyram, any semblance of being affected by your appearance was purely scientific in nature,” he said. “I’m merely fascinated by the nano-fiber technology, which is the basic material makeup of the pod interface ensemble, and its ability to adapt and precisely mold itself to any form,” he said in his defense.

“Right, got it,” she replied slyly.

Graohm looked at the fibbing Jovian next to him as they continued to walk on.

“What?” Meds asked.

Graohm just tapped his own lips with his index finger and shook his head.

Meds disregarded the gesture as childish.

Kiyram was smiling faintly behind the two men as she followed them to the pod chamber.

---------

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on my writing.

[Paradox 99]

I'm looking mainly for flow of dialogue and how the dialogue fits into the actions that are taking place.

No complaints from me. This dialogue feels a lot more natural than your first exert and I had a clear picture in my mind as to what was happening as they spoke. I had to reread to make sure I was looking out for things to correct, which is a good sign becuase it means I was immersed in the story.

If I were to be really nit-pick, I'd be looking at these...

"Aye, sir," she replied.

This was a short sharp response and I thought it would do just as well without the "she replied"

The thin membrane of the pod suit hugged every curve, and feature of Kiyram’s physique.

I'd lose the comma, it forces an unnatural pause there.

"Oh no you don’t," she said, as she approached the two men, then stepped behind them and pushed them forward ahead of her.

The sentence felt a tad long. How about:

"Oh no you dont!" Kiyram' said as she approached the two men. She stepped behind them and pushed them forward ahead of her.

But yes, this extract seemed fine to me.

[MrFox]

Thank you. This is promising since, other than the comma, these are the things I felt were issues as well. I never even noticed the comma before.

I struggled for some time with the remark from Kiyram as she realized the two men were 'stuck'. Your version is much cleaner and flows better. I've noticed I have a tendency to cram too many 'doings' in one sentence. A habit I hope to free myself from.

As far as the speach tag goes, yet another compulsion.

Thanks again.