[Skip]

[size=huge] SG-1 GO TO HOLLYWOOD! [/size]

*Producer/Director/Camerawoman/Scriptwriter: Skip.

*Starring:
Col. Jack O’Neill
Dr. Daniel Jackson
Maj. Samantha Carter
Teal’c/Murphy

*Guest Starring:
Dr. Janet Frasier
Maj. Gen. George Hammond
Siler
Davis

*Also Featuring:
Divers Famous Personages
The Ascifi Mob (And I’m not gonna list you so you can see where you appear…

*Animals:
Dave the Chicken (by popular demand. And a crowbar.)
Dave was not hurt in the filming of this atrocity. People whose fingers went too near, however, were.

Copyright Instructions: Yah so I don’t own anything here. Like I own all these films and SG-1. Like I WISH! No I don’t even own the mob. I don’t control them. I am not responsible (haha) for their actions. Yah so I steal from other peoples fics, but I figure why the hell not, cos you can always shout at me and then I have a reason to retire. Should you wish to use this premise (Asmiley this is directed at you…. and ykwim) go ahead. One thing I DO own…. as per usual, is Dave.

Notes: Look, as much as I’d love to do another panto, I can’t. It seems old hat to me, I’m sorry. I feel the urge to TRY and be individual and original in all I do. Never happens but at least it appeases me! And hey do you guys realise how long it is since I managed to write anything sensible? I haven’t whumped Jack in ages! This is sooooo unfair. I might go on a sabbatical with all my implements of torture and leave ‘comedy’ alone for a while!

Some films are done for particular people. These people will recognise them (well they should) when they get to them!

Dedication: This is to You. Yes, YOU AND YOU ALONE. No, Dave, not you….

Without further ado: LIGHTS! KEYBOARD! A-CTION!!!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[size=huge]SG-1 Go to Hollywood.[/size]

“Daniel? What is this?”

“Uhm, well it’s been awhile…”

“No it hasn’t. I distinctly remember bunny ears, a chicken and something fluffy.”

“Fuzzy,” Teal’c corrected him.

“Yes, fuzzy.”

“Well, fuzzy wuzzy actually,” Carter supplemented.

Jack sighed, “Why thank you, Major.”

“No problem, Sir.”

“Look, I don’t care. I’ve got written permission from General Hammond,” Daniel told them, waving a piece of paper.

“May I see that?”

“Sure,” Daniel handed it over. “But I have it in triplicate…”

Jack sighed. “Well, I’ll just call in sick.”

“Nope, I got Doctor Frasier to rescind anything you do.”

“WHAT?!?! That’s illegal!”

“No it isn’t, I checked. Now stop speaking in prose and go back to screenplay.”

“Spacemonkey, don’t think I shan’t get back at you for this…”

*~*~*~*~*~*

The stage is set, and it is rather a small one. Daniel enters from Stage Left wearing an old fashioned velvet suit and concealing something behind his back.

Daniel: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Mob, welcome to our little show. We are afraid that due to budget costs, there will be no super-dooper special effects.

Jack: Now you see, that sucks. We employ people like Siler here, who does absolutely nothing all day and we can’t afford a few spangles?

Siler: I resent that! I do lots of things!

Jack: Name one?

Siler: I- I- I….

Jack: Ha-ha you can’t!

Siler: ARGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Siler makes a dive for Jack. He knocks him spectacularly to the floor, where they tumble for endless moments. During the process, Jack’s shirt catches on the floor and is ripped from his back. They continue to wrestle for countless minutes until Teal’c picks them both up. Jack is sporting a bloody nose and Siler’s eye is blacked. A score of people leap to their feet to comfort Jack (or maybe even whump him some more) but the imposing guard of Giant Chickens (led by Cecil) soon seat them once more.

Daniel: Ahem. Whilst those two get patched up… He reaches behind his back for his concealed object. He finds a top hat. He pushes his hand in. He produces a white rabbit. Uhm that’s not it… His arms goes deeper in; and now a bunch of flowers… which he throws into the audience. Peachy scrabbles over several rows to retrieve them. No…And now the severed head of a Theban prince. No, we gave up on the Greek tragedy…Finally he finds a toilet roll. Et voila!

Sam: Daniel, that’s a loo roll…

Daniel: Yes, I had to improvise. He rolls it out and after much fuddling it is revealed that it has a barely legible scrawling down it. He turns the roll and the credits ‘fall.’

~~ A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… ~~

Teal’c: But it is not ‘far, far away.’

Daniel: Look, I’m not editing this, it was hard enough writing on it in the first place.

~~ There was a mighty empire… ~~

At this time Janet Frasier chooses to parade Jack back on the stage.

Janet: And if you don’t stop picking fights with subordinates…

Jack: ‘Yes, mom.’

Janet: Don’t you ‘Yes, mom’ me. Now go on, Daniel has worked long and hard on this!

Jack (Mumbling): Sure, yeah it looks like it… Janet clouts him on the ear, turns and leaves. Ow!

Daniel: ~~ These evil tyrants were trying to take over the Galaxy. ~~

Jack: That sure sounds familiar! You know you can’t just keep going round stealing things from films! And it isn’t even creative!

Daniel: I am NOT stealing!

Jack: Steals Daniel’s script. Sure looks like it to me!

Daniel : Snatching it back. Well it isn’t! Think of it as homage to all the brilliant science fiction films out there. Or you can simply play ‘Spot the Source…’ Look, I don’t have time to change it now and the crowd is getting impatient.

Jack: Yeah, they are. Look at them, they seem to be... drooling…

Daniel: You still have your shirt open, Jack.

Jack: Oh. [u] He turns away to button it.[/i]

Daniel: Actually, the girl with the flowers keeps winking at me. I figure we should get going, maybe the plot will distract them.

Jack: Agreed.

Daniel: Bring out the scenery, please. Several Airmen bring out pink plastic-looking rocks. They arrange these appropriately across the stage. All that stood in their way were three intrepid heroes. A young girl with the memories of a Tok’ra, a flyboy pilot and his big, uh, hairless companion.

Sam: I am NOT that young! You make it sound like I’m a teenager!

Jack: Come on, kid, if you want to leave this planet. The Die-Gliders will be here soon. (DIE-Gliders?)

Daniel: (Die- death. Rhymes with t-)

Jack: (Oh I see.)

Sam: Uh, okay. Are you sure that hunk of junk can hold us all? I mean, Teal’c-

Teal’c: Murphy.

Sam: Murphy?

Teal’c: I am wearing my hat, therefore I am Murphy.

Jack: You see it doesn’t work quite like that, you’re wearing that to pretend it’s a helmet, not to hide the… and plus its only us, Teal’c.

Teal’c: Murphy.

Jack: Whatever. Let the Jaffa win. Oh, and Cartwalker? No voodoo Snake tricks on MY ship, thank you very much.

Sam: It isn’t voodoo… Jacob told me it was…

Jack: I don’t care what some dumb old man said. Now sit back, I have some manoeuvring to do.

Said manoeuvring consists of them holding hands and walking in a ‘snake’ across the stage, each wearing the beautiful cardboard boxes of familiar construction. In fact, it looks like more time was spent stencilling the serial numbers on the sides in various languages, as well as ‘Voyager’ to greetings to aliens.

Daniel: Oh no! Look here comes the bad guys! Better engage that light-speed drive!

Jack: WHAT light-speed drive?

Daniel: (Uhm, just run a bit faster.)

Jack: Ok…oof. Teal’c, why did you push me over?

Teal’c: I have observed that in past instances, you have fallen when such devices were engaged. Therefore, to make it realistic, you must fall.

Jack: But not on the hard floor! Geez, Teal’c, couldn’t we have swayed about a bit in ‘turbulence?’

Teal’c: That is not accurate.

Hetesh Guard 1: Excuthe me, but are we going to do thith chathe or not?

Jack: Hmm… you’re a Hetesh guard, right? Could you do me a favour? Shout ‘Stop! Cease! Surrender or I will be forced to shoot!’

Hetesh Guard 1: Thure. Thtop! Theathe! Thurrender or I will be forthed the thoot! Wath tho funny? He, Theve, hethe laughing.

Hetesh Guard 2: Well, Wodger, so he is. May I enqwire what is so wibald as to pwovoke wibticking laughter?

Jack is guffawing loudly.

Hetesh Guard 1- Roger: Thath juth plain mean. Right, you’re for it now!

Hetesh Guard 2- Steve: Quite wite.

Jack: Oh no, please, have mewcy!

Steve: Never, you’we going to suffer fow that!

Roger tries to get out of his ship, but realises that his hlmet is stcuk.

Roger: Thteve! Help me I’m thtuck!

[Steve also tries to get out, but he has left his helmet on also.[/i]

Steve: Woger! I’m most embawassed! I’m in a pwedicament!

Roger: A thticky one?

Daniel: Now we could keep this up all day, but we do have a timing. We don’t have enough spools to keep this up forever.
Teal’c: I shall assist. [i]Teal’c goes up to the spaceships. He takes Roger and Steve’s heads. He bangs them together.

Jack: Welcome to Earth.

Sam: But we’re not On Earth.

Jack: Then where the hell are we?

Sam: PX-999.

Jack: That’s it? No snappy name or anything? No blatant pillaging? No plagiarism? No-

Daniel: Well, Steve and Roger could have told you, seeing as this IS their planet, before you knocked them out.

Jack: Point taken.

Daniel: So our heroes need a disguise. It turns out that the two Hetesh guards did a mean sideline in cabaret. Careful thought leads to them deciding to ‘borrow’ some clothes. (Guys, this is your cue to go and change your costumes.)

Sam: Fine, just as long as it isn’t as bad as these robes. They itch.

Jack: Yours itch? Have you seen the state of these trousers? I can barely breathe!

There is a harsh intake of breath in sympathy from the assembled throng in their seats. Several collars are loosened.

Sam: Neat red stripe, though.

Jack: ‘Neat red stripe though’…!

Daniel: And as our heroes clamber in to get changed-

Jack: Quit stepping on my foot!

Daniel:… we have a temporary diversion. Here is a word from our sponsors.

VOICEOVER: Tired of feeding your pets? Fed up of taking them for a walk? Disinterested in running every time their bladder calls? Check out Imagicorp’s brand new ELECTRIC SHEEP-

Skip: STOP STOP STOP!

Daniel: What? Who are you?

Skip: Skip, who’d ya think? Look, we don’t have a sponsor, so if this is a cheap way of trying to earn money to keep the SGC open, forget it. I’ll probably be sued over the gratuitous thefts already! Monsignor Lucas-ade has the best damn lawyers you can have!

Daniel: But it’s for a good cause!

Skip: I don’t care. Give me that script. Scribbles furiously Look, no-no to the soft drink references… and what the hell is this? Action figures?

Daniel shrugs.

Skip: Yeesh, how much were you raking in?

Daniel: Only a few bucks.

Skip: But that’s half the script! You’re a lousy negotiator, Daniel. Next time Jack gives you an idea like this, just say ‘No!’

Daniel: But you just tore out half my script!

Skip: I don’t care. Make something up or I’ll be forced to let the mob loose.

Daniel: I’ll uh, I’ll get to work, then…

Skip: You do that. Oh look, I’ll have to find someone to narrate whilst you’re editing. Uhm… lemme see… I know! Davis? Come on up!

Davis: Who, me?

Skip: No, the ‘other’ Davis. YES YOU! Yeesh. Can’t get the minions these days!

Davis: So, uh… Reading from script The three emerge from the Ti- uh, Die-Glider in their disguises.

Jack: From inside I am NOT coming out!

Sam: But sir! Daniel worked long and hard!

Jack: I don’t care. I don’t see why I have to wear THIS!

Sam: Because it would be degrading and sexist to make me wear it, and it won’t fit Teal’c- I mean Murphy.

Jack: And you don’t think its sexist to restrain your superior officer and dress him up in a gold bikini?

Sam: Well, no…

Jack: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!

Teal’c: Ypu must emerge, or I will carry you out over my shoulder. This would afford a good view of your mikta and be more degrading.

Jack: TEAL’C! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! EEK! No… hands off…. Ok I’ll come out. Under PROTEST!

The trio emerge. Jack dressed in a gold lacrame bikini, as promised. Teal’c is wearing his bear suit. Sam is wearing… a box.

Jack: Tell me again exactly what you are, Carter?

Sam: Well, I could be any sort if android. Or alien. Or-

Jack: Basically you just shoved on the box the outfits were in, right?

Sam: No I thought long and hard!

Jack: Yeah. Right. Jack waits for the expected reprimand for straying from the topic. And waits. And- HEY? Dannyboy? Yoo-hoo?

Davis: Uh, Colonel O’Neill, Sir, Daniel had to leave, Sir, he had to re-write the script Sir, Colonel, Sir!

Jack: Calm down and use sentences, kid. So why didn’t you interrupt when we were talking about the costumes? Davis? DAVIS?

Davis: I was, uh, just thinking how good Major Carter’s costume looked, Sir, Colonel, Sir!

Jack: Oh fer cryin out loud! Dannyboy? Have you nearly finished?

Daniel: Sort of. I’ll narrate again but you’ll have to keep prodding me. Ouch!

Jack: What?

Daniel: I didn’t mean right away!

Jack: Well next time you may be a little less obscure, Daniel!

Daniel: Fine, fine. Change… blah blah blah…costume… blah blah blah… Here we are. The bar sene.

Jack: Oh at last some fun.

Daniel: I’m sure you’ll have fun, dressed like that!

Jack: Why you…

Daniel: OFF stage while we do a scene change.

Jack: I thought this was a film, not a play.

Daniel: We can’t afford to shoot on location.

Jack: But we can afford to travel half way round the Universe to look for rocks…

Daniel: OFF STAGE! NOW!

Jack: Alright alright I’m gone already!

Daniel: And now for a little light entertainment.

Out tramps a horde of Unas in monkey suits and top hats, but rather more upmarket than Daniel’s MC uniform. Still, they manage to make it look scruffier. In their hands are Pain sticks and Staff-Weapons. Music starts to swell. They start to tap dance. Well, one does. The rest all hit each other with the sticks. The audience starts to giggle. One Unas starts eating the wrong end of his staff weapon. That mess should really be cleaned up soon before someone slips in it. Finally, the Chicken Guards escort them off stage.

Skip: Daniel, you better have something better planned for the next scene or costume change, otherwise I know a few people who’d be happy to meet you.

Daniel: Hey cut me some slack, I’m doing the best I can!

Skip: Look, don’t talk to me about that! Now go off and do better.

Daniel: Fine, fine. Curtain! CURTAIN!