Do You Write Poetry?

[Nik]

Um, I can only write poetry when I have 'Flu...

Given Flu's other side-effects, I'd rather have the annual vaccination...

[Dexter]

Thanks, Nesacat. That's pretty much the story of my writing: "It needs a little tweaking..."

[j. d. worthington]

I agree... it needs tweaking, but that's really all it needs. Allow me to make some suggestions:

Originally Posted by Dexter

No longer a woods where deer can hide out in

I would make that "wood" and eliminate "in"

Only rental space for lease

And I think I'd make that "Only a space for rent". That way, the length of the final line is closer to that of other stanzas, and it also has more impact, I think. "For lease" seems to me to be a bit redundant, making the blow softer.

There is…
No longer civility
No longer tranquility
No longer accountability
Only me, me, me


There is…
No longer time
No longer life
No longer room for life
Only room enough to exist

Again, I think I'd remove "enough"... same reasons as above.

There is…
No longer anyone worried
About what is
Or was
But no longer

And here I'd make it "Or what was", and "But is no longer" -- again, it brings it closer to the flow of the other stanzas, adds the missing beat in the final lines, and also sharply drives home the "was"/"is" contrast.

How does that sound?

[Nesacat]

Yes that is what I would have tweaked too. It flows well now.

[Dexter]

Wow. Now this is nice. Thanks for the blow-by-blow j.d. This is most instructive. Is it alright if I edit my original post (the poem) to reflect the changes? Or no?

[j. d. worthington]

Originally Posted by Dexter

Wow. Now this is nice. Thanks for the blow-by-blow j.d. This is most instructive. Is it alright if I edit my original post (the poem) to reflect the changes? Or no?

If you still have the ability (there's a 30-minute allowance on editing, as I recall). However, you may want to leave it for the instruction of others, perhaps... that is up to you.

On the rest... glad to be of service....

[Allegra]

Nice poem, Dexter! Now can we see a cheerier one?

[Dexter]

No Longer

There is…
No longer a tree
No longer a field
No longer a wood where deer can hide out
Only property for rent

There is…
No longer civility
No longer tranquility
No longer accountability
Only me, me, me

There is…
No longer time
No longer life
No longer room for life
Only room to exist

There is…
No longer anyone worried
About what is
Or what was
But no longer

My much more polished version. Sorry for the reposting, but editing the original post was not an option.

[Dexter]

Thanks Allegra!

A cheerier poem? Hey! Thanks for asking. Yes, but it might be a bit off yet. No Longer is by far my best poem and boy am I learning what I don't know.

Everyone's been so helpful and encouraging. How can I not submit another poem?

*Glares around sourly as scattered groans erupt throughout the room*

[Nesacat]

It's lovely Dexter and I for one would like to see more please ... cheerful or otherwise.

One more suggestion ... remove 'out' from the line No longer a wood where deer can hide out.

[Dexter]

Now you suggest that, Nesacat. After my edit button goes bye-bye! Well, thank you again. Consider the out out (though I'll spare everyone a third posting of the poem). It does read better. Thank you, too, for your kind words. They are fuel to my fire.

[mirinda]

Desolation
I’m lost in my mind. No way out to find. Unaware and out of time, looking for a word that’s kind. Never knowing when to speak out. Left in the shadows, lost in the doubt. Can’t be sure of whom to trust. Why does truth hurt so much?
Broken down and beaten by those who are supposed to care, can’t I turn anywhere? Your cruel words tear me apart, like a dagger through the heart.
I’ll never be good enough for you so why do I even try? I’m through.


If a title jumps out at you for this let me know because I can't think of one.

[HardScienceFan]

Desolation

[mirinda]

Interesting...thanks Ben I think I might use that. What did you think anyway?

[HardScienceFan]

bleak,offers no hope to the reader,a cry of despair,obviously,
of a protagonist incarcerated in hopelessness