Slang

[polymorphikos]

I have a few reservations about posting this here, but I thought that it might be interesting to some members, and I also think that it's important to what I'm doing.

Basically, this is a excerpt written in a slang I designed to make the future solar system sound more convincing. Yes, I know, very Anthony Burgess.

I'd just like to know how it flows, if it's convincing, and if there are any changes that you'd make to it. Pronounciation is German, but the final d is a d, not a t, ai is like french, i is like french, and a is like uh in cut. Oe is like the sound in her. J is like french.

Thankyou.
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Zae voz an zvei o'jonz curin de bully ven Abba flipt de port & vaad onsvit.

Nix, sam baize slipt o'd'ali & fusd premi jon @ de komf vit an grando pisi, & zveileik flipt son coti & fusd de baize an aule on de gat.

Abba shrinkt dvon & klikt de gard, & maesid sa mae sh'a antiaule fenis.De jon'a vaad'l von el shrinkt tu-vaa, & il'l muriai'l max-vit.

Translation:

There were two people running down the road when Abby opened the door and looked outside.

Next, some f***ker (how is it less offensive when you still know what it means?) slipped out of the alley and shot the first person in the head with a large pistol, and the second opened his coat and shot the f***ker a howler (bullet) in the belly.

Abby shrank (slipped away quietly) behind/backwards and clicked/shot the bolt/lock/guard, and thanked her mother she had bullet-proof windows. The person(now assumed to mean man) had seen her before she shrank all-see(obviously, for all to see, plainly), and he would kill her with all speed.
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Not poetry, or even well-written, but I didn't post it for its merit as writing. Please tell me what you think, and thankyou for bearing with a transitive knob.

[knivesout]

How exactly will you be using these elements in your story? I think it's a good idea as such, but I guess this is something that has to be seen in context.

[I, Brian]

Small amounts might work great - though I remember seeing a commentary on some of Mark Twain's writing - how he faithfully preserved the dialect of miner '49ers in at least one of his stories - but also how the story is now completely unintelligable because the dialect no longer exists.

Also - because the language above seems highly derivative of Germanic languages, you may need to be able to justify why they do indeed appear this way. Not sure if you were planning this?

[polymorphikos]

Brian, I was working off of proposed changes to the English language as proposed by the EU, and a language cimera of French, English and German as a result (probably called Tuspek). And I wasn't actually going to write the story in it, just have many charcters who use the tongue frequently, and make references to it and such. Much like if you read an English novel set in France or greece, for example, which will be peppered with phrases from the language of the country that are all comprehensible in context. Otherwise I'd only be able to show the story to extremely latterally-minded people who new a fair bit of all three source tongues.

[I, Brian]

You do realise that the EU language changes post is satire?!

[polymorphikos]

None the less, the idea is a good inspiration. I don't really care if everyone in Europe is forced to start speaking aramaic with a dutch accent, the priciple behind the post is a good one.

[Michael]

I'm no expert but I like the way it sounds when I read it aloud.