The beginning of the end - Science Fiction Fantasy Chronicles: forums

Jessa · 13th July 2001, 04:03 PM

Right! new fic! i had loads of encouragement so here it is! the first part. This is what i think should happen at the beginning of the new series

"Sam! Run!" Jacob Carter shouted, running after the remaining member of SG-1, yet Sam lingered, slightly unsure of what to do. Suddenly there was a bright light in the room and several transporter rings zoomed in to place. This brought Sam back in to action as she bought her weopen up to meet the unsuspecting Jaffa.

Jacob turned back into the room and pushed Sam towards the door. "RUN!" he shouted again and the two of them sprinted after Daniel and the colonol.

As they rreached the hangers and were about to climb in to the ships next to Daniels another set of rings came down. Yet Sam didn't notice.

Fireing at the Jacob, who had run to protect his daughter, the Jaffa, who were this time surrounded by shields grabbed Sam roughly and stood back in to postion. The blinding galre came again, taking the Jaffa and one kicking and screaming Sam with them.

Jack didn't waste a second, and he ran to where Jacob had fallen. "It's alright." he said. "Selmac will heal me, but he can't heal my heart. I need my daughter back for that." Jack glanced worridly at Jacob yet discovered Selmac had taken control. "Jacob is shocked and upset. i will take control of him for now." he said. "But we must get Samantha back soon. We don't know the full extent of the Gou'lds torture weopens yet."
"Torture?" Daniels shaky voice emerged from one of the ships.
Selmac nodded grimly.

Ta da! what do ya think? Good or bad? i will improve it! honest. Please be honest.

Ta Jessa:blpaw:

Rowan · 13th July 2001, 06:07 PM

Okay... I can do feedback.

** "Sam! Run!" Jacob Carter shouted, running after the remaining member of SG-1, yet Sam lingered, slightly unsure of what to do. Suddenly there was a bright light in the room and several transporter rings zoomed in to place. This brought Sam back in to action as she bought her weopen up to meet the unsuspecting Jaffa.

+++ Right off the bat... what's going on? You open right in the middle of an action scene and there's no clue as to why things are happeneing. You might try something like.

>> It hand only been a few minutes into the Earth/Tok'ra recon mission to P3x-354 when all hell broke loose.<<

**As they rreached the hangers and were about to climb in to the ships next to Daniels another set of rings came down. Yet Sam didn't notice.

+++ Where are they? In a ship? In a ground base somewhere? The reader needs to know to 'see' the action in their mind.

** Fireing at the Jacob, who had run to protect his daughter, the Jaffa, who were this time surrounded by shields grabbed Sam roughly and stood back in to postion. The blinding galre came again, taking the Jaffa and one kicking and screaming Sam with them.

+++Question: Can they grab someone if they're behind shields? Check this out.

** Jack didn't waste a second, and he ran to where Jacob had fallen. "It's alright." he said. "Selmac will heal me, but he can't heal my heart. I need my daughter back for that." Jack glanced worridly at Jacob yet discovered Selmac had taken control. "Jacob is shocked and upset. i will take control of him for now." he said. "But we must get Samantha back soon. We don't know the full extent of the Gou'lds torture weopens yet."

+++ We were never told Jacob was hit. You can't let us assume. Maybe something like:

>>Jacob ran toward his daughter's side trying to protect her. The lead Jaffa saw his chance and fired on the running man, striking his leg. Jacob fell as the Jaffa grabbed Samanth and stepped into position for the rings.<<

I mean, that's really rough, off the top of my head, but I think it will show what I'm aiming at.

** "Torture?" Daniels shaky voice emerged from one of the ships.
Selmac nodded grimly.

+++ This is the first time Daniel is mentined and why was he in a ship? What kind of ship?

Not bad for a first shot at an action scene, Jessa. Just keep playing at it and things will start to fall in place.

Gemsong · 13th July 2001, 07:57 PM

In other words, Jessa

Don't Stop Writing!!!

Your potential is there. Feedback is to help you develop it. If it wasn't any good, believe me, none of us would bother.

I get emails that point out the holes in my fic. Then I go back and plug the holes on the re-write. It makes me a better writer. It will do the same for you.

You've got a good start here. Don't give up on yourself.

imported_Sandman · 13th July 2001, 08:18 PM

great start. if you keep writing you will undoubtedly get better at it, and though it may not get any easier, you'll have more fun. i'll be waiting to read your next part.

pamie · 13th July 2001, 09:10 PM

Hey great start Jessa...I get nic to read through my fic before I post it on here and she tells me if its ok or points out anything that is wrong which is a great help to me.

But can't wait for some more and keep up the good work

Pam

MsGudBod · 13th July 2001, 11:01 PM

Great start Jessa.
You show promise and a flare for action. Keep it up. I await the next part.

And to think i was gonna write you a special Danny story to make up for not putting enough of you in "Auntie Blue". No need now seeing as you can write it yourself.

jsc · 14th July 2001, 07:38 AM

We are visual people and the hardest thing to do is to write what you see for others to read. It takes practice. You have a good start! And friends who will encourage you... and poke you to do better! AND YOU WILL. KEEP ON! The mob is behind you!.... maybe I had better say that the mob is pulling for you! AND WE ARE! YOU GO GIRL!

Rewrite and repost your start!

Maria8475 · 14th July 2001, 02:59 PM

Yes Jessa, we are totally behind you and you'll keep getting that encouragement that got you started in the first place.

Remember: "Never give up. Never surrender!"

You'll be great, i can feel it! And you get a gold star for effort :star:

nic · 14th July 2001, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pamie
Hey great start Jessa...I get nic to read through my fic before I post it on here and she tells me if its ok or points out anything that is wrong which is a great help to me.

But can't wait for some more and keep up the good work

Pam

Careful Pam, you'll give me a big head... well, a BIGGER head than the one I've got!! LOL!

(Thanks for looking through my work too!)

Jessa, it's looking great. Plus, you're writing follows the characters personalities really well.

JCS's right, we are a visual bunch, but don't let that get you clogged down in writing every little detail of a scene!
Personally, I can't really write stories or spell, but I can write (or try to write

) scripts and I can direct - therefore the work I do is very similar to a script format.
I like to leave it up to the reader to picture facial expression and stuff, so they're more involved.

Anyway, keep it up luv!

Jessa · 14th July 2001, 04:05 PM

Right. Thanx everyone for the feed back. very much appreciated. Now to answer some of the questions Rowan so very kindly asked.

I said at the very beginning that it was taking off from the end of the previous series. i haven't had a chance to re write it yet cos i have been out all day but will probably post tomorrow and will continue in about a week cos i'm off for me summer hols.

I will take everyones points and think VERY CAREFULLY about how i should start again.

Ta Jessa:blpaw:

nic · 14th July 2001, 04:17 PM

Enjoy your holiday!
Nicola x x

pamie · 14th July 2001, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by nic

Careful Pam, you'll give me a big head... well, a BIGGER head than the one I've got!! LOL! (Thanks for looking through my work too!)

Personally, I can't really write stories or spell,

LOL

Like nic I can't really write stories very well (although I think you do well nic) and I can't spell to save my life (thank god for spell checkers) but i do try my best and I know that everyone in here will be nice and honest about everything they read.
So keep up with the writing Jessa and can't wait for your next post.

p.s enjoy your holiday

jsc · 15th July 2001, 11:26 AM

You were writing a missing scene, Jessa? From what show ? I guess I missed that.... Sorry!

Jessa · 15th July 2001, 03:29 PM

It is NOT a missing scene! i am writing what i think should happen at the beggining of the next series. Did you see the end of last series? Anyway! my rewrite.

*This mission is going terribly wrong* Samantha Carter thought to herself as she half listened to what her father was saying. She suddenly snapped back to attention when her father asked her a question.

"Sam. What do you think we should do?" he asked.
"What?" Sam asked, bewildered. Jacob/Selmac sighed and repeated what he had just said.
"We don't have a lot of time. Those Jaffa on the other ship won't take long to sort themselves out. We need a plan. And with Teal'c not being here, it will make things alot harder." Sam looked up at her father.

"Well I don't know what to do exactly, but i do have an idea. We could use the gliders and see if we can find out where we are."
"But.." Sam held up her hand to silence Jacob and carried on.
"The problem with that is that we don't have the hyperlaunch and they do have the advantage of having a hell of a lot more people than us."

Jacob looked thoughtful, then just as he was about to speak, Colonol O'Neill came running in to the room.

"Ummm.... i think we have a problem. roughly 200 Jaffa just transported on to the ship. Apophis was with them."

*GREAT! just as we thought things couldn't get any worse!* suddenly she looked around and realised Jacob and Daniel had gone, so she ran after them.

Sma quickly caught up with Daniel and Jacob. The colonol was no where to be seen. "where are we going?" she asked, looking from side to side. "To the gliders" was Jacobs reply.

When they arrived, Colonol O'Neillwas already there and in one of the gliders.
"Come on kids. "he called as they came running in. Daniel got into the same glider as Jack and as Sam climbed up the kind of stepladder by the side of the glider, her father was in, when she was hit in the shoulder by a staff weopen. Falling to ground, hard, she passed out with the pain and the several Jaffa that ahd come marching in the room, picked her up. One of them shooting the shouting Jacob with a Zat gun. Jack, who had only just managed to get out of the glider, ran over to Jacob, but he was on his feet already. "Sam." Jack muttered. And it was then, he swore he would kill Apophis. With his own bare hands for taking two of his closest friends. Jacob was staring in to hte space he had last seen Sam and a tear slowly made it's way down his cheek.

Any better? No? didn't think so. Damn. guess i'll just have to either give up or do another rewrite.

Jessa:blpaw:

Jessa · 15th July 2001, 03:32 PM

And i will enjoy my hols, ta very much. only 5 days left of school.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessa:blpaw:

13th July 2001, 04:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
Jessa aka Padfoot Join Date: May 2001 Location: can't remember. if i don't know if i'm human, what makes u think i can remember where i live? Posts: 3,424	The beginning of the end Right! new fic! i had loads of encouragement so here it is! the first part. This is what i think should happen at the beginning of the new series "Sam! Run!" Jacob Carter shouted, running after the remaining member of SG-1, yet Sam lingered, slightly unsure of what to do. Suddenly there was a bright light in the room and several transporter rings zoomed in to place. This brought Sam back in to action as she bought her weopen up to meet the unsuspecting Jaffa. Jacob turned back into the room and pushed Sam towards the door. "RUN!" he shouted again and the two of them sprinted after Daniel and the colonol. As they rreached the hangers and were about to climb in to the ships next to Daniels another set of rings came down. Yet Sam didn't notice. Fireing at the Jacob, who had run to protect his daughter, the Jaffa, who were this time surrounded by shields grabbed Sam roughly and stood back in to postion. The blinding galre came again, taking the Jaffa and one kicking and screaming Sam with them. Jack didn't waste a second, and he ran to where Jacob had fallen. "It's alright." he said. "Selmac will heal me, but he can't heal my heart. I need my daughter back for that." Jack glanced worridly at Jacob yet discovered Selmac had taken control. "Jacob is shocked and upset. i will take control of him for now." he said. "But we must get Samantha back soon. We don't know the full extent of the Gou'lds torture weopens yet." "Torture?" Daniels shaky voice emerged from one of the ships. Selmac nodded grimly. Ta da! what do ya think? Good or bad? i will improve it! honest. Please be honest. Ta Jessa:blpaw:

13th July 2001, 06:07 PM	#2 (permalink)
Rowan Registered User Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: In the wilds of Puget Sound. Near Seth and Cascade, WA. Posts: 2,480	Re: The beginning of the end Okay... I can do feedback. "Sam! Run!" Jacob Carter shouted, running after the remaining member of SG-1, yet Sam lingered, slightly unsure of what to do. Suddenly there was a bright light in the room and several transporter rings zoomed in to place. This brought Sam back in to action as she bought her weopen up to meet the unsuspecting Jaffa. +++ Right off the bat... what's going on? You open right in the middle of an action scene and there's no clue as to why things are happeneing. You might try something like. >> It hand only been a few minutes into the Earth/Tok'ra recon mission to P3x-354 when all hell broke loose.<< As they rreached the hangers and were about to climb in to the ships next to Daniels another set of rings came down. Yet Sam didn't notice. +++ Where are they? In a ship? In a ground base somewhere? The reader needs to know to 'see' the action in their mind. Fireing at the Jacob, who had run to protect his daughter, the Jaffa, who were this time surrounded by shields grabbed Sam roughly and stood back in to postion. The blinding galre came again, taking the Jaffa and one kicking and screaming Sam with them. +++Question: Can they grab someone if they're behind shields? Check this out. Jack didn't waste a second, and he ran to where Jacob had fallen. "It's alright." he said. "Selmac will heal me, but he can't heal my heart. I need my daughter back for that." Jack glanced worridly at Jacob yet discovered Selmac had taken control. "Jacob is shocked and upset. i will take control of him for now." he said. "But we must get Samantha back soon. We don't know the full extent of the Gou'lds torture weopens yet." +++ We were never told Jacob was hit. You can't let us assume. Maybe something like: >>Jacob ran toward his daughter's side trying to protect her. The lead Jaffa saw his chance and fired on the running man, striking his leg. Jacob fell as the Jaffa grabbed Samanth and stepped into position for the rings.<< I mean, that's really rough, off the top of my head, but I think it will show what I'm aiming at. ** "Torture?" Daniels shaky voice emerged from one of the ships. Selmac nodded grimly. +++ This is the first time Daniel is mentined and why was he in a ship? What kind of ship? Not bad for a first shot at an action scene, Jessa. Just keep playing at it and things will start to fall in place.

13th July 2001, 07:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
Gemsong The Spawn Queen Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Nia'Ladam Posts: 2,379	In other words, Jessa Don't Stop Writing!!! Your potential is there. Feedback is to help you develop it. If it wasn't any good, believe me, none of us would bother. I get emails that point out the holes in my fic. Then I go back and plug the holes on the re-write. It makes me a better writer. It will do the same for you. You've got a good start here. Don't give up on yourself.

13th July 2001, 08:18 PM	#4 (permalink)
imported_Sandman confused Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: San Diego, California Posts: 1,222	great start. if you keep writing you will undoubtedly get better at it, and though it may not get any easier, you'll have more fun. i'll be waiting to read your next part.

13th July 2001, 09:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
pamie Space Monkey! Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: South coast of the UK Posts: 3,091	Hey great start Jessa...I get nic to read through my fic before I post it on here and she tells me if its ok or points out anything that is wrong which is a great help to me. But can't wait for some more and keep up the good work Pam

13th July 2001, 11:01 PM	#6 (permalink)
MsGudBod Cherokee Pride Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Louisiana Posts: 1,234	Great start Jessa. You show promise and a flare for action. Keep it up. I await the next part. And to think i was gonna write you a special Danny story to make up for not putting enough of you in "Auntie Blue". No need now seeing as you can write it yourself.

14th July 2001, 07:38 AM	#7 (permalink)
jsc God Like Member Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Los Angeles, California,U.S.A. Posts: 4,352	We are visual people and the hardest thing to do is to write what you see for others to read. It takes practice. You have a good start! And friends who will encourage you... and poke you to do better! AND YOU WILL. KEEP ON! The mob is behind you!.... maybe I had better say that the mob is pulling for you! AND WE ARE! YOU GO GIRL! Rewrite and repost your start!

14th July 2001, 02:59 PM	#8 (permalink)
Maria8475 It goes on..... Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 4,690	Yes Jessa, we are totally behind you and you'll keep getting that encouragement that got you started in the first place. Remember: "Never give up. Never surrender!" You'll be great, i can feel it! And you get a gold star for effort :star:

14th July 2001, 04:05 PM	#10 (permalink)
Jessa aka Padfoot Join Date: May 2001 Location: can't remember. if i don't know if i'm human, what makes u think i can remember where i live? Posts: 3,424	Right. Thanx everyone for the feed back. very much appreciated. Now to answer some of the questions Rowan so very kindly asked. I said at the very beginning that it was taking off from the end of the previous series. i haven't had a chance to re write it yet cos i have been out all day but will probably post tomorrow and will continue in about a week cos i'm off for me summer hols. I will take everyones points and think VERY CAREFULLY about how i should start again. Ta Jessa:blpaw:

14th July 2001, 04:17 PM	#11 (permalink)
nic Stomping Turnips Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Just outside Newcastle, England Posts: 2,629	Enjoy your holiday! Nicola x x

15th July 2001, 11:26 AM	#13 (permalink)
jsc God Like Member Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Los Angeles, California,U.S.A. Posts: 4,352	You were writing a missing scene, Jessa? From what show ? I guess I missed that.... Sorry!

15th July 2001, 03:29 PM	#14 (permalink)
Jessa aka Padfoot Join Date: May 2001 Location: can't remember. if i don't know if i'm human, what makes u think i can remember where i live? Posts: 3,424	It is NOT a missing scene! i am writing what i think should happen at the beggining of the next series. Did you see the end of last series? Anyway! my rewrite. This mission is going terribly wrong Samantha Carter thought to herself as she half listened to what her father was saying. She suddenly snapped back to attention when her father asked her a question. "Sam. What do you think we should do?" he asked. "What?" Sam asked, bewildered. Jacob/Selmac sighed and repeated what he had just said. "We don't have a lot of time. Those Jaffa on the other ship won't take long to sort themselves out. We need a plan. And with Teal'c not being here, it will make things alot harder." Sam looked up at her father. "Well I don't know what to do exactly, but i do have an idea. We could use the gliders and see if we can find out where we are." "But.." Sam held up her hand to silence Jacob and carried on. "The problem with that is that we don't have the hyperlaunch and they do have the advantage of having a hell of a lot more people than us." Jacob looked thoughtful, then just as he was about to speak, Colonol O'Neill came running in to the room. "Ummm.... i think we have a problem. roughly 200 Jaffa just transported on to the ship. Apophis was with them." GREAT! just as we thought things couldn't get any worse! suddenly she looked around and realised Jacob and Daniel had gone, so she ran after them. Sma quickly caught up with Daniel and Jacob. The colonol was no where to be seen. "where are we going?" she asked, looking from side to side. "To the gliders" was Jacobs reply. When they arrived, Colonol O'Neillwas already there and in one of the gliders. "Come on kids. "he called as they came running in. Daniel got into the same glider as Jack and as Sam climbed up the kind of stepladder by the side of the glider, her father was in, when she was hit in the shoulder by a staff weopen. Falling to ground, hard, she passed out with the pain and the several Jaffa that ahd come marching in the room, picked her up. One of them shooting the shouting Jacob with a Zat gun. Jack, who had only just managed to get out of the glider, ran over to Jacob, but he was on his feet already. "Sam." Jack muttered. And it was then, he swore he would kill Apophis. With his own bare hands for taking two of his closest friends. Jacob was staring in to hte space he had last seen Sam and a tear slowly made it's way down his cheek. Any better? No? didn't think so. Damn. guess i'll just have to either give up or do another rewrite. Jessa:blpaw:

15th July 2001, 03:32 PM	#15 (permalink)
Jessa aka Padfoot Join Date: May 2001 Location: can't remember. if i don't know if i'm human, what makes u think i can remember where i live? Posts: 3,424	And i will enjoy my hols, ta very much. only 5 days left of school. YES!!!!!!!!!!! Jessa:blpaw: