Re: Short story intro
One last point, cos it's just occurred to me (and I'll write it in a new comment in case you've seen the previous one already) - if you choose to keep the story pretty much as is, consider making the first lines more gripping, more shocking. Some of L's best works do that:
"It is true that I have sent six bullets through the head of my best friend, and yet I hope to show by this statement that I am not his murderer. At first I shall be called a madman--madder than the man I shot in his cell at the Arkham Sanitarium."
--The Thing on the Doorstep
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far."
--The Call of Cthulhu