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springs · 6th July 2012, 12:33 AM

[QUOTE=kaufmannp;1622847]

I'd delete the whole bit up to here, and try to feed it in at some point, later, if it's needed. Alternatively, I might just keep it in my head, without it ever being referenced again.

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys playing at the edge of the forest happened to be present for the event. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the betterpart of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided, and they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds.

Here I'd sink into one of the pov's:

Tony(for the sake of argument) hunkered down, keeping his breath as quiet as he could. They'd been playing all afternoon, chasing each other, adn he was tired now. The day started to turn towards dust, and he heard the all-clear being called; the game was over. He crawled out of the undergrowth, and saw a streak of light - a ship, he guessed, but off course and coming much too fat - above him.

(I'm afraid then, I'd delete the whole bit about the boys' game. It's too early to engage me: I need someone to hook onto to. For now, I'm using Tony.)

As Tony watched, a second vessel appeared... remembering that your point of view is now a child with whatever knowledge he has of space ships. (I'd scribble a few notes at this stage about who he is, what he's likely to know/have seen.)
For me, that's it, if we use the child pov. If we use the ship's pov we see it from a diffeent angle and can include different detail. But you need to get in close to one, I think.

It's not a problem of context - I can see enough here to tell your grammar etc are good. It's a problem of finding the most engaging place to start (I think it's the boys, but it's your story and you might feel otherwise, in which case go with it) and taking me through it from that person's shoulder, the whole way, like I'm there with them.

6th July 2012, 12:33 AM	#5 (permalink)
springs Dramatically tremendous Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Antrim Posts: 4,715 Blog Entries: 85	Re: Chapter 1; version 2.0 [QUOTE=kaufmannp;1622847] I'd delete the whole bit up to here, and try to feed it in at some point, later, if it's needed. Alternatively, I might just keep it in my head, without it ever being referenced again. It was only mere chance that a small group of boys playing at the edge of the forest happened to be present for the event. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the betterpart of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided, and they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds. Here I'd sink into one of the pov's: Tony(for the sake of argument) hunkered down, keeping his breath as quiet as he could. They'd been playing all afternoon, chasing each other, adn he was tired now. The day started to turn towards dust, and he heard the all-clear being called; the game was over. He crawled out of the undergrowth, and saw a streak of light - a ship, he guessed, but off course and coming much too fat - above him. (I'm afraid then, I'd delete the whole bit about the boys' game. It's too early to engage me: I need someone to hook onto to. For now, I'm using Tony.) As Tony watched, a second vessel appeared... remembering that your point of view is now a child with whatever knowledge he has of space ships. (I'd scribble a few notes at this stage about who he is, what he's likely to know/have seen.) For me, that's it, if we use the child pov. If we use the ship's pov we see it from a diffeent angle and can include different detail. But you need to get in close to one, I think. It's not a problem of context - I can see enough here to tell your grammar etc are good. It's a problem of finding the most engaging place to start (I think it's the boys, but it's your story and you might feel otherwise, in which case go with it) and taking me through it from that person's shoulder, the whole way, like I'm there with them.