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Fishbowl Helmet · 5th July 2012, 09:07 PM

The format is rather wasteful of space. It looks like padding to me.

The gist is interesting, after a fashion, but it's entirely unbelievable. You have a scientist who has just discovered the cure for all cancer everywhere but he opens with "Sorry about my delayed response." The recipient responds, great news, oh, yeah, my wife asked if you could come over for eats. Don't buy it at all. Unless it's an out-patient schizophrenic emailing his doctor who knows better.

Scientist 1 claims he's discovered the cure for all cancers and Scientist 2 waits 4 days to say, "Well done, bring the wife and kids over for lunch this weekend"? Not buying that at all.

They would be exchanging calls or texts that went, "Get here now and verify this NOW!!!!!!" not emailing days or weeks apart in a conversational tone and talking about their weekend plans. Human testing? No way it would happen that quickly, it would be confirmed by a dozen independent scientists around the world, go through extensive animal testing, repeated independent confirmations, then maybe, a few years later start human trials. So the old lady getting a shot either ends his career that second, or he's doing it under the table, which he would never admit to another scientist unless he wanted his career to end that instant too. Injecting himself, sure why not, but no way there's someone else getting a shot, much less Scientist 1 chatting it up.

The lab break in, buried in the email, nonchalantly? Write these scenes out, there's all kinds of drama here that you're throwing away. Scientist 2 comes to the lab after 3 months of no contact and a break in at his own lab? He finds dried blood everywhere and doesn't instantly flip out and call campus security, etc. Not believable at all.

Main points I am looking for is, is it. 1. Interesting. 2.Holds attention. 3. Don't include it when sending work in to agents.

1. Not really. It's not only tell instead of show, it's tell in a bland format.

2. No.

3. No.

I like the premise and find that interesting. But you're taking events that would make a great opening for a piece and sucking out all the action, emotion, and drama by presenting them as emails.

5th July 2012, 09:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
Fishbowl Helmet Ask the next question... Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 260	Re: Dead County prologue. The format is rather wasteful of space. It looks like padding to me. The gist is interesting, after a fashion, but it's entirely unbelievable. You have a scientist who has just discovered the cure for all cancer everywhere but he opens with "Sorry about my delayed response." The recipient responds, great news, oh, yeah, my wife asked if you could come over for eats. Don't buy it at all. Unless it's an out-patient schizophrenic emailing his doctor who knows better. Scientist 1 claims he's discovered the cure for all cancers and Scientist 2 waits 4 days to say, "Well done, bring the wife and kids over for lunch this weekend"? Not buying that at all. They would be exchanging calls or texts that went, "Get here now and verify this NOW!!!!!!" not emailing days or weeks apart in a conversational tone and talking about their weekend plans. Human testing? No way it would happen that quickly, it would be confirmed by a dozen independent scientists around the world, go through extensive animal testing, repeated independent confirmations, then maybe, a few years later start human trials. So the old lady getting a shot either ends his career that second, or he's doing it under the table, which he would never admit to another scientist unless he wanted his career to end that instant too. Injecting himself, sure why not, but no way there's someone else getting a shot, much less Scientist 1 chatting it up. The lab break in, buried in the email, nonchalantly? Write these scenes out, there's all kinds of drama here that you're throwing away. Scientist 2 comes to the lab after 3 months of no contact and a break in at his own lab? He finds dried blood everywhere and doesn't instantly flip out and call campus security, etc. Not believable at all. Main points I am looking for is, is it. 1. Interesting. 2.Holds attention. 3. Don't include it when sending work in to agents. 1. Not really. It's not only tell instead of show, it's tell in a bland format. 2. No. 3. No. I like the premise and find that interesting. But you're taking events that would make a great opening for a piece and sucking out all the action, emotion, and drama by presenting them as emails. Last edited by Fishbowl Helmet; 5th July 2012 at 09:19 PM.