[ctg]

Dear, oh dear. This action-action is slow as emptying a can of syrup. I think you need to read a bit current action dramas and find out how the masters do it. My absolute number one favourites (at the moment) are in R.Morgan's Alternate Carbon. They are fast and furious.

Originally Posted by TomS

“OK, I’m hooked up. Start the winch.” In one smooth movement, he drew his gun out of its holster with one hand while grabbing the rope with the other.

In one smooth move he drew his gun ... stop there.

the problem here is double gender words. Not good.

...out of his holster with one hand ...

Although it is great to give indication about where the gun had been at beginning of the action, it's not recommend to keep repeating it as the readers might already have figure out it's in a holster. Also note third gender word.

... while grabbing the rope with other.

you forgot the comma.


You could have written:

"Okay." Don nodded sharply. "Start the winch."

He squeezed the cable tight and pointed the gun down.

You not only remove the long sentence, but you also move reader into the character head and up coming task. Although it's recommend to keep the sentence short and choppy, you can still add a bit flavour in the narrative sentence.

"Okay." Don nodded sharply. "Start the winch."

He squeezed the cable tight and pointed the gun down as the old engine coughed couple of times.

In a few moments, he started the slow rise up the hill. He was just ten feet off the ground when the creature came into view fifty feet away. It was just under three and a half meters tall and was all legs.

Here's a thing. You build up tension, but then you start mixing units. Either stay with the imperial measurements or switch to metrics. Another thing is, even though you're building up tension, the reader is having hard time imagining, what we he's going. Is a rail, is it an engine, is it a swing? what is he using and where is going?

In my example, I'd have written,

"Okay." Don nodded sharply. "Start the winch."

He squeezed the cable tight and pointed the gun down as the old engine coughed couple of times. The ball, which he was standing, went through the hole in the floor and half way through, he saw it. The creature was huge. It was at least three and half meters tall.

Notice how I start to shortening the sentences, while I ramp up the tension. You should do the same. It drives the adrenaline.

It moved like a jackrabbit and had a head full of teeth.

"Bring out the holy hand grenade."

Sorry, I cannot help it. I had to quote.

Given its speed and ferocity,

How does the reader know how ferocious the creature is? You're telling here, instead of showing.

evolution apparently didn’t give it any kind of camouflage that could be seen as it was pale beige in color. It stopped at the edge of the forest when it saw him, but only for a moment. Then it took off toward him at full speed.

You keep liking the long sentences that indicate slower pacing and in the same time, you're describing the thing as if the readers would observing Attenburough's nature documentary.

Don pointed his pistol at the oncoming creature and fired.

You could had written in my example,

Don draw a bead and fired. Even at full power, the beam did nothing. There was no visible damage. Not even a scorch mark. And it was as if the creature had not even noticed, when it charged towards him. But he wasn't giving up so easily. Don aimed again and squeezed the trigger. This time he kept pulling and in a blink of an eye the beam intensified. At first there was puff of smoke and then a small batch of hair burst in fire. But the creature didn't stop. It jumped in the air, opened its mouth and snapped it close, barely missing the mark.

Don looked up and shouted, "Pull me up."

What I try to illustrate is a threat and response. The writing is much faster pace and I only extend the sentences to drop in enough of description for the readers to understand what's going on. What you should note that most of the world-building has gone out from the window and there's only the bare essential. And at the end, I'm trying to illustrate the duress the character is going through.

Even at full power, the beam had to remain constant for two or three seconds in order to do any real damage, and since it was a moving target, it only managed to slow the animal briefly. As it continued toward him, Don hoped that the thing couldn’t climb the hill as he was around forty feet from the bottom. Unfortunately, he had no such luck. The hill wasn’t so steep for an animal that size and that had evolved in that gravity.

Watch your sentence length. Also watch how you build up tension. At here, not much is happening, even if the creature resembles the killer rabbit from the Holy Grail.

In almost no time, the thing was directly beneath him, its jaws opened wide. He fired again directly into its mouth. This time, the creature screamed as the beam seared the soft flesh at the back of its throat. It tumbled down the hill and lay clawing at its neck trying to expel the pain. As the winch continued to pull Don up to the ship, he re-holstered his weapon and muttered, “State of the art,” to himself.

Plausibility. Why short burst in the mouth do more damage then longer one?

He arrived at the top of the hill without further incident but their troubles weren’t over. The screams of the creature Don had shot must have alerted others of its kind. Just as he was unhooking from the line, a dozen or so of the tall, beige creatures came galloping toward the ship. They were still several hundred meters away but it wouldn’t take them long to close the distance. Don insisted on being the last one to board the ship so he stood by the loading ramp with his pistol in hand while the three scientists rushed inside.

You have built up tension, but it's not really action-action. More like a short description. Not good. Or well, I'd laughing my bottom off to the image of beige, fluffy creatures with a mouth full sharp teeth.

If you're not listening me, take a note what girls has written to you. They are good.