23rd June 2012, 12:22 PM
In the Woods
Join Date: May 2011
Re: Short story intro
George Campbell, the seventeenth Earl of Rawcliffe, one time get rid of 'one time' playboy dilettante and hedonist, had suddenly become 'had suddenly become' sounds too modern in the context imo. Maybe 'became, in defiance of all expectation, withdrawn and nervous' ? |
The change occurred abruptly the week of his birthday and he had since shunned all social remove 'social' company excepting that of my own. When first I visited him after his most inexplicable and singular change in character ? does your narrator know before this first visit about the change? - it reads as if he does. If so, how? And if not then imo change this to reflect that fact.
I noted with a vague unease that he had dismissed all of - remove 'of' his servants and now sat alone in the huge 'huge' too modern-soundingand disquieting manor house get rid of 'house' and just have 'manor' that was his ancestral home. Whereas Where here instead of Whereas imo such normal get rid of 'normal'visits had once consisted of incessant, cheerful discursives ? 'discursives' sounds really forced. What's wrong with 'discussions' or 'discourse'?on current affairs or more meaningful preambles on the subjects of philosophy and art, now our nights together occluded?occluded? a rather strained atmosphere. Gone was the joyful, lively George with a zest for the finer points 'things' here not 'points' - or just 'zest for life' in life.
All that remained was a trembling, macabre shell of his original form. ?Has he changed physically aswell then? It took immeasurable effort to hold his attention on any one subject, yet even when he did talk comma here an observer would no doubt have agreed with my perception that he was always pausing to listen to something other than his friends' narratives. Never, though, could I discern any esoteric sounds other than those that typically accompany such immense and ancient constructions as was the manner of his vast and historic family home. What do you mean here? Imo change this last sentence. I don't get how for example, creaking floorboards, or the crackle of a fire in a grate could 'accompany' a house.
Hope that's some help. It's good and I want to know - I would read it for sure. Only thing is some words seem forced into the narrative and don't sit right.