Join Date: Oct 2011
Re: Emmisary (about 1300 words)...
the formatting gets us all.
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The Queen sat in the chambers that had been - I'm not sure you need. assigned to her. Large and luxurious, they were apparently intended for leaders of other nations, even though she suspected they paled compared to the? private chambers of the emperor himselfI found this sentence a little unwieldy. . Still, they had acknowledged her as that muchas what much? a leader of another nation - because the thoughts about the emperor came in I lost the thread a little. , at least.It didn't really work for me, I'm afraid. It didn't seem to be tight enough - there were a lot of words that I thought could go. I think the idea is interesting, and there is obviously plenty of intrigue, but as a piece, it didn't entirely work for me.
She might have gone around the palace and attempted to sway high ranking court members further, but she knew she was being watched, and she needed this time to think.
Next to the entrance to the chamber, right on the inside as you entered, stood two of the escort guards she had brought along for this mission, one Immortal man and one Immortal woman. Glemadhal, captain of her escort and a prominent warrior of her fair realm a bit of a cliche, had taken along the other two on a mission to scout the palace for threats to her safety.
The situation did not seem particularly hopeful. She had sensed hostility from that archbishop all along, and the emperor himself was unreadable. That was strange. No one else - since someone is....was unreadable to her. Yet, he wore some necklace with a symbol of Latak’s prominent religion on it. It was an especially complex symbol, as if the person wearing it was anointed. Could that be what was blocking her? Could a simple thing like that make her enormous powers with the Arts just wane?here I think I'd like to have a bit of mystery... don't tell us about the necklace now, but when she's close to him, could she see it? Let the reader make the jump, stretch their mind a little?
She was greatly suspicious about the Latakian religionso how have we got from the above to here?. Believing the emperor to be nothing more than a power hungry tyrant, which was more than trouble enough, she suspected the real enemy was that religion, or in that religionsorry I'm lost, I went from religion, to power crazed, to religion, to an unknown element of the religion?. The question was, had their faith been infiltrated by supernatural forces of darkness, or had it been an extension of said forces all along? In any case, it did change a lot of things. If it was true that their religion was a major player in the empire’s plans for expansion, she and her people could act resolutely. Unlike meddling in strictly mundane affairs, toppling a dark theocracy was well with the mandate of the Immortals in this world.I rather like that, though, it seems to be just the sort of thing Immortals should be doing.
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Glemadhal was in the lower floors of the Imperial Palace, a place strictly off-limits to outsiders. That was precisely why he needed to go here. If they were planning something nasty - I'd leave it out, we kind of know she's not amongst friends. for his mistress and queen, it would be in restricted areas.
He had put the two other Immortal - you've told us above, you could lose this warriors he had taken along with him - I think you could lose this, too. from the queen’s escort to watch the more openly permitted areas of the palace and taken upon himself to do the more risky but also more important task. Yes, it meant that he did not respect the limits set upon them by their hosts, but frankly, their hosts they to save the repetition of host? did not respect the sovereignty of other nations, so he had little qualms about violating rights they thought they had, especially if it needed to be done to safeguard his queen.
A little less than an hour of search, evading notice from the guards posted in various places along the way by swift steps on his lithe feet, had brought him to the dormitories of the palace guardshere I really think you need to do a bit of showing to draw me in. How did he get past them? Was it close? Were there a lot of them? Was he frightened? . That was a start, but not quite what he was after. He went on for merely - I'd lose, as an adverb it adds little. a few more moments before hearing voices as he slipped past the door to what seemed to be some sort of briefing room.
He hedouble he. quietly stepped through the next door, a few yards beyond, into an unlit room and pressed an ear to the wall towards the briefing room.I'm getting lost a bit. From there, he heard a strict masculine voice passing orders.
”...ness Motak has decided this foreign ‘queen’ is to be captured and her companions disposed of. We will gather up - don't need a large force of armed men outside her door, in case she tries some tricks.- I expected a more military tone. Once we are ready, we make one swift move, shoot her companions on sight wherever they are and capture her. No warnings. Just one swift move.” The man finished. ”I know you will perform your duty honourably!”So, military types, they like precision. I'd like to hear him allocating roles, giving precise timings.
Glemadhal’s apprehension rose, but he was not surprised. Talk about ”honourably” shooting people - even enemies - without warning galled him, but he was too hardened to let it get to him much. In any case, his mistress needed to be warned, and fast. Time to move back out.
As he darted for the door, someone stepped into the room, carrying a torch to light up the place. First came a huge, muscular man with a vicious grin who had to bend to get through the door, and he was soon followed by several others. The massive man suddenly caught sight of him, and exclaimed.the action here is more interesting. the him at the end stopped and made me think who is was since there are others in the room.
”So, what have we here? a?Sneaky man has snuck where he don’t belong. You may have gotten in here, little man, but you won’t get out.”
Before long, there were a full dozen men in the room, facing him, now - I'd lose, the huge man included. They were all carryingcarrying or wearing? dark brown uniforms with black collars. He had heard of these men, mostly from Niara’s infiltration missions. They were ruthless enforcers of their emperor, responsible for the quiet disappearance of countless of his political adversaries. The were heavily combat-trained, these brutes, and schooled in martial arts. The collars represented skill, and only the best of the best made it to the level required to wear black. He had stepped into the very room of those elite guards, and he was facing twelve of them. It was unfortunate. It might delay his warning to his queen for a few moments.the end line made me laugh. I have to say, though, nothing of what I've seen of the elite guards has made me believe they really are.
”I am guessing you won’t be stepping out of my way?” Glemadhal asked the large man.
The man made a wicked snarl. ”Not likely, little man. I shall enjoy beating you.”
”Well, I had to ask,” he said, stepping forward.
The huge man raised his enormous right fist to strike down upon him. Glemadhal, height only to the man’s shoulders, raised his smaller fist to meet it. There was a loud crack at the moment of impact, as the large man’s knuckles were shattered, replacing a confident expression by one of pain and disbelief. Glemadhal did not give him long. He grabbed the wrist of the man’s outstretched arm and threw him like a rag doll, and the man’s over three hundred pounds, mostly muscle, just flew several yards and slammed hard into the wall on the other side of the room, creating another sound of shattered bones. The man would not rise again any time soon, if ever.did he shout? did Glemadhal break into a sweat? any sensations?
He had thought that display of force might dissuade the remaining elite guards, but they were somehow fanatic, driven by madness, and they charged. He cracked arms, legs and ribs in rapid succession. For the most part, they were too slow to counter his blows, and even when they were not, the force he could put behind his attacks was so overwhelming that the bones in the limbs raised to deflect them just cracked, absorbing only an insignificant part their devastating momentum. Their hits on him were not even an issue, being only a few glancing blows barely generating the slimmest amount of pain.
Soon enough, they were down to five men, and they started to change tactic, drawing batons that had been clasped onto their belts. He responded by unsheathing his own - don't need sword, which had been well-hidden in a concealed scabbardthis I'd have liked to know about earlier. Where was it hidden - they're not the easiest thing to disguise. It took me out of the action while I wondered about it. . Charged up with potent enchantments, it clove through the batons with - extra word. as though they were mere twigs, and he went on to pound the men holding them into submission.
Before long, it was all - lose all? over. Less than a minute had passed between the moment when he had thrown the first man until there was no one left to stand against him. It had not been elegant. He had not had time to consider whether his blows were lethal, and most of these men would never stand again. But his queen’s safety by far outweighed that of a few brutes.
He sheathed his sword and darted for the door, hurrying back through the corridor.