[ctg]

Right, you want harshness.

Originally Posted by Shane Enochs

Aboard the starcraft carrier Advent

The first imagine I get from is a lego-space craft and a chocolate bar. Who in the wide universe would call their carrier something like that? Also could you drop the starcraft, please?

Commander Gabriel Young walked around the small ship, touching the cold metal of the landing struts.

Is Gabriel Young going to sing some songs in eighties style and also when did carriers become small? They used to be capital ships even if the fleet has a couple dreadnoughts in the ranks.

Inky-black and windowless, it looked more like a drone than a vessel meant to be piloted by men. Its long, arrowhead-shaped body was very aerodynamic, obviously built with atmospheric flight in mind. "It's beautiful."

Right. I think you've underestimated the power of the headline. It sets the tone, and the reader if they've been pulled out from the nothing and landed in a capital ship, expect to get capital ship details weaved among the smaller ships. You have forgotten that the little details make a huge difference. So, please go back and rewrite whole para.

"First of its kind," Fleet Commander Arnold Smith said proudly. "The SR-78. One deck; maximum crew of five. It's got four pulse detonation engines with a maximum air speed of Mach 8. It's also equipped with the latest stealth technology."

Fleet commander, you mean the admiral as there's no such a position as a fleet commander.

Gabriel nodded with approval. "It's a short-ranged scout ship."

Wouldn't say short-range if it's going to do an atmospheric jump and get back to the carrier. And what would be the point of having a short range in a vessel that's meant to gather viable information about the enemy movements? You could do that same thing with drones and satellites.

The old man grinned. "Not quite." He let his words hang in the air for a moment. "It's actually capable of opening slipstreams."

O.O

Slipstream. n.1. The turbulent flow of air driven backward by the propeller or propellers of an aircraft. Also called race2.
2. The area of reduced pressure or forward suction produced by and immediately behind a fast-moving object as it moves through air or water.


ookay....

"This tiny thing?" Even the smallest vessels equipped with FTL drives were huge in comparison. It took an enormous amount of energy to create an aperture into slipstream.

"Yeah. Listen, Gabe," Smith's tone turned abruptly serious. "I wouldn't normally ask you to do this, but this is from way above me."

A fleet commander is asking a favour. I wonder if you've mixed up a wing commander with your fleet commander. If that would be so then maybe he could ask a favour.

Gabriel's stomach started twisting. "Sir?"

Ominous. Maybe he's getting **** scared about what's coming next.

"Two months ago we received intelligence that a colony on Cyprus has been building unregistered ships, so we sent drones in to investigate. They never returned." He suddenly avoided Gabriel's eyes. "I need you to take this ship and scout the planet. Purely a recon mission. If they are building ships, we need to know about it as soon as possible."

There, your first big sin. Head-hopping. Seriously, the reader would be now focusing on fleet commander's speech, and bringing in an action descriptor in the middle of the dialogue and putting it that way can be considered as head-hopping.

Not good. If anything, you need to rewrite the para, and if needed, you can write longer narrative to explain thoughts and feelings so that you need to expose the information so much in the dialogue.

Damn, Gabriel thought. Building unregistered ships was a capital offense, especially if they were capable of interstellar travel. If the intelligence turned out to be true, Earth would send in dozens of battleships and bombard the planet. Nothing would be left alive.

"The plan is to drop out of slipstream in the nearest system, and then you and your crew will travel the rest of the way. It'll take the better part of a day to get there, but it should allow you to get in unnoticed," Smith said confidently.

Gabriel nodded. "When will I be launching?

"We'll be dropping out of slipstream in an hour. Be ready."

Why do you need to suddenly expose the information about Earth frowning upon building unregistered ships in deepness of the space? How would they know so fast? The whole thing feels like an info-dump and something that shouldn't be there in the first place. In fact, I'd say that whole piece feels as if you haven't considered all the implications about what you're writing and hence it reads to a knowledgeable reader like a joke.

If you don't want this to be read by serious minded people, then ignore my comments, please. Otherwise, please consider carefully what I'm saying.