Re: Another first critique...
Thank you Tecdavid! I'm very glad the funny came through. With regard to your first point, on the paragraph:
Behind them, on the dilapidated pine and aluminium workbench, the prototype of a cutting edge scientific instrument was making the kind of fizzing noise that usually means at least ten thousand volts seeking a victim. A capacitor popped, showering the lime floor with tiny debris.
How about: "On the dilapidated aluminium workbench their groundbreaking scientific instrument fizzed loudly, waiting for someone to shock."
Although I'm not sure if that flows right either. And I'm sorry for the number if typos in what I posted. I start to go blind to what I've written after I've stared at it enough.