Style bits, eh? Sure you can do style Chris and you have been doing them all along, but guess I'll have to provide some comment to it.
| Illuminated by the midday sun, its shadows shortened to squat stubs of their past and future selves, a brightly multi-coloured cottage-wagon trotted along on a little-used path through a forest. On the seat of the wagon sat a man of an indistinct physique. At first glance one wouldn’t consider him anything out of the ordinary. He wasn’t tall or particularly muscular, he didn’t wear fine clothes or any visible weapons, nor were his looks much more than average. Only his dark, dishevelled hair seemed somewhat peculiar. If it wasn’t for the oddly coloured wagon he drove or the small snow-lemur he kept as a pet, passersby would never look twice at him. |
I got a problem with the first and the last sentence as you can see. The first didn't engage me at all. Actually I skipped it and moved to the second straight away. So if there's something you can do, then please do it. Then you have the last sentence and I understand what you're trying to achieve by telling it there, but that alone is a bit too much of exposition. I would have liked to see him as one of those that has dropped out from the map of the world and nobody sees him. Not because he's invisible, but bccause he's a hobo, a homeless wanderer and everyone's too busy to notice him. So what you have done here has eliminated you a chance to tell that bit of story.
The road ran north, straight as an arrow, until beyond the horizon. It was unmistakably a military road though no longer in use. Some general or king of the past had felt the need for a direct route, though Jonndi had no idea from where to where. He just hoped that the destination or starting-point of this military mishap was still there, because he really didn’t feel like travelling all the way back on it. |
For a moment Jonndi believed that the sun and the solitude had finally made him go insane. An old man came staggering out of the dense forest, chest heaving rapidly, clothes torn, he looked like he had been running for days. But from where?
Read carefully these two paras as this is where you style changes from one narrator to another. In first you'll see omniscient you and in second you're approaching the close third. What I'm thinking is that you should choose one and stick to it. There is nothing wrong in omniscient narrator taken than you don't do constant head-hopping, and that you limit the POV to be a fly on the wall. However, if you're going to drop in the character head then start getting in from that second para in and stay there till the chapter breaks.
As the old man turned around, Jonndi suddenly recognized him and saw the same recognition reflected in the man’s eyes, who then, with an audible sigh of relieve, collapsed onto the ground. |
Worried, Jonndi jumped off the wagon and ran to his old friend. Kneeling by his side Jonndi examined the frail body looking for any signs of harm. The man’s breath had become shallow and his pulse felt weak and irregular, but the prone figure was merely unconscious and Jonndi couldn’t find any reason for his friend not to recover.
Just as Jonndi was about to carry his friend into the wagon, a squad of legionnaires came running onto the road about fifty paces ahead of him. Eyeing them suspiciously, Jonndi moved to stand in between them and his friend.
You miss a lot of character drama by sticking to look the scene from fly's perspective and not giving a character a chance to really express themselves. If you want I would advice you to write the scene in first person and then comparing it to this one. Do you see the difference?
Then the Decurion leading this band of lost-looking soldiers stepped forward. ‘This doesn’t concern you. We have orders to take that man with us. He is an escaped prisoner and we have to take him back to be executed.’
Why did he had to tell him that bit of information? What purpose does it serve? Couldn't you had let the character to do his own analysis?
You could had written - if this cursed keyboard allows me to show you:
Then the Decurion stepped forward. "This doesn't corcern you," He declared in loud voice. "He's our prisoner. So step back or face the consequences."
Jonddi looked a band of brothers creating a semi-circle behind their leader. Each and everyone of them had a hand wrapped around gladius, and shield readied to block a sudden strike. Whatever the old man had done, he certainly didn't deserve this. But neither he was ready to step back either. A bit of Clint Eastwood there, but I hope you get the point as what you don't say can be read from actions.
"How do I know you're strike me down any ways?"
"We are not murderers," the Decurion said. "He is."
The old man murderer? Jonddi shook his head vehemently. Could it be true?
"Take him." The decurion pointed the old man and straight away two legioner's stepped out from the ranks and approached the old man with their shields raised to a block. When they stopped and kneeled down behind their shields, Jonddi said, "Ehem. Leave him alone."
"There's twelve of us and one you," the decurion hoiked. "Take him."
"Don't do it," Jonddi said calmly. "I'm warning you."
‘Weapons? Who needs weapons? Only little soldier-boys playing at war ever need weapons. Why would you need a weapon when you’re perfectly unafraid of what’s facing you. I don’t need weapons, I have my heart, my wit, -- and a mischievous little monkey called Kaikias. Do you want to meet him, because I think he wants to get to know you guys better.’ Jonndi smiled at his foes and winked. |
I would move the highlighted bit to own para or at the beginning of next one.
He lifted the old man up and half-carried him into the woods. The mist that had suddenly rolled in out of nowhere provided a perfect means of escape |
He lifted the old man up and turned around as headed back to the woods, and in the every step that he took a mist started to rise from the ground.
I think you have a nice, good foundation that needs now a bit of overlook and rewrite in places to eliminate the mistakes. So think about getting in that limited third rather than letting the omniscient narrator to rule your story.