Originally Posted by Sho Pi
It definitely gets better towards the end. You need to read up on what infodump is and learn to avoid it. It's very common for starting authors to do it because they want all the things they have thought out about a character or a place on paper as quickly as possible, but it makes a text unreadable. Also stop jamming subclauses in your sentences, if you have something new to say that is long and elaborate on its own, just start a new sentence.
If you keep this in mind you'll probably get better very quickly. These mistakes are very common; I certainly made them when I started to write.
Hi Sho Pi, thanks for this, I will make the changes you suggested and will read it back over to see if I can make it better.